Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Ten Things I Don't Understand

1. How can people have jobs yet not know how to use the tab button? Someone pays you to manually space things out about 8 spaces, just to have me have to go back and fix it for you? It’s almost 2009. If you have a job that requires you to use a computer, learn the tab button. It takes about 5 seconds to master. It’s easier than riding a bike.

2. Along those same lines, if you can’t type more than 10 words per minute, then it’s probably best not to have a job that requires a lot of computer usage. It’s really that simple. How much would it cost to take a typing class? $50? How hard would it be to teach yourself?

3. I read that Tony Romo (pronounced Wooo-Mo) and T.O. were upset with the play-calling in the Eagles 60-minute bitch slapping festival. When you lose 44 to 6, is there any reason to point the finger at anyone? Are these guys really saying that if the play-calls were different, they wouldn’t have been beaten by 38 points? What the hell is that? When the other team scores on a 73-yard fumble return and a 96-yard fumble return, how exactly is that the fault of the play-caller? What play was he supposed to call “Go try to score a touchdown and make sure not to fumble the ball.” I can’t wait for T.O. to become the new Mike Tyson and have him greet me at the Tunica Harrah’s in about 10 years.

4. Is it really that impressive that Domino’s subs are twice as popular as Subway? Does anyone other than Jared eat at Subway on a regular basis? You mean your sandwich isn’t made with week-old meat that’s smashed on top of soggy bread? It’s twice as good as that? Wow, sign me up!

5. Does ESPN really need to announce that Ricky Davis failed a drug test on the bottom ticker for 3 straight hours while they are broadcasting a football game? Is Ricky Davis failing a drug test even considered news? I simply consider it standard. At this rate, I’m going to have to read “Phillip Fulmer has done nothing but eat bacon since his resignation” updates in about 3 months.* Also, can we change the term “throwing money away” to “signing Ricky Davis”? Isn’t that really what people mean? For example, the other day, everything was closed but Subway so I got a sandwich. I might as well have signed Ricky Davis.

6. Who the hell is in charge of marketing these days? First off, I haven’t seen a truly funny beer commercial in over a year. Second, if I’m going to watch a football game for 3 hours, is it really necessary to show the same commercial 10 times during the game? Even if I was interested in your product, after 9 of the same commercial I’m ready to punch myself in the face. I wouldn’t go test drive your car to save my damn life once I’ve reached this point. And I’m going to go ahead and wager that the majority of the people watching the NFL on Sundays aren’t looking to give their wife a new Lexus for Christmas anyway.

7. I just read an headline that read, “Curry to stay on Knicks’ shelf few weeks longer.” How big does that shelf have to be for Eddy Curry to be on it? Did they build it from the scrap metal of the Twin Towers?

8. At what point does an NBA coach decide to double-team a player? If the answer for your team’s coach is, “Not until after the player has scored a season high and fouled out your starting center” then your team might be looking for a coach next year. If your team isn’t looking for a new coach, then you might want to look for a new team.

9. When does season 2 of Mad Men come out on DVD? Seriously, I just finished season 1 and want to catch season 2 before season 3 starts. You know why people download stuff illegally? Because the people in charge are idiots. How hard it is to have a critically acclaimed TV show on DVD for Christmas? I wanted a Sam Roberts Band CD a few months ago and found out it wasn’t available in the U.S. for months, but it was already out in Canada. So what did I do? It took me about 10 minutes to download it for free. I was perfectly willing to purchase the product, except the product wasn’t even f-ing available. If you make it, they will buy it. Dumbasses.

10. Sometimes, I don’t even understand myself. I don’t know how I forgot the following video from being on my Best of Youtube 2008.



Chris said...

*Just when I thought ESPN couldn't get any dumber, I read on the bottom ticker last night that Brett Favre would take a few weeks to decide whether he'd return next year. Thanks for that update ESPN! I really thought Brett Favre was going to make a quick decision and stick with it instead of sitting on the fence for months, hold a franchise hostage, make a decision, cry, recant, try to come back, and then get traded. Glad we got that settled.

Anonymous said...

I want mad men to come out too!

Health Blog said...

If your team isn’t looking for a new coach,
then you might want to look for a new team.