Sunday, June 20, 2010

Sunday Afternoon Movie Special: Never Back Down

I’m a man of the people. So when the RTS fan base clamors for another running commentary of a movie, I’ve got to give the people what they want. Today’s Sunday afternoon feature: Never Back Down. Let’s bring it on.

Rainy high school football game. The game is being broadcast on the radio. That happens a lot in high school football, right? Uh oh, the opposing team just started talking about someone’s Dad. We got a fight brewing. Billy Badass, er, Tyler ,is beating up everyone in sight. Looks like Tyler is moving to Orlando. And cue the plot…

I love how this guy just played a stellar football game, got into a huge brawl and what does he have to show for it, one minor band-aid above his eyebrow.

I thought his name was Tyler. It’s Jake. My bad Jake, don’t beat me up. Jake is flashing back to moments with his father. And a regaee-infused emo song leads to the moving montage.

Somehow this guy moved from Iowa to Florida, unpacked and made it to high school within a 3-minute song. That’s impressive. He gets to school, goes to the football field, takes 1 bite of an apple and then walks off. This guy lives his life in fast forward or something. I’m confused.

Uh oh, Jake happened upon a fight and goes to break it up. But it’s not a real fight, it’s a backyard MMA fight! I never saw this coming!

Jake’s in class and he’s not just a meathead. He’s talking about Achilles. Color me intrigued by Jake. And so is the random blond named, “Baha.” What are the chances that this blond has a violent boyfriend that isn’t going to take kindly to Jake?

Max waddles up to Jake at lunch at school. Max is the happy-go-lucky fighter that wants to help Jake become a super fighter. Max will now teach Jake the way of the MMA fighter. He’s like a teenage Mr. Miyagi.

Football fighting montage as Jake walks through the halls of high school! “And I’m tired of backing down…” This song is amazing.

Uh oh, Jake just got invited to a party by Baha. “How it feels to be alive….!”

Jake’s at the high school party and greeted by Max. How come high school parties in the movies are the most absurd representation ever? Actually, I never went to parties in high school but I assume they weren’t like they are in the movies. I’d ask Graham but I know he didn’t go to parties either.

So they’re running a backyard fight club at the party. I’m thinking Jake is going to fight soon. Can I wager on this?

Slow-mo intro of Baha. Soothing music plays. But it’s interrupted as Jake’s got to fight Baha’s boyfriend. Shocker!

Jake doesn’t want to fight. He’s not just a brawler like these other guys. This Jake is tough to read.

Baha’s boyfriend Brian starts talking smack about Jake’s dad. This is the new version of calling Marty McFly chicken. Nobody talks smack about Jake’s dad!

It’s Jake vs. Brian. Would there be much of a plot of Jake won?

Man, my boy Jake got it handed to him. I think he should go find an older, wiser fight guru to train him for about 45 minutes and then come back, beat up Brian, steal Baha and ride off into the sunset. That sounds way too farfetched. He probably just goes home, focuses on school and forgets this ever happened.

I think we’re on the 3rd montage of the movie and it’s only 20 minutes in. Can they make a movie with just montages and slow-motion footage? Everything seems cooler with a montage. Hell, Jake’s little brother just microwaved a pizza in the montage and it was the coolest pizza making experience I’ve ever seen.

Brian’s name is Ryan. I’m terrible with these people’s names. Can I just refer to Brian/Ryan as the blond douche? I think that works better. We’ll go with BD for short.

Max tells Jake about where to go train. And he shows up! My dream scenario is happening. He might take on BD and win Baha after all.

A training montage! With a song that I like by TV on the Radio. I’m actually embarrassed that a song I like is in this movie. Wait, no I’m not. How come 75% of all training, no matter the sport, involves a massive rope climbing exercise? Who sells these ropes? I wouldn’t even know where to go to get one. Home Depot? I should walk in Home Depot and say, “I need a huge rope…I want to train to fight and climbing a rope seems like the most logical place to start.”

Jake’s MMA-guru tells him the one rule, “No fighting outside the gym.” I have a weird feeling Jake breaks this rule.

Baha shows up at Jake’s door. I think she’s torn between BD and Jake. I am too! Jake isn’t having any of this. Baha set him up. Good for you Jake. I’m sure you’ll stay mad at her for the next 70 minutes.

I think we’re on the 5th montage of the movie. And it’s a back- to-back training montage. I can’t argue with the name of the movie going with the title “Never Back Down”, cause that’s what I got tattooed on my heart, but seriously, “Montage” would’ve been more accurate.

