Saturday, August 14, 2010

Worst Movies Ever

Last week via twitter there was a localized debate brought about by @waskew. It was about the worst movie you've ever seen. I didn’t jump into the debate at the time for a variety of reasons: I was busy at work, I’m lazy, and I’ve seen a ton of crappy movies. I didn’t want to just fly off the handle with one or two movies and leave out some of the truly crappy ones that I’ve seen. Note: I used to work at a video store and then a movie theater so I had free movies from the age of 15 to 23. I had a lot to pick from. So, just like most everything else we do here at RTS, here’s my one week late list of worst movies ever seen. (I simply picked all the movies I’ve rated 1 star on Netflix). (Just skip to the bottom for some analysis if you don’t feel like browsing through a ton of crappy movies that you might or might not have heard of).

10,000 BC
Angels & Demons
Batman & Robin
The Boxer
The Brave One
The Brothers Grimm
Cabin Fever
The Chumscrubber
City by the Sea
Collateral Damage
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Cradle 2 the Grave
Dante's Peak
Dave Chappelle's Block Party
Down in the Valley
Eagle Eye
Eyes Wide Shut
Flags of Our Fathers
The General's Daughter
Get Smart
Ghost World
Green Zone
The Haunting of Molly Hartley
Henry Poole Is Here
The Island
Kingdom of Heaven
Kissing a Fool
The Ladykillers
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Love Guru
The Man Who Wasn't There
The Mask of Zorro
Master and Commander
Miami Vice
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
Mission: Impossible II
The New World
Nightwatch (Nick Nolte movie)
Paradise Now
Paranormal Activity
Patch Adams
Pauly Shore is Dead
Pearl Harbor
The Perfect Storm
The Pest
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Psycho (remake)
Punch-Drunk Love
Rachel Getting Married
A Sound of Thunder
Spider-Man 2
The Straight Story
Swimming Pool
Synecdoche, New York
The Tailor of Panama
The Time Machine
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything
Tomb Raider
Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
U Turn
V for Vendetta
Van Helsing
Vanilla Sky
We Were Soldiers
Wild Wild West
You Don't Mess with the Zohan

Now, a few notes should be made.

First, my wife used to love horror movies and I hate them. So some of these movies got 1 star simply cause I hate the genre in particular. But really, "Saw III" was painful for even the most ardent of horror fans.

Second, about 15% of the movies on this list I didn’t even finish. So yeah, maybe the ending turned out better, but if I can’t make it to the ending, then what’s the point?

Third, some of this is my own damn fault. I mean, I hated "Spiderman" and "Tomb Raider" and yet I still saw "Spiderman 2" and "Tomb Raider 2". Needless to say, I watched a lot of movies when I worked at a movie theater.

Without further ado, here’s my lowlights

Lord of the Rings
Everyone raves about this series like Jesus Christ himself came down and blessed this trilogy. I just didn’t get it. The first one was boring and I feel asleep in the second one. I have a 120 minute theory about movies. If a movie is going to go over 120 minutes, it better be for a good reason. Otherwise, it’s going to bore me. Why exactly was this movie 3 hours? So they could walk and walk and walk? Ugh.

As part of my 120 minute theory, I remember this movie being painfully long. When two movies suck, whichever movie lasted longer sucks worse. So, "Alexander" is worse than "The Love Guru". Think about it.

Batman & Robin
The first truly terrible movie I’ve seen. It’s like the "Plan 9 of Outer Space" of my generation.

Down in the Valley
I love Edward Norton. This had to been one of the most disappointing movies I’ve seen. It’s atrocious.

Dennis Quaid teams up with a dragon with the voice of Sean Connery. How could that not be cool? Trust me, it wasn’t.

This is a classic! It’s amazing! Blah, blah, blah. Nothing happens. I kept waiting for this to get good. And I’m sure if Chris Herrington reads this post he’ll blast me for not liking this movie. Seriously, I remember some people being stuck in traffic for what seems like forever until I turned the damn movie off.

I’m sure I’ll catch some grief for this but I needed subtitles for this movie. I couldn’t understand a damn word. And I feel asleep trying to watch this. I tried again and feel asleep again. This movie puts me to sleep faster than JaMarcus Russell’s sizzurp.

Pretty much the worst movie of all-time, simply because so many people without a brain laud it. It’s just a bunch of ripped dudes talking in deep voices about honor. “We have to defend our nation. Sparta is our home. Etc. Etc. Etc.” Then they go fight for like 45 minutes, take a break, talk about defending Sparta and honor again and repeat. This happens about 7 times and then the movie ends. It’s torture. I’d rather have fought 300 Spartans on my own than have to watch this again.


1 comment:

Will Askew said...

Most of the movies on here I wholeheartedly agree with. I loved Lord of the Rings (b/c deep down I am a huge nerd), liked Snatch. As for POTC, I thought At World's End was FAR worse than Dead Man's Chest, although I didn't particularly like either. And Alexander...well, Alexander is just disappointing. Alexander the Great is begging for a good movie to be made about him, and that one sucked.