Sunday, December 26, 2010

Best of YouTube 2010

It's time for the annual Best of YouTube from RTS. I scanned the last 365 days worth of posts, tweets and facebook posts and hand-picked the best videos of the year. You are welcome.

Put the word fail in a video and there’s a 99.9% chance I’ll watch it. There’s also a 99.9% chance I’ll love it. I’m really not that complex.

Toy Story + Fight Club = brilliant

The next time you are watching someone talk about how dangerous the NFL is, remember that this is happening every day as well.

We all have bad days. Thank god I haven’t had a day this bad.

I wonder if The Price is Right losers have formed a support group. If so, this guy probably attends religiously.

My favorite part is the reaction of the crowd. It’s just a series of ohhs and ahhs in unison.

Everyone knows that dancing is a dangerous sport. This guy knew the risks going in.

“I’m okay….I’m okay….I’m okay! I’m okay!”

Never had an older brother. This sums it up pretty well.

Look, everyone has some high school decisions that they regret. But seriously, these kids are going to have years of therapy to get over this.

This is why I don’t play baseball. Well, this, and no discernable talent whatsoever.

I’m not quite sure if this video having 200,000 views is a positive or negative sign about the way our culture is heading.

This is the sequel to “White Men Can’t Jump.” It’s called, “White Men Can’t Land.” I’ll be here all week.

Will farting in public ever not be funny?

And the award to best goat vocalist of the year goes to...this guy

The real life Cousin Eddy.

“That’s messed up.”

I love Seinfeld. I love remixes. That’s all.

This is exactly how long soccer was cool in America this year…14 seconds.

Your move American Idol.

This one can’t be embedded. I suppose the awesomeness has to be transmitted directly through youtube.

This isn’t simply the Best of Youtube 2010, this goes into the best of all-time. It’s the Citizen Kane of Youtube.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

It's been a while

I know, I know, you come to RTS daily to see if Graham or I have posted something, and just like our wives, we leave you disappointed. But find disappointment no more my fair readers, there is a post today, and it doesn't involve one of us bitching about sports. Without further ado, here's some of my favorite internet finds from StumbleUpon over the past month or so.

Now I’ve seen some cool dances in my life, but this one takes the cake.

These are some classic sports injury pictures. The first image is my favorite for reasons I can’t quite discuss.

I’m a fan of the simple pleasures in life. You know, a cold beer and a hot dog a baseball game, a hot chocolate on a snowy day, and people falling down, getting knocked over, and FAILs in general.

Damn the man!

Haven’t figured out what to get me for Christmas yet? I’ll take the blue raspberry one.

I love the mashups. Here’s an appetizer.

It’s a good thing this wasn’t around when I was 19. I probably would’ve listened to it nightly while eating a bag of Cheetos.

It’s not a Cajun wedding until the tasers come out.

I’m not sure if this is life imitating Bad Santa, or if Bad Santa imitated this.

As mentioned previously, the mashup is probably the best invention of the last 5 years. I can’t get enough of them, whether it’s Brokeback Saved by the Bell, the Mentos American Psycho above or the like. As far as mashups go, I think this is the Citizen Kane.


Thursday, October 28, 2010

Intern Havoc

So I came across this website doing research for my job and couldn't help but chuckle. It looks like a legit site, with a few links in there that can't help but make me laugh. Here's the site:

Graham's response when I sent it to him, "That's awesome. Some intern decided to have fun on their last day and none of the old people know how to work the internet to fix it."

Well played intern.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

On LeBron, Race and Celebrity

I know, I know, I’m white, so I’m not supposed to talk about race. I’m not supposed to chime in on the LeBron James’ race factor question. But it’s been irking me, so I’m going to wade into the waters and hope to go I don’t come out sounding like a racist. Isn’t that why most white people avoid talking about race? We’re scared that our opinion on the subject might be deemed racist when we disagree? Screw it. I’m taking my blog post to South Beach.

First off, before I skewer LeBron, I want to thank the interviewer, Soledad O'Brien, for the dumbest question possible.

It was, quite simply, “Do you think there's a role that race plays in this?”

This is quite possibly the easiest alley-opp that LeBron’s been thrown. It was a perfect toss, right above the rim and to the right, just hanging there, waiting for him to rise up and throw it down. And instead of LeBron attacking this lob and throwing it down violently, shaking the rim so badly that we thought the goal might break, he simply tipped it in. Was race a factor, he was asked?

LeBron replies, “It's always, you know, a race factor.”

This is a dumb question and a dumb answer. And it doesn’t warrant the attention it’s been getting (yes, I realize the irony in bemoaning the attention while giving it attention).

Growing up in a America, the great melting pot, means that race, religion, sex, appearance, all that stuff, is a factor. In pretty much any situation, if you are minority, the reason you are a minority is going to be a factor in your life. I’m sure women will tell you that sex is a factor. I’m sure that Muslims will tell you that religion is factor. For black athletes, I’m sure they’ll tell you race is a factor, whether big or small, pretty much every day. So it’s a dumb question. The answer to the “is race a factor” is going to be yes 100% of the time.

So can I fault LeBron for what I said? Of course I can!

LeBron answered that race was a factor for the criticism he’s received. The implication of this is that he was criticized for “The Decision” and his offseason because he was black, not because he did it the wrong way. That’s what really irks me.

His entire summer was an exercise in inflating his already enormous ego. He samples all the free agent destinations, making each team gravel for his “talents” even though there’s not a chance in hell he’s going to Clipperland, the Knicks or any other sub-par team. He’s making everyone beg for him even though they don’t stand a chance. You want to move on from Cleveland, fine, so be it, but quit with the charade already. That’s how I felt back in June and it wasn’t because you’re black LeBron, it’s because you’re the King, although you don’t have your crown.

And that’s the real heart of the issue here LeBron. It’s not race. I’m not piling on you cause you’re black. I’m not a jilted Cleveland fan who’s bitter that you left me. I’m just a regular old white NBA fan (a dying breed, I know), who is sick and tired of your posturing and self-aggrandizing.

From day 1, you’ve been anointed by the media as the next coming. You’re supposed to be the future of the NBA, the next Jordan or Magic, the guy that dominates the league, wins title after titles and makes us re-evaluate the greatest player ever debate. You didn’t seem to have a problem with the white media building up your hype machine before you earned anything. But a few years later, when the hype hasn’t materialized into titles and you handle your free agent summer in pathetic fashion, race sure comes into play now, huh?

I suppose I should back off LeBron, because honestly, he doesn’t know any better. He’s been appearing on Sports Illustrated covers since he was a high school junior. Hell, if my face was plastered on a magazine cover with the words “The Chosen One” next to it when I was 17 years old, my reality and perspective would be skewed as well. I’d probably be wearing gold-plated platform shoes and have my own army of oompa-loompas carry me on their backs wherever I went.

And this is our fear with people that get fame at a young age. We’re scared the fame will warp their perspective and they’ll go off the deep end, losing touch with their fan base (you know, us normal people that have to work a regular 9-5 job, take out car loans, and who gather around the television to worship at the alter of celebrity, and for men, the sports stars). We’re scared young celebrities will eventually disconnect with us and when it happens, the backlash ensues. And if LeBron thinks the public and white media turned on him because of race, well, he’s wrong. Go ask white guys outside of Minnesota how they feel about Brett Favre. Go find me a Tom Cruise fan these days. Hell, I hear New England Pats fans are bitching and moaning about Tom Brady’s hair and Audi. Race is a factor, are you kidding me? (so I suppose if Tom Brady gets booed, he can say that hair played a factor.)