And we’re back in high school. I think Jake’s been in town for 2 weeks or so and he’s been in class twice. And the two times he’s been in class, it’s been English class. I guess they don’t do math down in Orlando.

Looks like Baha is breaking up with BD. She’s in love with Jake! I’m so excited for them. I bet they have awesome babies.

Jake’s pissed off. BD talked some smack about his old man again. This isn’t good. And Jake is randomly fighting 5 dudes in the middle of the street. Talk about road rage..zing!

BD just took Jake down in the bathroom. BD talked in a creepy whisper about making it through, “The Beatdown.” There’s a decent chance BD is homosexual and takes pleasure in beating boys down. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Jake’s fighting with his Mom. Mom yells, “You think you’re the only one that wants to break stuff. I can break stuff too!” It was the worst piece of acting I’ve ever seen. It’s official. Eat your heart out Keanu Reeves.

Introspective song plays as Jake walks to his room in slow-mo. Pretty much the coolest footage ever of a kid walking to his room.

Training montage number uh, who’s keeping count anymore? Look at the songs used in this movie. Is this the worst collection of music assembled since the Monsters of Rock series?

This montage includes the eating of raw eggs. And Jake racing his black guru near the ocean. Did the director of this movie just watch all Rocky montages and then re-act them with teenagers? If so, checkmate by the director.

Jake apologizes to Baha and they start making out on a coffee shop patio. If only Jake can somehow beat up BD, then I’ll have predicted this entire movie. I should head to Vegas immediately.

I realize now why this movie has so many montages. The rest of the movie is completely boring. Every scene with Jake’s mother is torture. Torture might not be a strong enough word. What’s worse than torture? Prison rape? Every scene with Jake’s mother is worse than prison rape. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Wait, yes there is.

Jake’s turning down a chance at “The Beatdown” to spend time with Baha. Jake needs to get his priorities straight. They messed up the plot. Jake isn’t supposed to get the girl till he beats BD. Sigh…

BD is pissed off that Jake isn’t fighting at the beatdown. So he brings Max back to his crib. And now BD and Max are play fighting. This will end well. BD kicks Max’s ass and drops him off at Jake’s house. I bet this leads Jake to enter the beatdown and try to take out BD for Max.

“Walking away and giving up aren’t the same thing.” Can I retroactively make that my senior quote? It’s by the wise philosopher Baha.

“Doing nothing has consequences too, “ says Jake.

“You can’t live in the past, my friend” says MMA guru.

How many Oscars did this win? I know Best Screenplay for sure, but I’m thinking it might’ve gotten Best Picture as well.

“Sometimes fighting the fight means doing the one thing you don’t want to do…win, lose, it makes no difference. It ends tonight. This is my fight. Everyone’s got one.” Well done Jake Tyler.

Getting ready for the beatdown montage.

And Jake Tyler checks into the beatdown. I’m so nervous. I hope he wins.

Beatdown montage as Jake and BD both kick some ass. I bet they make the finals.

Oh no, in his quarterfinal fight, Jake Tyler gets some ribs broken. How come every fighting movie involves the hero getting hurt before his final fight? This even happens in “Gladiator”. Is it some sort of unwritten screenwriting rule?

BD gets disqualified for eye gouging. Tyler quits cause he wants to fight BD. Looks like they’ll go at in the in parking lot instead, cause they’re true brawlers.

And it’s on. The final fight between BD and Jake. Will he avenge Max? Will he avenge his prior humiliation? There’s too many storylines to count. Oh wait, no, those were the only two.

BD is winning. Jake is hurt. Baha is crying. The last hour of Jake’s life passes before his eyes, he turns into a killing machine and knocks out BD. Does this really work? I’m going to try this the next time I play Madden.

Baha and Jake embrace. Time for the happiness montage.



Gary said...

I think you should focus on writing at least one of these per week, but only for movies of this quality.

Chris said...

A positive comment from Gary...suck it Graham!

Here's some previous reviews for you:

Gary said...

nice work on those. you gotta do the markey mark movie "Fear."

one correction: everyone knows the greatest movie ever made is "Vanilla Ice is...Cool As Ice" and yes, I saw it in the theater.

Chris said...

I like where your head is at Gary. I love the movie Fear. It's on my agenda.

Wow, I never saw Cool as Ice, although I did like the Ice song, Ninja Rap on TMNT2.

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