Friday, February 6, 2009

A review 8 years in the making

As was mentioned earlier this week, I have an unparalleled love of The Fast and the Furious. I think it’s by far the greatest unintentional comedy of all-time, right up there with Con Air and You Got Served. I’m so excited about the new Fast and the Furious coming out that I’ve decided to give you a running diary style review of the original just so you can get pumped up for the newest installment.

And we’re off…

How does one go about getting neon lights added underneath their car? Is this expensive?

I also love the fact that these guys hijack 18-wheelers by driving fast sedans around it, have someone jump onto the 18-wheeler, beat up the truck driver, then steal the loot. Wouldn’t it be more cost effective, and far less risky, to simply set up a road block about half a mile down the road with two huge SUVs and a lot of guns? Maybe I should go into this business.

What do you think Paul Walker’s parents said to him after they watched the movie with him? “Good job Paul! We’re really proud of you! You’ll probably be on the awards circuit later this year.”

I love the rap-rock soundtrack. Any soundtrack that has a mellow Limp Bizkit style song is good for me. By the way, have you seen a picture of Fred Durst lately? This is the karma payment plan for sure.

What are the chances that a guy that looks like Vin Diesel (Dom) would ever hang out with a pretty boy like Paul Walker (Brian)? Is there such a thing as a negative percentage?

How exactly is this a running diary when I haven’t even mentioned one part of the actual movie yet? This is more like a stream-of-furiousness.

I love all the cars with the gaudy decals. Are those hard to get? For April Fool’s I want to get a bunch of dragon and princesses and put them on one of my friend’s cars. Can we make this happen?

The action is heating up. Dom’s friend Vince is about to beat up Brian. I’m so excited. I’m so scared.

“Watch your back…watch your back, watch your back, watch your, watch your, watch your back.” I have to find that song on iTunes. “Watch your back!”

“I’m in your face,” Dom says Brian. He’s too intimidating for me to even make fun of.

“I’ve seen the way you drive. You have a heavy foot. You’ll blow yourself to pieces.”

I think I used to as my senior quote. I can’t remember. The gist was the same. And what’s the big deal about having a heavy foot. Don’t all these guys? Isn’t that what makes them fast and furious?

Did Ja Rule lose or gain street cred for being in this movie?

“They call me Hector.” I call you moron. They call me Chris.

“It’s not how you stand by your car. It’s how you race your car. You better learn that.” Lesson learned. Thanks Ja Rule!

I love tough girl Michelle Rodriguez. “Rrrrr..I smell skanks. Why don’t you pack it up before I leave tread marks on your face.” Man, she’s hardcore! Dom, you’re one lucky guy!

Brian puts his $80,000 car on the line in a race because he has to earn respect. I respect you!

“Street’s closed pizza boy.”

“God-damned street racers.”

That is witty banter my friends. You don’t get repartee like that in every action movie.

If Ja Rule wins, he not only wins the money but he’s going to engage in a ménage a trios as well. Now he’ll try harder, because winning a car and a couple of grand wasn’t enough motivation.

Who is the sports equivalent of Vin Diesel? If I called Vin Diesel the Lamar Odom of acting, which one would be offended?

Brian’s car is falling apart in the middle of the race. What does he do? He yells shut up at the computer system in his car. Someone else that yells at inanimate objects!

Shocking! Dom wins. Brian is stunned. I never saw this coming. Cue plot!

“I almost had you!” Brian says.

“You almost had meeeeee? You never had me. You never had your car….Almost had me? (Chuckle, chuckle), Ask any racer, it don’t matter if you win by an inch or a mile. Winning’s winning.”

It’s all downhill from here. I want to get a t-shirt made with that line on it. Seriously, someone custom make that for me. I’ll wear it everywhere. 2xl.

What the hell kind of name is Vin anyway?

I love how right after Brian was done racing his car was steaming from the hood and looked undriveable. (Is that a word?) Now, 5 minutes later he has no problem outrunning the cops in it.

If you were responsible for the score of this movie, would you put that on your resume? I bet the guy tries to forget it and hopes it doesn’t come up in a job interview, just like an ex-con worries about his rap sheet coming to light.

“Be ready to have your ass handed to you,” Dom’s rival Johnny Tran says.

What do you say to that? “No, you be prepared to have me hand you your ass. I am the master preparer.”

Dom and Brian make it back to Dom’s crash pad, finally.

It’s about time we got a clichéd party scene going. Dude in wifebeater playing one chord on a guitar. Two girls making out. One random couple dancing in the middle of the room. A guy drinking a beer hitting on a girl. Who is the ad wizard that came up with this scene?

Why does everyone in this movie look like they just left a sauna? Is it really this hot in California? I thought it was always sunny and 70.

“I’m simpler,” says Brian. Understatement of the decade.

Oh wow, Brian is a cop. How sneaky!

FYI: The Fast and the Furious made $148 million at the box office. The three movies in the series made over $330 million at the theater domestically. How crazy is that?

Dom just told Brian that he has to get his ass making money. And Dom’s sister said that Dom owned Brian now. Is he trying to turn Brian into a whore?

Two scenes ago the people couldn’t stop sweating during a late night house party. Now, they’ll all eating dinner outside at dusk with no problem. What the hell type of climate are they living in?

I love the way Vince drinks his beer without the bottle actually touching his mouth. Is that a skill?

“I’m putting you on the street where you belong,” Vince says to Brian. I seriously just realized that this entire movie is really an allegory for Brian being a prostitute. Brilliant! That’s why this movie holds up. It’s so deep!

It’s time for Brian to go back into undercover mode. I’m so scared for you Brian! Be careful.

Brian gets caught snooping around. He has to lie to Dom to save his ass. I’m so torn. I wish they could be real friends. I hate all the deceit.

Oh wow, I just found out the director of this movie was a) the pizza boy in the opening scene and b) directed Dragonheart, one of the worst movies of all time. Shocking!

Brian is taking Dom’s sister out on a date. “You break her heart, I break your neck,” Dom says. What a sweet big brother.

Dom tells Brian his sad story about his Dad dieing in a car crash. It’s quite possibly the most touching moment in cinema history. Words do no justice.

“I live my life a quarter mile at a time. For those ten seconds or less, I’m free.” I feel you Dom, I feel you.

Uh-oh, Brian and Dom’s sister Mia are sleeping together. This plot is getting so crazy.

Cue hard rock music. It’s time for a montage of police raids, working on cars and making out. Does it get any better than this; I submit that it does not.

“I can put it on whoever I want, perks of the job,” the cop leading the investigation says to Brian. Is that another prostitution reference?

I love how you read those stories of cops being undercover for years and busting guys, but Brian goes undercover for about 3 weeks and immediately becomes infatuated with the crooks. Did he go to undercover cop school for 2.5 hours?

Brian tells Dom he wants in on the thievery. Long, awkward pause with some horn playing. This was big. I got chills.

Are there really things like race wars? I guess so.

It’s the big showdown with Dom and Johnny Tran.

The actor that plays Tran might be the worst actor of all-time, the Casey Jacobsen of the silver screen. I dare someone to find a worse actor.

I’d love to keep this diary going for the final climatic scene, but I just can’t bring myself to start a 5th page on the Fast and the Furious. I just won’t be able to respect myself in the morning. Plus, I don’t want to give away the ending in case there’s a few of you out there who haven’t seen it. Let’s just say it’s the greatest ending in the history of movies.



Anonymous said...

I like the idea yhat at some point this week, your fiancee asked you to do something, and your response was, "Later. I have to re-watch The Fast And The Furious for a running diary on my blog."


margie said...

I can't believe how into this article you got!! You are such a loser. :-)