You're Not the Only One Taking Crazy Pills

I hate to harp on other people’s poor decisions and come across like a snarky know-it-all, but, well, I am, and there’s lot of stupid people out there.

I’ve tried to let the Georgetown-Memphis basketball game pass me by without a rant. Of course, immediately after the game was over I engaged in pissed off phone calls with a friend, my brother, and then, a face-to-face bitching session with my sister over Tyreke Evans. I thought those three conversations would let off enough steam to leave old Tyreke alone. But then, I read today that Evans was named the Conference USA co-Rookie of the Week for his performance in the Georgetown game. The reasoning was that he had 20 points, 7 rebounds, 3 assists and 3 steals. Sure, that statline sounds good, but even Derek Zoolander could tell you that Evans sucked it up and ruined any Tigers chance of winning. If Evans gets an award for the Georgetown game, we might as well give George W. Bush the “Best President Ever” ribbon for the last 8 years.

Why am I pouring on Tyreke? Why doesn’t he deserve any recognition for putting up 20 and 7? I’ll start with the basics. While Evans had 20 points, he shot 8-24 from the field and 1-5 from deep. 33% from the field? Are you kidding me? Screw his stupid 7 rebounds, he’d of had to pull down 10 offensive rebounds just to make up for the 16 shots he missed. Three assists and 3 steals is fair for the starting shooting guard, but when you turn the ball over 5 times and spend the majority of the 2nd half in foul trouble, let’s just go ahead and say that you aren’t doing so hot.

To top all this off, the Tigers were still in the game until it came down to crunch time. Then, for some unbeknownst reason, we keep giving the ball to the chucker, and he throws up crappy shot after crappy shot. As a matter of fact, in the last 9 minutes of the game (4 minutes regulation, 5 minutes overtime), Evans shot 1-10 from the field and attempted 0 free throws. I hadn’t seen a worse performance from a freshman since Breckin Meyer in Road Trip. And you know what, the only saving grace from the loss was that at least people would be able to see that Evans is a chucker, a shooting guard without a shot, has a basketball IQ of absolute 0 and is making his draft stock slip faster than, well, any stock these days. But no, these things aren’t realized, the guy is winning awards. CBS named him player of the game, and C-USA gives him Rookie of the Week. Shoot me now.

Chris

Has-Been Deserves Chance to Play

Is this what Memphis Grizzlies beat writer Ron Tillery does, befriend the old veteran on the Grizz and then write articles each year saying that player deserves a chance to play?

Last year, how many Damon Stoudamire buyout articles did we have to read? It should’ve been one blurb: Stoudamire released by Grizzlies. That’s it. Instead, Grizz fans had to suffer through numerous Tillery articles detailing the veteran players desire to have more minutes, play for a contender, etc. It didn’t matter that Stoudamire was broken and was never able to contribute, that he’s out of the league as we speak.

So what do we get now? The Grizzlies should give Antoine Walker a buyout, give him a chance to play, etc. And why should the Grizz do that? They owe Walker something? Walker really thinks he’s got something left to offer a team?

Tillery says, “Why hold a capable and passionate player prisoner when the team has no use for him?"

I didn’t realize that Walker was being held prisoner. Which prison pays you $9 million again? And if he’s such a capable player, why aren’t teams making on offer for him? He’s just like Stoudamire, a player with too much pride to admit that his skills have declined, that the game has passed him by. Once again, I’ve wasted my time reading an article about how some grizzled old vet is owed a release and a chance to play. Walker can leave the Grizz anytime he likes, he’ll just have to forfeit a big chunk of his paycheck, which of course, he doesn’t want to do. If Walker wants to prove doubters wrong and show that he can still play, you can give up a few million for it. Otherwise, enjoy being one of the highest paid bench players in the league. There’s worse things in life, you know, like being a real prisoner.

Are You Sure You Used Spell Check, Dude?

Congratulations, dumbasses. When you’re going to replicate a UPS truck to smuggle your million dollar ton of pot, why don’t you go ahead and a) not use a homemade license plate and b) use spell check.

Chris

Don't Get Mad at Us Pop, It's Your Fault

Last week I wrote an anti-Corey Maggette screed that ended with me claiming that “no smart front office would go near him”. Then the next day I saw an article on Hoopshype where Gregg Popovich was discussing their failed attempt to land Maggette during the offseason.

