The L-ster Club

Saying that a previous post about Latrell Sprewell was the most popular RTS post of all-time is akin to saying that “Your Love” is the best song by The Outfield. It's not like there were a lot of nominees. Any post that receive 1 comment is gold in our book, so when the Sprewell post got 14 comments (including some spam!), well, I had to go back to the well again. (You try to use “well” twice in a sentence, it’s not that easy.)

I went through my vault of dorky childhood things and pulled out another gem. It’s a letter and fan club application to Larry Johnson’s fan club. You can click on the pictures for larger images.

Let’s discuss the below letter first.


I love the fact that “great news” is bold, underlined, in all CAPS and has an exclamation point. I’m going to do this on my work emails from now on. Anything that’s important can’t simply be bolded or underlined. I’m taking it a step further. Let’s try it out. “I’m out on VACATION! this week but will respond to ALL EMAILS WHEN I RETURN!.” That isn’t going to get old, AT ALL!. Also, I think the guy typing out this letter forgot to underline “FREE”. He probably got fired.

Next, Larry Johnson tries to get me to pimp out his fan club to all my friends. Shame on you Larry. You shouldn’t even need my help since you already said you get “enormous amounts of mail.”

For Larry’s closing, he wishes me “Peace and God Bless.” That can’t hold a candle to Latrell’s “Yours in Basketball.”

Now, let’s discuss the fan club flyer.


Who thought up the brilliant name, “L-ster Club.” It sounds like a weekly meeting for pedophiles. I keep looking at it and thinking lester club, as in molester. Did he not go by “LJ” or “Grandmama” yet?

Next, the bottom of the order form is torn off so I’m sure I joined the free club. I’m distraught that I don’t have the membership card still. Think of the access that bad boy would've given me. I'm at All-Star weekend, trying to get in the club, waiting in line and flash the "L-ster Club" membership card. It would be just that easy.

I’m even more pissed that I didn’t join the MVP version for $18 and get a “L-ster t-shirt.” I would wear that thing everywhere. There's no sense dwelling on the missed opportunity now. I suppose we all have regrets from the past, just like Larry probably regrets forming “The L-ster Club.”



Chris

March Stumbles (links)

Time to catch up on the stumbles (links). Here’s what’s I’ve come across on the web over the last month or so.

Why aren’t beer commercials funny anymore? I miss Miller Lite’s “Man Laws.” At least Bud Light is still bringing it.



How can you not want to watch a trailer for “MACGRUBER: The Ultimate Tool”?

Are you a fan of farts on TV? Then I’ve got the video for you.
Yes, I’m 29.



Do you like jingles? Do you like pork? Here you go.

I love the fact that this guy is a PE teacher.

Cars crashing in the snow never gets old. NEVER.



Canucklehead.ca probably contains my favorite images on the web. Here’s why.

I’m still waiting to use this website for a prank. Here people list what services they’ll provide for $5. One of them is a wake up call. I’m going to use it with Graham’s phone number for 5 a.m. on a Saturday morning soon enough.

Birds 1, reporter 0.



Whenever I’m having a bad day, I just click on this video and all my cares seem to melt away.



I’m putting Dehli on my "travel to" list just to witness this in person.



Plays like this convince me that I should just quit playing basketball. Then I watch the fat people falling video and everything turns out alright.



Even if this kid took this picture as a joke, well, it’s etched in Internet lore forever.

Creepiest family photo ever.



Chris

Chris' March Madness Picks (Updated with Graham's picks)

Since tomorrow starts my second favorite sports weekend of the year, I suppose I should go on record with my March Madness picks. I’d taunt Graham and compare picks, but the tournament is a crapshoot and neither one of us has watched a great deal of college basketball. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve watched a full game of any college team save for the University of Memphis, and they aren’t in the tournament. I did fall asleep to Ole Miss-Tennessee earlier this year. Maybe that will help me out.

I’ve filled out about 10 brackets cause I love hedging my bets and ending up in 2nd place in multiple formats. But I guess if someone held a gun to my head and made me place bets, here’s how I would predict it shakes down.

Round 1 Upsets
I’m not going to list all the higher seeds that win. I simply think these lower seeds will advance past round 1.
Northern Iowa
Georgia Tech
Murray State
Louisville
Siena
St. Mary’s
Yep, pretty exciting, out of 32 games, I think a whopping 6 will be upsets.

Sweet 16 teams
Kansas
Maryland
Georgetown
Ohio State
Gonzaga
Butler
Xavier
Kansas State
Kentucky
Temple
Marquette
West Virginia
Duke
Texas A&M
Baylor
Villanova

Elite 8
Kansas
Georgetown
Gonzaga
Kansas State
Kentucky
West Virginia
Duke
Baylor

Final 4
Kansas
Kansas State
Kentucky
Duke

Final Game
Kansas beats Kentucky

I had to throw a few upsets in there. I know picking all number 1 seeds and a number 2 seed is pretty lame, but honestly, aren’t Kansas and Kentucky the best 2 teams? I know that doesn’t mean they’ll play each other, but hell, the percentages are in their favor. I don’t like Syracuse or Duke that much. I like Ohio State, Georgetown and West Virginia, but they’re stuck in the Kansas/Kentucky brackets. That just sucks. I hate when my sleepers get thrown in with the favorites. I could really see any team coming out of the Syracuse or Duke brackets. It wouldn’t shock me if it was a double digit seed. Oh well. Run to your bookie and bet the farm against these picks.