The bottom line is this LeBron. You mishandled the summer. Most people don’t care that you left Cleveland. But they do care how you did it. Most people don’t care that you went to Miami, but they care that you had to take out a 1-hour TV Special to announce that you are “taking your talents to South Beach.” And sports fans are a fickle bunch as well. They’ll turn on you in a heartbeat but welcome you back as soon as you lead your team to victory (see Vick, Michael). And you’ve had 3 months to reflect on the backlash and make a pretty simple statement. You could’ve just said, “I wish the city of Cleveland well and Akron will always be my home. I want to be the greatest basketball player on the planet and do to so, I want to play with the best. The Lakers have a hell-of-a-squad with Kobe Bryant surrounded by multiple All-Stars and the Boston Celtics have 4 Hall of Famers. It’s a battle every night in the NBA and I want to go to war with my friends, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade. If Cleveland could’ve offered my that opportunity, I would’ve stayed. But things don’t always works out that way and it’s time to move on.”

What would’ve been so hard about that? Oh yeah, having a pulse on the perspective of us normal people. That’s the one thing LeBron doesn’t have. Oh yeah, that and NBA titles. He’s still got a chance at one of those.


Thursday, September 9, 2010

NFL Preview Part 9 (Playoffs)

The final predictions are upon us. Yep, you got it, Graham and I successfully managed to preview every NFL division and the playoffs before a single game was started. Our next goal is to post about something besides football between now and 2011. I give us a 50% chance.


Ravens (13-3)
Colts (12-4)
Chargers (11-5)
Patriots (10-6)
Jets (9-7)
Dolphins (9-7)

Chargers beat the Dolphins and Jets beat the Pats in a stunner in Foxboro.

Ravens beat the Jets and Colts beat the Chargers. Ravens beat the Colts to go to the Super Bowl. However, if the Colts/Ravens game happens in Indy, I'd pick the Colts.

Cowboys (12-4)
Vikings (12-4)
Packers (11-5)
Eagles (10-6)
49ers (9-7)

Minnesota beats the 49ers, easily. Green Bay takes out Philly.

So that would make it Saints/Packers and Cowboys/Vikings. Yikes, that would be some good football right there. I'll go with Saints/Cowboys in the NFC title game, with the Saints winning.

For the Super Bowl, I got the Ravens beating the Saints.

I love these preseason predictions. I'll be lucky if I get 1 of the 4 title game teams right.


Indy (13-3)
Baltimore (10-6)
New England (10-6)
San Diego (10-6)
NYJ (9-7)
Miami (9-7)

Indy and Baltimore get the byes, and in the first round New England takes out Miami and the Jets upset San Diego. Not that that's really an upset since San Diego essentially got in by default. That sets up Indy-NYJ and Baltimore-New England.

I don't see the Jets getting by Indy this year, so the Colts go to the AFC Final. Although the NFL will desperately want Indy-New England in the AFC title game, so much so Danny Davis might be the referee, I think Flacco and his unibrow get the best of New England, setting up Colts-Ravens. Give me the Colts in that one.

New Orleans (12-4) - can't remember what I predicted for their record, so I'm saying 12-4
Green Bay (12-4)
Dallas (12-4)
San Fran (8-8)
Minnesota (11-5)
Philly (10-6)

I'm giving the byes to New Orleans and Green Bay. Dallas beats San Fran easily and I think Philly takes out Minnesota, now that the Vikings' receiving corps looks thinner than my hairline. That sets up New Orleans-Philly and Green Bay-Dallas. That is some solid f'ing football right there.

No way Kevin Kolb outplays Drew Brees, so give the win to the Saints. And since Romo's a regular season wonder, I'm taking the Packers over the Cowboys, which has nothing to do with my allegiance to The Pack.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Graham, do you respect Chris less because he took so long to get on board with Friday Night Lights?" Yes, I do. And I also know that predicting a Super Bowl rematch is idiocy of the highest order.

So Green Bay-Indy it is for the Super Bowl.

My prediction: a heart attack for me. And a Packers win.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

NFL Preview Part 8 (NFC West)

San Francisco showed me a little something last year. Solid defense, plus a few playmakers on offense. Vernon Davis and Alex Smith finally came through, although, still, they haven’t' justified their draft position. But I think you can win with these guys, plus Crabtree and Frank Gore in a crappy division.

Plus, Arizona is going to suck this year. You can't tell me that Matt Leinart and an already gimpy Larry Fitz can carry that offense. And I never trust anyone named Beanie. It's one of my rules to live by.

Seattle will be decent if, and only if, Matt Hasselbeck stays healthy, which he won't.

And who else is in the division, oh yeah, the St. Louis Rams. Why does West Coast NFL football suck? Seriously, the NFC West and AFC West are the two worst divisions in football. I can't believe one of these 4 teams is going to be a division winner. Then again, we live in a world where one of the Jersey Shore cast members is going to bring home $5 million this year and Xavier Henry can't even get a measly rookie contract out of the Grizzlies.

1. 49ers (9-7)
2. Cardinals (7-9)
3. Seahawks (7-9)
4. Rams (3-13)

I actually like San Fran to win the division if they can get half-decent play out of Alex Smith. Which is a little like saying I like the Grizzlies to make the playoffs if they get half-decent play out of Hasheem Thabeet. That said, they have a good defense anchored by Patrick Willis, and some playmakers on offense with Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree and Frank Gore.

After that, I hate the rest of the division. Hate it. Arizona is going nowhere fast with the Matt Leinart/Derek Anderson crap combo at QB. Seattle needs Matt Hasselbeck to stay upright, and all of Pete Carroll's positive vibes can't guarantee that will happen. And St. Louis isn't worth talking about.

But it begs an interesting question- this division has the potential to be so bad, that an 8-8 team, or maybe even 7-9 team, could win it and get into the playoffs. What if a 7-9 team gets in with an automatic division berth, but a 10-6 wild card team from the NFC East doesn't get in? Good lord. If that happens, the NFL almost needs to just step in, put the NFC West division title on hiatus for a year and try again next year.

1: San Fran (8-8)
2: Seattle (6-10)
3: Arizona (5-11)
4: St. Louis (2-14)

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

NFL Preview Part 7 (NFC South)

Okay, it's hard to like the Saints. Defending champs. Good coach. Great QB. High powered offense. So why wouldn't they win the division? They should beat Tampa Bay twice, and probably be able to go 3-1 against Carolina and Atlanta, right? I don't see much of a slump from them, although I'm not picking them to repeat as champs.

I can't speak honestly about Carolina since they contain my favorite player in the NFL, Deangelo Williams. They've got a good rushing offense and got rid of Jake Delhomme. I have no clue if their new QB is any good, but he's got to be an upgrade from Delhomme, right? Maybe they bounce back and get 2nd in the division. But they feel like an 8-8 team to me.

Atlanta is completely boring to me. Michael Turner is pretty good but not flashy. Same with Matt Ryan, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez. They're all good players, but none of them are what I would call great. I suppose they could win anywhere from 7-10 games.

