Remember when...

This is a new theme that I might or might not continue to do based upon whether I remember to do it and whether or not I'm motivated when I do remember. It's called, "Remember when."

Remember when SNL was funny.





Chris

NFL Kickoff Preview (Part 2)

Here's Part II of the RTS NFL preview. (Click here for Part I if you missed it).

Kansas City Chiefs at Baltimore Ravens (-8.5)

Chris: I can’t decide if Kansas City is one of those crappy teams or a middle of the road team. Sorta like how I can’t decide if I like Sour Cream n’ Onion Pringles or BBQ Baked Lays better. I suppose it doesn’t matter since the Baltimore Ravens are Cheetos. If you can’t translate that, fine, I’ll spell it out for you. The Cheetos by 17 points. (Random side note. I just googled “Cheetos” to make sure I spelled it right and this picture popped up. And those aren’t Cheetos, those are cheese puffs. Stupid google.)

Graham: Let me answer that one for you: they’re crappy. Baltimore’s the pick.

NY Jets at Houston Texans (-4.5)

Chris: Here’s a few more of my NFL predictions. I don’t think the Jets will be that bad. I think the team wants to win some games with a rookie QB just to stick it to Brett Favre. I also think Mark Sanchez is going to be good. I think Rex Ryan and the defense is going win them some games. Is it possible for Brett Favre to have a positive impact on two teams this year (the Packers and Jets both wanting to stick it to Favre) while he’s actually causing the team he’s on to implode. Some numbers guy needs to come up with a formula for this and we’ll call it “the Favre.” It’s when your existence hurts the people around you and helps your enemies. Let’s try it out. “Yesterday, I was out with friends having a few beers. It was going well, until I had a few jagerbombs and Favre’d the rest of the night away. I called my friend’s girlfriend a whore, started a fight with 3 MMA dudes and walked out on my tab. And, I just found out, a guy that I hated in high school ended up leaving with my date because I embarrassed her so badly.”

Graham: If the Jets were a TV show, they’d be Battlestar Galactica. Surprisingly passionate fanbase, some critical acclaim, but little mainstream recognition. And in both cases, I missed the boat and hear about how great they are, except never really get around to checking them out. What does this have to do with anything? Probably nothing, other than that I’m picking them this week.

Washington Redskins at NY Giants (-6.5)

Chris: I know I put the Giants in my “legitimate contenders” list but I’m not sold on them. They have a really good chance of going 9-7. Their QB is shaky (sorry, it’s true), their WRs aren’t so much unproven as they’ve proven they’re mediocre (follow that?) and their defense is good, but not Pittsburgh and Baltimore level dominant. So, uh, yeah, if they’re a contender, it’s simply by default because I still think the NFC is weak. The Giants win this game 17-13 in a snoozefest.

Graham: I’m glad Chris referred to this game as a snooze fest. I grew with Pat Summerall and John Madden creaming themselves over the NFC East “battles”. But you watch the games, and they generally consist of handoffs to fullbacks and screen passes. Feel the excitement! If Pat Summerall were still alive he’d disagree, but…wait, Pat Summerall is still alive? And calling games? My…God. Anyway, I don’t particularly like the Giants, but since Washington coach Jim Zorn referred to himself last year as the dumbest coach in the world (or something to that effect), I don’t particularly want to disagree. NY, I guess.

San Francisco 49ers at Arizona Cardinals (-6.5)

Chris: If your QB is Shaun Hill, I can’t rightfully pick your team. I could see every team in the NFC West going ending up 7-9, 8-8 or 9-7. That division sucks. Except for TJ Housamazalli. I expect greatness from him.

Graham: The pick is Arizona. But I want to talk for a second about Michael Crabtree. So he goes lower in the draft than expected, but holds out and demands to be paid like he was taken higher? You can do that? I wish I’d known that in my bar-going days. I’d hit on a woman out of league (read: any woman), get rejected, and walk away. But under Michael Crabtree’s line of thinking, I should just be waiting in her car to go home with her since I clearly deserve better than what I was being offered. Wait, did I just say I should stalk women? Has any analogy gone off the rails faster than that one? Let’s just move on.

