Monday, August 31, 2009

I can't quit you, Survivor

As I mentioned last week, I’ve seen a lot of movies. I continue to watch my fair share (thanks to Netflix). I watch a decent amount of bad movies to, just to pass the time I suppose.

Last weekend was no different. With nothing better to do, I watched Paul Blart. I’m not proud of this, but watching the movie did one thing for me. It made me aware of another awesome Survivor song, “I Can’t Hold Back.”

Since I liked the song so much in the movie, I had to watch the video on YouTube.

Here’s my running diary of the video.

First off, we got some guys checking of some magazines. One of the guys is wearing serial killer style glasses and tops off the look with a nice mullet. The video can only go down from here.

But one loner is off by himself, pretending to look at a book although he’s really scooping out a chick at the store. I wonder if they’ll hit it off in the next 4 minutes.

The dude creepily stares at the girl while she pretends to read an Elvis book. The dude continues to stare and she likes it. Has this ever worked in real life? Only if you are a member of Survivor.

The girl is magically transformed from the store to a Survivor concert. Dreams do come true!

Just so we’re clear, the lead singer of Survivor is wearing red leather pants, a tight red tank top and a black leather jacket. I can’t even comment on this. The awesomeness overtook me.

The girl randomly dances in the front row of the concert while Survivor continues to lay down one of the best tracks of all time. I guess Survivor fans are okay with this girl taking up half of the first three rows to dance by herself. Personally, I would’ve tackled the girl for getting in between me and Survivor, but I’m not that classy.

After the rockin’ guitar solo, Survivor heads to the mellow part of the song, and, what’s this, we’re back at the store! This lasts for all of 8 seconds, because Suvivor isn’t mellow, they’re red-blooded American rockers.

The lead signer and the dancing girl are now on a subway. Make any sense? Of course not! Does anyone care? Of course not!

Mullet serial killer guy is getting hit on by 2 girls on the subway while a male nun watches on. Is this entire video just an LSD flashback or something? Is an elephant about to crush the subway car and poop out milkshakes?

The lead singer and the girl kiss, although I’m pretty sure they haven’t even talked to each other yet.

The 2:49 mark is the moment that sends it over the top. Whenever you got a sunglasses wearing male giving you the thumbs up on the subway, your life is complete.

Awesome concert scene. Making out on subway. Awesome concert scene. Making out on subway. Repeat another 3 times.

And we’re back in the store from the opening scene. The other members of Survivor drag the lead singer away from the store…and the girl, and then she ends up getting away. The lead singer just shrugs it off like the ending of a Mentos commercial.

I love the ‘80s.

By the way, how in the hell does this video have over 359,000 views?


Thursday, August 27, 2009

Let's talk about my fantasy

I had my fantasy football draft last week and I won’t go into the gory details. Talking about your own fantasy team is like talking about your child. You care way more about it than anyone else. Yes, I just compared having children to a fantasy football team. And no, I don’t have kids. And yes, this is probably one of the reasons why.

Regardless, I want to go on record with my fantasy likes and dislikes before the season starts.

I’m not going to talk about any player drafted in the first 2 rounds that I like. That’s just lame. However, starting with round 3 players on, here’s the guys I think are due for a big year.

Roddy White
I tried to avoid the obvious about White for the past two years, but I can’t anymore. He’s the number 1 receiver on a top offense. I’m a big fan of drafting guys from good offenses.

Greg Jennings, Ryan Grant
Number 1 receiver and a RB without a timeshare on a top offense. It’s just that easy, right? Plus, they get the play the Lions twice.

Pierre Thomas, Marques Colston
After years of a mancrush on Reggie Bush, I’ve finally given up. I didn’t stray far. As for Colston, as long as he stays healthy, he’s money.

Larry Johnson, Cedric Benson, Jamal Lewis

The way the NFL goes these days, it’s hard to find RBs that aren’t in a timeshare. Carries, and goaline carries, are the name of the game. These guys are going to get them and as long as you don’t draft them as anything more than your 3rd RB, you should be fine.

Jerricho Cotchery
I can’t go against anyone named Jerricho. I don’t think the Jets offense will be that bad, actually.

Donald Brown, LeSean McCoy

I don’t think Joseph Addai and Brian Westbrook stay healthy.

Derrick Mason
Always gets drafted too late.

Donnie Avery
My sleeper WR of the year, which is the kiss of death. The last two somewhat unproven WRs that I counted on like this were Lee Evans (disaster) and Braylon Edwards (Katrina-level disaster).

But it's not all about love when it comes to fantasy. Half of the players I listed above probably won't pan out, thanks to injuries or what not. However, here's a list I'm much more confident about. It's the "Players I Refuse to Draft" list.

Reggie Bush
See Thomas, Pierre.

