An NFL Preview, Andre Brown Style

Greetings RTS reader, it’s been awhile. I’m sorry I haven’t called. It’s not you, it’s me. I’ve been a horse’s ass, but I think we can still work things out. I got you a double-whammy of a post to make things right. What if I told you I have an Andre Brown competition mixed with an NFL preview? Does that scratch you where you itch? (If not, point to the place on the rag doll where you do need scratching and Graham will take care of it for you).

Here’s the complex game I devised in the doldrums of August to put Andre Brown up for grabs (and for those scoring at home, Graham has never possessed the coveted Andre Brown). We’re drafting NFL Teams, snake draft style. Each person will end up with 16 teams. You have to draft a team based on whether you think they are a Winner (like me) or a Loser (like Graham). Each person must pick 8 winners and 8 losers. Still reading? Each person will get 1 point for every win their winners get, and 1 point for ever loss their losers get. How we found women to marry us, we’ll never know? Below is how it went down:

Chris:

So it's a snake draft right? So you want 1st pick or 2nd/3rd? I'm fine either way.

Graham:

I'll take 2nd/3rd. And just to clarify- if I pick a winner, it's 1 point per win, and if I pick a loser, it's one point per loss, right? And admit it- you, as a Dolphins fan, want me to take the Dolphins as a loser so you don't have to.

Chris:

Yep, winners get 1 point for the win and losers get 1 point for the loss. You can only have 8 winners and 8 losers, though, not mix and match. I'm taking the Dolphins as a winner with my number 1 pick. Wait, nevermind, I'll take the Patriots as a winner.

Graham:

Alright, gotcha. Obviously, as a Green Bay fan, I'm taking Green Bay as my first winner, and I'm staying in the division to take Minnesota as my first loser. Do me proud, Christian Ponder!

Chris:

Yeah, I was torn between New England and Green Bay. I figured I'd rather have a team that choked in the Super Bowl than a team that choked at home in the Conference Finals Semis. So normally this is where I'd take the Saints, but I'm not sure what the hell is up with them this year without a real head coach. So give me 2 losers - the Jacksonville Jaguars and Cleveland Browns...come on down!

Graham:

I love how everyone is giving me crap about the Packers' playoff loss last year. How many teams would trade their situation for a Super Bowl, followed by a 15-1 season? Anyway, this is where things get tough on the winners' side. I think New England and Green Bay are both locks for 12+ wins, but I can't say that for any other team. I'm leery of New Orleans, but I'm taking them anyway. The roster is mostly intact from last year, and Brees really controls the offense on the field, so I think they can remain strong. On the flip side, I'm taking Arizona as a loser. They just seem like a disaster to me.

Chris:

This is legit exciting. I was "hoping" that my next 2 picks would fall to me. The Tampa Bay Bucs and the Atlanta Falcons. I figure Tampa Bay sucked last year, they have a rookie head coach from Rutgers, and their offense consists of Josh Freeman, Vincent Jackson and no one else. As for Atlanta, they seem like the ideal regular season team that beats up on bad teams and struggles against good teams. But I'm almost positive they have the easiest schedule in the league, so I'm thinking 11 wins might be pretty easy for them.

Graham:

You can have Tampa. Tough division, but I think they have potential. I'm taking Houston as a winner in this round- 6 games this year vs. Indy, Tennessee and Jacksonville. They could go 6-0 in the division. On the flip side, let's hear it for the Chiefs! I hate that team, and not just because Jamaal Charles torpedoed my fantasy team last year with his ACL tear. Matt Cassel hasn't shown much, Dwayne Bowe just got to camp, and the Charles (coming off ACL injury)/Peyton Hillis (he's Peyton Hillis) backfield combo does nothing for me.

Chris:

Houston was on my radar, but I believe in the Bucs ability to suck more than the Texans ability to blow (teams out). See what I did there. Now is where it's starting to get tough. I think I'm going with the Ravens (10 wins pretty much every year) and the Giants. What does it say about us that the Defending Super Bowl champs, and winners of 2 super bowls in the past, what 4 or 5 years, go so low.

Graham:

Everyone throws around the word "disrespect" way too much in sports, but the Giants might have a legit claim. The core of two Super Bowl teams is intact and the response is "meh". Anyway, time to pick two teams who are usually good regular season teams, and terrible playoff teams: let's hear it for San Diego and Chicago!

Chris:

Man, this hurts. Give me the Steelers and the Dolphins.