Tampa Bay sucks. We discussed this earlier when talking fantasy, but their offense has 1 decent option, and that's Kellen Winslow. Give them 3 wins.

1. New Orleans (12-4)
2. Atlanta Falcons (9-7)
3. Carolina Panthers (8-8)
4. Tampa Bay Bucs (3-13)

So you say it's hard to like the Saints, then predict big things for them. Speaking out of both sides of your mouth- what are you, a Republican? Anyway, why can't they repeat as champs? You think last year was a fluke? They have just as good a shot as any team, especially in this division. As long as they have Drew Brees, they have a shot.

I like Atlanta a lot more than you. I think Matt Ryan is in store for a bounce back year and I really like Michael Turner. Possible wild card team.

I don't know what to make of Carolina. Everyone seems high on their QBs with Matt Moore and Jimmy Clausen. But they seem to be the equivalent to NBC's promos for The Event: positive buzz, big expectations, but in the end will get canceled. I'd be concerned. But they have great RBs who can win games by themselves. Ultimately, they're not a threat.

The less said about Tampa Bay the better.

1: New Orleans (13-3)
2: Atlanta (9-7)
3: Carolina (6-10)
4: Tampa Bay (2-14)

I didn't proof my email. I meant to say, "It's hard not to like the Saints." So there. Instead of talking out of both sides of my mouth, instead, I'm just a plain old idiot that didn't re-read an email I sent to a friend.

Speaking of speaking out of both sides of your mouth, you said you like Atlanta a lot more than me, yet you predicted them to finish 9-7, which is the exact same record I had them at. Congrats.

I'm not sure that Carolina's QBs are any good, I just doubt they'll be Jake Delhomme level bad. I mean, that guy pooped the bed more than your infant does.

No one poops the bed more than my kid. No one.

The first Jake Delhomme compliment in 2 years. Even his wife is embarrassed.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

NFL Preview Part 6 (NFC North)

I barely even want to discuss this division since it means I have to type the words Brett Favre. Anyway, let's just assume he's coming back, which I'll assume each offseason until he dies. Since he is coming back, that means two things. First, the Vikings are the frontrunner to win the division. Second, Sidney Rice is a viable fantasy WR*. Only one of these two items concerns me, to be quite honest. (*editor’s note: not anymore)

Anyway, I like the Packers. They were a playoff team last year and if I remember correctly, played much better the second half of the season. The Pack should be a playoff team again. I like Rodgers (natch) and Ryan Grant is serviceable. He just plows for 4 yards straight down the middle. Not a gamebreaking back, but a downhill runner, which is nice these days. The Pack offense is awesome so as long as they can protect Rodgers and have a decent D, they should be fine. And if they can beat the Vikings once, they might win the division.

I think the Bears will bounce back some. Cutler should improve with Mike Martz as coordinator, Brian Urlacher is back and they added Julius Peppers. I still hate their WRs except for Johnny Knox. Regardless, this team shouldn't be that bad. Maybe 8-8 or something?

The Lions, ugh. They got some young talent but still will suck. They just might not suck as bad. So they got that going for them.

Your thoughts?

Obviously, I'm biased, but I think Green Bay can and should win the division. After they got their o-line sorted out last year, they finished 7-1. Their offense is a juggernaut, and Jermichael Finley is due for a big breakout this year. They can score with anyone. Defensively they might run into trouble. Granted, it was the first preseason game, but Cleveland's #1 offense steamrolled Green Bay's #1 defense. They need a more effective pass rush, and Al Harris is a big question mark with his injuries. They need a much better start than last year's 4-4. Check out their first 6 games:

@ Philly
vs. Buffalo
@ Chicago
vs. Detroit
@ Washington
vs. Miami

Those are all winnable games, then the schedule gets brutal with Minnesota twice, Dallas, New England, NYJ, NYG and Atlanta. If they come out of those first six games 3-3, or God forbid even worse, then things could go downhill fast. But if they come through with four or five wins, then giddyup.

As for Minnesota, we all know Favre's back. But can anyone expect the stupid line he put up last year? 68.4% completion rate, 33/7 TD/Int ratio and 107.2 rating. Even Neil Patrick Harris hasn't enjoyed a career renaissance that good. But there's no way he can do that twice, is there? Either way, it will go right down to the wire with the Packers. And consider this: 4 of their last 5 games are in domes, so weather won't be a factor. Shoot me.

Chicago will do what Chicago always does- a mediocre, forgettable season.

I like what Detroit's doing. Stafford, Suh and Calvin Johnson are good building blocks. I could very well see them overtaking the Bears in the next year.

Green Bay can win the division. Should? That's a bigger stretch than you thinking Hasheem Thabeet won't bite on pump fakes. Green Bay can't go 0-2 against Minnesota. That's the bottom line. And yes, Favre was insane last year with his performance, but really, I don't see why Minnesota will drop. They still have Adrian Peterson, Sidney Rice and the best defensive line in football. I hate it, but Minnesota SHOULD win the division. Anything can happen though.

As for the first 6 games, I think 4-2 is a pretty reasonable start. I think they'll lose at Philly and hopefully vs. Miami. But they should beat Buffalo and Detroit for sure. There is no reason they don’t win at least 2 of the 4 games against Philly, Chicago, Washington and Miami.

Anyway, here's my prediction

1. Minnesota (12-4)
2. Green Bay (11-5)
3. Chicago (8-8)
4. Detroit (5-11)

Here's the thing: Green Bay can improve. They can get better play from the o-line and better play from the defense. Minnesota can't improve. Best case scenario is they stay at the same level as last year. Big difference. If Green Bay even splits the season series with Minnesota, they should take the division. Prediction:

1. Green Bay (12-4)
2. Minnesota (11-5)
3. Chicago (7-9)
4. Detroit (4-12)

Well, using that theory, Detroit has lots of room to improve, so pick them to win the division.

Okay, here's a decent question. Every year there is one team that comes out of the crappy teams to surprise everyone. Last year it was the Bengals. Two years ago it was the Dolphins and Falcons. We're what, 75% done with our preview and I think for the most part we've picked about the same order of finish in each division as the previous year. Picking between the Packers and Vikings or Jets and Pats is really splitting hairs.

Who is the sleeper crappy team that rises up this year? And by crappy, they had to win less than 7 games last year. The choices are: Bills, Browns, Raiders, Chiefs, Redskins, Lions, Bucs, Seahawks or Rams.

And when I say "rises", I mean at least 9 wins. Dear God, I have to pick one of those teams to win 9 games? It's not the Browns, Bills, Lions or Rams.

Seattle had some injuries last year but I still don't trust Pete Carroll and Matt Hasselback. The Raiders, uh, in a word, no. I think it has to be the Chiefs or Redskins. I guess Redskins, huh? Shanahan and McNabb could possibly squeeze out 9 wins, right?

The Skins are the obvious choice, but in that division it's tough. The Seahawks are in a crappy division, but Hasselbeck's always hurt and the backups are JP Losman (!) and Charlie Whitehurst (!!!). The Bills, Browns and Rams are hopeless. The Lions are 2-3 years away. So how about this: why not the Raiders? Their QB has gone from F- to C-, which should be good for at least a couple of wins in itself. Their defense is halfway decent, and I'm not ready to give up on Darren McFadden at RB.

