Rocking The Suburbs

The End of Football?

2012-02-10T10:43:00.000-08:00

I love football*. Probably too much. I love football Sundays. I love fantasy football. Chris and I waste a lot of time during the season emailing about football. I have the Green Bay and Milwaukee newspapers bookmarked, and check their Packers sections every day, even in June.

*For purposes of this blog, I refer only to the NFL. College football sucks.

So what will happen when the sport dies?

I read this article on Grantland that examined that very question, one that's been rattling around in my mind for the last few years as we learn more and more about the effects of concussions on players as they age.

The article looks at the economic impact, starting with lawsuits that will leave insurance companies balking at covering players.

But even if the financial model survives, what about the talent?

I have two boys, who in May will be 5 and 2. The older one loves sports, and since the younger one idolizes him, he loves sports too. Without me even forcing them into it, they have adopted sports and will have sports play a big role in their lives.

But as we start looking at what we want them to play, for me, football isn't even in the equation. If they came to me and begged me to play, I'd probably relent. But if they don't ask, I won't be suggesting it. And so far, to my relief, they haven't asked.

A few months ago I had lunch with a local sports radio host. He played football in college and bounced around NFL practice squads for a few years before calling it quits and going into radio. He's about my age, and by all accounts is doing well. He has a good career, he's lost all his football weight and is at a normal size, and is a well-grounded guy.

But physically, he's had surgeries on almost every joint, on almost every part of his body. He says he feels 20 years older than he is. And he considers himself lucky. I asked him if he'd want his son to play, and he didn't even think twice: no.

We just know too much about the impact of the sport now. Where I used to love the huge hits, now they make me cringe. I can't imagine subjecting my kids to that.

As more and more players reveal the impacts of the game, I can't help but wonder how many other parents will be like me: loving the game on TV on Sundays, and hoping like hell my kids don't want anything to do with it.

How many parents will start to steer their kids elsewhere? How many athletic kids will go into basketball or soccer instead? Where will that leave the game?

It will leave it in a scary direction. Kids from the suburbs will have other options. Kids from the inner city won't. Is that what football's destiny is, middle class suburban guys like me cheering on a league comprised almost entirely of inner city kids who are shortening their lives for my enjoyment?

The NFL is a juggernaut, a license to print money. But when you have a sport parents are afraid to put their kids into, the clock is ticking

No Inspiration Needed

2012-02-08T13:48:00.000-08:00

Of all the annoying things about Facebook, (check-ins, new moms, brazen abuse of the Like button), there's been a recent trend on my feed that began as a mild nuisance, and has mushroomed into a critical mass: the inspirational messages.

I don't know what the hell has gotten into my ~~people I barely know~~ friends lately, but for some reason my newsfeed has turned into a never-ending Tony Robbins seminar.

Everyone is determined to share these quotes and messages designed to make everyone feel better about themselves. Just look at this crap:

"Work for a cause, not applause."
"Don't strive to make your presence noticed, just make your absence felt."
"If you do not go after what you want, you'll never have it."

And on and on it goes.

So it begs the question: who the hell needs this crap? Am I friends with a bunch of people who are teetering on the edge of a complete psychotic breakdown, and need these trite slogans to get them through the day?

Seriously, who needs this crap?

At my old job, every now and then they'd bring in a motivational speaker. And for the life of me, I could never understand the purpose behind it. Was I supposed to listen to this guy recite some cliches, then rip off my shirt, sprint back to my desk at warp speed and write the greatest press release of my life? What was I supposed to get out of it?

As much as I joked (uh, yeah- joked) in my last blog about trying to lower people's expectations, I've always tried to be a good soldier at work. I put in extra hours when needed, I make sure my stuff is all taken care of, and I do everything I can not to be the guy that screws it all up. I'm not the guy who's going to be in the corner office, but I'm also not the guy everyone hates to deal with.

To me, that's what it boils down to: take care of your crap. And if you need a lame slogan to get you through the day, then it's going to take more than that to make you feel good about yourself.

Lowering the Bar

2012-01-27T16:56:00.000-08:00

I am the master of lowering expectations. Seriously, I could give lessons. When you lower expectations, you put yourself in a no-lose situation: do something well, and everyone's pleasantly surprised. Do something poorly, and no one's all that disappointed.

So far that position has gotten me through high school, college, work, marriage and parenthood. And most importantly, blogging.

Is it a crappy attitude to take? Probably. But I'm not driven or ambitious enough to care all that much. Do enough to get by, and the rest takes care of itself. I'll never have the corner office, but I'll have more peace of mind.

Why am I telling you all this? Because of the 2012 Seattle Mariners.

The Mariners have caused me no end of anguish over the years. I won't get into the myriad details why, mostly because if I go down that road there's a good chance I end my own life before I end this blog post.

