Conference Finals Preview Bonanza

After weeks, nay, months of nothing from me, it’s all Graham all the time right now. Good news for you, bad news for Chris, who is once again exposed as the second best writer here at RTS.

Of course, like the tv show Jericho, all good things must come to an end before their time. With the wife due to give birth to our second child any day now, it won’t be long before I once again disappear for extended stretches.

Until then, I continue with a series of playoff previews that come after the series have already started. But today you get a bonus: two sports for the price of one. That’s right, I’m previewing both the NHL and NBA Conference Finals. Why? Because I’m hoping the volume will overshadow the lack of real analysis. To the picks!

NHL Western Conference Finals: San Jose vs. Chicago
Chicago took Game 1 yesterday to take home ice advantage from San Jose. A few weeks ago people would have assumed that to be a death knell for the fragile Sharks, but improbably, the Sharks grew some playoff cojones this year and haven’t choked.

Watching them battle back from the own goal in the first round and becoming a playoff juggernaut has been the hockey equivalent to what it might be like if Shia LaBoeuf starred in a critically acclaimed drama that got him Oscar buzz.

That said, it’s starting to feel like Chicago’s year. When an undrafted free agent goaltender like Antti Niemi can carry a team for long stretches, then something’s going on. I think it keeps up. Chicago in 6.

NHL Eastern Conference Finals: Philadelphia vs. Montreal
Let’s take a step back for a second to appreciate how it came to pass that the Eastern Finals is a 7 vs. 8 matchup.

Philadelphia had to win their final regular season game just to qualify for the playoffs, then knocked off the veteran Devils in Round 1. They went down to Boston 3-0, then rallied to win three straight to send it to Game 7. They promptly pooped their pants, going down 3-0 in that game. Except, that didn’t seem to bother them too much as they came back and won.

As for Montreal, by now everyone knows that they pulled off the rare eighth seed over first seed first round upset, then knocked off Sidney Crosby and the defending champs in the second round. But most impressive is that their best offensive player is Jewish. So Mazel Tov, Montreal.

At any rate, how do you pick a 7-8 conference finals? How ridiculous is it that we’re at this point? And with Michael Cammalleri and Jordan Farmar both in the conference finals, is this the best year for Jewish professional athletes in history? Even though Philly took Game 1, I think the Habs continue their ride. Montreal in 7.

NBA Eastern Conference Finals: Orlando vs. Boston
I really hate the idea of picking Boston. I don’t need any more Kevin Garnett in my life. I’m sick of his act. But having said that, unless Doc Rivers screws it up for them, and he very well could, I don’t see Orlando beating them.

All the Celtics have to do is foul Dwight Howard every time he touches the ball. If Orlando can’t get Howard going, who’s carrying them? Vince Carter? Jameer Nelson? JJ Redick? If I’m Boston, I’d take my chances with any of those guys. Boston in 6.

NBA Western Conference Finals: L.A. vs. Phoenix
I’ve barely watched any NBA this season. I still follow it, still have an idea of what’s going on, still won my fantasy league, but I barely watch the games anymore. Horrible officiating, games that end with 17 straight timeouts in the last two minutes and watching Nate McMillan get Coach of the Year votes despite being a terrible coach have turned me off of the games themselves.

But not for this series.

This is the first time in a long time I count myself being legitimately excited about watching the NBA.

I have no idea who to pick. I mean Christ, I don’t want Kobe to win the series and play for another title, especially since the winner of this series will be the favorite in the finals. Phoenix can throw enough bodies at him to give him trouble, and the Suns hold a huge point guard advantage with Nash over Fisher. With Robin Lopez supposedly coming back, it gives them another big body to contend with Pau Gasol, an especially big advantage if Andrew Bynum isn’t 100%. And with a week off, the geriatric Suns should have their legs.

But the Lakers are still the Lakers. They destroyed a very good Utah team, and I hate betting against them. And a big part of the Suns relies on Jason Richardson getting hot, never a sure thing. And did I just type a minute ago that Robin Lopez needs to be a factor in this series? Oh sweet lord. You know what? Screw it. Phoenix in 7.

