6 Weeks of Stumbles

I’ve let 6 weeks worth of good links build up and now it’s time to unleash them upon our rabid fanbase of 10 followers. Contain yourself!

This is pain.



Jersey Shore talking bobbleheads. They sell themselves, really.

The only disappointing thing about this video is the girl that kicks the ball stops after it happens. I would’ve kept playing and tried to score.



I like dancing in the street as much as the next guy. Just be careful out there, okay?



I’m so glad this wasn’t around when I was in college. Actually, I would’ve abused it the most, what am I talking about?

The guy that made this should’ve retired from basketball right then and there.



So very true.

Do you like car crashes and verbal abuse?



This is what you get for going on Glen Beck.



For your inner South Park dork.

I’m fine! I’m okay! I’m okay!



If we ever have an RTS Man of the Year, this guy would be at the top of the list for 2010.



Chris

Worst Movies Ever

Last week via twitter there was a localized debate brought about by @waskew. It was about the worst movie you've ever seen. I didn’t jump into the debate at the time for a variety of reasons: I was busy at work, I’m lazy, and I’ve seen a ton of crappy movies. I didn’t want to just fly off the handle with one or two movies and leave out some of the truly crappy ones that I’ve seen. Note: I used to work at a video store and then a movie theater so I had free movies from the age of 15 to 23. I had a lot to pick from. So, just like most everything else we do here at RTS, here’s my one week late list of worst movies ever seen. (I simply picked all the movies I’ve rated 1 star on Netflix). (Just skip to the bottom for some analysis if you don’t feel like browsing through a ton of crappy movies that you might or might not have heard of).

300
10,000 BC
Alexander
Angels & Demons
Babel
Batman & Robin
Bewitched
The Boxer
The Brave One
The Brothers Grimm
Bug
Cabin Fever
Catwoman
The Chumscrubber
City by the Sea
Collateral Damage
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Cradle 2 the Grave
Dante's Peak
Dave Chappelle's Block Party
Domino
Down in the Valley
Dragonheart
Eagle Eye
Elephant
Eyes Wide Shut
Fighting
Flags of Our Fathers
The General's Daughter
Get Smart
Ghost World
Green Zone
The Haunting of Molly Hartley
Henry Poole Is Here
Instinct
The Island
Kingdom of Heaven
Kissing a Fool
L.I.E.
The Ladykillers
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Love Guru
The Man Who Wasn't There
The Mask of Zorro
Master and Commander
Miami Vice
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
Mission: Impossible II
Nashville
The New World
Nightwatch (Nick Nolte movie)
Palindromes
Paradise Now
Paranormal Activity
Patch Adams
Pauly Shore is Dead
Pearl Harbor
The Perfect Storm
The Pest
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Psycho (remake)
Punch-Drunk Love
Quarantine
Quills
Rachel Getting Married
Sahara
Saw III
Snatch
A Sound of Thunder
Spider-Man
Spider-Man 2
Spun
Stigmata
The Straight Story
Swimming Pool
Synecdoche, New York
The Tailor of Panama
The Time Machine
Titus
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything
Tomb Raider
Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
U Turn
Unleashed
V for Vendetta
Van Helsing
Vanilla Sky
We Were Soldiers
Wild Wild West
You Don't Mess with the Zohan

Now, a few notes should be made.

First, my wife used to love horror movies and I hate them. So some of these movies got 1 star simply cause I hate the genre in particular. But really, "Saw III" was painful for even the most ardent of horror fans.

Second, about 15% of the movies on this list I didn’t even finish. So yeah, maybe the ending turned out better, but if I can’t make it to the ending, then what’s the point?

Third, some of this is my own damn fault. I mean, I hated "Spiderman" and "Tomb Raider" and yet I still saw "Spiderman 2" and "Tomb Raider 2". Needless to say, I watched a lot of movies when I worked at a movie theater.