St. Louis Rams at Seattle Seahawks (-7.5)

Chris: I just said the entire NFC West sucks, and yet I’m about to pick the Rams here because I don’t think they’ll suck as bad as you expect. Injuries killed both of these teams last year. I just don’t see it happening to them two years in a row. I think this game ends up 31-24, Seahawks, which means the Rams cover.

Graham: If you had said St. Louis would score 31 points in the season, I’d be willing to listen. But not in a game. No way. I hate Seattle, but I hate St. Louis more. Seattle’s the pick.

Chicago Bears at Green Bay Packers (-3.5)

Chris: Here’s hoping my Favre equation proves correct. If so, the Packers come out of the gate strong against a division foe. The Packers by a TD. BTW, the over/under on Cutler yelling at his receivers is 3.5 passes. I’m taking the under.

Graham: I’m a Packers fan, so yeah, I’m taking Green Bay. After their dominating preseason, I’m about ready to call my second child “Aaron”. If we ever do have another child (God forbid), then “Aaron” moves ahead of other possible names, including “Ichiro”, “Pavel” and “Weird Al”.

Buffalo Bills at New England Patriots (-10.5)

Chris: Brady’s first game back reminds me of Marino’s return from his torn Achilles when he tossed for 5 TDs and 400+ yards in a win over the Pats. See the symmetry here? I’m picking Brady to throw for about 600 years and 7 TDs, you know, unless he goes out in the first 10 minutes of the season again, which would be sweet. Normally I don’t cheer for the Pats, but this will be game 1 of the “TO is just a sideshow cancer with no football skills left whatsoever” era. So that’s nice.

Graham: Basic rule of thumb: when a team fires their offensive coordinator a week before the season starts, probably not a good idea to pick them to overcome a double digit point spread on the road against a team that could win the Super Bowl. Just sayin’.

San Diego Chargers (-6.5) at Oakland Raiders

Chris: I bet the Chargers defense and Shawne Merriman suffocate the Raiders. Too soon? I don’t pick the Raiders until further notice.

Graham: I don’t know if an athlete has ever won a PR battle by holding out. That will end with Richard Seymour. When Bill Belichick told him he’d been traded to Oakland, I’m sure he started sobbing uncontrollably with Belichick repeating, “It’s not your fault Richard, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault.” San Diego.

NFL Kickoff Preview (Part 1)

Last week I spent a lot of time watching college football since the NFL wasn’t on yet. It was a nice appetizer, but c’mon everybody, the NFL is the entrée.

We’ve got 15 people in our Pro Football Pick’em and each week Graham and I will be previewing a few games that we differ on.

But it’s the first week, we can’t preview just a few. We have to do it big, whatever that means. Without further ado, the RTS mega week 1 NFL preview.

Tennessee Titans at Pittsburgh Steelers (-5.5)

Chris: Was last year’s Titans the most pathetic 13-3 team in the history of the NFL? How does a team win 13 games with Kerry Collins at QB and no legitimate WR? Chris Johnson and the defense carried the Titans last year, and with Haynesworth gone, I don’t see this happening again. The Titans scream 8-8 to me. This will be one of the losses, and I have them going down by a touchdown or more.

Graham: Here’s where Chris and I differ: I think the Titans can have another big year. You see, no one played out of their minds last year. It’s not like Kerry Collins had 4,000 yards and 25 TDs, in fact his stats were rather pedestrian: 58.3% completion percentage, 2,676 yards and 12 touchdowns. I mean, there’s no comedown here. He was adequate, and the Titans won 13 games, so why can’t they win 11 or 12 again this year? Yes, losing Haynesworth hurt, but the Titans defense always loses players, and they always recover. That said, Pittsburgh gets the nod this week.