Never mind that Maggette choosing Golden State over San Antonio tells you all you need to know about him, the whole thing is mind-boggling- the Spurs went after Maggette?

Obviously I missed that little tidbit when I was moving across the country over the summer (along with the memo about it still being fashionable for women to wear those ridiculous oversized sunglasses), but initially I couldn’t believe the Spurs could be so dumb as to go after Maggette. Sure, he can fill it up, and the Spurs could use a consistent wing scorer, but he does so at the expense of his teammates. How could the Spurs, the class of the league, go after Maggette?

Then it occurred to me- are the Spurs really that smart? And the answer, well, it’s debatable.

Yeah, they struck it rich with Tim Duncan. And Manu Ginobili was a terrific choice. As was Tony Parker. But, uh, isn’t that about it?

And while people laud the Spurs for being patient with Parker, they really weren’t. Early in his career Popovich treated him like Oprah treats a buffet. And early on, the Spurs were ready to dump Parker to sign Jason Kidd for a max contract. While Kidd hadn’t yet deteriorated like he has now and could have maybe led the Spurs to their later titles, Parker has been the better fit. Kidd has nowhere near his speed, and Parker’s ability to penetrate is what opens up easy shots for Duncan and Ginobili. Not to mention that he has another 8-10 good years left. Dumping Parker for Kidd would have been like dumping Kristen Bell for Nicole Kidman. Yeah, Kidman’s got a few good years left, but Bell’s upside is much, much higher.

And while the Spurs deserve credit for their home-grown Big Three, they haven’t really done anything to build for their future.

Look, you can’t argue with the results, 4 titles in 10 years is a run anyone would kill for.

But sooner or later the wheels will come off, and there won’t be a plan in place to keep them at a high level. Instead of grooming young players into the system and letting them learn, their supporting casts have been veterans near the end of their careers- Robert Horry, Michael Finley, Brent Barry, etc. They’ve refused to go into the luxury tax, so draft picks have been sold off or spent on European players who never make the jump.

If you look at Detroit, while I’ve always considered Joe Dumars to be overrated, he’s done a good job of bringing in young players to learn the system, and guys like Rodney Stuckey, Amir Johnson and Jason Maxiell will be contributors when Iverson, Wallace and Hamilton are gone.

But the Spurs don’t think that way. Big men tend to go off a cliff, and while Duncan is a smart enough player to find ways to be effective as he gets older, pretty soon there’s bound to be a drop. Ginobili’s already shown wear and tear, and who can blame him? All that flopping onto a hard surface has to be hard on the back.

Once those guys start brining diminishing returns, where will that leave the Spurs? San Antonio isn’t the type of city marquee free agents will flock to, and they aren’t likely to land another Tim Duncan in the draft again.

The reality for the Spurs is that it’s going to be hard for this team to stay with the Lakers right now. It’s getting to a point where they need to plan ahead and stop relying on plucking guys like Roger Mason off the scrap heap to scrape by.

But they’ve shown no inclination, or ability, to do that.

Graham

It's That Time of Year

The Christmas season is upon us. It’s the perfect time to build a fire, drink some eggnog and watch movies. Here’s my top 5 Christmas movies.

5. Scrooged
It’s hard to go wrong with Bill Murray as the asshole anti-Christmas boss, plus it’s got such ‘80s movie all-stars as the chick from Raiders of the Lost Ark, the mom from License to Drive and the funny-talking guy from Police Academy. Also, I’d pay a lot of money to watch a movie called The Night the Reindeer Died that is referenced in this clip.



4. Bad Santa
An alcoholic, philandering thief doubling as Santa Claus. Sign me up. Could there be a worse Santa than Billy Bob Thornton? And by worse, I mean, more awesome. And his friend might be the best elf in history, topping even Will Ferrell. This clip says it all.



3. National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Clark Griswold’s third movie and quite possibly, his finest. The inept Dad hopes to save Christmas despite an influx of in-laws and a work bonus replaced by a jelly of the month membership (the gift that keeps on giving the whole year). Every time Randy Quaid speaks, I crack up. (Bonus points for appearances by a pre-Elaine Julia Louis-Dreyfus).