But, like I do every year, I had started to talk myself into them for 2012 after making the trade for Jesus Montero. Not that I thought they'd win the World Series, or even make the playoffs, but to at least be interesting.

It was going a little something like this: "If Montero's as good as advertised, if Smoak and Gutierrez are healthy, if Ackley continues to improve, if Ichiro has a bounce-back year, if Figgins can give them anything, if Carp can really hit, and if they can get anything from their back-end starters, then they can play .500 baseball!"

Well, just when that admittedly misguided optimism had me looking forward them at least being watchable, along comes their GM with this magnificent quote this week:

"This is going to be a challenging year at the big-league level for us," Jack Zduriencik said.

In other words...the GM might as well have the team change their website from mariners.com to this.

How about that for their 2012 marketing slogan: "The Seattle Mariners: This is going to be a challenging year." Quick, get my credit card, I'm buying season tickets!

That quote had me tempted to stand outside Safeco Field and put together a rant reminiscent of this guy.

But you know what? I realized that my man Jack Z is just doing what I do- lowering expectations. If the team sucks- ok, when the team sucks- at least no one will say he got their hopes up.

But if by some miracle the Mariners achieve mediocrity, or even show a hint of being just a bit above average, then everyone will be excited. Getting people excited for a 75-win team? That's how you do it.

Jack you sly little genius, I see what you're up to here, and you're not fooling me.

RTS NFL PLayoff Preview

2012-01-06T16:34:00.000-08:00

Above: Chris and Graham ponder their picks.

Alright readers, here it is. Forget Adam Schefter, Peter King and Chris Berman. Especially Berman. This is the only NFL playoff preview you need. Your two trusty experts (and in Graham's case, an expert who forgot how the seeding system works) look ahead to the playoffs. Forget the Mayans, we really know what's going to happen in 2012.

Chris:
Give me 1 good reason why the Packers won't win the title.

Graham:
One reason why the Packers can't win? Defense. They generate a ton of turnovers, but also give up a lot of yards. If they run into a team that holds onto the ball and drives the field on them, and it happens to be a day where the offense doesn't put up 35 points, then it's trouble. Is that splitting hairs though? I hope not. I don't have much hair and can't be damaging what's left.

Chris:
The Packers defense is suspectible to a ball control offense, but really, what team in the NFC would do that? Your first game should be against Atlanta or New York. I think you'd smoke Atlanta in Green Bay. More likely, you'll play the Giants. That team would scare me because they do have a defense that can get after Rodgers, but still, their offense isn't really ball control. They are at their best with Eli throwing. Honestly, the only good defense/ball control offense in the NFC is San Francisco. Do they concern you at all? I find them laughable.

And where do the Saints fit in to all this?

Graham:
San Fran concerns me in the same way that earthquakes concern me. I know I should be ready, I know they're a real threat, but I just can't see it happening. Their defense is incredible, but Alex Smith is, at best, adequate. Adequate quarterbacks don't get it done anymore (hear that, Falcons fans?).

New Orleans on the other hand, holy crap. Can you imagine a Packers-Saints game? What would the final score be, 71-65?

Chris:
San Fran seems like they'll flame out in their first game. I just don't see them beating New Orleans and then the Packers. As for Packers-Saints, I think the cold weather will keep the game lower scoring, you know, something like 49-45.

Are you concerned about the Giants at all? I think they're the sleeper in the NFC.

Graham:

I'm mildly concerned about the Giants. Packers just beat them earlier this month, but it was close. With Eli, you never know. Will he throw 4 picks? Or will he go for 350 yards and 3 TDs? Here is how I rank the NFC teams by how concerned I am:

Saints: Terrified
Giants: Concerned
Lions: Troubled
49ers: Meh
Falcons: Hahahahaha!

Chris:
Here's how I rank the NFC:

Packers - hard to repeat, but most likely will make Super Bowl
Saints - I just don't trust them away from home.
Giants - streaky, hit or miss, bipolar. They'll either lose the Falcons by 24 or go the Super Bowl. I have no clue about this team.
Lions - Maybe next year
49ers - meh
Falcons - 1 win if they are lucky.

So AFC, it's hard to go against the Pats, but they do have the worst D in the league. Who's beating them?

Graham:
The Pats and Packers have basically the same D, so if you're picking the Pack despite their D you have to consider the Pats as well. Especially since Pittsburgh's lost Mendenhall and Roethlisberger is gimpy. As for Baltimore, is Joe Flacco going into New England in the AFC title game and outplaying Tom Brady? Doubt it. And Cincy, Houston and Denver are just there as first round filler.

Chris:
The last person that dismissed Tebow so quickly was sent directly to hell. Just thought you should know that.

