Bill Simmons 1, Graham 0

When Bill Simmons announced his book tour dates and Portland (well, Beaverton) was on the list, I waffled on whether or not I’d go.

On the plus side, it would be a chance to have an exchange with the country’s most popular sports columnist, someone I’ve been reading since his first column at ESPN, and someone who once published one of my questions in a mailbag. On the down side, I’d have to battle rush hour traffic out to the suburbs, possibly wait in line for two hours, shell out for a book I wasn’t even sure I wanted*, then get a total of 8 seconds of face time. So I decided against it.

Until 4:45 the day of the signing. Screw it, I thought. I’ll do a drive by, and if there’s a line around the building I’ll leave.

I finally located the Borders in question** at around 6 p.m., and to my pleasant surprise, there was no lineup outside the building yet. I went in, scoured the store for 10 minutes looking for the book, only to find they were hidden behind the counter. Nice product placement.

I was relatively early, and there were about 100 people there before me, so I decided to stay. I bought the book, got my wristband to get in line, and was handed a sheet with a list of rules for the event.

Right then I knew this was going to be an assembly line, but I figured I’d have 5 good seconds to at least make an impression. I needed an angle, but I realized I didn’t have one.

Having decided until about an hour prior I wasn’t going meant I didn’t have anything witty for him to inscribe in my book. I was furious with myself. I ran through a few different things I could get him to write, but I didn’t like any of them. Then it hit me. I’d get him to write this:

“Graham,
Sorry about Big Country’s contract.
”

It was genius. When I’d mention the contract, he’d look at me quizzically, and then I’d explain as succinctly as possible that I grew up in Vancouver watching the Grizzlies, and that an insane chain of events would eventually occur that would see Bryant Reeves get a $65 million contract extension, leading to the 1998 lockout, leading to me later actually working for the team in the PR and then marketing departments, leading to the team (and myself and my future wife) moving to Memphis (!), leading to seven years of Hubie Brown, Jerry West, Mike Fratello, Jason Williams, Bonzi Wells, Pau Gasol, Shane Battier, leading to three straight playoff sweeps, leading to Chris Wallace and Marc Iavaroni, leading to my wife and I fleeing Memphis to go back to the West Coast at the first possible opportunity.

And it all happened because of Bryant Reeves’ contract***.

I had spent eight years working for an NBA team, working with people he referenced regularly in his column, even if he was mocking them and the team for its continued incompetence.

I had an in.

Before I go much further, let me just say this: I was under no illusion about what would happen. At most I’d get a laugh and a 30-second conversation. I knew I wasn’t going to become his friend, be a guest on his podcast or join his next road trip to Vegas. Nor did I want to. I’ve been around enough famous people that I’m not impressed by them, and I don’t need their validation. I just wanted to make him laugh.

At 6:45 he came out, said a few words about the Blazers and got started a bit early. He even did a really classy thing by inviting people with babies to cut the line and get their books signed first, and anyone with kids can tell you how cool that was.

Around 7:15 those of us with the turquoise wristbands were told to get in line. I stood there patiently, plowing through the book, working on exactly what I was going to say and trying to ignore the guy behind me telling his buddy he’d written Simmons a letter hoping to get a job as his intern.

Finally, at about 7:45 I got to the front of the line. Then his publicist, or assistant, or lackey, or whatever he was took my book to hand to Simmons. You see, when you arrived, the staff wrote your name on a sticky note and put it on the page he was signing, and the guy at the front took the book from you and handed it to Simmons. I guess it ensured that there wouldn’t be confusion over how a name was spelled, but just as likely it was so a million people wouldn’t spend 5 minutes introducing themselves. Fair enough, there were a lot of people and they needed to move through the line fast.

So I get up there, and Simmons writes “To Graham” in my book, and I’m looking at him, and I’m waiting for him to pause and look up and ask what I wanted him to write.

And then…

He scribbles his name, looks up, and says “Thanks for coming.”

There was no pause, no asking what I wanted him to write.

