Tuesday, May 26, 2009

High School Cool

You know, I’ll just go ahead and throw this out there: I wasn’t that popular in high school. I wasn’t on the bottom of the food chain, but man, why wasn’t this guy at my school? I would’ve looked like the pinnacle of cool if this guy was posting videos back in 1999. And in case you are wondering, the pinnacle of high-school coolness is Les Anderson.

By the way, if you somehow made it through that entire video, there’s more. I celebrate the guy’s entire catalog.

And of course, I save the best for last.


Thursday, May 21, 2009

Be Right Back...

Graham will be in a cabin with his family this weekend and I'll be whitewater rafting with 6 other dudes as part of my bachelor weekend, so no posts for a bit. We'll be back in action soon enough, don't you fret.


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Jerk of the Month

A few weeks ago I had to go to Edmonton for work. Emphasis on the “had to”.

Anyway, like many cities, a lot of their intersections downtown have a noise wired into the stoplights that lets blind people know it's ok to cross.

However, unlike most cities, where the noise is automatic as soon as the light changes, Edmonton apparently wants to cut down on noise pollution, as a button has to be pressed to trigger the noise when the light changes.

Here's the problem: how the goddamn hell is a blind person supposed to find the button? Does the city want the visually impaired to stumble around helplessly looking for this magical instrument that will allow them to cross the street safely? Is this a joke the city of Edmonton is perpetrating on the visually impaired? It's just cruel.

So congratulations, City of Edmonton. You are the first winners of RTS’s “Jerk of the Month” Award.

(Important note: in no way should this be taken as a sign that we will actually be handing out such an award on a monthly basis. That would require foresight, planning, and most of all, a will to care about or product. None of those traits really apply to us.)

Speaking of idiocy, try this one on for size. Saturday afternoon, after a typical morning spent mentoring underprivileged youth and volunteering at a nursing home, I decided to hit a Wendy’s drive-thru for lunch.

Typically, my order is such: two of the five-piece value meal chicken nuggets and a large fries. I don’t bother with a drink because I’m taking it home and don’t need to pay for one.

So I go through the drive-thru and make the mistake of ordering a 10-piece nugget (instead of saying two five-piece nuggets) and fries. The girl asks what I want to drink, and I say I don’t want one. She informs me that I need to order a drink for the 10-piece combo. My mind was a little off after my long morning of volunteer community work, so I just said Coke and got on with my day.

Granted, I could and should have corrected her, but riddle me this loyal readers: what’s the damn difference between order 10 pieces versus two five-pieces? Why overcomplicate things? A Wendy’s drive-thru should be the last place where I’m forced to do any critical thought (well, next to a strip club of course), and yet here I am being forced to properly articulate whether I want a 10-piece or two five-pieces.

Wendy’s, you are the runner-up.

Nick Lachey is all in my head

Guys, the unintentional comedy scale has been taken to a new level. I don't know what all the filler in the middle is about, but the 2:45 mark of this video slays me. It's also taught me how to lip sync and point while still looking uber-cool. I've been waiting to add that to my repertoire. Thanks Nick Lachey!


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I'm overpaid and mediocre, and undervalued

We’re back. After a brief hiatus, Graham and I have returned to talk about offseason NFL news. Can it get any better? Of course not. Here’s today’s email chain.

I read this today, "(Thomas) Jones, 30, the team's No. 1 running back, has been a no-show for all of the team's workouts this offseason. Jones is scheduled to make $900,000 in 2009, the third season of a four-year, $20 million contract he agreed to when he was acquired from the Bears in 2007. He made $13.1 million in the first two seasons of his contract."

Let me get this straight, you are Thomas Jones, you somehow got someone to pay you $20 million bucks, you've made $13.1 million of that already, you sucked last year, just turned 30 (RB Death) and now you want more money? I wish my employer would frontload my salary like that. They give me 65% of my yearly earnings in January, then in May, I tell them, "I'm not happy with my salary coming up. Also, statistics say I'm about to be half as productive at work starting right about now as well. But regardless, I think you owe me more money."

