Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Remember when...

These things were considered cool.

What's even funnier, weren't these banned because they were dangerous? Yep, check out this NY Times story from 1990. Hilarious. To think, in a 9-year span, schools went from being worried about plastic bracelets to school shootings.


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Week 3 Picks

When you go 6 for 16 and find yourself one game out of last place in your pick’em pool, maybe the only purpose of writing a preview column is for people to laugh at you. Having people laugh at me didn’t stop me from getting married, and neither will this. Here’s a breakdown of some of this weeks key games.

San Francisco 49ers (+7.5) at Minnesota Vikings

Chris: Congrats to the 49ers for being this year’s Dolphins. I think the 49ers are tough enough to keep this game close. As a matter of fact, I think this game is boringly close, like 16-12 Vikings.

Graham: Last week I said San Francisco sucked. And you know what- they don’t. They’re not good, mind you, but they don’t suck. Sucking is John Mayer. The 49ers are more like Snow Patrol. Boring, inoffensive, nothing really noteworthy. That said, they can keep it close. Minnesota wins, but the Niners cover.

Green Bay Packers (-6.5) at St. Louis Rams

Chris: Thank God for the Packers schedule. They had the easiest road to 3-0, and yet, they’ll be 2-1. Fantasy points galore for Packers players.

Graham: I don’t want to talk about the packers right now, other than to say they’re going to cover. And if they don’t, I quit. Not just the blog, everything. Life. I swear.

Atlanta Falcons (+4.5) at New England Patriots

Chris: My initial instinct was to pick the Falcons. Then I remember that my instinct is retarded. The Falcons don’t play that well on the road, the Pats are coming off a loss and everyone is probably thinking Brady is done. It’s never good when someone is counting out the Pats. New England wins by double digits.

Graham: What was that about counting out the Pats? I’m game! They look terrible right now. This is my upset special of the week. Falcons win outright.

Tennessee Titans (+2.5) at New York Jets

Chris: Classic letdown game for the Jets. Plus, the Titans are the single fat girl at last call, desperate.

Graham: I have nothing to say. Titans.

Miami Dolphins (+5.5) at San Diego Chargers

Chris: The Dolphins showed some life on Monday even though they gave the game away during one of the worst 2-minute drills in the history of football. The Dolphins have more trouble scoring than the single fat girl before last call (that was my Geoff Calkins same joke twice in a post special). San Diego wins big.

Graham: Honest to God, how did the Dolphins lose that game? They let Indy have the ball for less than 15 minutes! The Colts’ defenders were sucking wind! Ted Ginn, you idiot, how did that ball slip through your hands. What a gut wrenching loss. You don’t recover from games like that one. San Diego walks, and Miami’s on their way to a 4-12 season.

Indianapolis Colts (+1.5) at Arizona Cardinals

Chris: Isn’t this the same Cardinals team that lost at home to the 49ers, and now, they’re going to beat the Colts? Anytime Indy is getting points, I’m picking them.

Graham: Listen- if Miami can completely dominate Indy, why can’t Arizona? I see a big game for the Cards. Arizona gets the nod.

Tax dollars at work

I wonder if the police commish was embarrassed at the cops playing the Wii, or their bowling score.


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Sunday afternoon ramblings

Is there anything dumber than praising a team for losing by 10? I just don’t get it. Tennessee had the perfect gameplan for keeping the game close by not taking any chances, but also the perfect gamplan for not winning the game. They were also one red zone Tebow fumble away from being down 30-6. Yeah, congrats Lane Kiffin, you win the Geoff Calkins “Coach Earned Respect” award. Not worth anything, however.

I was watching Rounders on Friday night and during a scene at a gentlemen’s club the song “I Hate Myself for Loving You,” by Joan Jett is playing. Most sports fans know this song now as the Sunday Night Football song by Faith Hill. So in the middle of Rounders I’ve got the lyrics, “I’ve been waiting all day for Sunday night….the NFL rocks on NBC…” repeating in my head, during Rounders. First off, NFL intro songs shouldn’t even exist as no football fan cares about this crap. But if stupid TV execs insist on remaking songs with NFL-themed lyrics then they need to make sure this song won’t ruin good movies. Can we have a committee for this? Seriously, if someone takes the theme from Braveheart and remakes it with Britney Spears for the Super Bowl, I just might go postal.