Without further ado, here’s my lowlights

Lord of the Rings
Everyone raves about this series like Jesus Christ himself came down and blessed this trilogy. I just didn’t get it. The first one was boring and I feel asleep in the second one. I have a 120 minute theory about movies. If a movie is going to go over 120 minutes, it better be for a good reason. Otherwise, it’s going to bore me. Why exactly was this movie 3 hours? So they could walk and walk and walk? Ugh.

Alexander
As part of my 120 minute theory, I remember this movie being painfully long. When two movies suck, whichever movie lasted longer sucks worse. So, "Alexander" is worse than "The Love Guru". Think about it.

Batman & Robin
The first truly terrible movie I’ve seen. It’s like the "Plan 9 of Outer Space" of my generation.

Down in the Valley
I love Edward Norton. This had to been one of the most disappointing movies I’ve seen. It’s atrocious.

Dragonheart
Dennis Quaid teams up with a dragon with the voice of Sean Connery. How could that not be cool? Trust me, it wasn’t.

Nashville
This is a classic! It’s amazing! Blah, blah, blah. Nothing happens. I kept waiting for this to get good. And I’m sure if Chris Herrington reads this post he’ll blast me for not liking this movie. Seriously, I remember some people being stuck in traffic for what seems like forever until I turned the damn movie off.

Snatch
I’m sure I’ll catch some grief for this but I needed subtitles for this movie. I couldn’t understand a damn word. And I feel asleep trying to watch this. I tried again and feel asleep again. This movie puts me to sleep faster than JaMarcus Russell’s sizzurp.

300
Pretty much the worst movie of all-time, simply because so many people without a brain laud it. It’s just a bunch of ripped dudes talking in deep voices about honor. “We have to defend our nation. Sparta is our home. Etc. Etc. Etc.” Then they go fight for like 45 minutes, take a break, talk about defending Sparta and honor again and repeat. This happens about 7 times and then the movie ends. It’s torture. I’d rather have fought 300 Spartans on my own than have to watch this again.


Chris

We're back!

Okay, so neither of us has posted in a month. I know our fan base is clamoring for a something. So here you go.




Chris

Stumbling towards vacation

I’m about to go on vacation for a week. I couldn’t just leave RTS hanging like that. So it’s time for a mammoth list of links.

Look, teabagging is a real problem that no one should suffer through. But if it happens to you, it’s probably best not to go on the news discussing it. Just move on, you know?



Calling this an epic fail doesn’t do this justice. What’s bigger than an epic fail…a life-altering fail?



Graham, can you send me your address? I’ve got a present for your newborn.

Pretty much every awesome moment from ‘80s movies.

This is brilliant idea. They should actually make some children’s books like this. It would be great bathroom reading material.

Not much else to say about this other than, this is a pretty cool video.



This is what growing up with a big brother is like, except multiple it by 16 years or so.



Fight Club music video. Still holds up.



This is why I don’t play baseball. Well, this and I don’t like chewing tobacco.



Cool 8-bit song with Lego animation.



“Try to bust your opponent’s balls”



I love smart asses.

Bungee jumping isn’t one of those things you can go into with doubts. Here’s why.

Native Americans FTW!

I’ve been watching this video everyday trying to hone my dance skills.

Good summer song.



This is like the ice cream truck for men.

I want what this guy is having.



One day I’ll be writing this song about the Memphis Grizzlies leaving town. Except the lyrics will simply be, “Who wants to cheer for a Michael Heisley team anyway?”



Please buy me this.

This pretty much sums up my college years.

There’s times when I feel old…you know…pretty much whenever I put it on MTV. But this video takes the cake.



Certain things define your lifetime. Most everyone remembers where they were when the Twin Towers were attacked, or when they first heard a Beatles song, or had their first kiss. Well, prepare to be wowed again. This video will change your life.






Chris

Danger, White Guy Ranting

I saw the above image on this site.

Bravo my friend, bravo. I hate people like this. And while I'm here, ranting about people cutting in line, I've got another bone to pick.

