Why Can't We Be Friends?

If you like watching stupid people do stupid things, and I know you do, then do I have the TV show for you. Bromance, Monday night’s on MTV. I even love the description of this show, “Nine contestants are ripped from their beds to compete for the role of Brody Jenner’s best friend.”

I never want to be involved in any sentence that involves the words, “bromance, ripped from the bed and Brody Jenner.”

Here’s my running diary of the first episode (starting at about the 8 minute mark of the show, when I hit the record button).

“Coming up on Bromance, things get a little heated at the hottest party in LA.”

Really, things are going to get heated at the hottest party. Isn’t that what makes it a hot party? It’s not like things would cool off at the hottest party, would it?

So the premise of the first episode is that the 9 dudes that want to have a bromance with Brody have to bring the hottest girls to a party that night. And we’re off…

“This competition is too easy. Talking to hot girls. That’s what I do in my sleep,” says contestant Femi. You talk to hot girls in your sleep? Is that a skill? Are they impressed by that? Do you have narcolepsy? What the hell kind of name is Femi? Femi then gets told “drop dead” by a female about 10 seconds later. Karma.

Chris P. might be my favorite contestant. He’s wearing a polo hat backwards with a bright yellow polo shirt and some madras shorts. He looks like a cross between an Ole Miss frat guy and a Ralph Lauren ad for special people. He then precedes to take his shirt to try to convince some girls to come to the party. They look perplexed.

Chris F. has the right idea. If you need to get shallow girls to come to a retarded celebrity’s party, why would you go anywhere else but Hooters?

Jered, wearing his tank top, spiked gelled hair and two earrings, says this competition plays right to his strength. I hate to tell you this Jered, but the only competition that plays to your strength would be a Trivial Pursuit game with Hansel and Zoolander.

The unintentional comedy scale was shattered as one contestant, wearing no shirt and a sombrero, asks, “How do you spell lingerie?”

As the guys are in their house, walking around topless, I notice there’s a huge ceramic hot dog on one of the walls. First off, do most dudes that have never met just walk around like it’s a locker room? Second, is the hot dog a subliming message? How can I not see three guys in no shirts and a ceramic hot dog and not immediately think “sausage fest.”

I also love MTV’s play on the confessional cam, called the can-fessional, because it’s set up in the bathroom. Stay classy MTV!

Brody now has to meet up with his friends, Frankie and Sleazy T. No comment.

Brody then tells Frankie to be nice to these bromance contestants. One of the most moving moments in TV history occurs as Frankie, choked up, says, “I don’t understand why you need more friends.” Awww, Frankie is scared he’s getting replaced by bromance contestants.

“From what I know about Brody, he lives like the sickest life right now,” Luke says. No comment.

One contestant tells a girl on the phone, “I need you to get here as fast as you can right now.” As opposed to getting somewhere as fast as you can later on?

Brody says, “Gay dudes get all the chicks. I’m gonna start surrounding myself with gay dudes.” Bromance in a nutshell.

Femi says, “Is Michael Jordan going to score. Yes I am.” What the hell does that mean?

“I’ve never been west of Maryland,” Alex says. Isn’t that on the East coast? Can’t you just say you’ve never left the East Coast. Alex probably would answer the question, “How old are you,” by saying, “I’ve never been older than 27.”

Femi just brokedance in the club and said, “I can spin on my dick.” Good to know.

Jered is a lifeguard. Explains everything.

I’ve never heard the word bromance be exchanged so many times in a 5 minute span. It’s not a good thing.

“Tonight was just too real,” Gary says. Yeah, you get free drinks in the middle of Hollywood with a pseudo-celebrity. That’s as real as it gets. “History in the making,” Gary continues. Yeah, the discovery of fire, the birth of Jesus, Pearl Harbor, and the Brody Jenner Bromance Party.

I’m a big fan of Luke’s hat that says, “Luke.” I wonder if he boxers say, “Douche.”

Is there anything worse than having Brody Jenner call you fake?

Michael, the gay contestant, feels uncomfortable with all the other dudes making sexual references so he asks to speak to Brody in private. All the other guys get jealous and think he’s “strategizing” and “trying to get alone time.” Is this really happening?

Poor Michael decides to leave because Bromance wasn’t enough like The Hills. Whoops.

Words you should never say in a room with 9 other guys. “Imagine having sex right here.” Is that an offer? I’m concerned this show might cause me to see some things I won’t be able to unsee.

Is there anything more uncomfortable than watching Brody sit in a hot tub with 8 guys and decide which one doesn’t have the proper Bromance potential.

“If you talk a big game, you have to back it up,” says Brody. Words to live by.

“Real knows real.” What the hell does that mean?

They’re showing some of the clips from upcoming episodes, and let’s just say it involves multiple guys crying. Sign me up. If you need further enticement, here’s a preview below (and typing bromance into youtube and hitting search was one of the scariest moments of my life).



Chris