I’ve got TJ Houshmanzadeh on my fantasy team. Is Matt Hassleback getting injured a good thing or bad thing?

Norv Turner just elected to kick a field goal from the 6-yard-line on 3-and-Goal with 10 seconds left in the first half. Really Norv, you can’t just throw a fade route to one of your 6’4 receivers? This play wouldn’t take 5 seconds? How does Norv Turner have a job?

Cookies and cream ice cream is easily the best lazy Sunday dessert. I won’t even hear any other arguments.

Ed Hochuli made the following call today: “False start by the entire offensive line.” It almost made the Packers-Bengals game worth watching.

You know what is very underrated: the cold pint glass. I’ve been keeping a few in my freezer recently and it takes my beer to the next level. Why isn’t this done more often? Here’s the glass I’ve been rocking. It cost $6. Purchase this now, or whatever your favorite brew is.

Tom Brady looks mentally broken. I love it. I bet Bridget Moynahan sends Bernard Pollard thank you notes and gifts every week.

Why does Jay Cutler always look hungover? Seriously, he looks like this at all times.

And I had no idea that the most famous Jay Cutler was a body builder. Type Jay Cutler into google images.

I’m playing the same guy in both my fantasy football games. He got a big fat 0 out of Greg Jennings in both. What are the chances of that happening? 1 in million? I wish there was a numbers genius that posted odds of things happening before and after Sunday. Wouldn’t you feel better if the numbers guy posted on Monday that your heartbreaking loss in fantasy football had a once-in-a-lifetime chance of happening, sorta like seeing an asteroid hit Mars or something. I know this would help me deal with fantasy flukes. I need help.

Who watches "The Mentalist"? I don’t know one person. Who is the target audience? Some shows I don’t watch but understand how they are popular with other audiences, like, you know, "Jon and Kate Plus 8" with women. But "The Mentalist"? I have no idea who would want to watch this show. Slow people I guess.

Why aren’t tater tots more popular? And why aren’t there cheese-stuffed tots?

I love people who change their last name pronunciation. For instance, it’s not Willie Colon, it’s pronounced “cologne.” We all know it’s colon buddy. You aren’t fooling anyone. If you’re going to lie about the pronunciation, you might as well just change the whole damn name and be done with it. Or give yourself a cool nickname, like, “Willie the Colon Cleanser” and say things like “I hit people so hard they crap themselves.” Yep, this is how I spend my creative energy.


Week 2's 11 Things I Think I Think

1: I think the Green Bay Packers are in trouble. Their offensive line has more leaks than the guys in the Flomax commercials. Aaron Rodgers can’t get set in the pocket and they can’t open up the running game. Problem is, how do you fix an offensive line two weeks into the season? You can’t bring in new guys, they’d take weeks to learn schemes, play calls, etc. They’re stuck with what they have. And I’m legitimately worried for Rodgers’ health when they take on Jared Allen and the Vikings this season.

2: Speaking of Green Bay, I think Dom Capers and the rest of the Packers’ defensive coaches need to be told there’s such a thing as the screen pass, and they might want to come up with ways of defending it. All Carson Palmer had to do was find his receivers in the flat and it was an automatic first down.

Oh, and there’s a thing called a running game. Try to stop it. Cedric Benson should not be carving you up like that.

3: I think I couldn’t possibly be more bitter about the Packers. This is the easy part of their schedule. It only gets worse from here.

4: Speaking of crappy running games, Steve Slaton ladies and gentlemen! I think that’s two straight stinkbombs for my #1 back. If it weren’t for Drew Brees and Tony Gonzalez, I might not score any fantasy points. Picking last in a 14-team league sucks.

5: I think I’m wondering what will get the lower television ratings- the Oakland-Kansas City game, or Monday’s premiere of Accidentally on Purpose? Actually, what am I talking about, terrible CBS comedies always seem to find their audience- Two and a Half Men, Rules of Engagement, New Adventures of Old Christine. Thank God for How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory.