I walk into the movie theater today. There are ropes that go in snake-like fashion to the box office. The line is essentially empty except for one mother and teenage child standing halfway down the snake. They are in line, in a technical sense, so I stand behind them. They aren't moving farther down the empty part of the line towards the teller. I hear the mother say, "I don't know where she is." It seems pretty clear she says it for me to hear. My understanding is, "I'm waiting on someone." So, I cross over the rope and walk towards the teller. As I'm standing at the front of the line waiting on the next teller, I hear the kid go, "Way to go Mom!" She has jumped over the ropes to stand in front of me. As she stands in front of me, her friend joins her and they walk to to the teller.

So here's my question: if the lady was in line, why didn't she walk to the front of it to start with? If she was going to be offended that someone skipped her, why would she stand in the middle and encourage this? Who stands in the middle of an empty line and then scoffs when you take that as a sign that they aren't ready to purchase a ticket? You know who does, this stupid lady. But the jokes on her...her kid was ugly.


Chris

Sunday Afternoon Movie Special: Never Back Down

I’m a man of the people. So when the RTS fan base clamors for another running commentary of a movie, I’ve got to give the people what they want. Today’s Sunday afternoon feature: Never Back Down. Let’s bring it on.

Rainy high school football game. The game is being broadcast on the radio. That happens a lot in high school football, right? Uh oh, the opposing team just started talking about someone’s Dad. We got a fight brewing. Billy Badass, er, Tyler ,is beating up everyone in sight. Looks like Tyler is moving to Orlando. And cue the plot…

I love how this guy just played a stellar football game, got into a huge brawl and what does he have to show for it, one minor band-aid above his eyebrow.

I thought his name was Tyler. It’s Jake. My bad Jake, don’t beat me up. Jake is flashing back to moments with his father. And a regaee-infused emo song leads to the moving montage.

Somehow this guy moved from Iowa to Florida, unpacked and made it to high school within a 3-minute song. That’s impressive. He gets to school, goes to the football field, takes 1 bite of an apple and then walks off. This guy lives his life in fast forward or something. I’m confused.

Uh oh, Jake happened upon a fight and goes to break it up. But it’s not a real fight, it’s a backyard MMA fight! I never saw this coming!

Jake’s in class and he’s not just a meathead. He’s talking about Achilles. Color me intrigued by Jake. And so is the random blond named, “Baha.” What are the chances that this blond has a violent boyfriend that isn’t going to take kindly to Jake?

Max waddles up to Jake at lunch at school. Max is the happy-go-lucky fighter that wants to help Jake become a super fighter. Max will now teach Jake the way of the MMA fighter. He’s like a teenage Mr. Miyagi.

Football fighting montage as Jake walks through the halls of high school! “And I’m tired of backing down…” This song is amazing.

Uh oh, Jake just got invited to a party by Baha. “How it feels to be alive….!”

Jake’s at the high school party and greeted by Max. How come high school parties in the movies are the most absurd representation ever? Actually, I never went to parties in high school but I assume they weren’t like they are in the movies. I’d ask Graham but I know he didn’t go to parties either.

So they’re running a backyard fight club at the party. I’m thinking Jake is going to fight soon. Can I wager on this?

Slow-mo intro of Baha. Soothing music plays. But it’s interrupted as Jake’s got to fight Baha’s boyfriend. Shocker!

Jake doesn’t want to fight. He’s not just a brawler like these other guys. This Jake is tough to read.

Baha’s boyfriend Brian starts talking smack about Jake’s dad. This is the new version of calling Marty McFly chicken. Nobody talks smack about Jake’s dad!

It’s Jake vs. Brian. Would there be much of a plot of Jake won?

Man, my boy Jake got it handed to him. I think he should go find an older, wiser fight guru to train him for about 45 minutes and then come back, beat up Brian, steal Baha and ride off into the sunset. That sounds way too farfetched. He probably just goes home, focuses on school and forgets this ever happened.