Miami Dolphins at Atlanta Falcons (-4.5)

Chris: Both of these teams benefited from the easy schedule last year to turn things around. They won’t get that same luxury this year. I could see both these teams hovering around .500 all year. I say that with love since I’m a Dolphins fan. Atlanta doesn’t have the defense, and Miami struggles against top-notch teams. This game seems like a tossup, so I’m taking Miami and the points.

Graham: Follow this logic… “Atlanta doesn’t have the defense, and Miami struggles against top-notch teams.” Most people would argue that not having a defense doesn’t make you a top-notch team. So why would Miami struggle against Atlanta? Bizarre logic. I like Atlanta though, and I think Matt Ryan and Tony Gonzalez are going to be a better couple than Derek Jeter and Minka Kelly. At least they better be, since I have Gonzalez on my fantasy team. I like the Falcons.

Denver Broncos at Cincinnati Bengals (-3.5)

Chris: I hate, hate, hate the Broncos this year. How much do I hate them? I’m picking them to lose to the Bengals by at least a touchdown. Ouch.

Graham: Ugh, who cares. Denver, I guess.

Minnesota Vikings (-3.5) at Cleveland Browns

Chris: Brett Favre vs. Derek Anderson. Ugh. Is Anderson even the starter in Cleveland, or is it Brady Quinn? I couldn’t even tell you, as I’ve read more Tila Tequila NFL stories this preseason than Browns previews. That doesn’t bode well for Cleveland, or Tila, or Shawne Merriman, or the Chargers, or me. I can’t rightfully pick the Browns. Let’s move on.

Graham: I want to pick Cleveland out of spite towards Brett Favre, but I can’t. Cleveland is awful. Hey, remember last year when everyone had them as a 10-win team and a dark horse contender? Remember how they were on national tv, like, 14 times? Can we all just pretend that didn’t happen? Minnesota by double digits.

Jacksonville Jaguars at Indianapolis Colts (-6.5)

Chris: Considering I got Peyton Manning as my fantasy quarterback, I don’t really care who wins the game as long as the Colts score in the 30s. Plus, I’m going against MJD, so uh, crap, am I talking about fantasy football already? Sorry for the tangent, I couldn’t help myself. Anyway, these divisional games always seem to go down to the wire. I’m thinking Indy wins by a field goal, which means my pick in the Jags. Make sense?

Graham: I don’t love the Colts this year. New coach, new coordinator, no wideout who seems a sure thing as Reggie Wayne’s number 2. I’m with Chris, Indy by a field goal.

Detroit Lions at New Orleans Saints (-11.5)

Chris: How in the hell can I pick an 0-16 team? I can’t. Since that’s what everyone else is thinking, it’s time for a quick tangent. The other night some friends and I were playing a board game called “Imagine If.” The premise isn’t vital to the story. Anyway, the question that was posed was, “Imagine if Dave was his dream job. What would he be: a) doctor b) painter c) video game tester d) athlete e) lawyer.” Now, Dave is a “gamer.” He probably has attended a few LAN parties in his day. Everyone playing "Imagine If", including his wife, turned over their card and showed that they picked “c) video game tester.” Everyone, except Dave that is. He picked painter. It was the highest of high-comedy. I’m giving Dave some water colors and an easel for his birthday. Dave the painter.

Graham: This line could be New Orleans (-27.5), and I’d still take the Saints. The bigger question is, when will the Lions win again? Or, perhaps more accurately, can they win again? Looking at their schedule, they have five teams they could conceivably compete against: Washington, St. Louis, Cleveland, Cincinnati and San Francisco. I mean, they’ll win one of those, won’t they? Honestly, I’m hoping they don’t. 0-16 was just too much fun last year. Why be another crappy 2-14 team when you can be a historic 0-16 team?