What the hell is that? It's hard to live in a world where Thomas Jones signed a 20 million dollar contract, but it's harder to live in a world in which he isn't happy with that.

What kills me is that at some point, when he was getting set to sign his contract, his agent would have said, "Now remember, in Year 3, you're only getting 900K." He signed, and now is unhappy about it? Stuff like this makes me dislike sports. Not as much as Roberto Luongo giving up 7 goals in an elimination game, but a little.

What's even worse is that he was blowing through that 13.1 million without a thought in the world and now he's like "Oh crap, I don't have the money to pay the house note on my 3 mansions, the car note on my 18 escalades and alimony for my 3 ex-wives." And we sit here and say he's "only making 900,000." Only? Hell, I won't have made $900,000 in my lifetime until I'm 50 and he's bitching about it being his salary for what, an 8 month a year job?

The other thing is, if Thomas Jones calls the Jets and threatens not to report, do they at least feign disappointment to spare his dignity, or hang up the phone altogether? Seriously, Thomas Jones?

I bet it went like this.

Thomas Jones Agent: David, I've got my client here, star running back Thomas Jones, and we wanted to let you know we think his salary for the upcoming season is unsatisfactory for a player of TJ the TD Machine's caliber.

Jets GM: Who is this? Jerry, are you playing another prank on me?

Agent: No, this isn't a prank, are you disrespecting my client? We want a new contract for Jones.

Jets GM: (Uncontrollable laughter). Stop it! Stop it Jerry! I can't take this. I have to get some work done today.

Agent: Thomas will not be at workouts tomorrow.

Jets GM: This is too rich! I just wet myself. What next, Brett Favre wants to comeback for the 18th time? While we're at it, let's just go ahead and sign Joey Harrington to a multi-year deal. Ahhhh-hahahaha. Thomas Jones is holding out. That's a good one. I'm exhausted.

Speaking of the NFL, how great was the story that after the Seahawks signed TJ Houshmandzadeh he got a call from Chad Johnson sobbing because "everyone got leave except him".

Between Johnson stuck in Cincy, where many of their problems are of his doing, and TO ending up in Buffalo, it feels like there is a modicum of justice in the world. Now we just need Jay Cutler to blow out his elbow and I'll be happy.

Yeah, this is what we do.

Chris & Graham

Thursday, May 7, 2009

This one hurt

When the Blackhawks scored the game-winner not 5 minutes into overtime tonight in Game 4 against Vancouver, I blurted a few f-bombs and punched the couch cushions.

My wife told me I should go for a walk, and she was right. I threw on a sweatshirt, grabbed my iPod and stormed out.

I hit shuffle, and the first song, the very first goddamn song, was Chelsea Dagger by the Fratellis. That was the song the United Center played when Chicago won the game not 10 minutes earlier.

Of course it was.

I was furious. The series was tied 2-2, and the Canucks still had home ice advantage, but it might as well have been over. The Canucks blew a 3-goal lead in Game 1, and barely won. They blew a 2-0 lead in Game 2 and got blown out. They finally dictated the pace of Game 3 and got a relatively easy win.

Then came Game 4 tonight. The Canucks had a 1-0 lead in the third period, but were just hanging on. Chicago had all the momentum, and the Canucks were scrambling. But they were hanging in...15 minutes left...10 minutes left...9...8...In one-goal games in the playoffs, every minute feels like 20. It's awful. 5...4...then it happened. It was inevitable, really. Chicago tied it.

I turned to my wife and said, "This changes everything."

The Canucks were 3 minutes away from going up 3-1 with Game 5 coming up at home. They'd have 3 wins when they really only deserved one. But that's what championship teams do, right? Find ways to win when they shouldn't?

But this is the Canucks. When Chicago scored in overtime, I was furious, but not surprised.