I stood there momentarily, not sure what to do. Do I ask him to write my Big Country thing down? But then it would be below his signature which would look weird. But who cares if it looks weird, it’s my one chance. Should I just blurt it out and hope he signs it? Do I just mention it even if he doesn’t use it? What should I do?

“Thanks,” I mumbled. Then I slinked off.

Well played, Graham.


*In honor of Simmons, a footnote. Last year my wife was given a book by one of her favorite authors that was over 800 pages long. I went on this insane rant about how pretentious it was of the author to think the world cared about 800 pages worth of her material, and how she needed an editor to rein her in, and how many trees died so she could produce this tribute to her own ego, and how no book needs to be more than 400 pages. It was a magnificent rant, one of my best. Then Simmons puts out a 700-page book which means I had to ignore it and not buy it, or become a hypocrite. Thanks, Bill.

**Why the hell was this signing out in the sticks? There’s a Powell’s downtown that is the signature bookstore in Portland, but they go to a Borders out in the burbs? And if you’re contractually obligated to Borders, there’s about 50 that are much closer to the city. Unbelievable.

***True story: after the Grizzlies’ final home game in Vancouver, the PR staff was hanging around the office afterwards, not quite ready to say goodbye for the final time. Not knowing yet if I’d be going with the team to Memphis, I started looking around for something I could take as a keepsake. I came across a filing cabinet that was set a few inches from the wall. I could tell there was something behind the cabinet, so I pulled it out a bit, and there it was: a 2-foot by 4-foot mock contract Bryant Reeves signed at the press conference in 1997 announcing the extension. I couldn’t believe it. Needless to say, it’s now in my man cave. Now that’s a keepsake. And yes, Bryant Reeves caused the 1998-99 lockout.

RTS recommends and a rant

I’m trying to get back into the swing of blogging, which is hard these days considering I have the following things going on:

1. I work.
2. I have a recreational basketball career.
3. I have Grizzlies season tickets.
4. I manage 3 fantasy football teams (only 1 is serious).
5. I manage 2 fantasy basketball teams.
6. I am in both a college and pro football pick’em.
7. I am married.

So yes, loyal readers, it’s been tough here at Rocking the Suburbs these past few months. Graham is completely MIA and I’m not sure if he’ll ever return. I’ll have to post an anti-hockey tirade soon just to rile him up. For now, let’s combine two of my favorite posts. RTS recommends and The Rant.

First up, here’s some things I’ve been digging lately.

I just finished reading Chuck Klosterman’s book of essays, Eating the Dinosaur. It’s one of the best reads in awhile. It’s got the right mix of pop culture critique and cultural implications. It delves into subjects I care about (football, Mad Men, Weezer, etc.). Given that it’s essays, it’s an easy read. Even if you don’t check out the book, read this excerpt. It’s probably the best sports essay I’ve read.

Here’s a website that immature males can spend hours on. Lamebook.com. Some of the entries aren’t for the faint of heart, but otherwise, it’s a great slice of facebook fails and pwnage. Lots of lols on this one. Here’s a great example right here. I pray to God I never do anything dumb enough to make this website.

I know I’m late to the party, but Wolf Parade has been bringing the thunder. This summer I couldn’t stop listening to “This Heart’s On Fire” and I really like the new album, At Mount Zoomer. Here’s one of my favorite songs off the new album.


While we’re discussing music, let’s go ahead and tackle the new Weezer album, Raditude. I’m a die-hard Weezer fan. It’s not that surprising since I was a teen in the ‘90s, grew up in the ‘burbs and didn’t have a girlfriend till the age of 19. Anyway, I’ve been trying to figure out where Raditude goes in the Weezer pantheon. Here’s how it stands today.

1. Blue Album (tie)
1. Pinkerton (tie)
3. Make Believe
4. Green Album
5. Raditude
6. Maladroit
7. Red Album

At first I wasn’t a fan of Raditude but it’s been growing on me. It won’t make the top 3, but it has a chance to top The Green Album, eventually. Here’s one of my favorites from Raditude.


And here’s my rants for the week:

Local news and newspapers, ugh. No wonder these are dying mediums.