Yeah, the Steelers seem too hurt, but then again, their run game sucked half the time anyway. I think they can win without Mendenhall, but the Clark injury sucks. The best thing about being NE is that they won't have to play Pitt and Baltimore, right? Wait, how dumb it this. It Pitt and Houston win, since Houston is the "better" team, they will play Baltimore. So NE could have to play Pitt instead of Houston, even though they are the number 1 seed. Baltimore is pretty much a lock for the conference finals at this point. So, here's what could happen. Pitt beats NE (already did this once this year), Baltimore beats Pitt at home (already did this once this year) and you get a Baltimore Super Bowl team.

The NFL should let the top seed pick their opponent instead. NE would rather play Houston 8 times than Pitt once.

Graham:
I'm not wasting any more valuable Internet bandwidth on yet another Tim Tebow debate, but I will leave it at this: if he beats Pittsburgh this week I will buy a John Mayer album. I[m not kidding.

The seeding system is so stupid. 7-9 Seattle hosted a playoff game against New Orleans last year because they "won" their division. And Denver gets a home game against Pittsburgh for the same reason. It's completely insane. Why are mediocre teams from bad division getting preference over good teams from tough divisions?

Chris:
So let's get down to it.

Who do you have in the conference finals, who do you have in the super bowl, and who is champ?

Graham:
Here we go:

AFC:
Houston over Cincy
Pittsburgh over Denver

New England over Houston
Pittsburgh over Baltimore

New England over Pittsburgh

NFC:
New Orleans over Detroit
NYG over Atlanta

Green Bay over NYG
New Orleans over San Fran

Green Bay over New Orleans

And in a Green Bay-New England Super Bowl, of course I'm taking Green Bay.

Chris:
Congrats. We had an entire email chain yesterday discussing how New England would have to play the lower seed, Pittsburgh, if both Pitt and Houston won. So what do you do? You predict Houston and Pitt to win and then have NE playing Houston. It would be NE-Pitt and Baltimore-Houston. I assume you'd pick NE over Pitt in the semis, Baltimore over Houston and then NE over Baltimore. Sigh, shaking head, other forms of condescension.

Graham:
Son of a bitch! This is why I hate the seeding system. I was doing this quickly, had Pittsburgh as the higher seed since they had the better record but forgot Houston won the division. FML.

Chris:
Here's how I see it.

Cincy over Houston
Pitt over Tebow

NE over Cincy
Baltimore over Pitt

NE over Baltimore

NO over Detroit
NYG over ATL

NO over San Fran
NYG over Green Bay

NO over NYG

And in the Super Bowl I see NE over NO.

Honestly, I just don't think the Pack got it this year. They peaked too early. Then again, maybe they were just doing the rope-a-dope, in which case, I'm the dope.

Wins and Losses

2011-12-16T16:34:00.001-08:00

In 2011, I’ve had three monumental sports events that have highlighted my year:

-An impending win in my NFL pick ‘em bet with Chris, thus garnering me the Andre Brown.

-My favorite NFL team, the Green Bay Packers, winning the Super Bowl.

-My favorite sports team overall, the Vancouver Canucks, going to the Stanley Cup Finals, only to lose in 7 games to the Bruins.

Recently, it’s dawned on me that I spend infinitely more time thinking about the Canucks’ loss than I do the Packers’ win. And not only that, I can distinctly remember at least 15 different goals, plays or moments from the Canucks’ run (in fact, stay tuned for a countdown!).

With the Packers, apart from Rodgers’s third down pass to Greg Jennings late in the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl to extend their drive and ultimately seal the game, I barely remember anything specific.

I sort of remember a close game against Philly in the first round, an annihilation of Atlanta in the second round, the Jay Cutler injury in the NFC title game (thus leading to Caleb Hanie throwing passes in a conference title game), then jumping out to a big lead against Pittsburgh in the Super Bowl, weathering a rally, and hanging on after the Rodgers-Jennings pass for the title.

But with the Canucks, the entire playoff run is still vivid. The Chicago series alone could fill up an entire blog post- going up 3-0, Roberto Luongo’s Game 4 and 5 meltdowns, Cory Schneider (!) starting game 6, then getting injured, forcing Luongo to come back in late. Luongo starting Game 7 with an entire fanbase teetering on the edge, only to come up huge and keep the team in it until Burrows’s OT winner.

I remember the ugly series against Nashville in Round 2, where I may or may not have changed channels at one point to a How I Met Your Mother rerun. The conference final against San Jose where a stanchion decided the series.

And of course the final against Boston- the Hamhuis injury, the Raymond injury, the Rome suspension, and the offense, especially the power play, drying up completely and costing them the series.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about it.