I think we’re on the 3rd montage of the movie and it’s only 20 minutes in. Can they make a movie with just montages and slow-motion footage? Everything seems cooler with a montage. Hell, Jake’s little brother just microwaved a pizza in the montage and it was the coolest pizza making experience I’ve ever seen.

Brian’s name is Ryan. I’m terrible with these people’s names. Can I just refer to Brian/Ryan as the blond douche? I think that works better. We’ll go with BD for short.

Max tells Jake about where to go train. And he shows up! My dream scenario is happening. He might take on BD and win Baha after all.

A training montage! With a song that I like by TV on the Radio. I’m actually embarrassed that a song I like is in this movie. Wait, no I’m not. How come 75% of all training, no matter the sport, involves a massive rope climbing exercise? Who sells these ropes? I wouldn’t even know where to go to get one. Home Depot? I should walk in Home Depot and say, “I need a huge rope…I want to train to fight and climbing a rope seems like the most logical place to start.”

Jake’s MMA-guru tells him the one rule, “No fighting outside the gym.” I have a weird feeling Jake breaks this rule.

Baha shows up at Jake’s door. I think she’s torn between BD and Jake. I am too! Jake isn’t having any of this. Baha set him up. Good for you Jake. I’m sure you’ll stay mad at her for the next 70 minutes.

I think we’re on the 5th montage of the movie. And it’s a back- to-back training montage. I can’t argue with the name of the movie going with the title “Never Back Down”, cause that’s what I got tattooed on my heart, but seriously, “Montage” would’ve been more accurate.

And we’re back in high school. I think Jake’s been in town for 2 weeks or so and he’s been in class twice. And the two times he’s been in class, it’s been English class. I guess they don’t do math down in Orlando.

Looks like Baha is breaking up with BD. She’s in love with Jake! I’m so excited for them. I bet they have awesome babies.

Jake’s pissed off. BD talked some smack about his old man again. This isn’t good. And Jake is randomly fighting 5 dudes in the middle of the street. Talk about road rage..zing!

BD just took Jake down in the bathroom. BD talked in a creepy whisper about making it through, “The Beatdown.” There’s a decent chance BD is homosexual and takes pleasure in beating boys down. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Jake’s fighting with his Mom. Mom yells, “You think you’re the only one that wants to break stuff. I can break stuff too!” It was the worst piece of acting I’ve ever seen. It’s official. Eat your heart out Keanu Reeves.

Introspective song plays as Jake walks to his room in slow-mo. Pretty much the coolest footage ever of a kid walking to his room.

Training montage number uh, who’s keeping count anymore? Look at the songs used in this movie. Is this the worst collection of music assembled since the Monsters of Rock series?

This montage includes the eating of raw eggs. And Jake racing his black guru near the ocean. Did the director of this movie just watch all Rocky montages and then re-act them with teenagers? If so, checkmate by the director.

Jake apologizes to Baha and they start making out on a coffee shop patio. If only Jake can somehow beat up BD, then I’ll have predicted this entire movie. I should head to Vegas immediately.

I realize now why this movie has so many montages. The rest of the movie is completely boring. Every scene with Jake’s mother is torture. Torture might not be a strong enough word. What’s worse than torture? Prison rape? Every scene with Jake’s mother is worse than prison rape. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Wait, yes there is.

Jake’s turning down a chance at “The Beatdown” to spend time with Baha. Jake needs to get his priorities straight. They messed up the plot. Jake isn’t supposed to get the girl till he beats BD. Sigh…

BD is pissed off that Jake isn’t fighting at the beatdown. So he brings Max back to his crib. And now BD and Max are play fighting. This will end well. BD kicks Max’s ass and drops him off at Jake’s house. I bet this leads Jake to enter the beatdown and try to take out BD for Max.

“Walking away and giving up aren’t the same thing.” Can I retroactively make that my senior quote? It’s by the wise philosopher Baha.

