Friday, April 29, 2011

On the Grizzlies, heckling, Arcade Fire and cool Canadians

Remember when Rick Reilly picked Denver in the Conference Finals? They were only 7 wins short of his prediction. So close!

Man, and Reilly's never wrong!

How are you feeling about the Grizz tonight?

I'm feeling like I shouldn't have had that last beer after the concert last night.

Ok, here's how I feel about the Grizz.

a. I plan on going to the game. The Grizz are 0-6 when I'm in the building in the playoffs, and 2-0 when I’m not. If they lose, it really is my fault.

b. A lot of the local media is glossing over the game 5 loss. “It was a tough but expected loss. The way it was lost was just absurd. This team is mentally strong and will bounce back. No need to worry. All is well.” I'm completely opposite. I know, KNOW, the loss was a fluke and I don't think that the loss, in itself, will affect tonight's game. However, with all but 1 game coming down to the wire, what's to say that this one doesn't come down to the wire as well, with us on the wrong end of it. That's a completely legit outcome. And that scares the shit out of me. What if Z-Bo or Shane misses a 3 in the final minute tonight? What if Jefferson finally hits one? I'm concerned. I'm not concerned that we'll play poorly or anything. I'm just concerned we'll be on the losing end of a tight game.

c. Uh, am I still doing letter points after the last one was an incoherent mess?

d. Yes, and I'm answering my own questions with 1 sentence answers, Calkins-style.

e. Alright, enough of that. Bottom line. This is the first "must win" game of the series for the Grizz. Maybe Game 3 was a bit like that as well. But this feels like a must-win for both teams. The winner of this game advances. I really think that goes for both us (obvious) and them. We will not win game 7 in San Antonio. I just pray to god the refs don't get whistle happy on the flops the Spurs pull all the damn time. The Spurs average 37 free throws in SA and only 23 in Memphis (via Chris Herrington). As long as I don't watch an f-ing free throw contest tonight between Ginobili and Parker, I'm calling this a Grizz win. 97-90. The bench keys the win by building a double digit margin late in the 3rd and the Spurs never get the lead again.

f. If the Grizz lose, post this email as the final one on RTS. I'll be wading in the Mississippi River immediately after the game.

Biggest thing is not getting down early again like Game 5. Can't imagine the Spurs are going to cough up too many more double digit leads. But this team doesn't seem intimidated by the moment like the first Grizz playoff teams did. I actually have a pretty good feeling they will win tonight. Amazing- here I am typing that I have a pretty good feeling the #8 Grizz can take out the #1 Spurs.

Yeah, it's really absurd to think about the expectations these Grizzlies have created for themselves. At this point, it would seem that it would be an upset for the Spurs to win the series. And I think the Grizz have a better chance against the Thunder than the Spurs do, as well.

I was thinking about this today in the shower. The Grizzlies almost beat the Spurs 4-1. Think about that. 4-1 is dominant by any measure, but Grizzlies 4, Spurs 1? Spurs the 1 seed, Grizz the 8...Spurs with homecourt advantage, and it took 2 fluke shots just to force a freaking game 6.

If the Grizz were going to win the series, it would have to be in 6 games. That's what anyone would've thought. Well, here it is. Let's do this.

Please don't tell me anything about your showers again. I picture you naked enough as it is, it's starting to get awkward.

How was the Arcade Fire?

I can't come back from that.

Arcade Fire was good. The show was excellent but I thought they should've played a little more. I think they played about an hour and 40 minutes. I wanted 2 hours. But they are easily the coolest Canadians I know. Number 2 is Alan Thicke. You're a distant 3rd.

Funny story about last night. I was standing in the beverages line and I happened to see the Spurs Media Relations guy walking to get a coke. I'm not quite sure why I recognized him, but I know that he had 0% clue who I was. Anyway, as I see him walking towards me, I just start saying, "Booo, booo Spurs" until he looks at me. He just laughed a little as he walked by. I bet he was standing there going, "how the hell does that guy know I work for the Spurs." He was in plain clothes. Anyway, that's how I roll. He was in Grizz country. I had to let him know I was there man. He was with Matt Bonner and Richard Jefferson. I was a little depressed those guys had good taste in music.

I know I can't compete with the Arcade Fire and Alan Thicke, but I'm cooler than Alex Trebek? Sweet.

Nice that you heckled the PR guy. Well played.

You beat Trebek and Bryan Adams. I think you buttered me up talking about how often you picture me naked. I think our emails just jumped the shark. I used "buttered" and "me naked" in the same sentence.

Watch us put up a preview that they'll win, and go out and lose by 30. We'll be the Rick Reillys of the blogosphere!

Except cooler. You ARE number 3 in my Canadian Power Rankings.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

We can't quit you Rick Reilly

Neither Graham nor I have posted in months. We’ve both been busy with, uh, going to our jobs and watching sports. It’s hard out here for a pimp! Regardless, the entire point of this blog is pretty much to make fun of sports media members 5 times a year. What better way for RTS to jump back into the blogging scene than a Rick Reilly column on the NBA. Sometimes, it’s just too easy.

Reilly: New Orleans Hornets vs. Los Angeles Lakers -- Forget it. Without David West, even Chris Paul on a "Limitless" pill can't win two games in this series. Lakers in 5, and Paul calls Student Movers the next day.

Chris: Doesn't the limitless pill make you realize your full potential? Wouldn't we agree Chris Paul has already done that? What, it would take him from 95% of his potential to 100%. What a big fucking jump. And what a bold move to say the Lakers in 5. Uh, this is a sweep.