For a while I couldn’t figure out why the Canucks’ loss trumps a Packers’ win in my memory bank (or for that matter, why I have 50 Dumb & Dumber quotes at my disposal in my brain anytime I need them, but I always have to stop and pause when trying to remember by home phone number).

Then it dawned on me- the Packers only played four playoff games. The Canucks played 25. Twenty-five nights of sitting on pins and needles at the opening puck drop, 25 nights of anguish or triumph, 25 nights cursing or thanking Roberto Luongo. You live and breathe the team for 2 months straight.

And as much as I love the Packers, the once a week routine just isn’t the same.

The Canucks’ playoff run dominated my thoughts almost every day. I could barely function the day of Game 7 against Chicago. In Hawaii during much of the finals, I arranged family outings to make sure we’d be back by the 2 p.m. puck drop. After the Game 7 loss, I went on a long walk by myself to gather my thoughts.

Six months later, it’s still fresh. I still watch YouTube clips weekly. I’m not over it.

But I’m ready to do it again.

And on that note, here are my top-5 moments from the Canucks’ playoff run:

#5: Jeff Tambellini’s hustle on this play.

I wanted something from every series, so this is the one from the Nashville series. If the playoffs are like NBC’s Thursday night lineup, then the Nashville series was definitely Whitney.

#4: The bizarre Kevin Bieksa double OT winner in Game 5 of the conference finals to send the Canucks to the Cup.

#3: Raffi Torres’s Game 1 winner in the Stanley Cup.

After this game, I was 25% sure the Canucks would win the Cup.

#2: Alex Burrows’s Game 2 winner in the Stanley Cup, 11 seconds into OT.

After this game, I was 80% sure the Canucks would win the Cup. I would get a vasectomy if I could go back in time and relive this moment.

#1: This.

I've missed you so damn much

2011-12-09T17:33:00.000-08:00

"We need you. Hell, I need you. I'm a mess without you. I miss you so damn much! I miss being with you. I miss being *near* you. I miss your laugh! I miss your scent.
I miss your musk... When this all gets sorted out, I think you and me should get an apartment together!

The other day, just for shits and giggles, I logged onto “our” blog. Really, at this point, it’s Chris’s blog, with an annual guest contribution from me. It’s in worse shape than David Stern’s credibility.

We started the blog when I moved to Portland in 2008 and was unemployed. And here’s the thing: writing a blog is really easy when you’re unemployed. In fact, it’s invigorating. Nevermind just having time- it’s something you can do and feel productive. “OK, maybe I didn’t get job today, or even get an interview. Fine, I didn’t send any resumes out either. And maybe I watched online porn for an hour. Fine, two hours. But I banged out 800 words on the NBA Draft, so the day wasn’t a complete loss!”

It was going pretty well too. We were even invited to be guests on an internet radio show- a sure sign of success! But then we got bumped - possibly for Darvin Ham, we’re not sure - and even worse (if it can get worse than being bumped from an internet radio interview for Darvin Ham), I got a job.

And pretty soon the job, the two kids, they all became excuses not to blog.

So I stopped blogging, and don’t write much for work anymore and generally haven’t even felt inspired enough to come up with witty Facebook updates.

Worse, something would happen, I’d start to feel inspired to write something, then I’d get on the Internet and immediately find 100 other people who were saying the same thing, so I’d say forget it and play Angry Birds instead.

And you know what? That sucks.

So I’m going to make a concerted effort to have more of a presence around here. And it starts now. Chris listed his favorite songs from 2011, and I’m going to throw mine out there, as well as some TV picks. Here goes:

-Songs:
-Boyfriend by Best Coast
-Brendan’s Death Song by RHCP
-Tongue Tied by Grouplove
-Under Cover of Darkness by the Strokes
-Before the Devil Knows You’re Dead by Delta Spirit
-Low Anthem by Champion Angel
-Little Talks by Of Monsters And Men
-Go Outside by the Cults
-Sprawl II by Arcade Fire

-TV:
This was an absolute Hall of Fame year for TV for me. First, the final season of Friday Night Lights (fine, technically late last year, but NBC re-aired it in the Spring so I’m counting it). Delta Spirit made the cut above because that was the song played over the final montage, and it was perfect. FNL ranks #2 in my pantheon behind only…

The Wire. Started watching last year, and blew through the whole series this year. I could write 10,000 words, and maybe one day I will. But it comes down to this: it is the single greatest show in television history, and I can’t foresee any situation where a better show comes along.

Mad Men: After a wobbly third season that featured way too much Betty Draper, the fourth season this year was possibly the best single season of television I can remember. Every episode took it to new levels. It was so good I’m overlooking the contract disputes that caused it to be delayed 6 months into next year.