On Dwyane Wade and Christmas presents

Graham has been on fire this week. 2 posts! And what do I have to show for it, uh, nothing. I’d like to blame it on my uber-busy 60-hour a week work schedule and time spent with the kids, but both of those things are about as real as Ben Roethlisberger's male chastity belt. Regardless, Graham tells me the RTS water is warm so I’m going to dive back in, with, yep, you guessed it, an email exchange hitting all the better parts of the NBA, infidelity, divorce and Christmas presents.

Graham
I believe this is what the kids call "baby mama drama"

Chris
This was the highlight for me: It also claims that the boys received "medium size gifts" from Dwyane Wade for Christmas last year, while Union got "the biggest gift of all."

Are these sizes in reference to actual physical size, or how much they are worth? For instance, did the kids get a Wii and new TV, which are both medium-sized, while Union got the world's largest stuffed unicorn, which is rather large. Or, did the kids get a Wii and TV, which are pretty expensive, but Union got a brand new house? I'm confused.

And if you can sue someone over Christmas gifts, well I'm calling a lawyer now for all those damn socks given to me over the years.

Graham
That stood out to me as well. I think we need insight into what the gifts were. But I assume it's monetary value. I like the fact that the ex-wife put the kids on the lawsuit as plaintiffs as well as her. I'm sure the two-year-old is just beside himself about all this.

Tell you what...between a psycho mom who names them in lawsuits and a pro athlete dad who bangs actresses, do these kids even have a hope in hell? Sure, they'll be ok financially, but there is zero chance they are well adjusted human beings.

Chris
Yeah, these kids are screwed, except for the fact that they probably have some pretty sweet Nike gear to wear to school for life. That cancels out the psycho mom, most likely. But if Wade has the audacity to give them medium sized gifts 2 years in a row, well hell, he should be sued.

And whatever lawyer drafted this suit and included the Christmas gift bullshit should just be taken out and shot. So this crazy jilted wife wants to go after her rich husband. She is pissed off and out for blood. She wants to not only try to get his money, but take a shot at both him and his famous actress girlfriend. Hell hath no fury and all that crap. I get all that. I do. But why throw in the Christmas gift shit? I mean, all of the other stuff is far-fetched already, but the second you start talking about the size of gifts, that's when I really don't believe you. Shouldn't this lawyer have just gone, "I think the oral sex in front of the kids is really the meat of this lawsuit. (no pun intended). We can do without the Christmas gift argument and just go with this."

Second, didn't the article say she was asking for $50,000? Does she know how much D-Wade is worth? I think you could get $50,000 out of just about anyone if they really were doing the crap she claims. Shouldn't she have asked for half of his next NBA contract or something? Do we have any pictures of her and her lawyer? I want to see video of her deposition, like, right now.

April Stumbles

Here’s the latest things from the Internet I’ve found impressive thanks to friends and StumbleUpon.

This truly has to be both a blessing and a curse.


Are you a fan of classic Nintendo games? Do you like Guns N’ Roses? Of course you do!

You know, I learned a lot of dumb things in school. Why didn’t I learn about the irony symbol? And why aren’t we using it. This would come in handy in today’s world with so much sarcasm and irony lost in translation when reading emails, text messages and the like.

I’m not sure exactly what it is about explosions that I find so mesmerizing but this is as good as it gets.


I’m not a lip balm type of person (are any guys?), but this one could win me over.

I would not mess with the people in this truck. They mean business.

Mindy Kaling 1, Anti-Pirating Ads 0


Copy editors/headline writers have a rapier wit.

I’m too lazy to do the legwork and research, but this can’t be real, right? I mean, if so, why aren’t Doc Brown and Marty McFly buying this up by the ton?

I like to think that I’m the guy from high school that people would be terrified is running the country. Which is why I’m not, I suppose.

I have shown this movie trailer to 4 different people in the last 24 hours. It looks hysterical.


I really don’t think I ask for many things in life, but man, if a family member is reading this, please hunt down the maker of this fine item and buy it for me for my next birthday.

Me and Graham try to maintain a proper level of Internet decorum on the blog, if such a thing even exists, but man, I can’t keep this video to myself. And after you’ve watched a penis copter video, well, that’s really all that’s left to do for the day.





