Thursday, June 3, 2010

I'm back...

I took a vacation in which my airline customer service agents, yes, plural, told me to re-book a new flight cause mine was canceled, which caused me to spend a night in Atlanta, fly to Philly instead of the Big Apple a day late, rent a car, drive to LaGuardia to pick up my bag from my flight that, amazingly, didn’t get canceled and you know what I’m about to rant about, why, Entertainment Weekly’s 100 Greatest Characters of the Past 20 Years.

I had to let some of the rankings slide simply because I know I’m not the demographic but at least recognize that these characters are popular with a host of people, such as: Harry Potter (#2), Carrie Bradshaw (#9), Madea (#28), Elmo (#38), and well, you get the idea.

And some of the rankings I had to let go simply cause I didn't even know much about them and thus couldn't properly make fun of them. But generally, if someone makes a Top 100 list, I should know who they are. But, I'm forgiving today.

Here’s the ones I can’t let go.

#3 – Buffy
Really, no character that appears on The CW, or WB, or whatever the hell it’s called, should be allowed on this list. As a matter of fact, I don’t know one person that ever watched this show. And I know some pretty big losers.

#6 – Rachel Green (from Friends)
I’m not simply trying to bag on the ladies, and I accept that Friends had it’s moments, but weren’t Rachel and Ross completely lame and miserable? Am I missing something?

#11 – Cosmo Kramer
I’m as big a Seinfeld fan as there is. Still watch it several times a week. I have no problem with Kramer ranking in this high, but no other Seinfeld character made the list. The most popular TV show of the past 20 years, which was an ensemble comedy, only gets 1 character?

#17 – Lara Croft (from the video game Tomb Raider)
A video game character makes the top 17, and it’s Lara Croft. Call me crazy, but I don’t really find video games to have characters, since, you know, the user controls everything, but even if you were going to put a video game person on here, shouldn’t it be the dude from Grand Theft Auto?

#18 – Someone from Glee
If a show hasn’t even finished a season yet, it can’t make the list. I didn’t make the rules. Wait, yes I did.

#19 – Morpheus
I don’t want to get too dorky on this but wasn’t Neo the savior? I feel like they just put Morpheus on here cause they needed another black dude. Which leads to...

#20 – Ally McBeal
I let Bridget Jones go at #16 cause I didn’t want to come across as a sexist asshole, but really, uh, these rankings suck so far. Basically, they just picked a legit character, a female, a black dude, a geeky one and repeated itself.

#30 – Stephen Colbert
Is he really a character? Isn’t he Stephen Colbert? Isn’t he nonfiction? I’m sure he would think so. How’s he a character? My head hurts.

#36 – Gollum
I don’t have enough time to rant about Lord of the Rings. I f-ing hate that movie. I hate it as much as one can hate a movie. But I do accept that a lot of idiots like it and idiots buy things, so, you know, EW had to cater to that. But how in middle Earth is Gollum the best character from this series? I saw 1.5 of the movies (before falling asleep) but I do know that all Gollum did was wander around and go, “my precious”, channeling his inner-Ben Roethlisberger on the prowl for coeds before its time. So yeah, that’s a great character. I would link to the LOTR clip from Clerks II, but I’ve already done that on this blog previously. Screw it.

#54 – Juno
Am I the only one that thought this movie sucked? Some smartass 17-year-old gets preggers but maintains her sassiness. Woopty-doo. It was written by some recovering stripper or something, so, you know, that gives it street cred, or makes it cute, or prodigal or whatever. Anyway, no way Juno should make this list. You want a smartass kid, give me Igby from Igby Goes Down.

#59 – Master Chief (from Halo)
Already ranted about video game crap, but once again, isn’t this just a dude in a metal suit with a gun? Master Chief should have to immediately hand this award to Robocop.

#70 – Saturday Night Live’s Mary Katherine Gallagher
One of the golden ages of SNL involved the early ‘90s with Chris Farley, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, etc. and then we had the Will Ferrell era. And yet, the stupid “Superstar” girl makes the list. Maybe the rankers had a catholic school girl fetish. It’s the only reasonable explanation. And yes, I count fetishes as reasonable explanations.

#74 – Don Draper
Buffy is #3 and Don Draper is #74. If that isn’t grounds for shooting the rankers, what is?

#91 – Hancock
This movie sucked. This isn’t even a good Will Smith character. How is Hancock better than the Fresh Prince, the dude from Independence Day or the guy from Men in Black? I’ll tell EW where they can stick their Hancock.

#93 – More Video Game characters
I can’t even rant about this topic anymore. I just had to list this on principle.

Off the top of my head, these were the horrendous omissions. I’m sure there’s plenty more I’ll think about in the middle of the night.

The rest of the main Seinfeld cast, as well as Frank Costanza
Bart Simpson
Mark Walberg’s character from I Heart Huckabees
An Edward Norton character - pick one: Primal Fear, American History X, Fight Club
John McClane
Dwight Shrute
SNL characters (too many to list)
The dynamic Paul Walker/Vin Diesel duo from Fast and Furious



Gary said...

man, I hope Graham is back soon.

Chris said...

Gary, I would take offense to that if you weren't currently serving 16 months for stalking Graham.

Anonymous said...

Great post!

Anonymous said...

Great post!

Abigail Bukai said...
This comment has been removed by the author.