Then there's the schedule: I don't expect them to do much against San Diego, but couldn't they steal 3 wins in 4 games against Denver and KC? They also play the NFC West this year, which gives them four winnable games.

I'm not saying they'll make the playoffs, but I could very well see them winning 7 or 8 and challenging Denver for second in the division.

I was thinking possibly the Chiefs, for the same reason about playing in a weak division. I think Cassel is alright, plus what if Dwyane Bowe bounces back and their RBs are okay. I have no clue about their defense though. I can't rightly pick them to win 9 games. I see what you are saying about the Raiders. They are boring but they seemed to hang in a lot of games last year. Just getting rid of Jamarcus Russell should be good enough for what 2-3 wins? That would take them from 4 wins to 6 or 7. Maybe...

Just please don't remind of this prediction when the Raiders finish 2-14.

It's never pretty having to pick the sleeper. I mean, there's what, a 1 in 9 chance you are right? And really, we're too lazy to really predict the sleeper after looking at those 9 teams schedules. Plus injuries affect NFL more than any other league.

Hey, I checked the Raiders' schedule! I promised half-assed research and I did it!

You're leaving me behind. If you ever dumped me as a blogmate, well, that would be the low-point of my life to date. (not trying to tempt you).

Monday, August 30, 2010

NFL Preview Part 5 (NFC East)

I’m not sure what’s gotten into us, but Graham and I promised a full NFL preview, and, well, you’re getting one. What next, we uphold our wedding vows? Without further ado, we kick off our NFC preview with the NFC East.

Possibly the toughest division in the league. Dallas has talent, although they don't always capitalize. Romo isn't a top 5 QB, but you can make the case he's top 10, right? I like that offense when Romo isn't playing like the gunslinger. I really hate Cowboys fans though, so it'd be nice if they miss the playoffs again.

I think the Eagles are the best in this division. I trust the Kevin Kolb move. It seems a lot like Aaron Rodgers replacing Favre to me. I think Philly wins the division. At the very least, Andy Reid eats a lot.

The Redskins are a weird team. They've got some talent but probably not enough. The upgrade from Jason Campbell to Donovan McNabb is significant to me, as long as McNabb stays healthy. But other than Albert Haynesworth, I can't name one defender on their team. That's probably not good. Then again, I think NFC East games are terribly boring except for Eagles-Cowboys.

The Giants, meh. They scream 8-8 to me.

Dallas is the best team in this division, and should win easily. Which sucks because I hate them. But really- let's say Dez Bryant has even a decent rookie season- their passing game is him, Miles Austin, Jason Witten and Roy Williams. That's pretty damn good. Romo may not be a top-5 QB, and certainly not in the playoffs, but he's good enough that that group could be really, really good.

After that it's a jumble, and any of the other 3 teams can finish anywhere in the division. You like Kolb, but really, what do we have to go on with him? He's been good in spot duty, but what about as a starter? What happens if he gets off to a slow start (a Week 1 turd against the Packers would be nice) and the entire city and Philly media corps is bearing down on him? We have no idea how he'll react. And Brian Westbrook is gone, which could be a huge loss even though he was hurt most of last year. Philly is a big question mark.

Giants- whatever.

I don't like Washington. They'll be a bit better with Shanahan and McNabb, but they're not a threat to win the division. Maybe, maybe they sneak into a wild card spot if Philly and the Giants falter. But that's a big if.

So let me make sure I got the official preview for the Giants down.

Me - meh.
You - whatever.

You are welcome Giants fans.

Philly was 11-5 last year with LeSean McCoy playing more than Westbrook and with D-McNabb throwing 22 TDs and 10 INTs. Sure, there is a chance that Kolb sucks, but there's just as much pedigree with him to succeed this year as Aaron Rodgers had going into his first season. He's not a sure thing, but I like my chances with him. He comes into a good offense with playmakers (DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, LeSean McCoy, hell, even Brent Celek). So I just don't think he craps the team. If he can keep the turnovers down, they should be fine. I'm not saying they'll go 13-3, but I think 11-5 is within reach, especially if they can go 4-2 in the division (split with Dallas, sweep either Wash or NY).

Did Dallas win the division last year? I thought they missed the playoffs. So Dallas spanked Philly in the playoffs and then got spanked by Minnesota? I mixed up last year and 2 seasons ago, when Philly spanked Dallas to get in the playoffs. Anyway, this is all very confusing for anyone reading this. I suppose my point is this, yes, Dallas should win the division, but Philly could still make the wild card. I think they're better than New York and Washington.

And please don't consider Roy Williams a good player. He's terrible.

Okay, here's my guess

1. Dallas (12-4)
2. Philadelphia (10-6)
3. Washington (7-9)
4. NY Giants (7-9)

Did I say this was the best division in football? I take that back.

I forgot about LeSean McCoy. Crap, I really need to start doing research before I write stuff. I'll give you that one. As for Roy Williams- I noted him as the fourth option. As far as fourth options go, he's not bad. And frankly, I don't blame Dez Bryant one bit for not carrying his pads. Bryant might double his receiving yards this year.

1: Dallas (12-4)
2: Philly (10-6)
3: NY Giants (8-8)
4: Washington (6-10)

Yeah, you need to do research before we post these things on RTS. We have a fanbase with expectations (hi Gary!) to adhere to.

I know, I've taken Gary for granted. My apologies, I promise to do half-hearted research from here on out.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

RTS Debates: Hasheem Thabeet vs. Chris

So I have a friend that’s doing some graduate studies over in Africa. Who does he happen to run into over there? Hasheem Thabeet. My friend sent me a picture of him and Thabeet. I forwarded it to Graham and he responded that it looked like my friend could take him in a game of one of one. What ensued was one of the most heated email debates in RTS history.

From the sad but true department: I truly think I could beat Thabeet in a game of 1 on 1. And really, I'm not sure if it's sad because I'm delusional or sad because it's true. Either way is pretty damn depressing.

You could not beat Thabeet one-on-one. When he has the ball, he'd just back you down and drop in an easy one from two feet. When you have the ball, he'd just stand back and dare you to shoot. You'd never beat him.

Concepts I have working for me.

1. I'm not that bad a shooter so if I got the ball first, I could, in theory, go on a run. I assume the game is make-it, take-it. I could give myself a lead if I'm shooting well.

2. I completely understand that he could post me up and score all day. However, in one-on-one, he'd have to start at the 3-point line. Can he really dribble all the way down to the post? Maybe a few times, but every time. I doubt it.

3. He would not take the game serious unless I got close to winning, so he's probably just jack up 3s until I got to 6 or 7 points. So really, I'd just have to make sure to not give him the ball back when he started trying.

4. Thabeet really, really sucks. I mean, if I had to pick 1 player in the NBA to try to beat for a million dollars, he'd be on my list. I'm not joking about that.

He doesn't have to dribble from the three-point line to the post. He just has to turn around, stick his ass in your face and back you down. We're not talking about AI crossovers here. You would not be able to defend that. No chance. And as much as Thabeet sucks in the NBA, remember, he was good enough in college to be a consensus top-10 pick (if not #2). That means he was at least relatively effective against guys who are 6-8, 250 lbs.

If we're really talking about beating an NBA player, it won't be someone who's 7-3, 300 lbs. It can't be any player who can just turn around and back you down easily. It would have to be a smallish wing player who can't shoot worth shit. Maybe then you'd have a chance. Maybe.