Chris

The Rudy Gay dilemma

There’s not many things I’m more educated about than the Memphis Grizzlies. I’ve been to about 250+ home games over the past 7 years and probably watched about 500 games during that time span. I haven’t really written about the Grizz or NBA on here since I was the fan blogger for Grizzlies.com. Now that I’m officially retired from that position, it’s time to unleash my Grizzlies knowledge upon the RTS readership. You know, cause Jersey Shore Season 2 hasn’t started yet.

I proclaimed last offseason to be the make-or-break offseason for the Grizzlies. They had the number 2 pick in the draft. They had cap room to go after a free agent. They had another 1st round draft pick and an early 2nd round pick. If they were going to turn things around, it was last offseason. As the Grizzlies just finished a 40 win season (up from 24), it’s easy to say that last offseason was a success. As Commercial Appeal writer Geoff Calkins wrote today, last offseason was a mixed bag, at best.

I think there’s little value in criticizing past decisions on their own. Past decisions should be used to determine future actions. I also think that it’s easy for sports writers, bloggers, etc. to make fun of past decisions with hindsight. It’s easy to criticize drafting Hasheem Thabeet over Tyreke Evans or Steph Curry today. Did you have the balls to call for that ahead of time? I did, well, privately, and have the email archives to prove it. But I come not to praise my past decisions or to bury Thabeet, but rather, to tell you what the Grizzlies should do this offseason.

The bottom line is that the Grizzlies can’t, CAN’T, overpay for Rudy Gay. The running joke in the NBA is that teams trade for cap room and flexibility, which is really just PR spin to say that an owner wanted to cut cost. However, worse than trading for cap room and flexibility is getting stuck in untradeable contracts.

Look at the 76ers and Pistons.

The 76ers are over the salary cap and had a 27-55 season. They’re stuck paying Andre Iguodala and Elton Brand almost $28 million next year (almost half their payroll). That number keeps going up until through 2013. They had the choice to overpay for Iguodala or let him walk. They paid him. They had free agent money and spent it on Brand. They don’t get do-overs. This is their core for the next 3 seasons unless they can unload one of the players. For Brand, that will be almost impossible. They can probably get rid of Iguodala for draft picks and cap space and rebuild again, you know, like they did a few years ago when they traded Iverson to rebuild around Iguodala.

The Pistons have $51 million in committed salaries next year and had a 27-55 season. They’re stuck paying Rip Hamilton, Ben Gordon and Charlie Villaneuva $29 million next season. That number keeps going up until through 2013. Sound familiar? This team had cap room last year, made the seemingly wrong choices to invest in Gordon and Villaneuva and can’t get that money back. They’re stuck with this core.

This isn’t the NFL where the contracts are non-guaranteed and you can just cut a player and his contract if you made a mistake. This isn’t the MLB where there is no salary cap so teams like the Yankees and Red Sox can just increase the payroll each year as needed. In the NBA, teams only get 1 or 2 chances to make big signings each couple of years. Each couple of years! The only way to win in the NBA is to go over the salary cap and pay the luxury tax or to make shrewd signings. For the Grizzlies, it’s going to have to be the latter. So, is Rudy Gay one of the guys to sign? Let’s discuss.

Grizzlies owner Michael Hesiely has put himself in a bad spot. By assembling a cheap roster the past few years, the knock has been that he’s unwilling to spend money. Now there’s pressure to re-sign Rudy Gay. Will he overpay Rudy Gay just to say, “Look, I spent money.” Signing Rudy Gay for $10+ million a year is my nightmare scenario. Gay is an athlete but he’s not a basketball player. He can get you 20 points a game. If your main skill is scoring, you’ve got to be a scoring machine (see Durant, Kevin). 20 points per game isn’t enough. You’ve got to do more than that. You have to use your athleticism to defend, rebound and block shots (see Smith, Josh). You have to create for others (see Evans, Tyreke or Johnson, Joe). Rudy Gay is an elite athlete, but not an elite player.

Rudy Gay isn’t terrible, by any means, but in the NBA, it’s not just about how good a player is. It’s how much the player cost. The small market teams are at a distinct disadvantage because they can’t pay a $91 million roster like the Lakers. The Grizzlies had a $57 million roster last year. The salary cap next year is supposed to be $56 million. The Grizzlies won’t go over that. I don’t blame Heisely for that. Small market teams don’t go over the cap. So you have to spend the money wisely. If Rudy Gay is the man, you sign him. If not, you have to be willing to let him walk.