A past his prime prima donna WR who suffers from the dropsies. No thanks.

Brandon Marshall
A total nutcase with Kyle Orton throwing to him. I haven’t seen a combination that bad since Michael Jackson performed at an elementary school.

Thomas Jones

An over-30 mediocre running back who complained in the offseason in the midst of a coaching change, and you can have him in the first 3 rounds!

Kurt Warner
Can I wager on him missing 4+ games?

Braylon Edwards

I don’t care if Braylon Edwards scores 18 TDs in week 1 and he’s on the waiver wire staring at me. He’ll never be on my fantasy team again. As a matter of fact, if I ever met him, I’d have no problem kicking him in the shin.

Any Tampa Bay Buc
That offense looks destined to be crappy, sorta like my firstborn.

Kyle Orton
Why is he going to be good all of a sudden? I just don’t understand how a crappy QB instantly becomes good and fantasy worthy just cause he got traded to Denver?

My head wants to explode every time I see someone draft a kicker before the last round. First off, kickers are fickle. Did you really know John Carney was going to be the 3rd kicker last year and Nate Kaeding would be 14th? Second, in a 12 team league, the difference between the top kicker last year and the 12th kicker was the matter of 1.5 points per week. So, unless you end up losing games by 1 point (and your kicker is outscored that week), it’s a wash. Wouldn’t you rather just draft position players and sleepers for 15 rounds and just grab a kicker in the last round? Isn’t that worth more than the 1.5 points you could end up losing?


Wednesday, August 26, 2009

My new basketball defenseive strategy

Playing pickup basketball gives me NBA theories sometimes. Today, I thought about how if someone lets out a dastardly fart in the paint that lingers, people usually laugh and stay away. The team with the ball usually shoots jumpers until the smell subsides.

Thus, the smelly fart in the paint can be a legitimate defense, although no one really gives it the proper credit. However, if NBA teams ever tried to use this defensive strategy, here’s the players I think that would be able to execute the fart defense the best.

Without further ado, my all-fart defensive team.

Eddy Curry

Sometimes, size does matter. I mean, Curry just has too much to work with in this area. That’s the first time anyone has ever written a sentence with the word Curry and work in it.

Power Forward
Kevin Love

Love looks like the humorous farter, the guy that would rip one as loud as possible, immediately start laughing while everyone put their shirt over their mouth, and then tweet, “just let a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich fart in the paint. could be aftershocks on the next possession.”

Small Forward
Matt Harping

Harpring looks like the mean jock that would hold underclassmen down and fart on their face in gym class. Not that this ever happened to me. Let’s move on.

Shooting Guard
Nate Robinson

Sometimes the worst farts are the ones that you don’t hear. Nate looks like he’s the type of guy that would sneak into the paint, rip one right next to Tim Duncan and then run off before anyone is the wiser. I like to think Nate would be proud to be accused of this, as well. Plus, he could use the moniker “Nasty Nate.”

Point Guard
Baron Davis

A shoot-first point guard with no conscience for teammates. He probably hides some cheese in his monster beard and eats some each time on defense. Then again, I’m not sure Baron Davis would even play fart defense. It might be too much effort. He might fart in the paint on offense just so he could secure a few more shots.


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Way to go ABC News!

I saw the following headline yesterday and had to click on it: "Bill Downgraded To A Tropical Storm After Child Dies From Rogue Wave"

It makes it sound like the child dieing in the rogue wave caused Hurricane Bill to be downgraded to a tropical storm. The two items in the headline have nothing to do with each other. Using this logic, here's my headline:

"Fantasy football team looking to dominate after owner ate steak last night."

Also, what the hell is a rogue wave? Aren't all waves "rogue?" I mean, is there a set standard for waves and this wave broke away from that?

Lastly, if you read the story, a man took his 7-year-old and 12-year-old to watch the waves and then got hit with one and swept into the ocean. You got 2 kids with you, shouldn't you be as far away from "rogue waves" as possible?


Monday, August 24, 2009

RTS recommends....not seeing Inglorious Bastards

I like movies. I like going to the movies. I worked at a video store or movie theater for 7 years combined, for God’s sake. But I think maybe I’ve seen too many movies because half of the movies I see now, I hate. Not apathy, not dislike, f-ing hate.

Inglorious Bastards is on the hate list. What’s even worse about this movie is that I know there aren’t going to be a lot of people that agree with me. Everyone’s going to say, “it was cool….it was funny….blah blah blah.” It’ll probably rival Scarface on my list of movies that are criminally overrated.

First, watch the trailer and then we’ll discuss.

Okay, it looks good, right? It looks like a Quinten Tarantino-Brad Pitt Nazi-killing bloody-as-hell violent fun action movie, does it not?