So I went for my walk to clear my head, but it wasn't working. Every Canucks fan knows this is the year. The Sedins can walk after the season, and there might not be enough room under the cap to re-sign them. Ohlund's all but gone. Luongo, the ethereal goalie we've been waiting our whole lives for, has one year left and may not re-up if he thinks the team is going in the wrong direction. Which, without the Sedins, is a certainty.

It feels like now or never, and that sucks. The mind starts racing. Why does Tampa Bay get a Stanley Cup, but not Vancouver? Anaheim and Carolina get their parades, but not Vancouver? Where's the justice in that? There is none.

And here they were, 3 minutes from putting a stranglehold on a series they've been mostly outplayed in, and they pissed it away. It felt like there was no way to reconcile that.

I kept walking. I was thinking about what it would take for one of my teams to win a title. My two favorite teams in sports are the Canucks and Seattle Mariners. They have no titles between them. The Canucks have all of two appearances in the finals in their 39 years, the Mariners none in their 32. The Mariners aren't anywhere close. The Canucks might not be after this year.

I know it shouldn't bother me as much as it does. They're just games. Why does it matter this much? Why do I need to storm out for a walk after a loss? Is this what I want to pass on to my son? Should I steer him away from being a sports fan? Should I just make him a Lakers and Yankees fan so he doesn't know what this feels like? When the hell does it get to be my turn?

I kept walking and wondering. Wondering why I do this to myself. Wondering if I even enjoy it anymore.

After an hour, it was getting dark outside, but finally I was starting to snap out of it. As I came around the corner and started walking home, there was time for one more song.

This time, my iPod delivered. It was "Challengers" by the New Pornographers. That song has a line that's perfect on so many levels when Neko Case sings, "Whatever the mess you are, you're mine, ok?"

That's what it is to be a sports fan - what the mess they are, they're yours, ok? It wasn't so bad after all. The series is 2-2. We have Luongo.

Game 5 is Saturday at home.

Screw it. I'm in.


Monday, May 4, 2009

Popeye's ran out of chicken, everyone panic!!!!

Watch this gem and then we’ll discuss.

What’s the purpose of yelling at a recorded message? Seriously, it said they were closed and the woman proceeds to yell about how she’s trying to get some Popeye’s for her kids. Really, if you’re that concerned about your kids, you won’t be feeding them fast-food fried chicken.

One guy said, “No chicken, or are they just out of chicken?” Holy hell, where to start? What’s the difference between no chicken and out of chicken, exactly? Did he think that the chicken had become extinct, then realized that the Popeye’s was just out, not planet Earth?

One lady went to multiple Popeye’s locations looking for the chicken special. Is this the only fried chicken place on the planet? Are you really saving money when you drive past 5 other fried chicken options and waste gas just to get to Popeye’s, only to have them be out as well?

“They should have had a tractor-trailer out back with chicken on ice, you know…” Yeah, cause renting tractor-trailers full of chicken and ice is worth it for the $4.99 chicken special. Why didn’t they think of that?

“I’m more disappointed than angry,” another customer says. Why is he talking to the reporter like he’s his father?


Sunday, May 3, 2009

Summer Movie Season is upon us

Wolverine came out this weekend to mark the start of the summer movie season. Here’s the 5 summer movies I’m most looking forward to.

Is the Terminator series the best sci fci series of all-time? Is it the best action series? I could probably make an pretty good argument for both. I couldn’t be more excited for the next one with Christian Bale.

Usually Vegas movies suck and so do clichéd bachelor party entities. So why in the hell would I want to see this one? Well, I’m a big fan of Todd Phillips (Road Trip, Old School, School for Scoundrels) and it’s hard to go wrong with Andy from The Office. So yeah, I’ll watch this. (Bonus, while looking up Todd Phillips imdb page, it shows a sequel to Old School is coming out.)

“I like baseball, movies, good clothes, fast cars and you. What else do you need to know?”

Bruno only has to be half as good as Borat to achieve classic status. I couldn’t find a Bruno trailer, but this should give you a good idea of what to expect.

Seriously, I can’t go too long without pimping Dennis Quaid, aka the best actor ever.