If the Grizz sign Gay for $10 million per season, they’ve set the market value and expectations for their upcoming free agents for the future. If Rudy Gay is worth $10 million, do you think Zach Randolph, OJ Mayo or Marc Gasol will settle for less? And are the Grizzlies willing to spend $40+ million a year on Gay, Randolph, Mayo and Gasol? The simple answer is no. Michael Heisley will not pay all four guys. Signing Gay to a big contract means that Randolph, Mayo or Gasol will not be resigned. That’s why it’s a nightmare scenario to give Gay a big contact this year.

I prioritize the players like this: Mayo, Gasol, Randolph and Gay. The problem is that Gay is the lowest priority but also the first free agent. I’d rather try to sign Mayo and Gasol and then see if there’s enough money left to throw at Gay. The Grizz don’t have that option. If the Grizzlies can’t sign Gay for $8 million per season or less (and they can’t), here’s the viable alternatives.

Sign and trade Rudy Gay
This is going to be tricky. A lot of teams have positioned themselves with cap room so they could just sign Gay outright instead of giving up something in a sign and trade. Gay can make more money and sign for 1 more year in a sign and trade, so he’d push for that. What could you get for him? If the Nets, Hornets or Jazz land the number 1 pick, a trade is going to be in the works for the number 1 pick (John Wall) or Devin Harris.

If the Nets win the lottery, could the Grizzlies trade Gay for Devin Harris? The Nets would then be able to have a core of Brook Lopez, Gay and John Wall and enough cap room to add more free agents. The Grizzlies would then let Mike Conley walk after next season to help free up some money for Randolph, Mayo and/or Gasol.

If the Jazz win the lottery could the Grizzlies trade Gay and their lottery pick for the number 1 pick and Andrei Kirilenko? The Jazz would save some money and be able to build around a younger core of Deron Williams, Paul Millsap and Gay. The Grizzlies could let Kirilenko walk after the season to free up money for Randolph, Mayo and Gasol. They wouldn’t have to pay John Wall until his rookie deal ended down the road.

If the Hornets win the lottery, could the Grizzlies trade Gay and their lottery pick for the number 1 pick, Peja and James Posey. The Hornets save some money and still have a core of Chris Paul, David West and Rudy Gay. The Grizzlies land John Wall and should still have enough money to pay at least two of the three: Gasol, Randolph and Mayo.

I’m not sure if there’s other viable sign-and-trade options given that a lot of the teams can just sign Gay outright. If the Knicks can’t land LeBron, Rudy Gay could get a big offer. Are you willing to let him walk for nothing? Here’s another option.

Let Rudy Gay sign with another team
Re-sign Ronnie Brewer and use your lottery pick on a small forward. You can probably sign Brewer for a third of the cost of Gay and hope that one of the following small forwards lasts until your pick late in the lottery: Wesley Johnson, Xavier Henry, Al-Farouq Aminu or Gordon Haywood. Would you rather have Gay for $12 million or a Brewer/Henry combo for $6 million?

Let the market dictate his value
Posture that you’re willing to match any offer for him (which the Grizz are already doing). Hope that the teams with cap room sign other big name free agents instead. Hope that either Gay’s market value is lower than he expects or almost non-existent. This would be the Josh Smith/Paul Millsap route. I don’t think it will happen, but it’s worth a shot.

Match whatever offer Gay gets
If the Knicks sign him for $12 million per season, match it. He’s an asset. Even if you don’t think he’s worth that much, you sign him and then spend the next 12 months trying to find a suitor willing to take him for a combination of younger players or draft picks. Keep the asset in your pocket and hope you can turn it for cheaper pieces before next summer when Randolph and Gasol’s contracts are up. I’m not a fan of this move cause you could get stuck with the contract, or Gay could get injured, but I would at least accept the mentality.

The bottom line is that the Grizzlies still haven’t determined their long term core or future. Last summer seemed to be that summer, but instead of signing a long term free agent, they took a 2-year rental on Zach Randolph. It bought some time and gave the fans some hope and added another option to the core, but the question still remains, how much is Michael Heisley willing to spend on this team, and which players is he going to spend it on? Rudy Gay’s at the plate. Randolph & Gasol are on deck. Mayo is in the hole.