First, there was a promo for a local news expose on child care in the city. I’ll summarize the promo.

“How well do you know your child care provider? We found some child care providers had children die in their care due to being left in a van. If that’s not enough, we even found horse manure on a playground!”

A child dying at day care is terrible. A child being left in a hot van is horrid. I understand these things. So how did the news make this seem like the appetizer and horse manure on the playground be the entrée? (Yes, I just used an analogy comparing horse manure to a dish of food.)I don’t get it. Horse manure on a playground isn’t appalling. It’s weird, sure, but everyone steps in crap from time to time. Local news, congrats for demeaning child death by making it seem less important than horse manure. Well done.

Next, I’m in Chick-Fil-A the other day, Friday the 13th actually, and I see a copy of the local newspaper sitting next to the straws. One of the stories was about Friday the 13th. Here’s the link. I won’t complain about the lameness of the topic, cause hell, filling a Memphis newspaper with anything besides sports, murders and corrupt politics is pretty hard. But the subhead of this story killed me, “Luckily for superstitious, it's the last one this year.” It was Friday, November 13. Holy hell. It’s the last one of the year! Thank God we don’t have Friday, December 13 to worry about. I was getting sweaty palms for a minute thinking about it.



Chris

Ole Miss-Tennessee preview, er, sorta

Your morals and personal code aren’t written down on a list and followed each day. They’re developed over time. Sometimes you don’t even know how you feel about a subject until a line in the sand is drawn and you have to pick a side. For me, that day is today. I have to pick who to cheer for in the Tennessee-Ole Miss football game.

Living in the South means that you have to pay attention to college football. If you have balls, I mean. I can’t be totally invested in college football for the following reasons:

1. The outcome of most games is easy to predict. The talent discrepancy between the haves and have-nots is the difference in 95% of the games.
2. There is no prevalent fantasy game that revolves around college football.
3. My alma mater, the University of Memphis, sucks.

Regardless, football is football and I watch. Since, as mentioned above, I live in the South and my alma mater sucks, I spend the majority of my time cheering against teams. It’s fun and it’s easy. My two favorite teams to hate are Tennessee and Ole Miss. But today, my plan of cheering against these guys is ruined. They play each other. What’s a half-hearted pessimist to do. Let’s break down the pros and cons of each school and figure out who in the hell to cheer for.

The Cities

Knoxville looks like a glorified truck stop. I hate it. I don’t know how it’s scientifically possible but everywhere you walk is up a hill. The only redeeming part of Knoxville is that I once saw a Krystal-eating contest there. This is both awesome and pathetic when talking about a city’s most redeeming quality.

Oxford, it’s quaint, it’s got some trees and Hardees, so yeah, it’s alright. I can see the value in this place, if, and only if, every Ole Miss graduate didn’t talk about Oxford like it was the location of God’s orgasm during creation.

Winner: Oxford

The Coaches

Lane Kiffin is a brash, arrogant SOB. However, as far as I can tell, he hasn’t done anything to deserve this. I’m pretty sure the only thing he’s done to date is get fired by Al Davis and be proud of losing games in a somewhat competitive fashion.

Houston Nutt is the ideal Ole Miss coach. He looks like the type of guy that would get shot by Dick Cheney while hunting, which is what Ole Miss fans are looking for.

Winner: Houston Nutt

The Teams

Tennessee players commit armed robbery with pellet guns.

Ole Miss players can’t read (see the last paragraph here) and steal from hotel rooms.

Winner: Lawyers

The Cheer

Rocky Top Tennessee is hands down the worst song to ever be created. I’d rather be stuck in the Branch Davidian Compound and be forced to hear “These Boots are Made for Walkin’” about 3,000 times before I hear Rocky Top again.

Hotty Toddy is a drunken rant. I can accept this. However, to hear the same drunken rant 272 times before you enter the football stadium is one too many. The good news is that you don’t have to hear the chant that much during the game since Ole Miss usually sucks and the fans have nothing to cheer for.