Graham's Picks

I have not watched a single second of college basketball this season. I occasionally glance at an article in Sports Illustrated while I'm taking a dump, but that's about it.

Although, that research taught me that for all its talent and wins, Kansas has been inconsistent this year. That worries me. So I'm not taking them in the Final 4. Instead, I have Ohio State coming out of that region. Why? Because I really like Mark Titus' blog Club Trillion. If I ever meet him, he will get an official RTS one-armed embrace. Plus, apparently Evan "The Villain" Turner is a badass. So there's that.

What other nuggets can I give you? I have a feeling about Washington. Granted, I say that every year and it never pans out. But I see a run to the Sweet 16.

Who else? Even though someone from Syracuse is hurt, I like them anyway.

How's that for analysis?

On to the picks:

Sweet 16:
Kansas
Maryland (does Juan Dixon still play for them?)
Georgetown
Ohio State

Syracuse
Butler (Because he's my butler)
Pittsburgh
Kansas State

Kentucky
Wisconsin (Go Packers)
Washington
West Virginia

Duke
Texas A&M
Baylor
Villanova

Elite 8:
Kansas
Ohio State

Syracuse
Kansas State

Kentucky
West Virginia

Duke
Baylor

So to recap, my elite eights are four #1s, three #2s and a #3. Not only did I not go out on a limb, I didn't even climb up the tree.

Final 4:
Ohio State
Syracuse

Kentucky
Duke

Final:
Ohio State over Kentucky.

There it is folks, take it to the bank. Good luck.

Trading Places

Okay, I don't know why I was thinking about this, but here's the premise.

Tomorrow, you are going to wake up and assume the role of the main character of a movie. Whatever happens to this character, it will happen to you. However the movie ends is how it will end for you. Now, you can pick 1 movie to veto. Other than that, everything is in play. What movie do you veto? Conversely, if you could pick the ideal movie to happen to you, what movie would you pick. The only rules are that the movie has to be released at the theater (no b-movies, no obscure direct to DVD movies, no porn), and if a movie has sequels, all of those things would happen to you as well. Obviously, most of the bad movie picks would revolve around horror plots, so I picked 1 movie from each of the following categories: horror, comedy, drama, action and misc. movies. Here's what I came up with.

Movies I would veto

Horror - Hostel
I'm pretty sure the main character lives but goes through a ton of shit to get out alive. I think any horror movie is really fair game.

Drama - American History X
I'm not sure if this is action or drama. I suppose it's drama. Pretty much any movie that involves me getting raped is high on the list of veto. I think this scenario is worse than Shawshank Redemption because the rape was probably more brutal, you have a huge Nazi tattoo on your chest for life, I would have to curb someone at some point and I don't make a lifetime bromance with a old wise dude named Red.

Action - Saving Private Ryan
Tomorrow, I'm jumping out of a death boat and watching tons of my countrymen die. I survive for about 3 more weeks before getting shot just to save Matt Damon.

Comedy - Raising Arizona
I'm a career criminal who kidnaps a baby thanks to my crazy wife's barren needs. I live in a trailer. My best friends just busted out of jail and want to crash with me. Oh yeah, and I get my ass kicked by this huge, scary son of a bitch.

Misc - Seven
I'm going to investigate a bunch of brutal, gruesome muders, have my prego wife's head get chopped off and then I'm going to jail for murder. Good times! I put this as misc. cause I wasn't sure if it was drama, horror or action.

Dream Scenarios

Horror - Uh, none.
What about something like Zombieland? Is that a horror movie? Can I just wake up and hang out with Woody Harrelson and kill zombies?

Drama - The Karate Kid
I get to go back to high school, learn how to kick ass, play putt putt with Elizabeth Shue and have a montage made to "You're the Best." Oh yeah, and isn't he from Jersey, so I could hit up the Jersey Shore whenever I visited family.

Action - Fast and Furious
Anyone that says they don't want to be Paul Walker is lieing.

Comedy - Animal House
That one is too easy. I suppose Anchorman or Old School would be in the mix. Beerfest and Super Troopers were in play, but since there isn't a true main character, I assume I'd randomly be one of the guys and could end up as the man whore or Favra and that wouldn't be cool.

Misc - Back to the Future
I get to go to the past, to the future and to the Old West. The only other movie that could possibly be in the mix would be Star Wars simply for the use of the force and light saber. But I'd have to get my hand chopped off.