Chris

RTS: A blog divided over Jersey Shore

Earlier this week Chris sent Graham an e-mail about Jersey Shore. This saddened Graham, who refuses to watch Jersey Shore on principle. It led to a spirited e-mail debate that was our most prolific in weeks. Sit back as Graham gets on his high horse while Chris makes the most ridiculous movie comparison in history.

Chris
You really need to watch Jersey Shore Season 2. They are starting to film now. If you can't appreciate the picture below of a spray-tanned guido wearing "The Urban Sombrero", well then, we aren't friends.



Graham
Then we aren't friends.

Chris
I suppose you don't like train wrecks then. Cause Jersey Shore is just one big mess of stupidity infused with steroids, hair gel, booze and testosterone. GTL baby.

Graham
Fine, I'll take the bait.

(Deep breath)

In regards to reality television "train wrecks", no, I don't like them. Why do I want to watch a bunch of sad, worthless people allow themselves to be exploited in hopes that they can gain 15 minutes of fame? What's the entertainment value in that? I can't laugh with or at these people, I just feel sorry for them. They're pathetic with few, if any, redeeming qualities. What has Paris Hilton added to the world? Kim Kardashian? What have these Jersey Shore idiots added?

Nothing.

They serve no purpose other than to glorify their own egos. So no, after a long day at work, a 45-minute commute in gridlock and if I'm lucky, spending an hour of quality time with my son before his bedtime, I don't feel like unwinding by watching these brain-dead idiots humiliate themselves.

But it goes beyond that. It speaks to a larger issue at play here, namely, even though these twits completely degrade themselves for the sake of "entertaining" the simpletons who watch them, they still win. One, they get paid. And two, there are actually morons who come to admire them, which is beyond depressing. On the news last week they reported that one of these Jersey Shore guys was going to be in town making a club appearance. It may have been an April Fool's joke, but even if he did come, he'd get airfare and hotel paid for, an appearance fee, and he'd have a bunch of hot, idiotic women who'd allow him to give them the Sandra Bullock treatment if they let him (how's that for timely?).

What does that say about the warped nature of modern day celebrity? How screwed up is this whole system? So no, I don't watch. I don't want to have anything to do with perpetuating this endless cycle of stupidity and celebrity worship.

Give me Chuck any day of the week instead.

Chris
I agree with 50% of what you said. Let's interview myself to dig deeper.

Do I think the Jersey Shore cast are idiots and undeserving of any amount of monetary compensation for being idiots?
Yes. However, I do watch the show, which indirectly pays them, so I guess I'm a hypocrite. Then again, if you think about it, we're huge sports fans and what, 85% of these guys are douches, idiots and morons and we have no problem paying big money to follow them.

Graham
The sports analogy doesn't work for me. Athletes are morons, you and I know that as well as anyone. But I don't watch sports because of their character, I watch sports because I like sports. I really don't care that much about the kind of people they are away from the field. But these train wreck shows are built around these peoples' personalities, or lack thereof. That's where I run into the issue.

Chris
Even if you don't care about an athlete's personality, or say you don't, you still give that person money and support. You probably don't like Michael Vick. The reason you don't like him has nothing to do with sports. You wouldn't buy his jersey. So you can't say that personality doesn't come into play with sports players. Ultimately, you like sports cause of the game, not the player, but still, you support the player regardless. I support Jersey Shore people, reluctantly, because I like to laugh at them. And I don't watch Jersey Shore because of their character, I watch them because they are caricatures.

Graham
I also resent the fact these people don't actually do anything. Even the worst pro athlete has to show up to practice a few hours a day, and have displayed some modicum of talent somewhere along the way. I hate Two and a Half Men, but at some point the actors would have taken acting lessons, worked their way up the ladder, etc. These Jersey Shore idiots just roll out of bed and go about their day with no discernible talent or skills, and are rewarded handsomely for it.

Chris
These people don't have talent? J-Woww designs her own clothes! Pauly D is a DJ. All of the guys have to GTL, you know, gym, tan and laundry. It's work baby.

Now, do I think that the Jersey Shore cast members are delusional and don't realize that 75% of their audience is laughing at them?
Yes.

Graham
But of course they don't realize, or even care, that people are laughing at them: they get paid, and they live the celebrity high life. If anything, they're laughing at us.