Winner: No one

The Fans

This is really what I care about. I don’t really want Tennessee or Ole Miss to lose because I care about the actual players or coaching staff. I’ve come into contact with too many of their fans and it brings me joy to think about these people experiencing loss.

Tennessee fans on the east side of the state are mostly hillbilly conservative clichés that bleed orange and white, drink moonshine, beat their wife, sleep with their cousin and vote for the white guy, er, Republican. (I can’t really vouch for any of this since I’ve been to Knoxville a total of 3 times and hung out with friends from the suburbs, but I don’t mind writing about stereotypes.) Tennessee fans here in Memphis drive me nuts. Most of them attended Tennessee for 1-2 semesters, drank a lot of beer, failed their classes and had their parents make them come home. They then went to the University of Memphis but proudly remain UT fans, you know, cause they spent a total of 4 months there and all. Drives me nuts. Then again, you have these other people who, for some unbeknownst reason, cheer for Tennessee in football and then the University of Memphis in basketball. They’re frontrunners. I can’t stand this either. Look buddy, pick a school and cheer for them. It’s not that hard. People don’t cheer for Ohio State basketball and Michigan football. Ugh.

Ole Miss males all have haircuts like this. It’s amazing. Seriously, go to Oxford on a Saturday and you’ll see 10,000 20-40 year old dudes with this haircut. It’s almost like they are genetically predetermined to go to Ole Miss. These guys generally drink way too much, invented date-rape, wear shirts and ties to football games and vote for the white guy, er, Republican. They hate every other SEC school and constantly have an inflated sense of their team. Every preaseason they talk about how bad ass their team is, although most years they end up somewhere between 3-7 and 7-3. I’ll give them credit for one thing: they don’t cheer for Memphis basketball. Thank God.

Winner: No one

So it looks like the final score is in favor of Ole Miss by a margin of 2-0-3. However, I just remember that I picked Tennessee in my work pool, so screw it, I’ll cheer for anything that gives me a chance at money. Go Vols. I just threw up in my mouth.


Chris

Rockin the Suburbs Book Preview Continued

A while back I gave a preview of my coffee table book idea, "Homoerotic Sports Pictures." Here's the second preview:


Does this guy ever live this picture down? I bet his friends made t-shirts out of it.


What are the chances he's saying, "You smell good?"


He's not allowed with 20 feet of a school yet he can ref wrestling matches?


Europeans are weird.


As far as homoerotic sports pictures go, this is the Mona Lisa.


Now that's what I call going for the ball, zing!


No wonder this is Graham's favorite sport.


This is the opposite of how I'd celebrate something.


The Lakers are always screwing someone over, aren't they?


This gives no meaning to "taking a charge."


Chris

We're still too lazy to write so here's another video

I want to make a video like this about Memphis, you know, if actual work wasn't involved.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

YouTube Friday

It's a little early, but happy Friday. If you didn't know why they called him Rampage, here's a good clip why.





Chris

The Rant

I wouldn’t say that RTS is back, but we’re on the right track. What better way to bring 30-something white men together than to complain about inane things that matter not? (PS: I’m 29, but it’s easier just to round up).

I was watching Wayne’s World last night on Fuse and there was a commercial for Fuse music programming. The ad said something along the lines of, “Check out Fuse’s new music experience every Friday at midnight, featuring music videos, news and tour information for hot bands such as Paramore and Cold War Kids and classics like Nirvana and Pearl Jam.” Now this is a show I have to watch. They’re going to give me news and tour information about Nirvana? Holy hell.

I watched the most recent The Office this morning from my DVR. There was a special mayor election in Memphis Thursday night when the recording took place. During the entire episode of The Office I had to watch half of the TV devoted to updated results. First, the guy that won was winning in a landslide. Do I really need a scrolling update to see that someone went from being up 50,000 votes to being up 55,000 votes over a 30 minute span? Also, do I really need to see EVERY candidate’s result. Thanks for telling me that Joe Crazy currently has 13 votes. I really need this update. And while we’re here, I think I could get at least 100 votes for mayor. Who in the hell are these people running and getting 13 votes? Lastly, why does local news impose itself? I should start a morning news update podcast or weblog and here’s how it would go: Murder, Car Jacking, Corrupt Local Government, Memphis Tigers, Memphis Grizzlies, School Violence, Weather.Done.