Graham:

Terrible strategy on your part right there. Why not just wait for me to take Miami as a loser? Are you actually going to cheer for them to win? I figured if anything they'd be your eighth winner. This is a new low. But yeah, definitely keep making fun of me for the Packers losing the playoffs last year. Anyway, back to my picks. Taking Dallas as a winner and Tennessee as a loser. I think the Titans might be really bad this year. Good luck, Jake Locker.

Chris:

See, I figured you thought that I would never, ever, dare take Miami as a loser, so you figured one of two things would happen. Either A) you could get Miami as your 8th loser, which would be a steal, or B) you would force Miami to be my 8th winner, which would be dumb. I'm never going to cheer for Miami to lose, and I hope they prove me wrong and win 10 games. But you know what, if they're sitting at 2-7, I'd be hoping they'd lose for a better draft pick anyway, so this doesn't really change anything. If there's one thing being a post-Marino Dolphins fan has taught me, it's that we suck. No point in screwing up Andre Brown with blind faith. Give me the Broncos and 49ers as winners.

Graham:

Interesting part of the draft now: what do you do with teams like Washington and Buffalo? Anyway, time to take two more losers: Oakland and Indy. And remember when I said I have a lot of work to do and might not be able to do this quickly? This has been way more interesting than I'd anticipated.

Chris:

Yeah, this has been fantastic. I think if you put the words NFL and Draft into a sentence, I'm going to like it, well, except for the actual NFL Draft. Anyway, did the Rams slip all this way? Did I miss something? Also, I was debating picking Dallas here as a loser, and then low and behold, saw you had them as a winner. That made me smile. Give me the Rams and Bills as losers.

Graham:

I like Dallas this year, they have a great defense. I'm reluctantly taking Philly as a winner, and not reluctantly taking Seattle as a loser.

Chris:

Yeah, Seattle was the last clear loser left. I'm going to go against the grain here a little and take Carolina as a winner, and the Bengals as a loser.

Graham:

OK, that leaves us Washington, Detroit and the Jets. I'll take Detroit in the winners category (three teams in one division, lovely), and the Jets as losers. That leaves Washington as your last loser.

Chris:

I'm going to put this on my fridge and can't wait for Margie to try and understand it. I love my first 5 losers (Jaguars, Browns, Bucs, Dolphins & Rams). I honestly think JAX and Cleveland could end up with a total of 4 wins. They suck. And man, the Dolphins were 0-7 at one point last year, and now they have a rookie head coach, rookie QB and lost their best offensive player last year. FML, they might win 2 games as well. I think the winners shook out pretty well. You got 6 of your 8 winners in the NFC. How did that happen? Mathematically, that can't be good, right?

Graham:

We really are idiots. Anyway, I'm more worried about having 3 NFC North teams as winners. Green Bay was a no-brainer, Chicago was the best available at that time, then I avoided Detroit until I got stuck with them at the end. Now I can't wait for Andrew Luck to take advantage of a crappy division and lead the Colts to 10 wins just to screw me.

Chris:

I think Indy does well this year. Something like 7-9 and respectable in a lot of games. I've got Reggie Wayne pegged as a fantasy sleeper. I mean, he had Curtis Painter throwing to him last year and he still got 900 yards. That's more impressive than any of his Peyton years.

Graham:

I'm actually psyched about my Tennessee loser pick. I think they could be awful. Chris Johnson might just storm off the field in Week 3 and never return.

Chris:

At what point do we cheer for injuries?

Graham:

Arian Foster is furious with you right now.

Chris:

What happened?

Graham:

His meltdown last year when he got hurt and was pissed at everyone saying he was killing their fantasy teams.

Chris:

(Editor’s note: I’m an Arian Foster fantasy football owner in my serious keeper league) You scared me. I thought he got hurt. I started googling frantically. I have problems.

So, to recap, Graham said, “we are idiots,” and I proclaimed, “I have problems.” That can only mean 1 thing – the NFL is back!

Here are the final picks:

Graham Winners:
1. Green Bay
2. New Orleans

3. Houston

4. San Diego
5. Chicago

6. Dallas

7. Philly

8. Detroit
Graham Losers:
1. Minnesota

2. Arizona
3. Kansas City

4. Tennessee
5. Oakland
6. Indy

7. Seattle

8. NYJ

Chris Winners:
1. New England
2. Atlanta Falcons
3. Baltimore Ravens
4. New York Giants
5. Pittsburgh Steelers
6. Denver Broncos
7. San Fran 49ers
8. Carolina Panthers
Chris Losers:
1. Jacksonville Jaguars
2. Cleveland Browns
3. Tampa Bay Bucs
4. Miami Dolphins
5. St. Louis Rams
6. Buffalo Bills
7. Cincinnati Bengals

8. Washington