Email Thread - The Fabric of Chris & Graham

As Graham so eloquently noted before, “Being that we spend our days chained to chairs with virtually unfettered internet access, it should come as no surprise that Chris and I exchange a ridiculous amount of e-mails. The e-mails seldom, if ever, get in the way of my actual work, they’re more of an aside between tasks.”

And since Graham and I spend more time mocking each other and the random news/sports stories throughout the week than we do posting blogs, it’s time to let make these emails public. I know, calm down. Why don’t you pour yourself a big class of red wine and get ready to indulge in the awesomeness of the Chris-Graham weekly email thread.

Chris
Suck it Canada. We kicked your ass in hockey. I don't even care about the sport but it's still nice to own you. Isn't hockey your national past-time? You hoser.

Graham
And I'm already tired of the U.S. media proclaiming yesterday's win the Miracle On Ice II. A team made up entirely of NHLers beat another team made up entirely of NHLers. Not like they're plucky high school kids or anything.

Chris
Everyone knows that Miracle on Ice II was The Mighty Ducks 2. Duh. Don't ask how I came across this, but could this possibly be the worst band of all-time?

Graham
Worse than this guy?


Chris
Worst song ever. How does it have 114,000 views and we only got 26 followers on twitter? How did you find that? I also figured you were sending a link of Jack Johnson.

Chris
Since I'm a classic American asshole who doesn't really care about hockey until, you know, the Americans beat Canada in the Olympics and hop on the bandwagon faster than you can call me a stupid pucker, can you explain something to me? Why wasn't America supposed to win a medal in hockey before last night anyway? I know that the NHL has tons of Canadians, Russians and foreigners, but it still has a lot of Americans too. Shouldn't the USA be a top 3 hockey power, or am I just delusional?

Graham
The US is near the top, but the top-3 is really Canada, Russia and Sweden. The US falls into the next group with the Czechs and Finland. They have all NHL guys, but don't have the top-end talent (Crosby, Malkin, Ovechkin, etc.) that the first three have.

Chris
Thanks for clarifying. I at least know Crosby and Ovechkin. The Winter Olympics, making Americans care about hockey once every 4 years.

Graham
By the way, I know you don't like hockey, but I implore you to watch the next big U.S. game. Very few TV timeouts, end to end action, Olympic hockey is the way it's supposed to be played. The last 2 minutes of Canada-U.S. yesterday was as good as it gets.

Chris
I caught the last 5 minutes of last night's game. It was intense. I was hoping USA would win so I could taunt you. I mean, cause I'm patriotic.

I just read the Knicks are going to try to buy Eddie Curry out to try to save some cap space. Think about the end of the bench space they'll save as well.

Graham
Buffet restaurants in NYC will be furious.

Chris
Does it get any dorkier than this? Really?


Oh wait, it just might


Lastly, I've been browsing a government auction website. It's mostly a bunch of junk that's been seized. What are the chances I ran across this? 1000%?

Graham
(After ignoring all my lame emails above, the conversation shifts to our previous post about Latrell Sprewell).
We should write to random NBA players and see who the lamest player is that blows us off. Can you imagine if we get no response from Royal Ivey?

Chris
Great idea. I'm penning my letter to Darko Milicic right now. We should write them as sarcastic as possible only hoping they don't get it.

Dear Darko,

I'm your #1 fan. I know you probably get millions of other people claiming to be your #1, but really I am. I've followed you since your days in Detroit. I watched every game, especially the end of blowouts, waiting to see you dominate. I'm glad to see you are in Minnesota. I think that you, Kevin Love and Al Jefferson are the best front court in the league. Maybe of all-time. I was wanting to see if you could autograph this card and send it back to me. I'm totally going to frame it and keep it forever. Yours in basketball.

Graham
Dear Brian Scalabrine,

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter- I'm your biggest fan! You are the best redheaded player in the league, I like you even more than Delonte West. Even though you don't get much playing time, I really like the enthusiasm you show when your teammates do well. Like you, I never get off the bench for my team either except when the game is decided. I used to pout about it, but then I saw the way you wave your towel like a maniac every time Tony Allen makes a jumper and it changed the way I look at my role. If you can make it to the NBA, then maybe I can too! If you could sign this card I'd really appreciate it. Yours in basketball.

PS-Maybe KG, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce could sign it too?

Chris
I'm sending that letter. I just put a big whopping 50 cent offer on this card. I hope I get it. The Bry-man is totally going to be getting your letter.


Graham
So you've probably heard the guy who played Boner on Growing Pains has gone missing. Kirk Cameron did an interview about it, and had this to say: "Mike and Boner could always work things out when they put their minds to it," Cameron said. "I'm praying for you, pal. Hope to hear from you soon." Well gee, if their TV alter egos from 25 years ago could figure stuff out, surely that means a grown man with a history of mental illness can do the same.

Chris
I wouldn't be shocked if Boner disappeared just to avoid having to talk to Kirk Cameron anymore. Kirk is a loon, which is tragic, cause Mike Seaver was awesome.

Graham
Do you ever wonder if the casts from 80s TV shows still keep in touch? Like is Kirk Cameron friends with the guy who played his blonde-haired younger brother (Ben?)?And when did they all give up on the idea of Leonardo DiCaprio ever hanging out with them again?

Chris
Well, asking if I ever wonder about 80s TV show people keeping in touch is obviously sarcasm. Of course I do! Just yesterday I was thinking about Kevin Arnold and Winnie and figured they were sitting on a porch somewhere reminiscing. It gave me a calm sense of peace in this crazy world.