Breaking Bad: Like The Wire, I was way late to the party on this one. But I’m into season four, and it’s cracked the Hall of Fame.

The Killing: OK, this show ended up sucking. Royally. But give credit where it’s due- the guy who played Holder went from unwatchable to single-handedly propping up the entire show in a span of 12 episodes. They need to spin his character off into his own show and get him away from that clusterfuck.

Anyway, it’s good to be back. And next week I may post a 5000 word rant on why I’ve spent more time this year dwelling on the Canucks’ Game 7 Stanley Cup loss than the Packers’ Super Bowl win.

My favorite songs of the past 12 months

2011-12-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

Okay, so RTS is pretty much on life support. But what better way to get 2012 started right than a playlist? Here's the official RTS Favorite Songs of 2011 playlist (Chris version). Here's the rules - not all the songs came out in 2011. It's simply my favorite songs that were added to my music library in 2011. And of course, there's a few songs that playlist.com didn't have, cause I'm all "indie" like that. Those are below. Without further ado.

Weezer - Unbreak my Heart

The Naked and Famous - Young Blood

I'm From Barcelona - Battleships

Charles Bradley & The Menahan Street Band - Stay Away

Fountains of Wayne - The Summer Place

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Brendan's Death Song

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Police Station

Grouplove - Tongue Tied

Chris

The return of football, RTS and Andre Brown

2011-08-21T06:46:00.000-07:00

Football’s back, and so are we. RTS will go from blog posts once every 2 months to once every 3-4 weeks. Be still your beating heart!

As our faithful reader(s) know, Graham and I have an RTS Trophy to make things more interesting. It’s the autographed Andre Brown picture. I’m currently the owner of said picture thanks to the Heat folding and the Canucks chocking. But I can’t just rest on my Andre Browns, it’s time to put the prize back up for grabs.

So Graham and I will do a NFL Pick’Em with the winner taking possession of good old Andre until we make some NBA bets, you know, when the season starts in 2012.

Feel free to join in loyal readers, even though your victory would only come with bragging rights. There’s no Andre Brown at the end of the season for you.

Deconstructing Rick Reilly Part 872

2011-06-08T16:21:00.000-07:00

Rick Reilly is writing about LeBron James. In other words, it's one person I hate discussing another person I hate. This would be like Jack Johnson singing about John Mayer. So why am I reading it? Because I'm bored. Here we go:

Reilly: I'm the last guy that wants to write a glowing column about LeBron James.
Graham: And I'm the last guy who wants to read it, yet here we are.
Chris: And I'm simply reading Graham's take on Reilly's take. I'm a snarky copy of a snarky copy.

Reilly: But you'd have to be visually impaired not to see that James is playing gorgeous, selfless, complete basketball.
Graham: Unless blind people are listening to the games and making their own conclusions. No need to be a jerk, Rick. They're blind, they're not stupid. Why does Rick Reilly hate the blind?
Chris: I don't think he's playing "complete" basketball. Scoring is part of that equation. Right?
Graham: Not last night it wasn't.

Reilly: Have you seen the line on the Mavs' No. 2 scoring option, Jason Terry, in the Finals?
Graham: You know who hasn't seen him, Rick? Blind people. Man they suck.
Chris: So we're praising LeBron for shutting down Jason Terry? That's what it's come to? Jason Terry?
Graham: Earlier in the column he had referred to Terry as a "pure outside shooter" or something to that effect...isn't he known for driving to the hoop?
Chris: Jason Terry is a career 16.2 ppg scorer. Dear God, how could you ever shut a guy down that averages 16 points a game? And is he even being shut down? He’s averaging 15 ppg vs. Miami. Even the blind could look up those stats in about, uh, 3 minutes.

Reilly: Eventually, LeBron James is going to win enough rings to start a pawn shop. He may win them by scoring like Wilt.
Graham: “Scoring like Wilt." If it were any other writer that would be a witty double entendre. But Reilly sucks, so I won't give him the benefit of the doubt.
Chris: I think if LeBron James opens a pawn shop, his life has gone horribly wrong, not a celebration of winning lots of NBA titles.
Graham: Whatever the circumstances are that would lead to LeBron opening a pawn shop, I'd love to see that happen. What would he call it? LePawn?

Reilly: Michael Jordan won his fifth ring when a 6-foot-3 guard named Steve Kerr made a jumper. You know who got the assist? Jordan. Was that shrinkage? Do you get an extra ring for scoring the most points?"
Graham: Oh hell no, Rick. Please tell me you are not crediting Steve Kerr for that title. MJ in the 1997 Playoffs: 32.4/5.1/3.5. Steve Kerr: 5.0/0.9/1.1. Big shot by Kerr, but maybe he hit it because the entire defense was focused on the guy averaging 30+ per game?
Chris: Can we never compare LeBron to Jordan again? Please. please, please?