“Doing nothing has consequences too, “ says Jake.

“You can’t live in the past, my friend” says MMA guru.

How many Oscars did this win? I know Best Screenplay for sure, but I’m thinking it might’ve gotten Best Picture as well.

“Sometimes fighting the fight means doing the one thing you don’t want to do…win, lose, it makes no difference. It ends tonight. This is my fight. Everyone’s got one.” Well done Jake Tyler.

Getting ready for the beatdown montage.

And Jake Tyler checks into the beatdown. I’m so nervous. I hope he wins.

Beatdown montage as Jake and BD both kick some ass. I bet they make the finals.

Oh no, in his quarterfinal fight, Jake Tyler gets some ribs broken. How come every fighting movie involves the hero getting hurt before his final fight? This even happens in “Gladiator”. Is it some sort of unwritten screenwriting rule?

BD gets disqualified for eye gouging. Tyler quits cause he wants to fight BD. Looks like they’ll go at in the in parking lot instead, cause they’re true brawlers.

And it’s on. The final fight between BD and Jake. Will he avenge Max? Will he avenge his prior humiliation? There’s too many storylines to count. Oh wait, no, those were the only two.

BD is winning. Jake is hurt. Baha is crying. The last hour of Jake’s life passes before his eyes, he turns into a killing machine and knocks out BD. Does this really work? I’m going to try this the next time I play Madden.

Baha and Jake embrace. Time for the happiness montage.


Chris

Summer Playlist

After watching the MTV Movie Awards I realized two things: I don’t know who half of the popular people are anymore and man, most popular music sucks. So I’m here to save you with the 2010 RTS Summer playlist. Here’s what I’ve been digging lately. (You can skip to the playlist at the bottom to listen to most of the songs).

1. Walls by Shout Out Louds
The Shout Out Louds are on my to-do list. My music to-do list grows each day. Since I only have a 10 minute commute to work, I actually have to find time to listen to new music. Maybe I should pick up running or something.

2. Thieves by She & Him
This song reminds me of some coming of age movie set in the 50s where the teenage kid finally asks his dream girl for a first dance on the last night of summer camp. I like camp.

3. That Old Pair of Jeans by Blur
Put this song on the boombox and go toss the Frisbee. You are welcome.

4. Fool’s Day by Blur
Blur releases a song for the first time in years, they get put on the RTS playlist. It’s in our contract.

5. Love by Snowglobe
Since they’re a local band, I couldn’t find this song on playlist. Here’s a link with a trippy video instead.

6. Someone’s Missing by MGMT
MGMT’s second album was ultimately a disappointment to me. I kept getting the, “keep listening to it, it will grow on you” vibe from it. It didn’t stick. Probably didn’t stand a chance given how much I love their first album. But this is my favorite song on Congratulations. It’s not quite good enough to cancel out “Brian Eno.”

7. I Can See the Pines are Dancing by AA Bondy
This seems like the song you put on as you drive out of town.

8. I’m Afraid of Everyone by The National
The song’s too new to be on playlist yet, so here’s another youtube link. I’m coming around on The National. Maybe I’ll go listen to those two albums I have on iTunes that I’ve never finished. Whoops.

9. Hollywood by Codeine Velvet Club
One of my friends described this song as a mixture of Neil Diamond and The Strokes. Those are both high compliments.

10. Games for Days by Julian Plenti
Games for days, also known as the NBA Finals. Zing!

11. 1901 by Phoenix
Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix is my favorite start-to-finish album in awhile. I think this is my favorite song, but I’m not exactly sure. The entire album is just as good as this.

12. Golden Slumbers/Carry that Weight/The End by The Beatles
The Beatles have been following me around this summer. I’ve been hearing them a lot in public places, restaurants, etc. So, why not close out with one of their more underrated songs that also doubles as a past favorite summer listen of mine.

I'm back...

