Friday, May 16, 2014

Touched by "Invisible Touch"

So what better way for our blog to return from a 1.5 year hiatus than a Chris/Graham joint review of the Genesis music video "Invisible Touch"? There isn't one. We're back.

Chris:  Okay, so first, shout-out to Dave Holmes "Somewhere in Time" column that led me to this video. Second, what's worse, Phil signing into his drumsticks or using his mullet as a prop on purpose?

Graham: Oh man, I used to love this song as a kid. I'm not joking, my parents used to listen to Genesis, and this was the first song of theirs I actually liked back then. This is rough. There's so much going on in this video, the drumsticks and mullet are just the start...

0:00 - 0:20:
Graham: Looks like they're showing behind the scenes footage of the video they're going to shoot.
Chris:  I’m pretty sure that if Phil Collins says, “Pout, baby, pout,” now, it’s going to end up on TMZ.
Graham:  I think Phil Collins would be happy to show up anywhere at this point. 
Chris:  Just like Casey Kasem? Too soon?

Graham: A stagehand does the thing where he has the board with the arm that signals action. We're off!
Chris: Did that guy tell all of his friends that he finally made a music video doing the clipboard thing? Did he put it on his resume? Does that guy tell that story at bars to this day? How do we find him and interview him?
Graham: He probably lives in a trunk in Phil Collins’s basement.
Chris: I’m scared of what lives in Phil’s basement at this point.

Graham: Someone's polishing the camera lens. Shouldn't they have done that before filming started?
Chris: I’m not here to point fingers.Wait, that's exactly what I'm here to do.

Graham: The song starts, but Phil's drumming doesn't even come close to matching the song. It's not even off by a beat, I mean it looks like he's just screwing around. Not a great start, guys.
Chris: Maybe they just spliced in stock photo of Phil drumming since he was busy doing other things, like playing with his mullet.
Graham: Not sure I blame him for that though. If I had hair I’d play with it too.
Chris: I got some hair you can play with.

Graham: A guy comes out of a trailer with a coffee and newspaper, clearly wondering why they started shooting without him. Feels like some passive-aggressive stuff going on.
Chris: He runs out of the trailer with a cup of coffee, like he’s late or something, but then he just starts riding a bike around in a couple of seconds. No wonder they started without him.
Graham: That’s the first part of the video where I knew it was going to go downhill fast. When they show a bandmate slacking off to a point where they have to start without him you know it’s not a great day for Genesis. Just no second thought given to throwing this guy under the bus.
Chris: Maybe the dude had to take a crap. I’m blaming the director on this one. Cut the guy some slack. He does have a bike to ride, you know?

Graham: The keyboard player's actions aren't matching with the song. I love how they're mailing it in, with no regard to the possibility that in 30 years a jerk like me will be able to re-watch it at a moment's notice and make fun of it.
Chris: I’m fairly certain I have no idea when a keyboard player is matching the actual music, so I’m just going to believe you.

Graham: Someone's riding a bike on the set. This is just bizarre.

Graham: Singing into the drumsticks! Mullet flipping!
Chris: Is that the actual term? A mullet flip? Can we coin it something Collins-sy? The Collins Coif Flip? The Genesis Mullet. The Genesis Mullet sounds like a Kirk Cameron straight-to-video movie. Also, what do we call movies that used to be called straight-to-video? Straight-to-DVD will be obsolete soon. Straight-to-stream sounds like some sort of illegal sexual act. I think I’m digressing.
Graham: For the hair thing, how about we call it…The Phil Phlip.
Chris: Sold!
Graham: You’re right about the movie thing. It’s becoming a gray area since a lot of movies are released to stream and in theaters at the same time. The stigma is being reduced. We can’t have that. I think bad movies need to go back to being made on VHS.
Chris: Maybe they can go straight to Bravo or TLC? That’s the lowpoint of film right now, right?

Graham: What is Phil doing with the guitar? Is he kissing it? And when did he go from the drums back to the guitar?
Chris: Also, why is everyone in suits in a warehouse? Warehouses are always, always hot. And is Phil wearing a wool coat? Who picked the concept for this video? Can we get a Rotten Tomatoes for music videos? That’s a million dollar idea right there (you know, if people made money off websites.)
Graham: It just begs so many questions. Was there another concept in play, but when they got there just scrapped it for this behind the scenes spoof? Is there an alternate video out there with the real concept? How bad did it have to be that this was deemed the better option?

Graham: Get a medic! Phil's having a stroke!

Graham: Why are they dusting off Phil's jacket? Why is this in the video? Why is any of this in the video?
Chris: You know you’ve reached the pinnacle of uncoolness when you are watching a 1985 Genesis music video and you are critiquing the fact that they are dusting off Phil Collins’ jacket instead of getting a lint roller. Serious question – did they have lint rollers in 1985?
Graham: In fairness, I don’t own a lint roller. Of course, I also don’t care about my appearance and don’t appear in music videos.
Chris: Neither do I, but my wife does, and I’m sure yours does too. Also, I mean, someone on that set was in charge of wardrobe, right?