2. Home Alone
A tried and true classic. I probably like this movie a bit more than the rest considering I was the target demographic (10-year-old boy, natch) when it came out. While the movie was popular, isn’t this Joe Pesci’s most surprising role? I mean, he’s whacking people in Goodfellas one minute, and he’s in a slapstick Christmas comedy the next. By the way, I was watching this the other day and noticed that there was a Bulls sticker and Michael Jordan poster in one of the rooms, and then on the other wall, there was an Isiah Thomas poster. They lived in Chicago. Did anyone in Chicago in 1990 claim to be both a Michael Jordan and Isiah Thomas fan? How pathetic is it that I found this to be the most unrealistic aspect of the movie, as opposed to the 7,000 pranks that would never work in reality?



1. A Christmas Story
Ralphie and his red rider BB gun. The leg lamp. Oh fudge. Flick’s tounge. Randy showing everyone how little piggies eat. I can’t even begin to rationally discuss the hilarity. (By the way, did you know that the actor that played Flick went on to star in adult films? Talk about a family comedy gone awry. This would be like The Jonas Brothers starring in all-male films in 20 years. Let’s move on.) Here’s a decently funny remix.




Chris

Are You Ready for Some Fishing?

I’m a fantasy addict. Everyone that knows me, or even reads this blog, can probably tell. I’ve managed to cut down to 5 fantasy football teams this year, which is my lowest total in years. I’ve got 2 fantasy basketball teams. I even play fake fantasy sports on whatifsports.com. I also competed in 2 college football pick’ems, which is pretty close to fantasy sports as well. It’s at least in the same ball park. I had a fantasy baseball team as well, even though I never watched a baseball game from start to finish. It’s safe to say, if there’s a fantasy sport out there, I’ll try it. At least, that’s what I thought. Then I came across this.

Fantasy Bass Fishing

Are you serious?

First off, I know that fishing is popular in the sense that people like to get in a boat, go out there with a buddy and kick back a few Pabst Blue Ribbon and enjoy the peace and quiet. I get that.

Second, I understand that sport fishing is cool if you live near the ocean, because what man doesn’t want to catch a shark? The same type that doesn’t like football and spends too much time reading comic books, I guess. (Zing, Adam!)

But fantasy bass fishing? Maybe I’m showing my ignorance, but I didn’t know there was a bass pro circuit. I guess I thought that maybe there were fishing tournaments from time to time, but I didn’t know there were actual professional fishermen. And even if there were professional fisherman, I didn’t know that this sport was so popular as to elicit a fantasy game on ESPN.com. I know there’s a ton of fantasy games out there, as I’ve competed in 2 Celebrity Death pools, but is fantasy bass fishing really popular enough to find itself on the Worldwide Leader in Sports?

ESPN.com’s advertisement for fantasy fishing says, “Play for prizes -- or just bragging rights.” I love to think about the bragging rights that come with fantasy fishing. I can just see the following message board post happening:

Hey Dave, my boy LeRoy Davidson just caught a 15 pound bass in the Natural Light Arkansas Bass Fishing Classic. I’m totally killing you in pounds. Way to go with Jimmy “the Jimmster” Clankston again this weekend. The only thing he’s caught is herpes. The only pounds in his boat are in his beer belly. Maybe next weekend you’ll get a real fisherman.

It gets even better. ESPN.com offers “Free Bassmaster text alerts to your phone! All the news – as it happens.” Is someone out there using this service? Are they sitting at home in the middle of a Rocky marathon and getting text updates for bass fishing as the breaking news happens? What breaking news is there, that some dude caught a fish? Is fishing such a fast-paced sport that you need text updates? How many updates would you get during a fishing tournament? 1? 2? Are there fishing injuries? Do you get updates for that? Do you get updates if your fantasy fisherman is too hungover to compete? Am I’m out of questions? Yes I am.

Chris

Tell Patrick Willis This Isn't Violent

I have a friend who started to complain when the conversation shifted to football at a party on Saturday night. He's not a sports fan and was lamenting that talking about sports is boring. As an MMA fan, I told him that he should, at the very least, like football as it's just as violent. He replied that it wasn't really that violent and that the hard hits didn't occur often enough. I submit this clip of a hit I saw yesterday as my rebuttal.

Let's Ram It

Thanks to my friend Jorge for sending this to me. This video brings about tons of questions and commentary.