Chris
So really, you're jealous of them. You are jealous that idiots get paid to do nothing and you refuse to support it because you are a smart guy that has to work for a living. Don't hate the player Graham, hate the game.

Is it sad that the Jersey Shore cast doesn’t realize the majority of their audience is laughing at them?
Not really. The majority of Americans spend their time laughing at all the yokels out there and thanking God that they aren't like that. As a matter of fact, I'm sure a lot of people do it to us to. But they are wrong.

Graham
Who would laugh at us? We're awesome.

Chris
Agreed.

Do I think the 25% of the Jersey Shore audience that worship the cast are beyond pathetic?
Yes. It's one thing to be the idiot on Jersey Shore. It's another to want to be the idiot on Jersey Shore. I think the great Michael Keaton movie Multiplicity tackled this.

Graham
I can’t even argue this. You caught me completely off-guard with the Multiplicity reference.

Chris
That's what I was going for.

What's the entertainment value in all of this?
I like laughing at stupid people. As a matter of fact, isn't this why "fail" and "pwned" are terms we enjoy? And we do enjoy them. I think there's only so much one can handle. I watch Jersey Shore and Tool Academy. Essentially I like laughing at steroid driven egomaniacs cause, well, it makes me feel better about not having muscles. Don't tell anyone that.

Graham
Laughing at a 30-second clip of a regular guy falling off a bike is a lot different than feeding into the celebrity machine.

Chris
(whispering for dramatic effect) Is it really that different Graham? (grows louder) Is it REALLY THAT DIFFERENT?

As for glorifying their own egos, well, isn't that the problem with celebrity in the first place? Aren't regular schmoes like us constantly trying to figure out which celebrities are like us, aren't complete jackasses and we can identify with? Isn't that why the Tiger Woods and Sandra Bullock things are "shocking"? We're shocked cause we thought Tiger was just a regular dude that just happened to be extraordinary at golf. When we find out he's a lying adulterer, we're upset cause we watched him from a distance and pinned him as normal even though we had no reason to think so. We don't care when Jesse James or whoever the f he is turns out to be a piece of crap, but dear God, if he ruins that wholesome Sandra Bullock image that we made out of thin air based on fictional movies, then I'm upset. The sooner we admit that all celebrities are pretty much jackasses that are glorifying their own egos, the better off we'll all be. And the sooner we realize that we have no clue what it's like to live that life, the better off we'll be as well. So yeah, enjoy Chuck instead of Jersey Shore. Just don't pretend the guy in Chuck isn't just as big of an asshole, cause there's a pretty good chance he is.

Graham
Again, I go back to the sports analogy. I don't care if the guy in Chuck is a huge asshole: I like the show he's on. Chuck isn't based on his real-life persona, it's a scripted drama that has nothing to do with what the actors are like away from the set. It's not even close to the same thing.

Chris
I don't care if the people on Jersey Shore are huge assholes either. As a matter of fact, I know that they are, for the most part. If anything, it feels a little more honest.

White Men Can't Jump

The L-ster Club

Saying that a previous post about Latrell Sprewell was the most popular RTS post of all-time is akin to saying that “Your Love” is the best song by The Outfield. It's not like there were a lot of nominees. Any post that receive 1 comment is gold in our book, so when the Sprewell post got 14 comments (including some spam!), well, I had to go back to the well again. (You try to use “well” twice in a sentence, it’s not that easy.)

I went through my vault of dorky childhood things and pulled out another gem. It’s a letter and fan club application to Larry Johnson’s fan club. You can click on the pictures for larger images.

Let’s discuss the below letter first.


I love the fact that “great news” is bold, underlined, in all CAPS and has an exclamation point. I’m going to do this on my work emails from now on. Anything that’s important can’t simply be bolded or underlined. I’m taking it a step further. Let’s try it out. “I’m out on VACATION! this week but will respond to ALL EMAILS WHEN I RETURN!.” That isn’t going to get old, AT ALL!. Also, I think the guy typing out this letter forgot to underline “FREE”. He probably got fired.

Next, Larry Johnson tries to get me to pimp out his fan club to all my friends. Shame on you Larry. You shouldn’t even need my help since you already said you get “enormous amounts of mail.”

For Larry’s closing, he wishes me “Peace and God Bless.” That can’t hold a candle to Latrell’s “Yours in Basketball.”