Pictures like this make me feel better about my high school experience.

I was watching college football today and ABC was counting down the top 30 plays of the last 30 years. #21 was the infamous Colorado 5th down play against Missouri to win the game. Really, an official’s error that cost a team a chance at a national upset is what you would consider one of the best plays of the last 30 years? I would say that’s one of the worst 30 plays. And while we’re here, how did AP voters continue to vote for Colorado as a top team when they had to have 5 downs to win a game? Couldn’t you just rank them as the 10th best team for the rest of the year to balance that out? And yes, I’m ranting about something that happened almost 20 years ago.

What is up with ad men these days? First, Keystone Light is advertising that their beer is “smooth.” Is this really the road you want to go down Keystone, talking about how smooth your beer is? Why don’t you just say, “Hell, it’s cheap and it’ll get you drunk.” And Macy’s was adverting about their low everyday prices and then showed some crappy sweater for $40. Yes, I’m ranting about cheap beer and Macy’s at the same time. Both companies should be ashamed.

And this is why Graham and I blog together. While I was compiling my rant about lame advertisements, Graham emailed me this gem.

So Portland has been granted an MLS expansion team for the 2011 season, pending a new stadium. Anyway, last week they unveiled a new marketing campaign that reads like this: "Barcelona, Milan, Liverpool, Madrid, Portland. We're finally on the world's pitch".Are you fing kidding me? I'm sorry, did the MLS suddenly merge with the European premier leagues? I know I don't follow soccer, but that seems like the kind of thing I would have heard about. Seriously, that ad is just infuriating. If there were any truth to it, it would read:"Columbus. Kansas City. Salt Lake City. Portland. We're finally among the mid-level cities trying hard to be major league." And you know what else I hate about soccer? When North America tries to import European teams. Don't call it a pitch, it's an f-ing field. Stop it, MLS. Just stop it.


Chris and Graham

Our 1 Year Anniversary....time for a break

How do you define laziness? How about 2 guys that can't maintain a steady blogging schedule because they have too much football, basketball, hockey and TV to keep up with. Yep, that's us. We're taking a break.


Chris & Graham

YouTube Friday

I love how dated this video is, not just the Vanilla Ice joke, but back when Jim Carrey wasn't uber-famous and still cutting edge. Also, where does In Living Colour rank on sketch comedies? Third behind SNL and Chappelle Show?





Chris

Week 4 NFL Preview

Tampa (+7.5) at Washington

Graham: I was going to ask if Jason Campbell vs. Josh Johnson is the worst QB matchup the NFL could possibly offer us this season. But then I realized that conversation can’t happen unless JaMarcus Russell is involved. Regardless, this game is crap. Washington just snapped Detroit’s 19-game losing streak, and Tampa was shut out. I can’t tell you who’s going to win, but I can tell you this: the margin of victory won’t be eight. They might not combine for eight points. So Tampa covers. And either way, America loses.

Chris: This is the last time I let Graham decide the games for us to preview. What the hell am I supposed to say about this? This game reminds me of the Douche vs. Turd Sandwich South Park debate. I’m taking the points.

Tennessee (-2.5) at Jacksonville

Graham: Stat of the day: Tennessee’s three losses have come by a total of 13 points. You can chalk it up to astonishingly bad luck, or a team that can’t close the deal. Sadly, I’m going with the latter. I like Tennessee, but I retract my preseason prediction they’d be only a game or two worse than their 13-win season last year. They are done. Jacksonville’s the pick.

Chris: I dislike Tennessee and called for them to have an 8-8 season. (Sorry, couldn’t type for a minute there while patting my back). I think maybe 8-8 is optimistic at this point, but then again, I still don’t like Jacksonville. Too bad I already used the Douche vs. Turd Sandwich reference, cause there’s not much else to say about Kerry Collins and David Garrard. I’ll take Tennessee.