By the way, it reminds me of this story. Before the NBA Draft settled into MSG every year, they used to take it to different cities. In 1998 they were in Vancouver, and I volunteered with the Grizz (how I got my foot in the door- no one ran quotes at the draft like me). There was a fan fest thing where Antawn Jamison, Vince Carter, Mike Bibby and 1 or 2 other guys played one-on-one against kids, and I swear to God this happened:

The kids were about 10 years old, and the hoops were only about 5 feet high so they could at least shoot and have a reasonable chance of going in. The players were all screwing around, and the kids were just happy to be on the same court. Except there was kid in Vince Carter's line who was better than all the rest and was taking it seriously. The first time he took on Vince, he took a shot and Vince swatted the ball to the other end of the court. The kid was pissed. He went back in line and waited his turn, didn't talk to anyone, didn't smile. He wanted revenge.

So he comes up again and Vince comes out to about halfway between the free throw line and three-point line to defend him, not really taking it seriously. The kid takes a few dribbles to his left, gets Vince to lean, and blows by him on the right. Now Vince is fucked, and he knows it. He tries to chase the kid down from behind but was a step behind, and the kid dunked it on the 5-foot hoop. The entire place exploded and Vince couldn't believe it. Antawn Jamison came over laughing his ass off and just tore Vince apart. And the kid didn't say a word, didn't smile. Just put his head down and got back in line.

One of the single most badass things I've ever seen.

The kid dunking on Vince Carter is awesome. You should track him down for an exclusive RTS interview...where are they now version.

And I'm not going to let the Thabeet thing die this easily, cause mainly, I'm an idiot.

First, the “good college player” theory I'm not buying. I realize he's a better player than me in the context of college basketball, team basketball, etc. One on one is different, so the fact that he scored a whopping 13 points a game in college isn't really amazing me.

Second, Thabeet could back me down from the 3-point line, but if he's going to play like that, I'm going to push and shove and what not. He can call the foul if he wants. Hell, he's listed at 267 lbs on I'm at about 235. I'm not giving up as much as you think, especially if he's having to dribble while I can just get better leverage.

Lastly, I'm thinking I could beat Thabeet maybe 1 or 2 times out of 10. Not good odds. But better odds than just about any other NBA player. You said I should go against a wing player that can't shoot. I'm going to give you a heads up. Uh, every wing player in the NBA is quicker, stronger and faster than me. I wouldn't stand a chance. It would be a dunk contest. They'd get to the rim easier than Thabeet's backing down technique. I'd rather play Thabeet than DeMarre Carroll. I suppose that's all I'm saying. But I do realize that Thabeet, overall, is a better player than DeMarre. I just like my one-on-one matchup better.

For crying out loud.

OK, let's say you camp out at the three-point line and try to hit bombs all day. If he sits back and you miss, he's getting the rebound. You'd have to shoot 75% from three-point range. No chance. And let's say he decides to play up on you and challenge you - there's no way you have the speed to blow by him and get to the rim untouched. At the very least he could recover and challenge the shot. How many contested layups are you making against a 7-3 shotblocker? He's not some lumbering 350-pound oaf. He's lean and has some modicum of athleticism, enough at least to chase down a 235-pound rec league player.

You say you could beat him 1 or 2 times out of 10. You'd be lucky to beat him 1 or 2 times out of 100.

The fact that you think I can't blow by Thabeet if he plays up on me really just shows you how underrated I am. I mean, have you seen this picture? Thabeet's got nothing on this!

And really, saying that Thabeet has a modicum of athleticism is really stretching it. I mean, he has a hard time even catching a damn ball.

Something else you haven't taken into account. I can score on Thabeet in the post. I've got Kevin McHale level post moves. Just subtract about 8 inches and add some serious love handles. Other than that, we're twins.

Lastly, 1 or 2 times out of 100? Are you kidding? I'm not playing 100 1 on 1 games. I'd die after about 15.

I think now you're just trying to annoy me. Mission accomplished. Listen mini-McHale - your post moves would be useless. He wouldn't bite on one of them because you can't shoot over him. All he has to do is stand there and swat them away.

I completely agree with everything you said about what should happen when I play Thabeet.

I just think you give Thabeet too much credit. I guess the fact that I've seen him play 75 times or so makes me realize that he won't back me down (even though he should), he will bite on my post moves (even though he shouldn't) and he won't give a crap and I will (which sounds about right).

Me 1, You 0

So you win an argument because you could coach Thabeet to victory over me? This isn't a video game where you get to control him. Just because Thabeet has the raw ability to dominate me 1 million times over, doesn't mean he would. He's an idiot. A goofy, uncoordinated idiot. I stand by my theory that I could beat him 1 out of 10 times. I stand by your theory that I shouldn't beat him 1 time out of 100.

NFL Preview Part 4 (AFC West)

This is the crappiest division in the NFL. San Diego should win 10 games just cause Philip Rivers is better than the rest of the AFC West QBs combined. (Jason Campbell, Matt Cassel and Kyle Orton). I'm not sure you could win the Super Bowl with an AFC West All-Star team. It would be what, Philip Rivers, Dwyane Bowe, Vincent Jackson and Jamal Charles as your best skill players?

And I hate the fact that Dwyane Wade has a different spelling of Dwayne than most, cause then I switch that crap out inadvertently. I blame LeBron.

Okay, so I got San Diego winning the division. The next 3 teams are a crapshoot. I like Josh McDaniels but don't think that offense can score enough. I think Oakland will improve, simply because they got JaMarcus Russell off the team, and I think Kansas City is a 6 win team. So, uh, here's my best guess.

1. San Diego (11-5)
2. Denver (7-9)
3. Kansas City (6-10)
4. Oakland (6-10)

I can't think of one thing about the AFC West that interests me. It's like the Grey's Anatomy of football as far as I'm concerned. It speaks to how bad this division is that the Chargers are down two big players to contract disputes, and it won't affect their chance at the division title one bit. The biggest issue with them is keeping themselves interested all season, kind of like me when I'm playing Wii Mario Kart. I'm so awesome I have to invent challenges to keep my interest (until the game give my opponents 18 blue shells in a row).

Denver...Tim Tebow...don't care.

I kind of feel bad for Kansas City. I don't know why, but they've always seemed like the most non-descript team in the league. Never that good, but never bad enough to get a star player in the draft. Now they pin their hopes on Matt Cassel. Between them and the Royals, that city is underrated when it comes to tortured fans. And I won't even start on the brand new arena they build specifically to lure and NBA or NHL team that 3 years later is still vacant.

And the Raiders are the Raiders. Whatever.

1: San Diego (10-6)
2: Kansas City (5-11)
3: Denver (5-11)
4: Oakland (4-12)

I love the fact that the majority of our previews revolves around, "man, that team is boring and I have nothing to say about them." I think our AFC West and AFC South previews were pretty much identical. We praise the Colts and Chargers and are completely bored by every other team. Good job us!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

NFL Preview Part 3 (AFC South)

Indy wins 12 games, easy. I'm not sure if they win more, but 12 is the minimum they'll win. That's just how it goes. The only question is whether they sit their players and lose a few games at the end, or actually have to play all season. Pretty boring, and I'll be watching every freaking game thanks to my Manning/Wayne fantasy combo.