Dallas Cowboys (-3.5) at Tampa Bay Bucs

Chris: You know how I said I hate the Broncos this year? I feel the same way about the Bucs. I think there are about 8 legitimate contenders this year (Indy, New England, Pittsburgh, San Diego, Philadelphia, Baltimore, NY Giants and one team will rise up from the Dallas/Green Bay/Carolina/Arizona bunch), about 18 middle of the road teams (Atlanta, Miami, etc.) and then about 6 disasters waiting to happen. Tampa Bay and Denver are two of those teams. I’m going with Dallas by two touchdowns, at least.

Graham: Here’s a sign you won’t be a good team: when I can’t name your starting quarterback, as is the case this year with Tampa. Honestly, I watch a lot of football, I consider myself to be pretty knowledgeable, yet I’m sitting here drawing a blank on Tampa’s starting QB. I know it’s not Chris Simms. Pretty sure it’s not Bruce Gradkowski or whatever. I’m almost positive it’s not Vinny Testaverde, but I won’t rule it out. I had to go online and find out it’s Byron Leftwich. So he left one inconsequential Florida team to go to another. Impressive. By the way, I’m taking Dallas.

Philadelphia Eagles at Carolina Panthers (-0.5)

Chris: Would I rather have a crappy quarterback, stellar running game and good defense, or a good quarterback, crappy WRs and a good defense? Uh, I don’t know. I’m going with Carolina since I’m a DeAngelo Williams fan, and the game is at Carolina. That, and I don’t like Donovan McNabb’s mom.

Graham: Let’s travel back in time to January, and Jake Delhomme’s last performance, in a playoff game against Arizona: five interceptions, and a lost fumble. So, until further notice, I won’t be taking Carolina in too many pick ‘ems. Philly.


Stay tuned for Part 2 tomorrow.

YouTube Friday

I think they might've shown clips of this kid on The Soup. Either way, I feel like he's a kindred spirit. I'd react the exact same way if someone threw away my cheese.




Chris

I can't quit you, Survivor

As I mentioned last week, I’ve seen a lot of movies. I continue to watch my fair share (thanks to Netflix). I watch a decent amount of bad movies to, just to pass the time I suppose.

Last weekend was no different. With nothing better to do, I watched Paul Blart. I’m not proud of this, but watching the movie did one thing for me. It made me aware of another awesome Survivor song, “I Can’t Hold Back.”

Since I liked the song so much in the movie, I had to watch the video on YouTube.



Here’s my running diary of the video.

First off, we got some guys checking of some magazines. One of the guys is wearing serial killer style glasses and tops off the look with a nice mullet. The video can only go down from here.

But one loner is off by himself, pretending to look at a book although he’s really scooping out a chick at the store. I wonder if they’ll hit it off in the next 4 minutes.

The dude creepily stares at the girl while she pretends to read an Elvis book. The dude continues to stare and she likes it. Has this ever worked in real life? Only if you are a member of Survivor.

The girl is magically transformed from the store to a Survivor concert. Dreams do come true!

Just so we’re clear, the lead singer of Survivor is wearing red leather pants, a tight red tank top and a black leather jacket. I can’t even comment on this. The awesomeness overtook me.

The girl randomly dances in the front row of the concert while Survivor continues to lay down one of the best tracks of all time. I guess Survivor fans are okay with this girl taking up half of the first three rows to dance by herself. Personally, I would’ve tackled the girl for getting in between me and Survivor, but I’m not that classy.

After the rockin’ guitar solo, Survivor heads to the mellow part of the song, and, what’s this, we’re back at the store! This lasts for all of 8 seconds, because Suvivor isn’t mellow, they’re red-blooded American rockers.

The lead signer and the dancing girl are now on a subway. Make any sense? Of course not! Does anyone care? Of course not!

Mullet serial killer guy is getting hit on by 2 girls on the subway while a male nun watches on. Is this entire video just an LSD flashback or something? Is an elephant about to crush the subway car and poop out milkshakes?

The lead singer and the girl kiss, although I’m pretty sure they haven’t even talked to each other yet.

The 2:49 mark is the moment that sends it over the top. Whenever you got a sunglasses wearing male giving you the thumbs up on the subway, your life is complete.