Graham: The Chris Paul Limitless pill. I haven't seen the movie, but from the trailer it supposed the pill can make you 100% in every aspect of your life. So how would Chris Paul all of a sudden correctly predicting the stock market have any effect on his game? Can it fix his knee?

Chris: Yeah, I'm still confused by this one. Shouldn't the line have been "not even Chris Paul with Greg Anderson as his trainer could save the Hornets."

Reilly: The Thunder, everybody's cool new kid in class, is about to get a wedgie in front of the whole playground.

Chris: Weren't the Thunder good last year? How is this team "new"?

Reilly: Never pick a team with Zach Randolph on it. He has an extra punk chromosome. What's remarkable is that Memphis coach Lionel Hollins looked like a guy TRYING to lose so he could play the Spurs in the first round.

Chris: Don't even get me started. Congrats on showing you haven't seen Zach Randolph play the last 2 years. And the Grizz had 3 options - win twice and maybe get Dallas or LA. Go 1-1 and maybe get Dallas or LA. Go 0-2, rest your best players, play the Spurs. It's not like any of these scenarios were ideal.

Reilly: What do Oasis, Winona Ryder and the Mavericks have in common? They're massive underachievers.

Chris: Oasis and Winona Ryder? Way to keep up with current pop culture Rick! I bet he had to google Oasis and Ryder too.

Graham: Can you really call Oasis underachievers? They were one of the biggest bands of the 90s! They sold 100 million albums! And Winona Ryder can't act so the fact she got as big as she did is amazing in itself.

Chris: I was so perplexed by the mid '90s references that I forgot to get offended by the shot at Oasis. I like Oasis!

Reilly: Philadelphia 76ers vs. Miami Heat -- The Heat are fueled by emotion more than any other team in the league. The world will be watching them in this series.

Chris: Nope, everyone will be watching Celtics-Knicks buddy. No one cares about Miami till the next round. This series couldn't be less exciting.

Reilly: New York Knicks vs. Boston Celtics -- Boston is the John McCain of these playoffs. Great story, good ideas, too old. If New York had just one more big, it could win this, but it insisted on Chauncey Billups instead. Plus, Rajon Rondo is a god.

Chris: Wait, John McCain is a great story? What story is that? And how is Boston a great story? Aren't they a tired story? Aging vets try for one last ring. And how are the Celtics a "good idea." If the idea was to trade a young low post defender, rebounder and intimidator because you have washed up Shaq and Jermaine O'Neal, then yeah, they are a good idea. And wasn't Chauncey part of the trade for cap reasons? And what "big" did Denver want to give them? Chris Anderson? And Rajon Rondo is a god? The god of crappy free throws, I suppose.

And Reilly picked Denver over San Antonio. Awesome. I give Denver in the Conference finals a .05% chance of happening. There's a greater chance Winona Rider becomes a star again.

Reilly: Boston vs. Miami -- The showcase series of the playoffs. So many stars, some are in the third row. Rondo locks up Dwyane Wade, but LeBron, making up for the hot mess he put on in the 2010 playoffs, averages 38 and 8 and three new dance moves a night. Boston might've won this if it'd known Shaq was going to be the first superstar to retire and still show up for games.

Chris: Rondo locks up D-Wade? By locks up, you mean, forces him straight into the paint where Shaq fouls him hard as shit, then yeah, Rondo locks him up. Boston was a "great idea" the last series, but now they are the morons that trusted in a washed up Shaq.

Reilly: Denver vs. Los Angeles -- This one is as one-sided as The Falkland Islands War.

Chris: Any time you can reference a war that lasted 74 days 28 years ago, you have to.

Graham: Falkland Islands War. Wow. 96% of his audience will have no idea what he's talking about. It would be like making a joke about the Quebec separatist movement. In fact, I'd like to see that.

Chris: Graham, you're completely wrong on this. I'm guessing 96% of Reilly's audience is some middle aged man who paid attention to the Falkland Islands War back in 1982, you know, when I was 2 years old.

Reilly: Miami vs. Chicago -- With home-court advantage, the Bulls weather the wave after wave of attacks on Rose.

Chris: So the homecourt advantage allows the Bulls to weather attacks on Rose. Do the fans get involved or something? And if they didn't have homecourt advantage, then the Bulls would just quit if D-Rose gets knocked down? I’m so confused.

Reilly: Los Angeles vs. Chicago -- The Lakers fall apart like a Jenga tower. Andrew Bynum's legs give out. Kobe's shoulder gives out. Pau Gasol's knee gives out. Rose is so quick and full of energy against the Lakers, he looks like a squirrel trapped inside an assisted living home. Bulls in 6, Rose in full bloom. Don't need to dream that.

Chris: So he's betting that the Lakers sustain injuries to their 2 best players and 3 of their top 4 players and still take the series to 6 games. Are the Lakers tied 2-2 and then everyone gets injured at the same time? How does this work? A squirrel trapped inside an assisted living home? I'll have to take Reilly's word on that, since he's old enough to live in one.

Graham: How is a squirrel trapped in an assisted living home any more energetic than a squirrel trapped in a regular home? Or a school? Or a library? Or really, any other edifice of any kind?

Chris: And if it's trapped, does it have as much energy? Shouldn't it be a squirrel running lose in an assisted living home? And I suppose the assisted living home is a shot at the Lakers age, you know, since they are all 15-20 years younger than Reilly.