6: I think I hate to admit that the Peyton Manning-Justin Timberlake commercials crack me up. I think I also hate to admit that Justin Timberlake is consistently funny when he’s on SNL. But he still sucks.

7: I think Chris Johnson is Tennessee’s best receiver.

8: I think Chris might be right about JaMarcus Russell being the worst number overall pick of all-time. Even Kwame Brown is embarrassed for him.

9: I think I wonder if the NFL Network’s Red Zone Channel anchor has a bucket under his desk he just pees into. I mean, the guy has to sit there all day since the red zone opportunities never end. How does he do it? Does he not consume any liquids for 12 hours? I probably peed 13 times in the morning games alone.

10: I think I’m incredulous that my fantasy opponent got late touchdowns from both Reggie Bush and Darren McFadden. I was really, really lucky to win this week. But hey, 2-0!

11: I think I won’t be doing 11 Things I Think I Think next week because of work commitments. Be strong.

Friday, September 18, 2009

NFL Week 2 Preview (Part 2)

In case you missed part I, you can read it here.

Seattle Seahawks (+1.5) at San Francisco 49ers

Chris: The winner of this game has the inside track on the division. They should be 2 games up on Arizona and St. Louis and a game up on their loser of this game. I don’t know what to make of either of these teams. Seattle looked good but they always do at home and they were playing the Rams. Meanwhile, San Fran didn’t win so much as Arizona lost. Ugh…Seattle.

Graham: Uh, do people not remember that the 49ers suck? Seriously. Shaun Hill is their quarterback. Frank Gore had something like 30 yards on 20 carries last week (I’m too lazy to look up the exact figure). Yes, they beat the defending NFC champs, but still. They suck. Seattle.

Tampa Bay Bucs (+4.5) at Buffalo Bills

Chris: Who in the hell would watch this game? There are maybe, MAYBE, three relevant fantasy players in this game. There is no storyline. Neither team is interesting. They might as well simulate this game on Madden and save everyone some time. I’ll take the Bucs and the points.

Graham: When I wrote the preview for the Oakland-Kansas City game, I used the “Who would ever watch this game” meme, not having read through Chris’ preview and seeing this. Since that got posted yesterday, this writeup from Chris is obsolete. Does that count as a pwn? I’m not cool enough to know. Anyway, a pick…Buffalo.

Chris: Considering I wrote everything before you did anything, then no, you didn’t “pwn” me.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-2.5) at Chicago Bears

Chris: I love the fact that Jay Cutler is 3,275 times better than Kyle Orton but thanks to one of the flukiest plays in recent history, Orton got a win last week while Cutler wet himself repeatedly in his Bears debut. I think Cutler plays a lot better but the Bears still lose by a field goal.

Graham: In the first half against Green Bay last week, Cutler and his receivers were more out of synch than Kanye West and Taylor Swift (oh, snap!). It was a joy to watch. Sure, he was a lot better in the second half, but even without Troy Polamalu, I have to believe Pittsburgh’s defense isn’t exactly the antidote to Chicago’s offensive problems. Steelers get the call.

Cleveland Browns (+3.5) at Denver Broncos

Chris: Did the NFL just decide to pit every crappy team against each other this week? Seriously, Browns-Broncos? I’d rather learn how to perform a circumcision than watch this game. Speaking of circumcision, is that one of the top 5 scariest words to type into google images? Name some more for more please. Oh yeah, I’ll take the Broncos.

Graham: You did it, didn’t you, Chris? You typed circumcision into Google Image just to see what would happen. I know you did. Admit it! Denver’s the pick.

Baltimore Ravens (+4.5) at San Diego Chargers

Chris: Ray Lewis is the scariest guy in the NFL. He’s been the scariest guy in the NFL for the last 12 years or so. How does that happen? Charles Oakley was the same way in the NBA for the duration of the ‘90s. I’m ready for a new scary NFL player. I’ll take the Ravens.