I took a vacation in which my airline customer service agents, yes, plural, told me to re-book a new flight cause mine was canceled, which caused me to spend a night in Atlanta, fly to Philly instead of the Big Apple a day late, rent a car, drive to LaGuardia to pick up my bag from my flight that, amazingly, didn’t get canceled and you know what I’m about to rant about, why, Entertainment Weekly’s 100 Greatest Characters of the Past 20 Years.


I had to let some of the rankings slide simply because I know I’m not the demographic but at least recognize that these characters are popular with a host of people, such as: Harry Potter (#2), Carrie Bradshaw (#9), Madea (#28), Elmo (#38), and well, you get the idea.

And some of the rankings I had to let go simply cause I didn't even know much about them and thus couldn't properly make fun of them. But generally, if someone makes a Top 100 list, I should know who they are. But, I'm forgiving today.

Here’s the ones I can’t let go.

#3 – Buffy
Really, no character that appears on The CW, or WB, or whatever the hell it’s called, should be allowed on this list. As a matter of fact, I don’t know one person that ever watched this show. And I know some pretty big losers.

#6 – Rachel Green (from Friends)
I’m not simply trying to bag on the ladies, and I accept that Friends had it’s moments, but weren’t Rachel and Ross completely lame and miserable? Am I missing something?

#11 – Cosmo Kramer
I’m as big a Seinfeld fan as there is. Still watch it several times a week. I have no problem with Kramer ranking in this high, but no other Seinfeld character made the list. The most popular TV show of the past 20 years, which was an ensemble comedy, only gets 1 character?

#17 – Lara Croft (from the video game Tomb Raider)
A video game character makes the top 17, and it’s Lara Croft. Call me crazy, but I don’t really find video games to have characters, since, you know, the user controls everything, but even if you were going to put a video game person on here, shouldn’t it be the dude from Grand Theft Auto?

#18 – Someone from Glee
If a show hasn’t even finished a season yet, it can’t make the list. I didn’t make the rules. Wait, yes I did.

#19 – Morpheus
I don’t want to get too dorky on this but wasn’t Neo the savior? I feel like they just put Morpheus on here cause they needed another black dude. Which leads to...

#20 – Ally McBeal
I let Bridget Jones go at #16 cause I didn’t want to come across as a sexist asshole, but really, uh, these rankings suck so far. Basically, they just picked a legit character, a female, a black dude, a geeky one and repeated itself.

#30 – Stephen Colbert
Is he really a character? Isn’t he Stephen Colbert? Isn’t he nonfiction? I’m sure he would think so. How’s he a character? My head hurts.

#36 – Gollum
I don’t have enough time to rant about Lord of the Rings. I f-ing hate that movie. I hate it as much as one can hate a movie. But I do accept that a lot of idiots like it and idiots buy things, so, you know, EW had to cater to that. But how in middle Earth is Gollum the best character from this series? I saw 1.5 of the movies (before falling asleep) but I do know that all Gollum did was wander around and go, “my precious”, channeling his inner-Ben Roethlisberger on the prowl for coeds before its time. So yeah, that’s a great character. I would link to the LOTR clip from Clerks II, but I’ve already done that on this blog previously. Screw it.



#54 – Juno
Am I the only one that thought this movie sucked? Some smartass 17-year-old gets preggers but maintains her sassiness. Woopty-doo. It was written by some recovering stripper or something, so, you know, that gives it street cred, or makes it cute, or prodigal or whatever. Anyway, no way Juno should make this list. You want a smartass kid, give me Igby from Igby Goes Down.

#59 – Master Chief (from Halo)
Already ranted about video game crap, but once again, isn’t this just a dude in a metal suit with a gun? Master Chief should have to immediately hand this award to Robocop.

#70 – Saturday Night Live’s Mary Katherine Gallagher
One of the golden ages of SNL involved the early ‘90s with Chris Farley, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, etc. and then we had the Will Ferrell era. And yet, the stupid “Superstar” girl makes the list. Maybe the rankers had a catholic school girl fetish. It’s the only reasonable explanation. And yes, I count fetishes as reasonable explanations.

