Sunday, April 5, 2009

The Murtaugh List

Last week on the criminally underrated How I Met Your Mother, they introduced the concept of the Murtaugh List. Rather than explain the whole thing here, watch the video (forward to the 2:20 mark).

For the record, Laser Tag is not on the Murtaugh List. Laser Tag is awesome. If one of my friends called me to play Laser Tag, I'd ditch my wife and kid and be there post-haste.

Anyway, here is Graham's Murtaugh List:

-Eating cold pizza for breakast. Or hot pizza for that matter. Or cake, cookies, or any other dessert item. I need a reasonable breakfast. Cereal, toast, oatmeal, pancakes. Something to that effect. Or bacon. Lots of bacon...

-Staying on the topic of food, eating hot dogs on consecutive days is on the Murtaugh List. That even includes times where my wife is out of town. At the minimum, I need to boil some pasta. Or hit an IHOP. But not hot dogs two days in a row. I have my dignity.

-Alcohol: 99% of shots are out. That means you, Jager. There was a time I could handle it, but the last few times where I've been foolish enough to think I could turn back the clock, I've spent the next day in the bathroom. Not puking, mind you, but unleashing a torrent of diarrhea so potent that a Mexican restaurant janitor would be offended. Oh, and I puke sometimes too. Shots are out.

-Twitter. Just because it sucks though, not because I'm too old for it. Twitter should be on society's Murtaugh List. I hope one day we look back at Twitter with the same shame and embarrassment with which we hold John Mayer's success.

Wait, he's still successful? Dammit. OK, oversized women's sunglasses- oh come on!

Twitter, John Mayer, big sunglasses- our society is not in a good place.

-Adam Sandler movies. If you're over 30, and you pay any money to see an Adam Sandler movie, it's time to reevaluate things.

-Autographs. This is a big one: unless you have some unique piece of memorabilia, under no circumstances is it ok to ask an athlete, entertainer, porn star or any other celebrity for an autograph. That's just pathetic.

-Staying in a motel. I'm 31 and I have a job, I can spring for a halfway decent room. But there are two exceptions to this rule:
1: Long road trips
2: When using the services of a prostitute

-Late movies. There was a time I wouldn't see a movie before 9 p.m. Now, if I'm not out by 9 p.m., it better be the second coming of Heat. Because I want to go home.

-Crashing at a friend's house. I really shouldn't be out so late and having the kind of night whereby that's an option, but even then, going back to the I'm-31-and-have-a-job rule, I'll spring for the cab. The next morning will be rough enough without the turmoil of having to get up and go home in the kind of condition I know I'd be in.

-Not stretching before exercising. The last time I went for a run and didn't stretch out first, I was in traction for a week. Not good times. Then again, I guess I could just not exercise. Seems easier that way.

-Surfing internet porn.

Settle down, I'm kidding. You're never too old for that.



Chris said...

I've done 8 of those things this year.

I've also seen a late movie and eaten pizza for breakfast just this weekend.

Anonymous said...

Ah, my under-30 friend, enjoy it now. Because soon enough your world will come crashing down.

Chris said...

I can eat hot dogs any day of the week. My age won't ever stop that desire.