Now, let’s discuss the fan club flyer.


Who thought up the brilliant name, “L-ster Club.” It sounds like a weekly meeting for pedophiles. I keep looking at it and thinking lester club, as in molester. Did he not go by “LJ” or “Grandmama” yet?

Next, the bottom of the order form is torn off so I’m sure I joined the free club. I’m distraught that I don’t have the membership card still. Think of the access that bad boy would've given me. I'm at All-Star weekend, trying to get in the club, waiting in line and flash the "L-ster Club" membership card. It would be just that easy.

I’m even more pissed that I didn’t join the MVP version for $18 and get a “L-ster t-shirt.” I would wear that thing everywhere. There's no sense dwelling on the missed opportunity now. I suppose we all have regrets from the past, just like Larry probably regrets forming “The L-ster Club.”



Chris

March Stumbles (links)

Time to catch up on the stumbles (links). Here’s what’s I’ve come across on the web over the last month or so.

Why aren’t beer commercials funny anymore? I miss Miller Lite’s “Man Laws.” At least Bud Light is still bringing it.



How can you not want to watch a trailer for “MACGRUBER: The Ultimate Tool”?

Are you a fan of farts on TV? Then I’ve got the video for you.
Yes, I’m 29.



Do you like jingles? Do you like pork? Here you go.

I love the fact that this guy is a PE teacher.

Cars crashing in the snow never gets old. NEVER.



Canucklehead.ca probably contains my favorite images on the web. Here’s why.

I’m still waiting to use this website for a prank. Here people list what services they’ll provide for $5. One of them is a wake up call. I’m going to use it with Graham’s phone number for 5 a.m. on a Saturday morning soon enough.

Birds 1, reporter 0.



Whenever I’m having a bad day, I just click on this video and all my cares seem to melt away.



I’m putting Dehli on my "travel to" list just to witness this in person.



Plays like this convince me that I should just quit playing basketball. Then I watch the fat people falling video and everything turns out alright.



Even if this kid took this picture as a joke, well, it’s etched in Internet lore forever.

Creepiest family photo ever.



Chris

Chris' March Madness Picks (Updated with Graham's picks)

Since tomorrow starts my second favorite sports weekend of the year, I suppose I should go on record with my March Madness picks. I’d taunt Graham and compare picks, but the tournament is a crapshoot and neither one of us has watched a great deal of college basketball. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve watched a full game of any college team save for the University of Memphis, and they aren’t in the tournament. I did fall asleep to Ole Miss-Tennessee earlier this year. Maybe that will help me out.

I’ve filled out about 10 brackets cause I love hedging my bets and ending up in 2nd place in multiple formats. But I guess if someone held a gun to my head and made me place bets, here’s how I would predict it shakes down.

Round 1 Upsets
I’m not going to list all the higher seeds that win. I simply think these lower seeds will advance past round 1.
Northern Iowa
Georgia Tech
Murray State
Louisville
Siena
St. Mary’s
Yep, pretty exciting, out of 32 games, I think a whopping 6 will be upsets.

Sweet 16 teams
Kansas
Maryland
Georgetown
Ohio State
Gonzaga
Butler
Xavier
Kansas State
Kentucky
Temple
Marquette
West Virginia
Duke
Texas A&M
Baylor
Villanova

Elite 8
Kansas
Georgetown
Gonzaga
Kansas State
Kentucky
West Virginia
Duke
Baylor

Final 4
Kansas
Kansas State
Kentucky
Duke

Final Game
Kansas beats Kentucky

I had to throw a few upsets in there. I know picking all number 1 seeds and a number 2 seed is pretty lame, but honestly, aren’t Kansas and Kentucky the best 2 teams? I know that doesn’t mean they’ll play each other, but hell, the percentages are in their favor. I don’t like Syracuse or Duke that much. I like Ohio State, Georgetown and West Virginia, but they’re stuck in the Kansas/Kentucky brackets. That just sucks. I hate when my sleepers get thrown in with the favorites. I could really see any team coming out of the Syracuse or Duke brackets. It wouldn’t shock me if it was a double digit seed. Oh well. Run to your bookie and bet the farm against these picks.

Graham's Picks

I have not watched a single second of college basketball this season. I occasionally glance at an article in Sports Illustrated while I'm taking a dump, but that's about it.