I predicted the Titans would take a step back last year while you said they'd still be good. Suck it, Graham. I like Jeff Fisher and Chris Johnson (who doesn't), but I still don't think you can win with Vince Young as your QB and that WR corps, unless Kenny Britt breaks out. I don't hate the team but don't love it. I see anywhere from 7-10 wins.

Do I really have to write something about Jacksonville? I hate that team. Without looking, I'm guessing they've won between 6-9 games the last 4 seasons. They'll do the same.

Houston has one of those teams that should be better than they are. Didn't they win about 8 games last year? This division is so boring. There is the Colts and everyone else. How's that for a preview?

Indy runs away with the division, and in other news the sun rises in the East and Two and a Half men sucks. Whatever. I refuse to jump on board the Houston bandwagon, especially after Steve Slaton committed homicide against my fantasy team last year. I hate that guy. Tennessee will be perfectly average and Jacksonville sucks. I don't even know what else to say about this division.

1: Indy (13-3)
2: Houston (8-8)
3: Tennessee (6-10)
4: Jacksonville (5-11)

Since my understanding of the NFL is directly related to fantasy football, can we discuss Houston for a minute? Who is going to be the RB this year? Slaton was a stud 2 years ago and sucked last year. They drafted Ben Tate from Auburn and also have Arian Foster or something. I know to stay away from RB by committee teams, but if I'm stuck in the 11th round and need to take a flyer on a guy, which one is it? I mean, the offense is potent so if one guy can manage 15 carries a week, he should do decent. Which guy is it? I'm leaning towards Tate, I guess.

And since I have to do records, here's mine.

1: Indy (12-4)
2: Houston (8-8)
3: Tennessee (8-8)
4: Jacksonville (7-9)

Who will Houston's RB be this year? I'll tell you who: Steve Slaton. Here's why: In the 10th round of my draft later this month, I'm going to need a running back, and he's going to be on the board. I will pass over him while cursing his name, and watch as he proceeds to rack up 1300 yards and 12 TDs. So take Steve Slaton. And listen for my sobs from 2000 miles away.

Good to know. And when I draft Ronnie Brown or Ricky Williams, the player I pick will get hurt and the other one will be a stud. Fantasy football, good times!

I'm sure you read Bill Simmons' big manifesto on fantasy last week. Gotta say, I was really intrigued by the menage a trois idea. There's potential there.

Some of that was downright retarded though. I'm a huge fantasy nerd always looking to shake things up, but even I couldn't follow all the crap he was talking about. Although yes, a 3-team game would be somewhat interesting.

I did like the idea of being able to draft college players, although that would take a lot more research. I think at the end of every fantasy draft every person should be able to draft 1 college player and then cross their fingers. 9 out of 10 times it wouldn't pan out.

Yeah, when he started on backgammon or whatever the hell that was, I lost him. And no way on more than 1 college player. I'd rather try to perform a vasectomy on myself than follow college football.

Ahh, your hatred of college football. I don't "follow" it so much as I watch the Memphis Tigers cause I hate winning and I watch the SEC game of the week cause I don't have kids and just love football in general. I also like drinking and yelling at the TV.

If you love football so much, here is a schedule of CFL games on the NFL Network. Enjoy:

CFL is to Football as veggie burger is to burger, or as non-alcoholic beer is to beer.

Or the missionary position is to sex.

The line should've been "or sex with you is to sex"

Oh yeah? Well I slept with your wife!

My wife is in a coma.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

NFL Preview Part 2 (AFC North)

I love Baltimore this year...I know Ray Lewis is a year older, and Ed Reed is injured, but I still think the Ravens could make the AFC title game. Ray Rice is a stud, and with Anquan Boldin on board Joe Flacco has someone besides Derrick Mason to throw to. Seriously, Derrick Mason sucks, but he's been their number one option for a few years. This is a very good team.

After them though, I have no idea what to make of Cincinnati and Pittsburgh. Owens and Ochocinco (by the way, a year later, it still makes me laugh to type that) have both lost a step. Despite their love for themselves, they're not elite receivers anymore. But they might be just good enough. And if Pittsburgh can hang around until Rapistberger gets back, who knows?

Oh, and the Browns play in this division too. Just a reminder as it's easy to forget about them.

You leave Derrick Mason alone. He and I have had some good fantasy years together. He's a standard possession receiver though and shouldn't be your Number 1 guy. Boldin is a good addition except he will only plays like 10 games a year due to his physical style. But yeah, there's no reason that Baltimore doesn’t win the division. How’s that for a double negative?

Cincinnati will drop this year. That team wasn't that good. They somehow won games. I watched some of them last year cause I had Benson and man they were boring. Carson Palmer just isn't right and Chad Johnson isn't elite, just decent. Owens isn't even decent. He's a cancer. This team drops straight back to 5-11. Well, maybe not that much, but drops.

And Pittsburgh, uh, is Charlie Batch starting for them? Byron Leftwich? How many games does The Rapist miss? I think 4. Will they go 0-4? 1-3? They play the Lions, Giants, Broncos and Panthers in the first 4 weeks. I think 2-2 is their best case scenario without him. Regardless, I think the Steelers go 8-8.

And when having Jake Delhomme as your QB is an upgrade, well, your team sucks. Here's how I see it.

1. Ravens (13-3)
2. Steelers (8-8)
3. Bengals (7-9)
4. Browns (3-13)

So 3.6 seconds after sending my initial email, I went over to and read the following:

"Baltimore Ravens general manager Ozzie Newsome faces a tough month ahead. The season-ending knee injury to cornerback Domonique Foxworth will force Newsome to study rosters closer than any other front-office executive so that he can make trades and waiver claims on cornerbacks. Foxworth was a $7 million-a-year fix for the cornerback position last season. The combined salaries of the remaining players at cornerback are slightly more than $6 million. The Ravens are hurting at cornerback.

To make matters worse, Fabian Washington, who makes $1.809 million on a one-year deal, and Lardarius Webb, who makes $395,000, are coming off major knee injuries. Webb probably won't be ready for the opener, and Cary Williams opens the season with a two-game suspension. Newsome already has made a trade for cornerback Doug Dutch of the Washington Redskins, giving up quarterback John Beck, and he can dangle quarterback Troy Smith to get another corner."

OK, so Ray Lewis is a year older, Ed Reed is hurt and they have no cornerbacks. Is it too late to back away from my AFC title game prediction? I still think they win the division though.

Back to the Browns for a second...I follow football pretty intently, but I don't think I can name five of their players. There's Delhomme, I know that. And I think Joe Thomas is on the offensive line. Is Kellen Winslow still there? What about Jamal Lewis? Hell, Bernie Kosar might still be there for all I know.


1: Baltimore (10-6)
2: Cincinnati (8-8)
3: Pittsburgh (8-8)
4: Cleveland (1-15)

This is a fun game. Name the Browns players.

1. Jake Delhomme
2. Derek Anderson (i think)
3. Mohammad Massaquoi
4. Montario Hardesty
5. Josh Cribbs

That's all I got. I'm pretty proud of that list.

Derek Anderson is in Arizona with the Cardinals now, so you're down to 4. But I was wrong on Kellen Winslow- he's in Tampa. Turns out he was there last year too. From one irrelevant team to another. I had no idea.