Well, calling this a Brad Pitt movie is a stretch. Out of the 150 minutes of the film (yes, 2.5 hours!), Brad Pitt is on screen maybe half of it. Talk about misleading. Then, other than the “we’re gonna kill some Nazis” and forest interrogation scenes from the trailer, the action and fun is few and far between.

Seriously, I implore you, save yourself the $10 and 2 and a half hours. I wouldn’t tell you wrong. Then again, I’m going to use this movie as a litmus test to determine whether people are stupid not, so maybe you should see it just so I can figure out if you have a brain.


Friday, August 21, 2009

YouTube Friday

I'm 28 and still find things like this hilarious. Will I ever reach an age when this isn't funny? I hope not.


Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Leave on a high note

Read this story and then we’ll discuss:

Okay, so, uh, they’ve decided to try and figure out if this person that is competing is a man or a woman.

“IAAF spokesman Nick Davies said the "extremely complex, difficult" test has been started but that the results were not expected for weeks.”

Since when is determining if someone is a man or a woman an extremely complex, difficult test?

Don’t they just have to go under the hood and see how many pistons there are?

Thank you, thank you very much. I’ll be here all week.


Thursday, August 13, 2009

Shadiest Man Alive

Obviously I’m a little late jumping on the Rick Pitino story, but I still had to comment. If you aren’t familiar, read this link.

Now, I’m sure you think I’m going to jump on Pitino, but plenty have already done that (pun intended). I just want to officially nominate Louisville strength coach Tim Sypher as a candidate for the Shadiest Man Alive.

Here’s why:

So your Tim Sypher and you work for one of the most famous college basketball coaches in America. The coach calls you up and says, “Hey Tim, I need a favor. I need to meet at your place to tie up a few loose ends with that woman from a few weeks ago. Is it cool if we meet at your place?”

I suppose Sypher said yes to this since it’s his boss and all and he might’ve be scared of being fired, although I have a hard time believing if Sypher said no that Pitino would do anything other than say, “Uh, yeah, you’re right. This call didn’t take place.”

So Pitino and his fling make their arrangement and go on their way. I suppose most people in Sypher’s situation would probably just go, “Uh, that just happened. I want to get as far away from this as possible.” What does Sypher do? He marries this woman within 6 months. Seriously? How does that happen? She just had an affair with your boss and already has 4 kids and you are thinking to yourself, “I’m going to marry this woman.”

Then, to make it even better, when your wife tries to extort your boss, you help her out. What the hell is that? And now you and the woman are in the process of getting a divorce. I never saw that coming.

Congratulations Tim Sypher, Louisville strength coach, you just might be the Shadiest Man Alive.


Scaring people is funny

I promise we're still alive at RTS, just have nothing to rant about. Here's two classic videos to keep you entertained.


Wednesday, August 5, 2009

How long must I sing this song?

Sometimes people make statements to offend people, to instigate, just for the hell of it. For instance, I have a friend that hates “your mom” jokes. Even though it’s low brow humor that I try to avoid, it’s almost impossible to keep from dropping a few timely “your mom” jokes around him just because of how much anguish it causes him. Because I can recognize the moments when I’m trying to offend, I’m going to go ahead and let you know this isn’t one of these moments.

U2 sucks.

Yep, is aid it (soberly typing, “I said it”).

Now, I’m not going to say the entire U2 catalog sucks, or that U2 has always sucked. I’m not stupid (or, at the least, I’m not stupid concerning this). I mean, I used to like U2. They got some irreplaceable songs (With or Without You, I Will Follow, One, New Year’s Day, etc.). However, have you paid any attention to U2 lately? I’m not talking about simply taking for granted that they are U2 and they have history on their side and whatever they produce is probably decent, I mean, have you really paid attention to U2? If not, watch this:

First off, I won’t harp on the concept of U2 selling out to corporate America and Blackberry too much because just about every band, celebrity, etc. takes the money every once in awhile. But you are U2, at this point, you don’t need Blackberry. If you took the sponsors back in the late ‘80s or early ‘90s when you were still building your empire, sure, but at this point, do you really need that extra $10 million? Haven’t you got enough already?

Next, what the f is this video? We get some neon colors and some white stars or bubbles (what they hell is that?) floating around U2 on stage. Is this a kid’s video? Are they trying to sell me some sugar coated cereal? We got The Edge in his f-ing beanie and ear ring playing the guitar. You are bald and 47. You call yourself “Edge.” Grow the f up. Bono is at the forefront acting like he’s reaching out to the audience, cause, you know, we all want Bono to touch us. Then I get 8,000 digital fans screaming at the band to let me know how popular U2 is and how I’m out of the loop if I don’t agree. And then the punchline, er, tagline, “Blackberry loves U2.” Which means, obviously, that if you love U2, you should love Blackberry as well, or if you love Blackberry, you should love U2. Well, you know what, U2 sucks, I don’t give a crap about a Blackberry so leave me the f alone when I’m just a normal dude trying to go see an f-ing movie. Save me the propaganda advertisement and the waste of time. I didn’t pay $9 bucks to see a crappy U2/Blackberry commercial. I paid $9 to try to forget both of these things, thank you.