1. Why don’t they make professional sports team music videos anymore? How come this was only done in the ‘80s? Seriously, with the viral industry out there now, couldn’t teams become instantly hilarious and famous with some mock videos like this?

2. Did anyone on the set think that it might be a bad idea to put a bunch of dudes in tights on a set and start singing, “Ram it!”?

3. I like how one of the players sings, “Nobody dresses sweeter” and then it shows him wearing the exact same Rams uniform as every other player. How exactly is his uniform sweeter than the rest? I’m confused.

4. Remember, the redneck from W.V.A. says, “You can ram it all day and ram it all night.” No question needed.

5. Were some of these players really into this and thought it was good, while others were immediately embarrassed? Who wrote the song? Did they drink themselves into a stupor afterwards because they were so ashamed, or did they use it as a pick up line, “Yeah, I’m a musician. I just got done on the set of ‘Let’s Ram It,’ with the L.A. Rams. It’s going to be huge. No big deal.”

6. At the 2:32 mark, the Carlton dance was invented. Talk about an epic moment.

7. One of the guys claims, “With shades on I can catch BBs in the dark.” Did they tried to film a scene of him doing this, only it ended badly. I want to watch one of the Rammers catch a BB in the dark. Wait, is that a euphemism? Let’s move on.

8. How come you can tell every white guy is reading a teleprompter? Oh yeah, cause we have no rhythm.

9. Remember, if you “Ram it just right, you can ram it all night.” Sounds like a perfect senior quote to me.

10. Number 21 is the worst dancer of all-time. I’m glad that’s settled.

I don’t think this song will ever get out of my head.

Screw You Mike and Chris, er, Drake and Josh

I have two Grizzlies season tickets and my fiancée has night class two nights a week and works two nights a week. Thus, if a Grizzlies game falls on one of these four nights, I usually ask a friend or my father to attend the game with me.

There’s a game coming up on Friday and I asked two of my friends to attend. My friend Mike simply told me he was busy. My friend Chris told me that he was attending a Drake and Josh watch party with Mike. I inquired, “What’s Drake and Josh?” I was told that it was a Nickelodeon show and that it was awesome.

Am I really 28 years old? I didn’t think that I’d ever get dumped for a Nickelodeon show, unless of course, I started hanging out with middle-schoolers. I have friends, in their twenties, that are going to spend their Friday night watching a show with the following premise (from Wikipedia):

“Drake & Josh focuses around the lives of Drake Parker and Josh Nichols, two teenagers who become stepbrothers when Drake's mother, Audrey Parker-Nichols and Josh's father, Walter Nichols, got married. Drake is portrayed as an easygoing, simple, lucky teenager, while Josh is a smart, unlucky and unpopular teenager. They are often irritated by Drake's pre-teen sister, Megan Parker, who is evil to Drake and Josh. She never gets in trouble because she acts innocent around her parents. Walter, Josh's father, can be described as unlucky and clumsy, like Josh, and an outdated meteorologist, and Audrey, Drake and Megan's mom, is more strict than Walter, and is lucky and easygoing, like Drake. She is the only person in the family unaware of the torture they go through with Megan, as Walter begins to realize Megan is truly evil in seasons 3 and 4. Throughout the series, Drake and Josh go through many conflicts, misadventures, and misfortunes. The conflicts are mainly social, others include school, work and Megan, their devious "evil" sister.”

If this above description wasn’t enough to help you choose a side in this fight, here’s a clip from the movie my friends plan on watching Friday night.



Seriously, I have friends that are planning a Friday night around this? I would’ve accepted the fact that my friends didn’t want to attend the game for a multitude of reasons, but this isn’t acceptable. Do I stop talking to them? Do we reject their man card? Their adult card? How has my life come to this? Did I do something wrong?

First off, even if my friends liked this show, which is beyond comprehension, couldn’t they just record it and watch it later? Would you ever tell someone you watched it? Second, I could understand if they were fond of this show because they grew up watching it, but it was on TV from 2004-2007. They were watching this show in their twenties, not their teens. Lastly, how much money would it take for you to watch this show? If someone offered me $50 to watch this on Friday night, I’d politely decline, saying that my dignity is worth at least $75.

A Winter Classic

Now that winter it upon is, it's time to watch this classic youtube clip to get us into the holiday spirit.