#74 – Don Draper
Buffy is #3 and Don Draper is #74. If that isn’t grounds for shooting the rankers, what is?

#91 – Hancock
This movie sucked. This isn’t even a good Will Smith character. How is Hancock better than the Fresh Prince, the dude from Independence Day or the guy from Men in Black? I’ll tell EW where they can stick their Hancock.

#93 – More Video Game characters
I can’t even rant about this topic anymore. I just had to list this on principle.

Off the top of my head, these were the horrendous omissions. I’m sure there’s plenty more I’ll think about in the middle of the night.

The rest of the main Seinfeld cast, as well as Frank Costanza
Bart Simpson
Mark Walberg’s character from I Heart Huckabees
An Edward Norton character - pick one: Primal Fear, American History X, Fight Club
John McClane
McLovin
Dwight Shrute
SNL characters (too many to list)
The dynamic Paul Walker/Vin Diesel duo from Fast and Furious



Chris

Conference Finals Preview Bonanza

After weeks, nay, months of nothing from me, it’s all Graham all the time right now. Good news for you, bad news for Chris, who is once again exposed as the second best writer here at RTS.

Of course, like the tv show Jericho, all good things must come to an end before their time. With the wife due to give birth to our second child any day now, it won’t be long before I once again disappear for extended stretches.

Until then, I continue with a series of playoff previews that come after the series have already started. But today you get a bonus: two sports for the price of one. That’s right, I’m previewing both the NHL and NBA Conference Finals. Why? Because I’m hoping the volume will overshadow the lack of real analysis. To the picks!

NHL Western Conference Finals: San Jose vs. Chicago
Chicago took Game 1 yesterday to take home ice advantage from San Jose. A few weeks ago people would have assumed that to be a death knell for the fragile Sharks, but improbably, the Sharks grew some playoff cojones this year and haven’t choked.

Watching them battle back from the own goal in the first round and becoming a playoff juggernaut has been the hockey equivalent to what it might be like if Shia LaBoeuf starred in a critically acclaimed drama that got him Oscar buzz.

That said, it’s starting to feel like Chicago’s year. When an undrafted free agent goaltender like Antti Niemi can carry a team for long stretches, then something’s going on. I think it keeps up. Chicago in 6.

NHL Eastern Conference Finals: Philadelphia vs. Montreal
Let’s take a step back for a second to appreciate how it came to pass that the Eastern Finals is a 7 vs. 8 matchup.

Philadelphia had to win their final regular season game just to qualify for the playoffs, then knocked off the veteran Devils in Round 1. They went down to Boston 3-0, then rallied to win three straight to send it to Game 7. They promptly pooped their pants, going down 3-0 in that game. Except, that didn’t seem to bother them too much as they came back and won.

As for Montreal, by now everyone knows that they pulled off the rare eighth seed over first seed first round upset, then knocked off Sidney Crosby and the defending champs in the second round. But most impressive is that their best offensive player is Jewish. So Mazel Tov, Montreal.

At any rate, how do you pick a 7-8 conference finals? How ridiculous is it that we’re at this point? And with Michael Cammalleri and Jordan Farmar both in the conference finals, is this the best year for Jewish professional athletes in history? Even though Philly took Game 1, I think the Habs continue their ride. Montreal in 7.

NBA Eastern Conference Finals: Orlando vs. Boston
I really hate the idea of picking Boston. I don’t need any more Kevin Garnett in my life. I’m sick of his act. But having said that, unless Doc Rivers screws it up for them, and he very well could, I don’t see Orlando beating them.

All the Celtics have to do is foul Dwight Howard every time he touches the ball. If Orlando can’t get Howard going, who’s carrying them? Vince Carter? Jameer Nelson? JJ Redick? If I’m Boston, I’d take my chances with any of those guys. Boston in 6.