Graham: You want a new scary player? Try Jonathan Stewart as a starting RB in fantasy. That, my friend, is scary. Anyway, I’m going with Baltimore.

New York Giants (+2.5) at Dallas Cowboys

Chris: I hate how I’m supposed to care about this game. I still think the NFC East is boring. I’ll take the Cowboys. They’re trying to stick it to TO.

Graham: I was just saying last week how boring the NFC East is- thief! You’re the Mentalist to my Psych! I’m taking Dallas.

Indianapolis Colts (-3.5) at Miami Dolphins

Chris: Every year there’s one team that shocks you and wins a bunch of games thanks to a slight upgrade and a terrible schedule. That was the Dolphins last year. This year, they didn’t upgrade and they don’t have the terrible schedule. I predicted they’d be 8-8 but I’m thinking 6-10 is probably more accurate. The Colts win this by 2 TDs. Suck.

Graham: Hey, so how’s that Wildcat offense working out for you, Miami? Indy.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

NFL Week 2 Preview (Part 1)

I’m pretty embarrassed with my performance picking NFL games last week, only getting 8 out of 16 games right. But, Graham only did one better, getting 9 right, so I’m still right there. It’s good to know my bad weeks are close to Graham’s good weeks.

It’s time for the week 2 preview.

Carolina Panthers (-6.5) at Atlanta Falcons

Chris: WTF Jake Delhomme. Sure, you sucked in the playoffs last year, but it’s not like you’ve been that bad for your career. I mean, he’s tossed 115 TDs vs. 80 INT for his career. He’s no Joe Montana, but hell, he’s not Cade McNown either. He’s like a pitcher that loses control and never gets it back. He’s off the tracks and this ship won’t right. Atlanta wins. Thank God I don’t play against the Falcons D in fantasy this week.

Graham: Before the start of the season I might have considered this game a toss-up. Now I have Atlanta as my eliminator pick this week. So Jake Delhomme, I’m counting on another 4 picks from you this weekend. Thanks in advance.

Minnesota Vikings (-9.5) at Detroit Lions

Chris: I know the Lions got destroyed by Drew Brees last week, but hell, who doesn’t? If I’ve got to pick one shocking outcome this week, it’s this one. I think the Lions surprise some people and only lose by a touchdown.

Graham: Clearly, Chris didn’t watch much of the Lions game last week. I’m not prepared to take a team coming off a winless season and now starting a rookie quarterback, with a coach who may or may not be on Prozac. And just how, exactly, are the Lions stopping Adrian Peterson? He’s going for 160+ this week and 3 touchdowns. Minnesota gets the nod.

Cincinnati Bengals (+9.5) at Green Bay Packers

Chris: Did I really pick the Bengals to cover last week? I mean, I didn’t pick the Bengals to just win, rather, I picked them to win by 5 points. What crack was I smoking? I’m going with the Packers. I hope they score about 3,000 points.

Graham: I can’t handle too many more Packers games like Sunday’s vomit-inducing affair against Chicago. So I say the Packers win this one by two touchdowns.

Houston Texans (+7.5) at Tennessee Titans

Chris: I don’t see a Jeff Fisher team losing their home opener after 9 days rest coming off a loss. I think the Texans lose 20-7 and every Andre Johnson and Steve Slaton fantasy enter, “Oh crap, the Texans suck” mode.

Graham: As a Steve Slaton fantasy owner, I’m already in “Oh crap, the Texans suck” mode. Oh, and he’s my #1 back. Good times. Tennessee’s the pick.

Oakland Raiders (+3.5) at Kansas City Chiefs

Chris: Neither of these teams appeared that crappy last week. I wish people gave me compliments like that. “Hey Chris, I like that shirt. I saw a guy wearing it on “To Catch a Predator” last week. Kansas City, I guess.

Graham: There’s a good chance that not a single person in America outside of Oakland and Kansas City will watch this game. Hell, people in Oakland and Kansas City might now watch this game. Two crappy teams and few players of consequence in fantasy isn’t a recipe for a ratings bonanza. I bet the announcers who get assigned to this game take it as a wake-up call, and start rethinking their careers. Could there be a worse NFL assignment than this game? Anyway, if I have to make a pick, it’s Kansas City.