Reilly: Double-teamed with just seconds left in the loser-lays-awake-all-night Game 3, he threw a beautiful corner-of-the-eye, side-wing pass to a wide open Chris Bosh for the winning jumper.
Graham: OK Rick, let me get this straight. He passed out of a double team to his wide open teammate, and for this you're writing a column all about his selflessness. Sweet fancy Moses.
Chris: I'd never pass out of a double-team to Chris Bosh. That doesn't make me stupid. That makes me smart. Bosh sucks. I don't care what anyone else says. If Bosh is my teammate, I'm chucking it every time. I'd do that anyway, but still.
Graham: How pissed do you think LeBron and Wade are that Bosh makes the same amount as them?
Chris: And Reilly just coined a term “loser-lays-awake-all-night.” This must explain why Reilly is an insomniac. Zing!

Reilly: People who only care about "points scored" in a box score are the same kind of people who think the waiter made the soufflé.
Graham: People who think Rick Reilly is still a relevant columnist are the same kind of people who think Rick Reilly is still a relevant columnist.
Chris: Since when did someone care only about "points scored?" Did anyone say that? I want to read the direct quote from the guy that said, "Man, rebounds and assists are stupid. Points scored are all I care about." And also, who calls it “points scored” in a box score? Don't we just call them points? Is there anything other than points scored in basketball? Points not scored?
Graham: I wonder if has different terms for all the others stats..."Rebounds caught", "Assists passed", "Steals stolen".
Chris: And what idiot thinks that the waiter makes the food? What kind of morons is Rick Reilly hanging out with? On second thought, they’d have to be morons to hang out with him. Question answered.

Reilly: James is so ridonkulously talented that we need to come up with new stats for him."
Graham: Hey now, Rick Reilly just dropped a ridonuklous! See, he's hip!
Chris: What better way to prove that LeBron is awesome other than make up new stats to prove it. I'd prefer to use the same stats we use for everyone else, but hey, those might not add up at times, so let's make stuff up. Done!

Reilly: SPU -- Shots Passed Up … by the man you're guarding because that man knows you're a 6-8, 265-pound freak who can move like a tornado and jump like a Calaveras County frog and would've knocked his shot into the mezzanine."
Graham: I'm sure people in Joplin appreciate the casual tornado reference. And what the hell is a Calaveras County frog, and why does it jump higher than every other frog? Wait, I don't even care. But if we were to create this award, I'd nominate Dwight Howard, except apparently Rick Reilly's criteria is that you have to be 6'8, 265 pounds. So I guess that award just comes down to LeBron and the guy who took my milkshake order this afternoon at Burgerville. Good luck, Burgerville guy.
Chris: The frog in Calaveras County is from a Mark Twain story. This is called an allusion, which is like a pop culture reference to prove that you went to college. It's how Reilly maintains his "old crusty writer" card even though he says ridonkulous.

Reilly: Possessions with No Touches … by the man you're guarding, because that man knows you're going to make him look like Elton John's sister if he asks for the ball.
Graham: Can you imagine if Elton John's sister just happened upon this article? "OK, it's been a long day. I'm going to unwind with some web surfing. Hmm...I see American basketball is in the Finals, I wonder who's winning? Let me head over to espn.com...oh, there's that Rick Reilly fellow. I've heard of him. As a prominent sportswriter I'm sure I can glean some information from his article. He's writing about LeBron James, this should be informative...what the f?"
Chris: I'm a little confused. I'm assuming his point is that Elton John's sister is more feminine than Elton John. So is that how it works? Gay dudes have really feminine sisters? I'm so confused by what he is even trying to insinuate about this. I'm pretty sure this is offensive to the gay community, but I'm not part of that community. Graham, are you offended?
Graham: I am offended, but only as someone who appreciates humor and good writing.

Reilly: So, just to recap, LeBron James is…B. Really, really good under pressure in these playoffs. (Remember? In Game 4 against Boston, he scored 11 of the Heat's last 13 in regulation; Game 5 against Boston, Miami's last 10; Game 2 against Chicago, nine of the last 12.
Graham: This is the epitome of Rick Reilly. He spends an entire column blowing LeBron because he's helping his team without scoring, and Reilly thinks he's supporting his argument by listing all the times LeBron led the team in scoring. I'd laugh if I weren't so depressed. God I hate him.
Chris: This column is much better today after LeBron scored, what, 8 points last night? This column is more dated than LeBron's mom.

What does Andre Brown have to do with the NBA and NHL Finals

2011-06-05T15:34:00.000-07:00

So tonight’s Heat-Mavs game means a lot for people in Miami and Dallas, naturally, but what vested interest do a Blazers and Grizzlies fan have in it. A lot more than you would think. See below.