NBA Western Conference Finals: L.A. vs. Phoenix
I’ve barely watched any NBA this season. I still follow it, still have an idea of what’s going on, still won my fantasy league, but I barely watch the games anymore. Horrible officiating, games that end with 17 straight timeouts in the last two minutes and watching Nate McMillan get Coach of the Year votes despite being a terrible coach have turned me off of the games themselves.

But not for this series.

This is the first time in a long time I count myself being legitimately excited about watching the NBA.

I have no idea who to pick. I mean Christ, I don’t want Kobe to win the series and play for another title, especially since the winner of this series will be the favorite in the finals. Phoenix can throw enough bodies at him to give him trouble, and the Suns hold a huge point guard advantage with Nash over Fisher. With Robin Lopez supposedly coming back, it gives them another big body to contend with Pau Gasol, an especially big advantage if Andrew Bynum isn’t 100%. And with a week off, the geriatric Suns should have their legs.

But the Lakers are still the Lakers. They destroyed a very good Utah team, and I hate betting against them. And a big part of the Suns relies on Jason Richardson getting hot, never a sure thing. And did I just type a minute ago that Robin Lopez needs to be a factor in this series? Oh sweet lord. You know what? Screw it. Phoenix in 7.

On Dwyane Wade and Christmas presents

Graham has been on fire this week. 2 posts! And what do I have to show for it, uh, nothing. I’d like to blame it on my uber-busy 60-hour a week work schedule and time spent with the kids, but both of those things are about as real as Ben Roethlisberger's male chastity belt. Regardless, Graham tells me the RTS water is warm so I’m going to dive back in, with, yep, you guessed it, an email exchange hitting all the better parts of the NBA, infidelity, divorce and Christmas presents.

Graham
I believe this is what the kids call "baby mama drama"

Chris
This was the highlight for me: It also claims that the boys received "medium size gifts" from Dwyane Wade for Christmas last year, while Union got "the biggest gift of all."

Are these sizes in reference to actual physical size, or how much they are worth? For instance, did the kids get a Wii and new TV, which are both medium-sized, while Union got the world's largest stuffed unicorn, which is rather large. Or, did the kids get a Wii and TV, which are pretty expensive, but Union got a brand new house? I'm confused.

And if you can sue someone over Christmas gifts, well I'm calling a lawyer now for all those damn socks given to me over the years.

Graham
That stood out to me as well. I think we need insight into what the gifts were. But I assume it's monetary value. I like the fact that the ex-wife put the kids on the lawsuit as plaintiffs as well as her. I'm sure the two-year-old is just beside himself about all this.

Tell you what...between a psycho mom who names them in lawsuits and a pro athlete dad who bangs actresses, do these kids even have a hope in hell? Sure, they'll be ok financially, but there is zero chance they are well adjusted human beings.

Chris
Yeah, these kids are screwed, except for the fact that they probably have some pretty sweet Nike gear to wear to school for life. That cancels out the psycho mom, most likely. But if Wade has the audacity to give them medium sized gifts 2 years in a row, well hell, he should be sued.

And whatever lawyer drafted this suit and included the Christmas gift bullshit should just be taken out and shot. So this crazy jilted wife wants to go after her rich husband. She is pissed off and out for blood. She wants to not only try to get his money, but take a shot at both him and his famous actress girlfriend. Hell hath no fury and all that crap. I get all that. I do. But why throw in the Christmas gift shit? I mean, all of the other stuff is far-fetched already, but the second you start talking about the size of gifts, that's when I really don't believe you. Shouldn't this lawyer have just gone, "I think the oral sex in front of the kids is really the meat of this lawsuit. (no pun intended). We can do without the Christmas gift argument and just go with this."

Second, didn't the article say she was asking for $50,000? Does she know how much D-Wade is worth? I think you could get $50,000 out of just about anyone if they really were doing the crap she claims. Shouldn't she have asked for half of his next NBA contract or something? Do we have any pictures of her and her lawyer? I want to see video of her deposition, like, right now.