Saturday, April 16, 2011

We can't quit you Rick Reilly

Neither Graham nor I have posted in months. We’ve both been busy with, uh, going to our jobs and watching sports. It’s hard out here for a pimp! Regardless, the entire point of this blog is pretty much to make fun of sports media members 5 times a year. What better way for RTS to jump back into the blogging scene than a Rick Reilly column on the NBA. Sometimes, it’s just too easy.

Reilly: New Orleans Hornets vs. Los Angeles Lakers -- Forget it. Without David West, even Chris Paul on a "Limitless" pill can't win two games in this series. Lakers in 5, and Paul calls Student Movers the next day.

Chris: Doesn't the limitless pill make you realize your full potential? Wouldn't we agree Chris Paul has already done that? What, it would take him from 95% of his potential to 100%. What a big fucking jump. And what a bold move to say the Lakers in 5. Uh, this is a sweep.

Graham: The Chris Paul Limitless pill. I haven't seen the movie, but from the trailer it supposed the pill can make you 100% in every aspect of your life. So how would Chris Paul all of a sudden correctly predicting the stock market have any effect on his game? Can it fix his knee?

Chris: Yeah, I'm still confused by this one. Shouldn't the line have been "not even Chris Paul with Greg Anderson as his trainer could save the Hornets."

Reilly: The Thunder, everybody's cool new kid in class, is about to get a wedgie in front of the whole playground.

Chris: Weren't the Thunder good last year? How is this team "new"?

Reilly: Never pick a team with Zach Randolph on it. He has an extra punk chromosome. What's remarkable is that Memphis coach Lionel Hollins looked like a guy TRYING to lose so he could play the Spurs in the first round.

Chris: Don't even get me started. Congrats on showing you haven't seen Zach Randolph play the last 2 years. And the Grizz had 3 options - win twice and maybe get Dallas or LA. Go 1-1 and maybe get Dallas or LA. Go 0-2, rest your best players, play the Spurs. It's not like any of these scenarios were ideal.

Reilly: What do Oasis, Winona Ryder and the Mavericks have in common? They're massive underachievers.

Chris: Oasis and Winona Ryder? Way to keep up with current pop culture Rick! I bet he had to google Oasis and Ryder too.

Graham: Can you really call Oasis underachievers? They were one of the biggest bands of the 90s! They sold 100 million albums! And Winona Ryder can't act so the fact she got as big as she did is amazing in itself.

Chris: I was so perplexed by the mid '90s references that I forgot to get offended by the shot at Oasis. I like Oasis!

Reilly: Philadelphia 76ers vs. Miami Heat -- The Heat are fueled by emotion more than any other team in the league. The world will be watching them in this series.

Chris: Nope, everyone will be watching Celtics-Knicks buddy. No one cares about Miami till the next round. This series couldn't be less exciting.

Reilly: New York Knicks vs. Boston Celtics -- Boston is the John McCain of these playoffs. Great story, good ideas, too old. If New York had just one more big, it could win this, but it insisted on Chauncey Billups instead. Plus, Rajon Rondo is a god.

Chris: Wait, John McCain is a great story? What story is that? And how is Boston a great story? Aren't they a tired story? Aging vets try for one last ring. And how are the Celtics a "good idea." If the idea was to trade a young low post defender, rebounder and intimidator because you have washed up Shaq and Jermaine O'Neal, then yeah, they are a good idea. And wasn't Chauncey part of the trade for cap reasons? And what "big" did Denver want to give them? Chris Anderson? And Rajon Rondo is a god? The god of crappy free throws, I suppose.

And Reilly picked Denver over San Antonio. Awesome. I give Denver in the Conference finals a .05% chance of happening. There's a greater chance Winona Rider becomes a star again.

Reilly: Boston vs. Miami -- The showcase series of the playoffs. So many stars, some are in the third row. Rondo locks up Dwyane Wade, but LeBron, making up for the hot mess he put on in the 2010 playoffs, averages 38 and 8 and three new dance moves a night. Boston might've won this if it'd known Shaq was going to be the first superstar to retire and still show up for games.

Chris: Rondo locks up D-Wade? By locks up, you mean, forces him straight into the paint where Shaq fouls him hard as shit, then yeah, Rondo locks him up. Boston was a "great idea" the last series, but now they are the morons that trusted in a washed up Shaq.

Reilly: Denver vs. Los Angeles -- This one is as one-sided as The Falkland Islands War.

Chris: Any time you can reference a war that lasted 74 days 28 years ago, you have to.

Graham: Falkland Islands War. Wow. 96% of his audience will have no idea what he's talking about. It would be like making a joke about the Quebec separatist movement. In fact, I'd like to see that.

Chris: Graham, you're completely wrong on this. I'm guessing 96% of Reilly's audience is some middle aged man who paid attention to the Falkland Islands War back in 1982, you know, when I was 2 years old.

Reilly: Miami vs. Chicago -- With home-court advantage, the Bulls weather the wave after wave of attacks on Rose.

Chris: So the homecourt advantage allows the Bulls to weather attacks on Rose. Do the fans get involved or something? And if they didn't have homecourt advantage, then the Bulls would just quit if D-Rose gets knocked down? I’m so confused.

Reilly: Los Angeles vs. Chicago -- The Lakers fall apart like a Jenga tower. Andrew Bynum's legs give out. Kobe's shoulder gives out. Pau Gasol's knee gives out. Rose is so quick and full of energy against the Lakers, he looks like a squirrel trapped inside an assisted living home. Bulls in 6, Rose in full bloom. Don't need to dream that.

Chris: So he's betting that the Lakers sustain injuries to their 2 best players and 3 of their top 4 players and still take the series to 6 games. Are the Lakers tied 2-2 and then everyone gets injured at the same time? How does this work? A squirrel trapped inside an assisted living home? I'll have to take Reilly's word on that, since he's old enough to live in one.

Graham: How is a squirrel trapped in an assisted living home any more energetic than a squirrel trapped in a regular home? Or a school? Or a library? Or really, any other edifice of any kind?

Chris: And if it's trapped, does it have as much energy? Shouldn't it be a squirrel running lose in an assisted living home? And I suppose the assisted living home is a shot at the Lakers age, you know, since they are all 15-20 years younger than Reilly.


Macso said...

this guy is a joke. i was so taken aback by the zach randolph punk comment i googled "zach randolph rick reilly" and it got me here. i feel validated now that i know somebody made a post refuting this absurd article. i'm not one to throw race into the discussion often, but i think this says something about reilly's perception of black players. lebron invents a new dance? rick reilly is a hack.

Chris said...

rick reilly isn't a hack...only because hack isn't strong enough. what's worse than a hack?

Anonymous said...

rick reilly is a known raciest. he attacks sosa, bonds, barkley, and defends the dirtiest athlete of all time lance armstrong, he even has the audacity to pretend that he cares about africa by gravy training donations to the tune of 24 million dollars. he is a KNOB

Abigail Bukai said...

What's up, well put together internet site you have got at this time there.