Awesome concert scene. Making out on subway. Awesome concert scene. Making out on subway. Repeat another 3 times.

And we’re back in the store from the opening scene. The other members of Survivor drag the lead singer away from the store…and the girl, and then she ends up getting away. The lead singer just shrugs it off like the ending of a Mentos commercial.

I love the ‘80s.

By the way, how in the hell does this video have over 359,000 views?



Chris

Let's talk about my fantasy

I had my fantasy football draft last week and I won’t go into the gory details. Talking about your own fantasy team is like talking about your child. You care way more about it than anyone else. Yes, I just compared having children to a fantasy football team. And no, I don’t have kids. And yes, this is probably one of the reasons why.

Regardless, I want to go on record with my fantasy likes and dislikes before the season starts.

I’m not going to talk about any player drafted in the first 2 rounds that I like. That’s just lame. However, starting with round 3 players on, here’s the guys I think are due for a big year.

Roddy White
I tried to avoid the obvious about White for the past two years, but I can’t anymore. He’s the number 1 receiver on a top offense. I’m a big fan of drafting guys from good offenses.

Greg Jennings, Ryan Grant
Number 1 receiver and a RB without a timeshare on a top offense. It’s just that easy, right? Plus, they get the play the Lions twice.

Pierre Thomas, Marques Colston
After years of a mancrush on Reggie Bush, I’ve finally given up. I didn’t stray far. As for Colston, as long as he stays healthy, he’s money.

Larry Johnson, Cedric Benson, Jamal Lewis
The way the NFL goes these days, it’s hard to find RBs that aren’t in a timeshare. Carries, and goaline carries, are the name of the game. These guys are going to get them and as long as you don’t draft them as anything more than your 3rd RB, you should be fine.

Jerricho Cotchery
I can’t go against anyone named Jerricho. I don’t think the Jets offense will be that bad, actually.

Donald Brown, LeSean McCoy
I don’t think Joseph Addai and Brian Westbrook stay healthy.

Derrick Mason
Always gets drafted too late.

Donnie Avery
My sleeper WR of the year, which is the kiss of death. The last two somewhat unproven WRs that I counted on like this were Lee Evans (disaster) and Braylon Edwards (Katrina-level disaster).

But it's not all about love when it comes to fantasy. Half of the players I listed above probably won't pan out, thanks to injuries or what not. However, here's a list I'm much more confident about. It's the "Players I Refuse to Draft" list.

Reggie Bush
See Thomas, Pierre.

TO
A past his prime prima donna WR who suffers from the dropsies. No thanks.

Brandon Marshall
A total nutcase with Kyle Orton throwing to him. I haven’t seen a combination that bad since Michael Jackson performed at an elementary school.

Thomas Jones
An over-30 mediocre running back who complained in the offseason in the midst of a coaching change, and you can have him in the first 3 rounds!

Kurt Warner
Can I wager on him missing 4+ games?

Braylon Edwards
I don’t care if Braylon Edwards scores 18 TDs in week 1 and he’s on the waiver wire staring at me. He’ll never be on my fantasy team again. As a matter of fact, if I ever met him, I’d have no problem kicking him in the shin.

Any Tampa Bay Buc
That offense looks destined to be crappy, sorta like my firstborn.

Kyle Orton
Why is he going to be good all of a sudden? I just don’t understand how a crappy QB instantly becomes good and fantasy worthy just cause he got traded to Denver?

Kickers
My head wants to explode every time I see someone draft a kicker before the last round. First off, kickers are fickle. Did you really know John Carney was going to be the 3rd kicker last year and Nate Kaeding would be 14th? Second, in a 12 team league, the difference between the top kicker last year and the 12th kicker was the matter of 1.5 points per week. So, unless you end up losing games by 1 point (and your kicker is outscored that week), it’s a wash. Wouldn’t you rather just draft position players and sleepers for 15 rounds and just grab a kicker in the last round? Isn’t that worth more than the 1.5 points you could end up losing?