Although, that research taught me that for all its talent and wins, Kansas has been inconsistent this year. That worries me. So I'm not taking them in the Final 4. Instead, I have Ohio State coming out of that region. Why? Because I really like Mark Titus' blog Club Trillion. If I ever meet him, he will get an official RTS one-armed embrace. Plus, apparently Evan "The Villain" Turner is a badass. So there's that.

What other nuggets can I give you? I have a feeling about Washington. Granted, I say that every year and it never pans out. But I see a run to the Sweet 16.

Who else? Even though someone from Syracuse is hurt, I like them anyway.

How's that for analysis?

On to the picks:

Sweet 16:
Kansas
Maryland (does Juan Dixon still play for them?)
Georgetown
Ohio State

Syracuse
Butler (Because he's my butler)
Pittsburgh
Kansas State

Kentucky
Wisconsin (Go Packers)
Washington
West Virginia

Duke
Texas A&M
Baylor
Villanova

Elite 8:
Kansas
Ohio State

Syracuse
Kansas State

Kentucky
West Virginia

Duke
Baylor

So to recap, my elite eights are four #1s, three #2s and a #3. Not only did I not go out on a limb, I didn't even climb up the tree.

Final 4:
Ohio State
Syracuse

Kentucky
Duke

Final:
Ohio State over Kentucky.

There it is folks, take it to the bank. Good luck.

Trading Places

Okay, I don't know why I was thinking about this, but here's the premise.

Tomorrow, you are going to wake up and assume the role of the main character of a movie. Whatever happens to this character, it will happen to you. However the movie ends is how it will end for you. Now, you can pick 1 movie to veto. Other than that, everything is in play. What movie do you veto? Conversely, if you could pick the ideal movie to happen to you, what movie would you pick. The only rules are that the movie has to be released at the theater (no b-movies, no obscure direct to DVD movies, no porn), and if a movie has sequels, all of those things would happen to you as well. Obviously, most of the bad movie picks would revolve around horror plots, so I picked 1 movie from each of the following categories: horror, comedy, drama, action and misc. movies. Here's what I came up with.

Movies I would veto

Horror - Hostel
I'm pretty sure the main character lives but goes through a ton of shit to get out alive. I think any horror movie is really fair game.

Drama - American History X
I'm not sure if this is action or drama. I suppose it's drama. Pretty much any movie that involves me getting raped is high on the list of veto. I think this scenario is worse than Shawshank Redemption because the rape was probably more brutal, you have a huge Nazi tattoo on your chest for life, I would have to curb someone at some point and I don't make a lifetime bromance with a old wise dude named Red.

Action - Saving Private Ryan
Tomorrow, I'm jumping out of a death boat and watching tons of my countrymen die. I survive for about 3 more weeks before getting shot just to save Matt Damon.

Comedy - Raising Arizona
I'm a career criminal who kidnaps a baby thanks to my crazy wife's barren needs. I live in a trailer. My best friends just busted out of jail and want to crash with me. Oh yeah, and I get my ass kicked by this huge, scary son of a bitch.

Misc - Seven
I'm going to investigate a bunch of brutal, gruesome muders, have my prego wife's head get chopped off and then I'm going to jail for murder. Good times! I put this as misc. cause I wasn't sure if it was drama, horror or action.

Dream Scenarios

Horror - Uh, none.
What about something like Zombieland? Is that a horror movie? Can I just wake up and hang out with Woody Harrelson and kill zombies?

Drama - The Karate Kid
I get to go back to high school, learn how to kick ass, play putt putt with Elizabeth Shue and have a montage made to "You're the Best." Oh yeah, and isn't he from Jersey, so I could hit up the Jersey Shore whenever I visited family.

Action - Fast and Furious
Anyone that says they don't want to be Paul Walker is lieing.

Comedy - Animal House
That one is too easy. I suppose Anchorman or Old School would be in the mix. Beerfest and Super Troopers were in play, but since there isn't a true main character, I assume I'd randomly be one of the guys and could end up as the man whore or Favra and that wouldn't be cool.

Misc - Back to the Future
I get to go to the past, to the future and to the Old West. The only other movie that could possibly be in the mix would be Star Wars simply for the use of the force and light saber. But I'd have to get my hand chopped off.