I've never even heard of Hardesty. I really think Jamal Lewis is still there. Hang on a sec...yep! 9 games last year!

Wait, Jamal Lewis is in Cleveland? I thought you were joking. And Anderson, who knew? Jerome Harrison is in Cleveland, and I couldn't think of his name, but then I just read a fantasy column and he was referenced. I'm giving myself a half a point.

Lewis has been there for a few seasons winding down his career.

I just thought about this. I'm in a 14-team fantasy league, 13 players per roster. That's 182 players who will be drafted. And there's a good chance not one will be a Brown. Incredible.

I bet 3 guys get drafted.

1. Jerome Harrison
2. Montario Hardesty
3. Mohammad Massaquoi

I read someone predict that Hardesty would get Rookie of the Year. I wish I could go back and find out who, cause that's hilarious to think that offense will move the ball or score points.

Will Tampa Bay have people drafted besides Kellen Winslow?

I have no idea. Maybe Josh Freeman goes as an insurance QB in the last round. Hey- does Warrick Dunn still play for them? I'm asking that honestly. I don't even know. Either I know less about football than I thought, or Tampa and Cleveland are completely irrelevant.

Warrick Dunn dropped several late drive passes 2 years ago and lost me my fantasy playoff game (I lost by 1 point). He was in Tampa then. I'm pretty sure that was his last year there.

Who are the Tampa Bay RBs? I think it's Cadillac Williams and that guy they signed from the Giants, whoever was Brandon Jacobs backup. This is so confusing.

I totally forgot about Cadillac. OK, now I have to go was Derrick Ward. I could have sat here for 5 hours thinking about it and never come up with that name. And get this, their leading receiver was Winslow. With 884 yards. Their leading receiver was TE with less than 900 yards. Wow.

Check this out. I'm guessing their leading wide receiver was Sammie Stroughter. I have no idea where I pulled that name. See if I'm right.

Close- it was the one and only Antonio Bryant. But Sammie was next in line.

Damn you Antonio Bryant!

Monday, August 16, 2010

NFL Preview Part 1 (AFC East)

Between now and Labor Day, Graham and I will tackle a NFL Preview the only way we know how, by debating it via email when we should be working. This week, we tackle the AFC. There's a 50% chance we'll get all of the NFC done as well. Without further ado, here's our AFC East preview.

I can't figure out the AFC East. The Jets are the hot team, but every year the most buzzed about team flops. And if Darrelle Revis doesn't get signed soon, that's a big problem. As for New England, they have no running game and Wes Welker is coming off about 12 torn knee ligaments. Miami could have a bounce back year, but who knows? Hell, at this rate, Buffalo might win 11 games. OK, maybe not.

I think that it's clear that the Bills suck. Is Trent Edwards still their QB? And is Lee Evans still their best WR? What's the opposite of a game changer? A game stay the samer? That's what the Edwards/Evans combo is. And if Trent Edwards isn't their QB, well, I'm sure whoever it is sucks. Pencil the Bills in for 3-6 wins. I'd look at their schedule and give an exact prediction except reading 16 Bills games sounds almost as boring as watching 16 Bills games.

The Jets, Dolphins and Patriots are all good teams. Each has flaws but enough talent to overcome. I still don't trust Mark Sanchez and Braylon Edwards but the Jets D and run game is sick. That'll keep them in games. I could see them winning between 9-12 games. Revis will play is my guess.

The Pats have Brady and Moss, or as I like to call them, the anti-Edwards/Evans. There's no way this team wins less than 9 games with those guys healthy. I have no clue who their RB is, their 2nd WR, or any of their defenders. But I don't count out the Pats unless the karma police crush Brady's knee again.

And my beloved Dolphins, well, they should be fine. I love the Brandon Marshall addition. Going from Ted Ginn to Marshall is like trading a used 1972 Ford Pinto for a brand spanking new Ferrari. Of course, this Ferrari could potentially get arrested at any given moment, but still. Ronnie Brown will be awesome for 7 games and get injured. Ricky Williams could run for 1,000 yards or breakdown. And the defense is average. I think 8-11 wins is in range, depending on how the schedule is. They essentially need to beat the Bills twice, and split with the Jets and Pats. 4-2 in division gives them a chance for playoffs I think.

Question: should the Bills just move to Toronto at this point? I mean, I hate to kick the good people of Buffalo around, but it's time for a fresh start for that franchise. They dipped their toe in the water last year for a couple of games, just make the leap already. I mean, if Toronto can support the Argonauts, they can support the Bills. Speaking of Lee Evans, I'm well acquainted with his nothingness. I had him in fantasy last year, and he was as effective as wet toilet paper.

As for the Jets, I just see a big letdown coming. Sanchez wasn't great last year, just good enough not to blow games and caught some breaks along the way. Between the hype, aging veterans whose contributions are murky (see: Tomlinson, LaDainian) and a possible Revis no-show, there's more warning signs than a firing range. I agree New England should have enough to win the division, but they aren't the juggernaut they used to be. I don't see them getting back to the Super Bowl.

And your beloved Dolphins...not feeling it. Sorry.

Here's how I see the division playing out:

1: New England (11-5)
2: New York Jets (10-6, wild card team)
3: Miami (8-8)
4: Buffalo (3-13)

I'm onboard with everything you said, except I think the Dolphins could sneak into 10 wins from 8-8 with a few breaks, just like I think the Jets could drop to 8 wins without Revis. I just don't see much difference between the Pats, Jets and Dolphins. The best team will get 11-12 wins and the worst team will get 8 wins. It's tough at the top there.

As for Buffalo, instead of moving to Toronto, can we just abolish that team altogether? Even in their best years, they got beat silly in the Super Bowl 4 straight years. Seriously, if your glory days involve being a joke of a runner-up, let's just call it quits, okay? Sorta like the Memphis Grizzlies best season involves the words “swept in the 1st Round of the Playoffs.”

You know the year that Randy Moss had like 85 TDs in the Pats 16-0 season. I took Lee Evans ahead of him thanks to over thinking it and reading too much Matthew Berry. It was the worst fantasy decision of my life. Just for continuity, here's my pick

1. New England (10-6)
2. Miami (9-7)
3. New York (9-7)
4. Buffalo (3-13)

Sunday, August 15, 2010

6 Weeks of Stumbles

I’ve let 6 weeks worth of good links build up and now it’s time to unleash them upon our rabid fanbase of 10 followers. Contain yourself!

This is pain.

Jersey Shore talking bobbleheads. They sell themselves, really.

The only disappointing thing about this video is the girl that kicks the ball stops after it happens. I would’ve kept playing and tried to score.

I like dancing in the street as much as the next guy. Just be careful out there, okay?

I’m so glad this wasn’t around when I was in college. Actually, I would’ve abused it the most, what am I talking about?

The guy that made this should’ve retired from basketball right then and there.

So very true.

Do you like car crashes and verbal abuse?

This is what you get for going on Glen Beck.

For your inner South Park dork.

I’m fine! I’m okay! I’m okay!

If we ever have an RTS Man of the Year, this guy would be at the top of the list for 2010.