New England Patriots (-5.5) at NY Jets

Chris: Leave it up to the Bills to giftwrap a f-ing win to the Pats at the last minute. I think it takes some more time to get the Pats mojo back, unless they take cialis. This Jets team and Rex Ryan look mean. I’ll take the Jets and feel dumb on Monday when Brady throws 5 TDs.

Graham: Of course Fumble McWhatshisname was going to cough up that ball and give a win to the Patriots. Does any other team get more breaks than New England (Well, apart from their starting quarterback shredding his knee in last year’s season opener. And a key linebacker suffering a stroke.). But I’m with Chris. New England wasn’t impressive at all, at least in the 10 minutes I watched since the game started at 4 p.m. Pacific time. I’m going with the Jets too. Just shoot me.

New Orleans Saints (+1.5) at Philadelphia Eagles

Chris: I didn’t anticipate Donovan McNabb getting injured until game 4. Way to shock me Donovan. Do you think Donovan and Jeff Garcia hang out and bitch about their past with TO while eating chunky soup? I bet they do. What does Kevin Kolb do now that he’s 4th on the Eagles QB depth chart? I wish I could get paid for being 4th in line to do actual work. I’m picking the Saints.

Graham: Drew Brees vs. Jeff Garcia. Hmm…Drew Brees. Saints get the pick.

St. Louis Rams (+10.5) at Washington Redskins

Chris: The Rams looked atrocious last week at the Seahawks, and yet, they were one dumb penalty away from going into the locker room at halftime tied. Then again, I’m not dumb enough to pick the Rams until they prove otherwise. I’ll take the Redskins even though I’m unsure if a Jason Campbell offense can score 2 TDs.

Graham: I took a long, hard look at this game. I hate the Rams. They’re terrible. But you know what else is terrible? The feeling you get picking a Jason Campbell-led team to cover a double figure spread. I imagine making that pick is akin to awaiting the results of an HIV test. I just compared Jason Campbell to HIV. This is going bad fast. I hate this game. I don’t know what to do. Screw it, Jason Campbell, HIV and the Redskins it is.

Arizona Cardinals (+3.5) at Jacksonville Jaguars

Chris: Don’t West Coast teams always crap the bed when they have to play early games on the East Coast? I’m picking Jacksonville.

Graham: Another tough pick. You know what else is a tough pick- tonight at 9 p.m. when The Office and Fringe season premieres go head-to-head. I’m seriously leaning toward Fringe. With The Office…that documentary they’ve been shooting all these years- will it ever actually air? Seriously, it must be like a Ken Burns film or something. My God. Anyway, I guess I’m taking Arizona. I guess.

Chris: I have been thinking the same thing about The Office documentary film. I’m hoping that the series finale is actually the documentary footage used with a voiceover and whatnot, you know, like a real documentary.

Part 2 will be posted tomororw.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Remember when...

This is a new theme that I might or might not continue to do based upon whether I remember to do it and whether or not I'm motivated when I do remember. It's called, "Remember when."

Remember when SNL was funny.


Friday, September 11, 2009

NFL Kickoff Preview (Part 2)

Here's Part II of the RTS NFL preview. (Click here for Part I if you missed it).

Kansas City Chiefs at Baltimore Ravens (-8.5)

Chris: I can’t decide if Kansas City is one of those crappy teams or a middle of the road team. Sorta like how I can’t decide if I like Sour Cream n’ Onion Pringles or BBQ Baked Lays better. I suppose it doesn’t matter since the Baltimore Ravens are Cheetos. If you can’t translate that, fine, I’ll spell it out for you. The Cheetos by 17 points. (Random side note. I just googled “Cheetos” to make sure I spelled it right and this picture popped up. And those aren’t Cheetos, those are cheese puffs. Stupid google.)

Graham: Let me answer that one for you: they’re crappy. Baltimore’s the pick.