Graham: Phil is standing behind his drummer and pretends to headbutt him. What the hell is going on with this band right now?
Chris: Why is he putting his jacket back on? Why did he take it off? When did the drummer sit down and play and when did Phil get up? I didn’t hear a break in the music for this to happen. So many questions.
Graham: All manner of continuity has been scrapped at this point. It’s chaos. But seriously- have you ever pretend headbutted someone from behind who you actually liked? That’s something you do when you don’t like someone or they pissed you off. I think Phil’s really upset with the guy.
Chris: Maybe, deep down, Phil really just wants to sit back there and drum? Think about it? He sings into drumsticks. He fake headbutts the replacement drummer. He even air drums later.

Graham: Phil's abandoned the band altogether to play pool. There was some serious discord within Genesis the day this "video" was filmed.
Chris: Was Phil playing pool by himself? (not a euphemism)
Graham: I went back and checked (seriously) and the camera doesn’t show anyone else. Phil is playing alone. Is Behind the Music still a thing? Can we get the producers of that show working on a Genesis episode?

Graham: Is this the first photobomb on record?
Chris: Why were they filming the drummer from the side when he wasn’t looking?
Graham: I wonder what else they were filming without peoples’ knowledge that day.

Graham: Synth solo!
Chris: Was the synth solo properly aligned with the music, Mr. Music Video Matching the Music Nazi?
Graham: Look, I’m not sitting here watching it note by note, but when the video has a fast solo, and the guy’s hands are barely moving. It’s pretty clear what’s going on.

Graham: Phil joins the synth player. Let him have his moment, Phil!
Chris: Not only that, but Phil tops off the synth solo steal with some air drum sticks, the Frank Stallone of the air music playing family. I’ve never been an air guitarist myself, but man, I sure can air drum with the best of them, Phil Collins notwithstanding.
Graham: “No, you’re not going 3 seconds in this video without me being in it. I will make myself a part of everything.”

Graham: The less said about this sequence the better.
Chris: Yeah, you can’t unsee that.

Graham: Um... why did Phil take a picture of the inside of his jacket?
Chris: Even better, he was taking video off it. This will be shown on Rotten Tomatoes Music Video Edition behind the scenes footage.  Serious question, when the editor had to see the clip of the inside of Phil Collins jacket, is that when he knew his entire career was a waste?
Graham: I think that realization came much earlier in the day.

Graham: Phil is chasing a stagehand around the set. I'm beginning to think Phil is a massive jerk.
Chris: Why is Phil signing into his drumsticks while chasing the guy? Why is he singing in his drumsticks at all? I’m beginning to think this video had a very low budget considering they couldn’t even get a microphone or damn lint roller on set.
Graham: I’ll bet they cut right before he threw a drumstick at the guy.
Chris: I don’t think Phil would ever throw his sacred drumstick.

Chris: Serious question, who is the Phil you would least like to flash you? Phil Collins? Uncle Phil from FPOBA? Phil Spector? Phil from Duck Dynasty?
I think the point here is, if you are a semi-attractive dude out there named Phil, you are probably in the top 1% of attractive Phils out there.
Graham: The Phil I least want to be flashed by? Phil Donahue probably.
Chris: Phil Dunphy?

Graham: The drummer just gave a wary smile about the flash, like "finally, he's doing it to someone else".
Chris: I’ve seen that wary smile way too many times.

Graham: I'd been wondering why Phil had been using both drumsticks to sing into, and he finally hands one over to the synth player to sing into for backup. That Phil Collins, always thinking ahead.
Chris: I’m glad to see we’re aligned on our drumstick question. Also, favorite piece of fried chicken? I’m drumstick myself.
Graham: I’m a breast man.

Graham: WTF
Chris: I think Phil just did an air head butt. Is that legal?
Graham: I’ll come back to this…

Graham: He just pretended to hit the synth player with a drumstick. I officially hate Phil Collins
Chris: Was it unofficial before this video?
Also, did you just gloss over the fact that the band walked inside a hamster wheel inexplicably for about 3 frames? Also, did Phil use his drumsticks like an air traffic controller for another 3 frames? And were the guys singing a cappella at the end in seriousness, or mocking themselves? It’s not like the first 3 minutes of this video made sense, but the last 30 seconds don’t even make sense compared to the start of the video. This is going to get a terrible Rotten Tomatoes Music Video score.
Graham: I might have had the timestamp wrong, because the WTF was directed at the Hamster Wheel sequence. It’s a testament to this video that my WTF comment could have really meant anything. They don’t have a microphone, they don’t have a lint roller, and they apparently don’t have any pride, but a giant Hamster Wheel? Check.
Chris: I’m guessing that’s where the budget went? You can’t just get a giant hamster wheel anywhere in 1985. There was no internet then, you know?

Graham: "That was fantastic." I beg to differ.
Chris: It was fantastic, just not the way Phil meant it.


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