I'm not sure if you've been keeping up, but Kirk Cameron is a zealot and I assume that the rest of the Growing Pains cast shunned him, or he shunned them. I'm not sure how shunning really works, to be honest. I think you are just baiting me to talk about one of Canada's national heroes, Alan Thicke. I see you pointing us there and I'm not doing it. Alright, fine, damnit, yes, I bet Alan Thicke and Joanna Kerns might still talk on the phone sometimes and wonder why Leo never calls them back. I mean, hell, they did let him into their home, did they not? And no, I didn't have to look up Joanna Kerns name.

Where would you rank '80s families? Would the Seavers make it? I know that everyone would put the Keatons and the Huxtables up there. I don't really remember Family Ties, it was a little before my time, but I'll just throw them in there cause it was a huge hit. I'm putting my top 5 as this.

1. The Bundys (or was this more 90s?)
2. The Huxtables
3. The Arnolds
4. The Seavers (I loved the Growing Pains)
5. The Keatons (I can't rank them properly since I was like 5 years old when this show was popular)

I left out the Charles in Charge fam cause it was just kids that I remember and the Who's the Boss people. If the Bundy's go 90ss, I throw in Who's the Boss. Am I missing something? I'm probably better equipped to do the best 90s families.

Graham
I did know that Kirk Cameron was a nutty zealot. As I think about it, I believe he didn't invite the rest of the cast to his wedding, which caused a big rift for several years. Not sure where it stands now.

Anyway, top 80s sitcom families...interesting. Married With Children debuted in 1987, and its best years were early on, so it counts as an 80s show. You've made a pretty good list, although you could make a good case for the Tanners from Full House. I think my list looks like this:

1: The Bundys. No-brainer.
2: The Arnolds. If the day ever comes when broke 1970s bands stop trying to hold the producers hostage for rights fees for their songs, and this show makes it to DVD, I am going to Best Buy and lining up the morning it comes out. I loved, loved, loved this show. And not just because my younger brother always compared me to Wayne.
3: The Huxtables
4: The Keatons. I have a better recollection of this show than you, but not by much. I do remember always enjoying it though.
5: The Seavers

Honorable mention: The Tanners. I could take or leave Who's The Boss.

Chris
I'm glad to see we agreed on the same 5 shows. I liked the Arnolds better than the Huxtables. I think I just made The Huxtables #2 cause they were so popular, and I'm not a racist like you.

Since we're here, let's go ahead and bang out the 90s TV families as well. I'm leaving the Bundys off since they were the top one of the 80s.

1. The Simpsons
2. The Conners (Roseanne)
3. The Costanzas (docked points since they weren't the central people of the show)
4. The Banks (Fresh Prince)
5.

Wow, the 90s were pretty lame. Do The Hacketts count from Wings even it was just 2 people? Or the 3 guys from Frasier? I suppose the family from 3rd Rock from the Sun is in there. I didn't watch that show enough. Always liked it but never watched it religiously. Otherwise, maybe you could throw in the collective families of the South Park kids, but that's kinda lame. Ugh. Maybe you can think of some people I'm missing.

Graham
What about the Gellers on Friends? Not a huge fan of that show, but anytime Elliott Gould showed up as Ross and Monica's dad it increased the show watchability by 50%.

Chris
I was bored the other day and flipped it on a rerun of Friends. God, it was unbearable. I assumed the show was funny cause I remember seeing a handful of episodes back in the 90s but man, ugh. Maybe I caught a really bad one or one of the last seasons or something. I'd rather just put the Hacketts on there with an asterisk saying that 90s TV sucked. It really did. I looked throw a list of shows and ugh.

Graham
It's not a family sitcom per se, but Newsradio is the most underrated show of the 90s. And I say that knowing that it was Joe Rogan's big break.

Chris
I've seen some and liked it. I guess I really didn't watch much TV from 1996-2002 or so. I'm not sure what I was doing.

Did you read the comments on RTS on your last 2 blogs. You got a big fan in Gary. He said, "I am not from Canada, yet I find Rick Reilly about as tolerable as jock itch (and far less welcome). This post is gold." He also said that we had the "greatest blog ever." Are you commenting again under an alias?

Graham
I don't know who Gary is, but I appreciate his approval of the two blogs I banged out in 10 minutes. If people want lame NBA memorabilia, then I need to post about 4-foot by 6-foot mock contract from the Bryant Reeves press conference announcing his $65 million extension in 1997.

Also, did you see these pictures from the Canadian women’s hockey team? Way to do us proud, ladies:


Chris
Best....Picture....Ever....I take back anything negative I said about Canada, even Bryan Adams. Those are the classiest ladies I've ever seen. I hope they don't read this and sense my sarcasm. They would kick my ass.

Graham
I know I told you a while ago that I'd sworn off Deadspin. But do you read every Friday's compilation of hookups gone wrong that readers send in? They're laugh-out-loud hilarious, and I don't even care that most are probably completely made up.

So they found Boner's body and of course the media wants a response from Kirk Cameron.

Here's the thing though - do you think Kirk Cameron is really that devastated? Maybe, maybe not. But what an awkward position he's in. Sure, they were best friends on TV, but in real life, they were probably just co-workers, two guys who showed up to work every day, did their jobs and went home. For all we know they haven't talked in 15 years. I mean, if someone I'd worked with at my job out of college died, sure, I'd feel bad for them and their family, but it would be tough for me to muster a heartfelt tribute to someone I haven't talked to or thought about in a decade.

Chris
And that's why you are an asshole and he's Mike f-ing Seaver.