NY Jets at Houston Texans (-4.5)

Chris: Here’s a few more of my NFL predictions. I don’t think the Jets will be that bad. I think the team wants to win some games with a rookie QB just to stick it to Brett Favre. I also think Mark Sanchez is going to be good. I think Rex Ryan and the defense is going win them some games. Is it possible for Brett Favre to have a positive impact on two teams this year (the Packers and Jets both wanting to stick it to Favre) while he’s actually causing the team he’s on to implode. Some numbers guy needs to come up with a formula for this and we’ll call it “the Favre.” It’s when your existence hurts the people around you and helps your enemies. Let’s try it out. “Yesterday, I was out with friends having a few beers. It was going well, until I had a few jagerbombs and Favre’d the rest of the night away. I called my friend’s girlfriend a whore, started a fight with 3 MMA dudes and walked out on my tab. And, I just found out, a guy that I hated in high school ended up leaving with my date because I embarrassed her so badly.”

Graham: If the Jets were a TV show, they’d be Battlestar Galactica. Surprisingly passionate fanbase, some critical acclaim, but little mainstream recognition. And in both cases, I missed the boat and hear about how great they are, except never really get around to checking them out. What does this have to do with anything? Probably nothing, other than that I’m picking them this week.

Washington Redskins at NY Giants (-6.5)

Chris: I know I put the Giants in my “legitimate contenders” list but I’m not sold on them. They have a really good chance of going 9-7. Their QB is shaky (sorry, it’s true), their WRs aren’t so much unproven as they’ve proven they’re mediocre (follow that?) and their defense is good, but not Pittsburgh and Baltimore level dominant. So, uh, yeah, if they’re a contender, it’s simply by default because I still think the NFC is weak. The Giants win this game 17-13 in a snoozefest.

Graham: I’m glad Chris referred to this game as a snooze fest. I grew with Pat Summerall and John Madden creaming themselves over the NFC East “battles”. But you watch the games, and they generally consist of handoffs to fullbacks and screen passes. Feel the excitement! If Pat Summerall were still alive he’d disagree, but…wait, Pat Summerall is still alive? And calling games? My…God. Anyway, I don’t particularly like the Giants, but since Washington coach Jim Zorn referred to himself last year as the dumbest coach in the world (or something to that effect), I don’t particularly want to disagree. NY, I guess.

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals (-6.5)

Chris: If your QB is Shaun Hill, I can’t rightfully pick your team. I could see every team in the NFC West going ending up 7-9, 8-8 or 9-7. That division sucks. Except for TJ Housamazalli. I expect greatness from him.

Graham: The pick is Arizona. But I want to talk for a second about Michael Crabtree. So he goes lower in the draft than expected, but holds out and demands to be paid like he was taken higher? You can do that? I wish I’d known that in my bar-going days. I’d hit on a woman out of league (read: any woman), get rejected, and walk away. But under Michael Crabtree’s line of thinking, I should just be waiting in her car to go home with her since I clearly deserve better than what I was being offered. Wait, did I just say I should stalk women? Has any analogy gone off the rails faster than that one? Let’s just move on.

St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks (-7.5)

Chris: I just said the entire NFC West sucks, and yet I’m about to pick the Rams here because I don’t think they’ll suck as bad as you expect. Injuries killed both of these teams last year. I just don’t see it happening to them two years in a row. I think this game ends up 31-24, Seahawks, which means the Rams cover.

Graham: If you had said St. Louis would score 31 points in the season, I’d be willing to listen. But not in a game. No way. I hate Seattle, but I hate St. Louis more. Seattle’s the pick.

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers (-3.5)

Chris: Here’s hoping my Favre equation proves correct. If so, the Packers come out of the gate strong against a division foe. The Packers by a TD. BTW, the over/under on Cutler yelling at his receivers is 3.5 passes. I’m taking the under.

Graham: I’m a Packers fan, so yeah, I’m taking Green Bay. After their dominating preseason, I’m about ready to call my second child “Aaron”. If we ever do have another child (God forbid), then “Aaron” moves ahead of other possible names, including “Ichiro”, “Pavel” and “Weird Al”.

Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots (-10.5)

Chris: Brady’s first game back reminds me of Marino’s return from his torn Achilles when he tossed for 5 TDs and 400+ yards in a win over the Pats. See the symmetry here? I’m picking Brady to throw for about 600 years and 7 TDs, you know, unless he goes out in the first 10 minutes of the season again, which would be sweet. Normally I don’t cheer for the Pats, but this will be game 1 of the “TO is just a sideshow cancer with no football skills left whatsoever” era. So that’s nice.

Graham: Basic rule of thumb: when a team fires their offensive coordinator a week before the season starts, probably not a good idea to pick them to overcome a double digit point spread on the road against a team that could win the Super Bowl. Just sayin’.

San Diego Chargers (-6.5) at Oakland Raiders

Chris: I bet the Chargers defense and Shawne Merriman suffocate the Raiders. Too soon? I don’t pick the Raiders until further notice.

Graham: I don’t know if an athlete has ever won a PR battle by holding out. That will end with Richard Seymour. When Bill Belichick told him he’d been traded to Oakland, I’m sure he started sobbing uncontrollably with Belichick repeating, “It’s not your fault Richard, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault.” San Diego.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

NFL Kickoff Preview (Part 1)

Last week I spent a lot of time watching college football since the NFL wasn’t on yet. It was a nice appetizer, but c’mon everybody, the NFL is the entrée.

We’ve got 15 people in our Pro Football Pick’em and each week Graham and I will be previewing a few games that we differ on.

But it’s the first week, we can’t preview just a few. We have to do it big, whatever that means. Without further ado, the RTS mega week 1 NFL preview.

Tennessee Titans at Pittsburgh Steelers (-5.5)

Chris: Was last year’s Titans the most pathetic 13-3 team in the history of the NFL? How does a team win 13 games with Kerry Collins at QB and no legitimate WR? Chris Johnson and the defense carried the Titans last year, and with Haynesworth gone, I don’t see this happening again. The Titans scream 8-8 to me. This will be one of the losses, and I have them going down by a touchdown or more.

Graham: Here’s where Chris and I differ: I think the Titans can have another big year. You see, no one played out of their minds last year. It’s not like Kerry Collins had 4,000 yards and 25 TDs, in fact his stats were rather pedestrian: 58.3% completion percentage, 2,676 yards and 12 touchdowns. I mean, there’s no comedown here. He was adequate, and the Titans won 13 games, so why can’t they win 11 or 12 again this year? Yes, losing Haynesworth hurt, but the Titans defense always loses players, and they always recover. That said, Pittsburgh gets the nod this week.

Miami Dolphins at Atlanta Falcons (-4.5)

Chris: Both of these teams benefited from the easy schedule last year to turn things around. They won’t get that same luxury this year. I could see both these teams hovering around .500 all year. I say that with love since I’m a Dolphins fan. Atlanta doesn’t have the defense, and Miami struggles against top-notch teams. This game seems like a tossup, so I’m taking Miami and the points.

Graham: Follow this logic… “Atlanta doesn’t have the defense, and Miami struggles against top-notch teams.” Most people would argue that not having a defense doesn’t make you a top-notch team. So why would Miami struggle against Atlanta? Bizarre logic. I like Atlanta though, and I think Matt Ryan and Tony Gonzalez are going to be a better couple than Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly. At least they better be, since I have Gonzalez on my fantasy team. I like the Falcons.

Denver Broncos at Cincinnati Bengals (-3.5)

Chris: I hate, hate, hate the Broncos this year. How much do I hate them? I’m picking them to lose to the Bengals by at least a touchdown. Ouch.

Graham: Ugh, who cares. Denver, I guess.

Minnesota Vikings (-3.5) at Cleveland Browns

Chris: Brett Favre vs. Derek Anderson. Ugh. Is Anderson even the starter in Cleveland, or is it Brady Quinn? I couldn’t even tell you, as I’ve read more Tila Tequila NFL stories this preseason than Browns previews. That doesn’t bode well for Cleveland, or Tila, or Shawne Merriman, or the Chargers, or me. I can’t rightfully pick the Browns. Let’s move on.

