NFL Kickoff Preview (Part 2)

Here's Part II of the RTS NFL preview. (Click here for Part I if you missed it).

Kansas City Chiefs at Baltimore Ravens (-8.5)

Chris: I can’t decide if Kansas City is one of those crappy teams or a middle of the road team. Sorta like how I can’t decide if I like Sour Cream n’ Onion Pringles or BBQ Baked Lays better. I suppose it doesn’t matter since the Baltimore Ravens are Cheetos. If you can’t translate that, fine, I’ll spell it out for you. The Cheetos by 17 points. (Random side note. I just googled “Cheetos” to make sure I spelled it right and this picture popped up. And those aren’t Cheetos, those are cheese puffs. Stupid google.)

Graham: Let me answer that one for you: they’re crappy. Baltimore’s the pick.

NY Jets at Houston Texans (-4.5)

Chris: Here’s a few more of my NFL predictions. I don’t think the Jets will be that bad. I think the team wants to win some games with a rookie QB just to stick it to Brett Favre. I also think Mark Sanchez is going to be good. I think Rex Ryan and the defense is going win them some games. Is it possible for Brett Favre to have a positive impact on two teams this year (the Packers and Jets both wanting to stick it to Favre) while he’s actually causing the team he’s on to implode. Some numbers guy needs to come up with a formula for this and we’ll call it “the Favre.” It’s when your existence hurts the people around you and helps your enemies. Let’s try it out. “Yesterday, I was out with friends having a few beers. It was going well, until I had a few jagerbombs and Favre’d the rest of the night away. I called my friend’s girlfriend a whore, started a fight with 3 MMA dudes and walked out on my tab. And, I just found out, a guy that I hated in high school ended up leaving with my date because I embarrassed her so badly.”

Graham: If the Jets were a TV show, they’d be Battlestar Galactica. Surprisingly passionate fanbase, some critical acclaim, but little mainstream recognition. And in both cases, I missed the boat and hear about how great they are, except never really get around to checking them out. What does this have to do with anything? Probably nothing, other than that I’m picking them this week.

Washington Redskins at NY Giants (-6.5)

Chris: I know I put the Giants in my “legitimate contenders” list but I’m not sold on them. They have a really good chance of going 9-7. Their QB is shaky (sorry, it’s true), their WRs aren’t so much unproven as they’ve proven they’re mediocre (follow that?) and their defense is good, but not Pittsburgh and Baltimore level dominant. So, uh, yeah, if they’re a contender, it’s simply by default because I still think the NFC is weak. The Giants win this game 17-13 in a snoozefest.

Graham: I’m glad Chris referred to this game as a snooze fest. I grew with Pat Summerall and John Madden creaming themselves over the NFC East “battles”. But you watch the games, and they generally consist of handoffs to fullbacks and screen passes. Feel the excitement! If Pat Summerall were still alive he’d disagree, but…wait, Pat Summerall is still alive? And calling games? My…God. Anyway, I don’t particularly like the Giants, but since Washington coach Jim Zorn referred to himself last year as the dumbest coach in the world (or something to that effect), I don’t particularly want to disagree. NY, I guess.

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals (-6.5)

Chris: If your QB is Shaun Hill, I can’t rightfully pick your team. I could see every team in the NFC West going ending up 7-9, 8-8 or 9-7. That division sucks. Except for TJ Housamazalli. I expect greatness from him.

Graham: The pick is Arizona. But I want to talk for a second about Michael Crabtree. So he goes lower in the draft than expected, but holds out and demands to be paid like he was taken higher? You can do that? I wish I’d known that in my bar-going days. I’d hit on a woman out of league (read: any woman), get rejected, and walk away. But under Michael Crabtree’s line of thinking, I should just be waiting in her car to go home with her since I clearly deserve better than what I was being offered. Wait, did I just say I should stalk women? Has any analogy gone off the rails faster than that one? Let’s just move on.

St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks (-7.5)

Chris: I just said the entire NFC West sucks, and yet I’m about to pick the Rams here because I don’t think they’ll suck as bad as you expect. Injuries killed both of these teams last year. I just don’t see it happening to them two years in a row. I think this game ends up 31-24, Seahawks, which means the Rams cover.

Graham: If you had said St. Louis would score 31 points in the season, I’d be willing to listen. But not in a game. No way. I hate Seattle, but I hate St. Louis more. Seattle’s the pick.

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers (-3.5)

Chris: Here’s hoping my Favre equation proves correct. If so, the Packers come out of the gate strong against a division foe. The Packers by a TD. BTW, the over/under on Cutler yelling at his receivers is 3.5 passes. I’m taking the under.

Graham: I’m a Packers fan, so yeah, I’m taking Green Bay. After their dominating preseason, I’m about ready to call my second child “Aaron”. If we ever do have another child (God forbid), then “Aaron” moves ahead of other possible names, including “Ichiro”, “Pavel” and “Weird Al”.

Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots (-10.5)

Chris: Brady’s first game back reminds me of Marino’s return from his torn Achilles when he tossed for 5 TDs and 400+ yards in a win over the Pats. See the symmetry here? I’m picking Brady to throw for about 600 years and 7 TDs, you know, unless he goes out in the first 10 minutes of the season again, which would be sweet. Normally I don’t cheer for the Pats, but this will be game 1 of the “TO is just a sideshow cancer with no football skills left whatsoever” era. So that’s nice.

Graham: Basic rule of thumb: when a team fires their offensive coordinator a week before the season starts, probably not a good idea to pick them to overcome a double digit point spread on the road against a team that could win the Super Bowl. Just sayin’.

San Diego Chargers (-6.5) at Oakland Raiders

Chris: I bet the Chargers defense and Shawne Merriman suffocate the Raiders. Too soon? I don’t pick the Raiders until further notice.

Graham: I don’t know if an athlete has ever won a PR battle by holding out. That will end with Richard Seymour. When Bill Belichick told him he’d been traded to Oakland, I’m sure he started sobbing uncontrollably with Belichick repeating, “It’s not your fault Richard, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault.” San Diego.