Alright, now it’s time to break down U2’s suckiness. I can live with a crappy sponsorship and a crappy video. Really, I can. But the lyrics. No free passes Mr. Bono. Let’s break this shite down right now.

She's a rainbow and she loves the peaceful life
Knows I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight
I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight?

What the hell does that mean? At first it sounds likes one of those paradox/oxymoron/irony things that is subtly brilliant, but really, it just means that the person is guaranteed going crazy tonight. On a side note, if I don’t drink more wine tonight, I won’t drink more wine tonight. Suck on that Bono!

There's a part of me in the chaos that's quiet
And there's a part of you that wants me to riot

What chaos does U2 have right now, deciding whether to sign on for ads with the Blackberry of the Iphone? I want you to riot U2, you know, like back in the ‘80s when you sang “Sunday Bloody Sunday” about the violence in Northern Ireland.

Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit
Every sweet tooth needs just a little hit

I don’t need to cry or spit, thanks. I do need to vomit when reading these lyrics. I don’t think sweet tooths need a hit, I think they need cheesecake, but that’s just me.

Every beauty needs to go out with an idiot

Graham and I both found wives, so I suppose this is true.

How can you stand next to the truth and not see it
Oh, a change of heart comes slow

U2 fans should be able to see the truth that Bono and company suck, but they don’t see it. I guess they still haven’t found what they are looking for.

It's not a hill, it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Do you believe me or are you doubting
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

None of this makes a damn bit of sense. Okay, we got this mountain, and as you start to climb, uh, well, people are doubting it, but you know what, we are going to make it to the light, you know, cause it’s a dark climb or whatever, and we’ll go crazy if we don’t go crazy, which, you know, means, uh, we’re climbing and going crazy and seeing light and being abstract and smart and uh…..we’re U2!

Every generation gets a chance to change the world

Too bad U2’s generation changed the world with Blackberrys.

Pity the nation that won't listen to your boys and girls
'Cause the sweetest melody is the one we haven't heard

Well, if the sweetest melody is the one we’ve never heard, we never will hear it. What is the point of telling me this? I’m going to start doing this with my friends. “The other day I went to this restaurant that was closing its doors that night, and they made me the best pizza I’ve ever had. Right when the restaurant was closing, the building caught fire and everyone in there died. So, yeah, the pizza was awesome, and you’ll never taste it. Blackberry loves U2!”

Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear

Well, since you are asking, here's my best example: I love my wife and I’m scared that my fantasy football team will suck this year. Chew on that Bono!

The right to appear ridiculous is something I hold dear

That’s true. Have you read these lyrics?

Oh, but a change of heart comes slow

You already said that.

It's not a hill, it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Listen for me, I'll be shouting
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But you now I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

Yeah, you said this already too. It was dumb the first time, but thanks for telling me again in case I forgot why U2 sucks.

Baby, baby, baby
I know I'm not alone
Baby, baby, baby
I know I'm not alone

Oh oh oh

Yeah, you aren’t alone. You got 30 million morons buying your crap.

It's not a hill, it's a mountain
As we start out the climb
Listen for me, I'll be shouting
Shouting to the darkness
Squeeze out sparks of light

What the hell is the point of shouting to the darkness? I’m going to shout at the sand. It sounds just as reasonable.

You know we're gonna go crazy
You know we'll go crazy
You know we'll go crazy if we don't go crazy tonight

Oh, slowly now
Oh, be slow

U2, why don’t you be slow. Slow your f-ing stupidity. You suck.


Monday, August 3, 2009

If you haven't read it, it's still news

Rarely do news headlines grab me. Most of them are dumb, and I’ve pretty numb to the news industry in general (blogger rails against news media, how original!), however, today I was grabbed by not 1, but 2 headlines when reading The Commercial Appeal.

The first headline was, “Tugboat captain indicted on pornography charges.”

It’s nice to see someone out there has a sense of humor.

The second headline read, “Murder charge added to shoplifting.”

Really, when you get charged for murder, does anyone care whether you shoplifted or not? What next, “Alleged jaywalker linked to Presidential assassination plot.”

As if the headline wasn’t enough, read the story. This guy allegedly used his truck for a drive-by shooting last month. So, does he get out of town, or lay low for a while? No, he decides to use the same truck to rob a Walgreens. What does he rob the Walgreens of: “three cartons of Marlboros.”

This guy might have gotten away with murder if not for his need to rob a Walgreens of three cartons of cigarettes. That, my friends, is a real man of genius.