Graham: I want to pick Cleveland out of spite towards Brett Favre, but I can’t. Cleveland is awful. Hey, remember last year when everyone had them as a 10-win team and a dark horse contender? Remember how they were on national tv, like, 14 times? Can we all just pretend that didn’t happen? Minnesota by double digits.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts (-6.5)

Chris: Considering I got Peyton Manning as my fantasy quarterback, I don’t really care who wins the game as long as the Colts score in the 30s. Plus, I’m going against MJD, so uh, crap, am I talking about fantasy football already? Sorry for the tangent, I couldn’t help myself. Anyway, these divisional games always seem to go down to the wire. I’m thinking Indy wins by a field goal, which means my pick in the Jags. Make sense?

Graham: I don’t love the Colts this year. New coach, new coordinator, no wideout who seems a sure thing as Reggie Wayne’s number 2. I’m with Chris, Indy by a field goal.

Detroit Lions at New Orleans Saints (-11.5)

Chris: How in the hell can I pick an 0-16 team? I can’t. Since that’s what everyone else is thinking, it’s time for a quick tangent. The other night some friends and I were playing a board game called “Imagine If.” The premise isn’t vital to the story. Anyway, the question that was posed was, “Imagine if Dave was his dream job. What would he be: a) doctor b) painter c) video game tester d) athlete e) lawyer.” Now, Dave is a “gamer.” He probably has attended a few LAN parties in his day. Everyone playing "Imagine If", including his wife, turned over their card and showed that they picked “c) video game tester.” Everyone, except Dave that is. He picked painter. It was the highest of high-comedy. I’m giving Dave some water colors and an easel for his birthday. Dave the painter.

Graham: This line could be New Orleans (-27.5), and I’d still take the Saints. The bigger question is, when will the Lions win again? Or, perhaps more accurately, can they win again? Looking at their schedule, they have five teams they could conceivably compete against: Washington, St. Louis, Cleveland, Cincinnati and San Francisco. I mean, they’ll win one of those, won’t they? Honestly, I’m hoping they don’t. 0-16 was just too much fun last year. Why be another crappy 2-14 team when you can be a historic 0-16 team?

Dallas Cowboys (-3.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs

Chris: You know how I said I hate the Broncos this year? I feel the same way about the Bucs. I think there are about 8 legitimate contenders this year (Indy, New England, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Philadelphia, Baltimore, NY Giants and one team will rise up from the Dallas/Green Bay/Carolina/Arizona bunch), about 18 middle of the road teams (Atlanta, Miami, etc.) and then about 6 disasters waiting to happen. Tampa Bay and Denver are two of those teams. I’m going with Dallas by two touchdowns, at least.

Graham: Here’s a sign you won’t be a good team: when I can’t name your starting quarterback, as is the case this year with Tampa. Honestly, I watch a lot of football, I consider myself to be pretty knowledgeable, yet I’m sitting here drawing a blank on Tampa’s starting QB. I know it’s not Chris Simms. Pretty sure it’s not Bruce Gradkowski or whatever. I’m almost positive it’s not Vinny Testaverde, but I won’t rule it out. I had to go online and find out it’s Byron Leftwich. So he left one inconsequential Florida team to go to another. Impressive. By the way, I’m taking Dallas.

Philadelphia Eagles at Carolina Panthers (-0.5)

Chris: Would I rather have a crappy quarterback, stellar running game and good defense, or a good quarterback, crappy WRs and a good defense? Uh, I don’t know. I’m going with Carolina since I’m a DeAngelo Williams fan, and the game is at Carolina. That, and I don’t like Donovan McNabb’s mom.

Graham: Let’s travel back in time to January, and Jake Delhomme’s last performance, in a playoff game against Arizona: five interceptions, and a lost fumble. So, until further notice, I won’t be taking Carolina in too many pick ‘ems. Philly.

Stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow.

Friday, September 4, 2009

YouTube Friday

I think they might've shown clips of this kid on The Soup. Either way, I feel like he's a kindred spirit. I'd react the exact same way if someone threw away my cheese.