Chris

My new basketball defenseive strategy

Playing pickup basketball gives me NBA theories sometimes. Today, I thought about how if someone lets out a dastardly fart in the paint that lingers, people usually laugh and stay away. The team with the ball usually shoots jumpers until the smell subsides.

Thus, the smelly fart in the paint can be a legitimate defense, although no one really gives it the proper credit. However, if NBA teams ever tried to use this defensive strategy, here’s the players I think that would be able to execute the fart defense the best.

Without further ado, my all-fart defensive team.


Center
Eddy Curry
Sometimes, size does matter. I mean, Curry just has too much to work with in this area. That’s the first time anyone has ever written a sentence with the word Curry and work in it.


Power Forward
Kevin Love
Love looks like the humorous farter, the guy that would rip one as loud as possible, immediately start laughing while everyone put their shirt over their mouth, and then tweet, “just let a bacon, egg and cheese sandwich fart in the paint. could be aftershocks on the next possession.”


Small Forward
Matt Harping
Harpring looks like the mean jock that would hold underclassmen down and fart on their face in gym class. Not that this ever happened to me. Let’s move on.


Shooting Guard
Nate Robinson
Sometimes the worst farts are the ones that you don’t hear. Nate looks like he’s the type of guy that would sneak into the paint, rip one right next to Tim Duncan and then run off before anyone is the wiser. I like to think Nate would be proud to be accused of this, as well. Plus, he could use the moniker “Nasty Nate.”


Point Guard
Baron Davis
A shoot-first point guard with no conscience for teammates. He probably hides some cheese in his monster beard and eats some each time on defense. Then again, I’m not sure Baron Davis would even play fart defense. It might be too much effort. He might fart in the paint on offense just so he could secure a few more shots.


Chris

Way to go ABC News!

I saw the following headline yesterday and had to click on it: "Bill Downgraded To A Tropical Storm After Child Dies From Rogue Wave"

It makes it sound like the child dieing in the rogue wave caused Hurricane Bill to be downgraded to a tropical storm. The two items in the headline have nothing to do with each other. Using this logic, here's my headline:

"Fantasy football team looking to dominate after owner ate steak last night."

Also, what the hell is a rogue wave? Aren't all waves "rogue?" I mean, is there a set standard for waves and this wave broke away from that?

Lastly, if you read the story, a man took his 7-year-old and 12-year-old to watch the waves and then got hit with one and swept into the ocean. You got 2 kids with you, shouldn't you be as far away from "rogue waves" as possible?



Chris

RTS recommends....not seeing Inglorious Bastards

I like movies. I like going to the movies. I worked at a video store or movie theater for 7 years combined, for God’s sake. But I think maybe I’ve seen too many movies because half of the movies I see now, I hate. Not apathy, not dislike, f-ing hate.

Inglorious Bastards is on the hate list. What’s even worse about this movie is that I know there aren’t going to be a lot of people that agree with me. Everyone’s going to say, “it was cool….it was funny….blah blah blah.” It’ll probably rival Scarface on my list of movies that are criminally overrated.

First, watch the trailer and then we’ll discuss.



Okay, it looks good, right? It looks like a Quinten Tarantino-Brad Pitt Nazi-killing bloody-as-hell violent fun action movie, does it not?

Well, calling this a Brad Pitt movie is a stretch. Out of the 150 minutes of the film (yes, 2.5 hours!), Brad Pitt is on screen maybe half of it. Talk about misleading. Then, other than the “we’re gonna kill some Nazis” and forest interrogation scenes from the trailer, the action and fun is few and far between.

Seriously, I implore you, save yourself the $10 and 2 and a half hours. I wouldn’t tell you wrong. Then again, I’m going to use this movie as a litmus test to determine whether people are stupid not, so maybe you should see it just so I can figure out if you have a brain.


Chris

YouTube Friday

I'm 28 and still find things like this hilarious. Will I ever reach an age when this isn't funny? I hope not.





Chris