Baltimore (+2.5) at New England

Graham: Coming off their loss to the Jets, I picked New England to take a dump against Atlanta last week. Then the Patriots shut down Tony Gonzalez to the tune of 1/5 fantasy points, effectively kneecapping the third best player on my team, and I lost my first fantasy matchup of the season. Should I be afraid to pick against New England from now on? Maybe. But I’m not starting any Ravens this week, so screw it, I’m taking Baltimore to win outright.

Chris: First off, why does Microsoft Word show “Tama” as a correct word but matchup as an incorrect word? Seriously, Tama is more prevalent than matchup? Who saw this coming? But yeah, I was dead-on about the Pats not only beating the Falcons last week, but covering. And now, I’m going against them. Baltimore is the best team in the league. Write that down.

New York Jets (+6.5) at New Orleans

Graham: Two 3-0 teams going head-to-head, one with an explosive offense, the other with a terrific defense? Sign me up. With no Packers game Sunday, this will be my main focus on Sunday ticket. Except for when I have to tend to my son and read him “Curious George” for the 742nd time. I mean, I love my son and all, but if I have to read about George and the Man With The Yellow Hat going camping one more time, I’m losing it. Oh, and The Man With The Yellow Hat is gay. Just sayin’.

Chris: When did the phrase “just sayin” become part of the vernacular? I heard Matthew Berry use it once and thought, “I’ll never use that phrase.” But now, everyone’s doing it. It’s stupid, just sayin’. Anyway, this looks like the best matchup on Sunday, but since I have no fantasy players involved, I’ll probably be watching Indy-Seattle or something. I have a problem. Anyway, no way the Jets lose by 7 points or more.

Dallas Cowboys (-3.5) at Denver Broncos

Graham: So I was sitting on the can this morning catching up on last week's Sports Illustrated, and I was reading that part where they ask four athletes pop culture questions. One was "_____ could have me at hello."

One answer was the guy's wife, there was the obligatory Jesus reference, and Patrick Crayton had this one: Aaliyah.

Didn't she die, like, 10 years ago? Did no one tell him? Has he been waiting 10 years for the new Aaliyah album? Are people that afraid to break the news to him? And if he does know she's dead, isn't that even weirder? Why does he want a dead girl hitting on him?

Anyway, Dallas gets the nod.

Chris: I love the fact that Aaliyah has been dead for 10 years and this freaks Graham out, but Jesus died like 2,000 years ago and doesn’t faze him. Is Graham only freaked out about semi-recent dead black females? Must explain why he lives in Oregon. And “___ had me at hello is a romantic reference, is it not? So Jesus having you at hello is a romantic thing. That’s worrisome. Oh yeah, uh, Dallas.

San Diego (+6.5) at Pittsburgh

Graham: Hey, do people know about Vincent Jackson? I mean, he’s awesome, but you never hear about him. How in this day and age of media saturation can someone so good fly so far under the radar? He’s like football’s version of Ken Cosgrove. Adds so much without you even realizing it. Which is my way of picking San Diego.

Chris: I like Vincent Jackson. I’m pissed at myself for not drafting him “too high,” having everyone make fun of me and now me shoving it in their stupid faces. Did I mention I have a fantasy problem? Anyway, didn’t Pitt just lose to Cincinnati? And now they are supposed to beat the Chargers by 7 points? I just don’t see it.

Green Bay (+3.5) at Minnesota

Graham: If Green Bay loses, I might not surface for a month. I won’t be able to handle it. So for my personal sanity, I’m taking the Pack. God be with me.

Chris: The Monday Night game that might make Chris Berman’s head explode. Hell, TVs might explode. Has there ever been a bigger Monday Night game? This is the NFL version of Shaq vs. Kobe from a few years back, without the rape charges. I still can’t fathom that Brett Favre is going to re-legitimatize his career after the stink bomb he threw up last year in NY. I think Favre is going to screw this team over when it counts. Well, you know what, this one counts. I’m taking the Pack.