Chris
My mom, a teacher, just calls and says, "we're running a grizzlies store at school and I need to know who number 44 is for the Grizzlies. I have an autographed poster of him we're selling."

I have no clue about roster numbers, except maybe Mayo (32, right?) or whatever, so I tell her to email me a picture. She sends it to me as I'm googling number 44 Grizz as well. Who does it turn out to be.....Andre Brown! I email her the name and then ask how much they are selling it for. I want an autographed Andre Brown poster. It doesn't get more bottom of the barrel than that. What a keepsake! Alas, it's some sort of school auction for the kids, and the poster is going for $3 in play money. I offered $10 in real money, but it's not available for me.

Graham
Andre Brown! Nice! I'd totally forgotten about that guy, and I never forget anyone who played for the Grizzlies while I was there. For God's sake, I remember Andre Emmett, Isaac Fontaine, Will Solomon, and Rodney Buford. But somehow I'd forgotten Andre Brown. So I just looked up his stats, and he played in parts of four seasons for four different teams, with a whopping 10 career games. 10 games in 4 years! When people ask about his career, I pray that he says, "Yeah, I played four years in the NBA", like he was a starter or something. That would be hysterical.

Of course, it begs the question, why did we even make an Andre Brown poster? Or is it a team poster that only he signed? Either way it's hysterical. Tell your mom I'm in for $20. I'm dead serious. You will not outbid me for it.

Chris
We don’t' have the currency for this. They won't take real money from adults. It's for kids, and you have to have play money. Who knew that an autographed Andre Brown poster would be literally, priceless? I'm beside myself. It's a poster. Check it out.

Another thought on Andre Brown and his 4 seasons. He was a big dude. 6'8, 250, right? My question is this, if you are 6'8 or over and can't make it in the NBA, are you pretty much the biggest failure known to man. Maybe not even make it in the NBA, but at least have a respectable career in Europe. I mean, seriously, Brian Cardinal and Brian Scalabrine are still in the league. That's the standard. If you are 6'8 and show up to work on time, you can make it in the NBA for 10 years making 6 figures. If not, you are a loser. Those are the only 2 options really.

Graham
OK, fine, I'll give your mom $1000 in Monopoly money. Look, I'm serious, I want this poster. I'll make a donation to the school. Not like the kids will know, or care.

Anyway, I Googled him, and came across his Wikipedia page (and I can hardly express how happy it makes me that someone is taking the time and effort to painstakingly track Andre Brown's career and keep his Wikipedia page updated), and looks like he's bouncing around the world.

Here's the best part: his most recent gig was in Perth, Australia, where he signed a temporary deal that only became a full season contract when someone else got hurt. I mean, when you're signing a non-guaranteed deal in the Australian league and hoping for an injury, safe to say your career isn't where you thought it would be.

Chris
This brings up several questions.

1. Who the hell is updating the Andre Brown wiki page? If it isn't a family member, well then, it's officially the biggest loser I can think of.

2. Does the person that updates the page get updates on page views? If so, you just made his day. Hell, his month. Even RTS has more page views that than.

3. Does Andre Brown have an agent? I suppose he does. Does he get a cut of that Perth contract? And what would the cut be, $17 or so? Is it just an agent's intern that handles the "Brown account?" And when he got Andre that contract, did he go out drinking and yell, "Drinks on me tonight boys! I just re-upped the ‘Brown account’ for 7-10 days, maybe more if someone gets hurt!"

4. I told my mom your offer of $20 to the school, and no dice. Seriously, some kid is going to get this for $2.50 in fake money.

5. How soon before Thabeet is playing in Perth?

As for how this poster came about, I bet this happened. It's team signing day, and Andre Brown walks in and can't find anything with him on it. He just kinda stands there sheepishly with a sharpie in his hand. A team employee realizes how bad he must feel and says, "Oh, Andre, your stuff is still being brought down, it'll be here in a minute." That employee immediately runs to his office, goes to google images and prints out 20 copies of the 1 Andre Brown Grizzlies photo they can find and brings it down. He signs it and it immediately goes into the Community Relations stack, never to be seen again, until today!

Graham
The Wikipeda page killed me. Here's what it needs to say: "After a four-year career at DePaul, Brown bounced around overseas before playing 10 games in four seasons with four NBA teams. He then returned overseas and last played in Perth."

That's it. But there's someone out there who thinks the world needs tons of info on Andre Brown. And I guess today, we justified that need.

I'd love to know who Andre Brown's agent is. I'll bet he can't even remember he has him as a client.

Chris
By the way, the Andre Brown poster just sold for $4 in fake money. I'm crushed. But, upon further investigation, 2 more things have come up.