Saturday, August 14, 2010

Worst Movies Ever

Last week via twitter there was a localized debate brought about by @waskew. It was about the worst movie you've ever seen. I didn’t jump into the debate at the time for a variety of reasons: I was busy at work, I’m lazy, and I’ve seen a ton of crappy movies. I didn’t want to just fly off the handle with one or two movies and leave out some of the truly crappy ones that I’ve seen. Note: I used to work at a video store and then a movie theater so I had free movies from the age of 15 to 23. I had a lot to pick from. So, just like most everything else we do here at RTS, here’s my one week late list of worst movies ever seen. (I simply picked all the movies I’ve rated 1 star on Netflix). (Just skip to the bottom for some analysis if you don’t feel like browsing through a ton of crappy movies that you might or might not have heard of).

10,000 BC
Angels & Demons
Batman & Robin
The Boxer
The Brave One
The Brothers Grimm
Cabin Fever
The Chumscrubber
City by the Sea
Collateral Damage
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Cradle 2 the Grave
Dante's Peak
Dave Chappelle's Block Party
Down in the Valley
Eagle Eye
Eyes Wide Shut
Flags of Our Fathers
The General's Daughter
Get Smart
Ghost World
Green Zone
The Haunting of Molly Hartley
Henry Poole Is Here
The Island
Kingdom of Heaven
Kissing a Fool
The Ladykillers
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Love Guru
The Man Who Wasn't There
The Mask of Zorro
Master and Commander
Miami Vice
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
Mission: Impossible II
The New World
Nightwatch (Nick Nolte movie)
Paradise Now
Paranormal Activity
Patch Adams
Pauly Shore is Dead
Pearl Harbor
The Perfect Storm
The Pest
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Psycho (remake)
Punch-Drunk Love
Rachel Getting Married
A Sound of Thunder
Spider-Man 2
The Straight Story
Swimming Pool
Synecdoche, New York
The Tailor of Panama
The Time Machine
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything
Tomb Raider
Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
U Turn
V for Vendetta
Van Helsing
Vanilla Sky
We Were Soldiers
Wild Wild West
You Don't Mess with the Zohan

Now, a few notes should be made.

First, my wife used to love horror movies and I hate them. So some of these movies got 1 star simply cause I hate the genre in particular. But really, "Saw III" was painful for even the most ardent of horror fans.

Second, about 15% of the movies on this list I didn’t even finish. So yeah, maybe the ending turned out better, but if I can’t make it to the ending, then what’s the point?

Third, some of this is my own damn fault. I mean, I hated "Spiderman" and "Tomb Raider" and yet I still saw "Spiderman 2" and "Tomb Raider 2". Needless to say, I watched a lot of movies when I worked at a movie theater.

Without further ado, here’s my lowlights

Lord of the Rings
Everyone raves about this series like Jesus Christ himself came down and blessed this trilogy. I just didn’t get it. The first one was boring and I feel asleep in the second one. I have a 120 minute theory about movies. If a movie is going to go over 120 minutes, it better be for a good reason. Otherwise, it’s going to bore me. Why exactly was this movie 3 hours? So they could walk and walk and walk? Ugh.

As part of my 120 minute theory, I remember this movie being painfully long. When two movies suck, whichever movie lasted longer sucks worse. So, "Alexander" is worse than "The Love Guru". Think about it.

Batman & Robin
The first truly terrible movie I’ve seen. It’s like the "Plan 9 of Outer Space" of my generation.

Down in the Valley
I love Edward Norton. This had to been one of the most disappointing movies I’ve seen. It’s atrocious.

Dennis Quaid teams up with a dragon with the voice of Sean Connery. How could that not be cool? Trust me, it wasn’t.

This is a classic! It’s amazing! Blah, blah, blah. Nothing happens. I kept waiting for this to get good. And I’m sure if Chris Herrington reads this post he’ll blast me for not liking this movie. Seriously, I remember some people being stuck in traffic for what seems like forever until I turned the damn movie off.

I’m sure I’ll catch some grief for this but I needed subtitles for this movie. I couldn’t understand a damn word. And I feel asleep trying to watch this. I tried again and feel asleep again. This movie puts me to sleep faster than JaMarcus Russell’s sizzurp.

Pretty much the worst movie of all-time, simply because so many people without a brain laud it. It’s just a bunch of ripped dudes talking in deep voices about honor. “We have to defend our nation. Sparta is our home. Etc. Etc. Etc.” Then they go fight for like 45 minutes, take a break, talk about defending Sparta and honor again and repeat. This happens about 7 times and then the movie ends. It’s torture. I’d rather have fought 300 Spartans on my own than have to watch this again.


Thursday, August 5, 2010

We're back!

Okay, so neither of us has posted in a month. I know our fan base is clamoring for a something. So here you go.


Sunday, July 4, 2010

Stumbling towards vacation

I’m about to go on vacation for a week. I couldn’t just leave RTS hanging like that. So it’s time for a mammoth list of links.

Look, teabagging is a real problem that no one should suffer through. But if it happens to you, it’s probably best not to go on the news discussing it. Just move on, you know?

Calling this an epic fail doesn’t do this justice. What’s bigger than an epic fail…a life-altering fail?

Graham, can you send me your address? I’ve got a present for your newborn.

Pretty much every awesome moment from ‘80s movies.

This is brilliant idea. They should actually make some children’s books like this. It would be great bathroom reading material.

Not much else to say about this other than, this is a pretty cool video.

This is what growing up with a big brother is like, except multiple it by 16 years or so.

Fight Club music video. Still holds up.

This is why I don’t play baseball. Well, this and I don’t like chewing tobacco.

Cool 8-bit song with Lego animation.

“Try to bust your opponent’s balls”

I love smart asses.

Bungee jumping isn’t one of those things you can go into with doubts. Here’s why.

Native Americans FTW!

I’ve been watching this video everyday trying to hone my dance skills.

Good summer song.

This is like the ice cream truck for men.

I want what this guy is having.

One day I’ll be writing this song about the Memphis Grizzlies leaving town. Except the lyrics will simply be, “Who wants to cheer for a Michael Heisley team anyway?”

Please buy me this.

This pretty much sums up my college years.

There’s times when I feel old…you know…pretty much whenever I put it on MTV. But this video takes the cake.

Certain things define your lifetime. Most everyone remembers where they were when the Twin Towers were attacked, or when they first heard a Beatles song, or had their first kiss. Well, prepare to be wowed again. This video will change your life.


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Danger, White Guy Ranting

I saw the above image on this site.

Bravo my friend, bravo. I hate people like this. And while I'm here, ranting about people cutting in line, I've got another bone to pick.

I walk into the movie theater today. There are ropes that go in snake-like fashion to the box office. The line is essentially empty except for one mother and teenage child standing halfway down the snake. They are in line, in a technical sense, so I stand behind them. They aren't moving farther down the empty part of the line towards the teller. I hear the mother say, "I don't know where she is." It seems pretty clear she says it for me to hear. My understanding is, "I'm waiting on someone." So, I cross over the rope and walk towards the teller. As I'm standing at the front of the line waiting on the next teller, I hear the kid go, "Way to go Mom!" She has jumped over the ropes to stand in front of me. As she stands in front of me, her friend joins her and they walk to to the teller.

So here's my question: if the lady was in line, why didn't she walk to the front of it to start with? If she was going to be offended that someone skipped her, why would she stand in the middle and encourage this? Who stands in the middle of an empty line and then scoffs when you take that as a sign that they aren't ready to purchase a ticket? You know who does, this stupid lady. But the jokes on her...her kid was ugly.