Friday, February 27, 2009

Recession? What recession?

I imagine this scene playing out in the Redskins' offices today. It begins with the phone ringing in the GM's office (Note to readers: I didn't bother to look up the name of the Redskins GM. Whatever. Whoever it is is a glorified intern anyway).

GM: "Mr. Snyder. How are you today?"
Dan Snyder: "Great. I want Albert Haynesworth."
GM: "Yeah, he's a pretty good player. What do you think, $60 million?"
DS: "$100 million. Done."
GM: "Wait, we probably don't need to-"
DS: "Listen. I don't believe in negotiating, ok? Just throw the money at him and get him here."
GM: "It's just that, he hasn't played a full 16 games since his rookie season."
DS: "We have good trainers."
GM: "He once stomped on a guy's face."
DS: "Competitive fire!"
GM: "He waited until a contract year to put up his best numbers."
DS: "He's a late bloomer. Look guy whose name I don't know. If you want to be back in the PR department, I can make that happen."
GM: "Whoa, no need to do anything rash like that. OK, I'll make the call."
DS: "While you're at it, how about $54 million for DeAngelo Hall."
GM: "Wait- didn't he talk his way out of Atlanta a few years ago?"
DS: "Was he killing dogs?"
GM: "Don't think so."
DS: "Hell, even if he was, I wouldn't care."
GM: "OK, but he just signed that huge deal in Oakland last year, and only lasted half the year before they got fed up and cut him. They paid him nearly $30 million for 8 games, and washed their hands of him."
DS: "Al Davis called me and said it was all Lane Kiffin's fault."
GM: "Al Davis knows how to use a phone?"
DS: "Fine, it was a telegram."
GM: "OK, look. The country's in the worst recession in nearly a century. Don't you think it will look bad if we throw $150 million at two players with shady character traits who only show up in contract years?"
DS: "We sell out every game. Talk to me about that when people stop coming."
GM: "Good point. What about this- over the last few years you've spent hundreds of millions of dollars on Shawn Springs, Deion Sanders, Dana Stubblefield, Bruce Smith, Adam Archuleta and Jeremiah Trotter. And what have we gotten for it? Nothing. Maybe it's time to take a step back and re-evaluate our philosophy here."
DS: "Hey, is Lawrence Taylor available? Give his agent a call."

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