Wednesday, August 5, 2009

How long must I sing this song?

Sometimes people make statements to offend people, to instigate, just for the hell of it. For instance, I have a friend that hates “your mom” jokes. Even though it’s low brow humor that I try to avoid, it’s almost impossible to keep from dropping a few timely “your mom” jokes around him just because of how much anguish it causes him. Because I can recognize the moments when I’m trying to offend, I’m going to go ahead and let you know this isn’t one of these moments.

U2 sucks.

Yep, is aid it (soberly typing, “I said it”).

Now, I’m not going to say the entire U2 catalog sucks, or that U2 has always sucked. I’m not stupid (or, at the least, I’m not stupid concerning this). I mean, I used to like U2. They got some irreplaceable songs (With or Without You, I Will Follow, One, New Year’s Day, etc.). However, have you paid any attention to U2 lately? I’m not talking about simply taking for granted that they are U2 and they have history on their side and whatever they produce is probably decent, I mean, have you really paid attention to U2? If not, watch this:

First off, I won’t harp on the concept of U2 selling out to corporate America and Blackberry too much because just about every band, celebrity, etc. takes the money every once in awhile. But you are U2, at this point, you don’t need Blackberry. If you took the sponsors back in the late ‘80s or early ‘90s when you were still building your empire, sure, but at this point, do you really need that extra $10 million? Haven’t you got enough already?

Next, what the f is this video? We get some neon colors and some white stars or bubbles (what they hell is that?) floating around U2 on stage. Is this a kid’s video? Are they trying to sell me some sugar coated cereal? We got The Edge in his f-ing beanie and ear ring playing the guitar. You are bald and 47. You call yourself “Edge.” Grow the f up. Bono is at the forefront acting like he’s reaching out to the audience, cause, you know, we all want Bono to touch us. Then I get 8,000 digital fans screaming at the band to let me know how popular U2 is and how I’m out of the loop if I don’t agree. And then the punchline, er, tagline, “Blackberry loves U2.” Which means, obviously, that if you love U2, you should love Blackberry as well, or if you love Blackberry, you should love U2. Well, you know what, U2 sucks, I don’t give a crap about a Blackberry so leave me the f alone when I’m just a normal dude trying to go see an f-ing movie. Save me the propaganda advertisement and the waste of time. I didn’t pay $9 bucks to see a crappy U2/Blackberry commercial. I paid $9 to try to forget both of these things, thank you.

Alright, now it’s time to break down U2’s suckiness. I can live with a crappy sponsorship and a crappy video. Really, I can. But the lyrics. No free passes Mr. Bono. Let’s break this shite down right now.

She's a rainbow and she loves the peaceful life
Knows I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight
I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight?

What the hell does that mean? At first it sounds likes one of those paradox/oxymoron/irony things that is subtly brilliant, but really, it just means that the person is guaranteed going crazy tonight. On a side note, if I don’t drink more wine tonight, I won’t drink more wine tonight. Suck on that Bono!

There's a part of me in the chaos that's quiet
And there's a part of you that wants me to riot

What chaos does U2 have right now, deciding whether to sign on for ads with the Blackberry of the Iphone? I want you to riot U2, you know, like back in the ‘80s when you sang “Sunday Bloody Sunday” about the violence in Northern Ireland.

Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit
Every sweet tooth needs just a little hit

I don’t need to cry or spit, thanks. I do need to vomit when reading these lyrics. I don’t think sweet tooths need a hit, I think they need cheesecake, but that’s just me.

Every beauty needs to go out with an idiot

Graham and I both found wives, so I suppose this is true.

How can you stand next to the truth and not see it
Oh, a change of heart comes slow

U2 fans should be able to see the truth that Bono and company suck, but they don’t see it. I guess they still haven’t found what they are looking for.

It's not a hill, it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Do you believe me or are you doubting
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

None of this makes a damn bit of sense. Okay, we got this mountain, and as you start to climb, uh, well, people are doubting it, but you know what, we are going to make it to the light, you know, cause it’s a dark climb or whatever, and we’ll go crazy if we don’t go crazy, which, you know, means, uh, we’re climbing and going crazy and seeing light and being abstract and smart and uh…..we’re U2!

Every generation gets a chance to change the world

Too bad U2’s generation changed the world with Blackberrys.

Pity the nation that won't listen to your boys and girls
'Cause the sweetest melody is the one we haven't heard

Well, if the sweetest melody is the one we’ve never heard, we never will hear it. What is the point of telling me this? I’m going to start doing this with my friends. “The other day I went to this restaurant that was closing its doors that night, and they made me the best pizza I’ve ever had. Right when the restaurant was closing, the building caught fire and everyone in there died. So, yeah, the pizza was awesome, and you’ll never taste it. Blackberry loves U2!”

Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear

Well, since you are asking, here's my best example: I love my wife and I’m scared that my fantasy football team will suck this year. Chew on that Bono!

The right to appear ridiculous is something I hold dear

That’s true. Have you read these lyrics?

Oh, but a change of heart comes slow

You already said that.

It's not a hill, it's a mountain
As you start out the climb
Listen for me, I'll be shouting
We're gonna make it all the way to the light
But you now I'll go crazy if I don't go crazy tonight

Yeah, you said this already too. It was dumb the first time, but thanks for telling me again in case I forgot why U2 sucks.

Baby, baby, baby
I know I'm not alone
Baby, baby, baby
I know I'm not alone

Oh oh oh

Yeah, you aren’t alone. You got 30 million morons buying your crap.

It's not a hill, it's a mountain
As we start out the climb
Listen for me, I'll be shouting
Shouting to the darkness
Squeeze out sparks of light

What the hell is the point of shouting to the darkness? I’m going to shout at the sand. It sounds just as reasonable.

You know we're gonna go crazy
You know we'll go crazy
You know we'll go crazy if we don't go crazy tonight

Oh, slowly now
Oh, be slow

U2, why don’t you be slow. Slow your f-ing stupidity. You suck.



Graham said...

My rebuttal is forthcoming tomorrow.


MC said...

My stomach is hurting from laughing so hard. You said it just right!