First, did you know Andre Brown was a 2000 McDonald's All American? Him and Z-Bo were both on that squad. As I always say, there's a fine line between Andre Brown and Zach Randolph.

Second, you can sponsor his page on basketball reference and write a message. This might be worth the $10.

What message would you write? I think I would put, "Andre Brown, the greatest what-might-have-been of his generation, just like Billy Zane."

I think we should buy this picture, frame it, and put RTS Champ on the frame. Then, every year, we have 1-2 contests between me and you and the winner gets the Brown framed picture, our trophy. And whenever you lose, you have to ship it to the other guy. What a hassle.

The contest could be anything. Football pick'em, fantasy basketball, random bet, etc. Just any time we feel like wagering on something, we bet the photo.

Graham
Dammit! I saw his stats on basketball-reference and they didn't match up with the nba.com stats, so I went back and it turns out nba.com listed preseason stats first, and that's where I got the 10 games in 4 years. Turns out he played 75 games in 3 years with 3 teams, with 1 start. And take one guess as to which team it was he got a start with. Go ahead, you'll never get it. Why the hell does nba.com lead with preseason stats?

Anyway, I definitely like the idea of sponsoring his page. But the message needs to be perfect if I'm shelling out the $10 for this. What if we did it and posted something that had nothing to do with Andre Brown. Like, "Chris said I needed to try the BK Double Stacker, but I'm not much of a Burger King guy, so I'll stick with McDonald's." I mean, the only people who are going to see that page are Andre and his family, so why not do something completely bizarre just to mess with them?

Or, what if we do it and list an email address where we can be reached at, and say we want to get in touch with him to discuss his career. Then maybe he emails us and we can do this really long interview with him and post it on RTS. I mean, this thing would be the most comprehensive Andre Brown interview of all-time. We'd go into detail about what happened in the Greek league last year. We'd blow it out.

By the way, if you had told me when I woke up today that I'd be spending the better part of my morning discussing the life and career of Andre Brown, odds are I might have doubted you.

As for the ebay auction, I like that it comes with a certificate of authenticity. Don't want to get ripped off. I'm in.

Chris
I found another one where we can make an offer. What offer should I send - 1 penny?

The lowest offer I could make was 99 cents plus $6 shipping. To think you offered the school $20 earlier. If this guy doesn't take the $1 plus shipping, well, he's an idiot. This is the ONLY offer he'll ever get.

Graham
I'm willing to go as high as $2, but that's it.

Chris
What's our first bet going to be?

Graham
First bet...hmm...if the Canucks make the Stanley Cup Finals, I take the Canucks, you take Tampa/Boston?

Chris
I was thinking this: You get Canucks to win the Stanley Cup and Heat to win the NBA Finals. I get the field on both. If you win both, you get the trophy. If I win, I get it. If we tie, a new bet starts.

Graham
I hate the Heat, but for an Andre Brown picture, I'll suck it up and cheer for them.

Chris
It really makes the most sense. You get the favorite in both, I get the field.

And honestly, if the Canucks win it all, you won't care if the Heat lose. That's the most likely scenario. C'mon Sharks! That's who I'm rooting for right now, right? What's the series at?

Graham
2-0 Vancouver

Chris
The guy declined my offer for $2.00 as well. I put the note, "Seriously, I'm buying this as a joke. Do you really think anyone else on the planet wants this?"

He turned down my $3.00 offer as well. I broke down and bought it for $7.95. Still a bargain for The Andre Brown. I will let you know when it arrives. Go Sharks! Go anyone but the Heat!

Graham
The EBay guy must be wondering what the hell happened that all of a sudden some guy was going crazy trying to get the Andre Brown from him. Probably wishes he'd priced it higher now.

On the Grizzlies, heckling, Arcade Fire and cool Canadians

2011-04-29T12:08:00.000-07:00

Chris
Remember when Rick Reilly picked Denver in the Conference Finals? They were only 7 wins short of his prediction. So close!

Graham
Man, and Reilly's never wrong!

How are you feeling about the Grizz tonight?

Chris
I'm feeling like I shouldn't have had that last beer after the concert last night.

Ok, here's how I feel about the Grizz.

a. I plan on going to the game. The Grizz are 0-6 when I'm in the building in the playoffs, and 2-0 when I’m not. If they lose, it really is my fault.

b. A lot of the local media is glossing over the game 5 loss. “It was a tough but expected loss. The way it was lost was just absurd. This team is mentally strong and will bounce back. No need to worry. All is well.” I'm completely opposite. I know, KNOW, the loss was a fluke and I don't think that the loss, in itself, will affect tonight's game. However, with all but 1 game coming down to the wire, what's to say that this one doesn't come down to the wire as well, with us on the wrong end of it. That's a completely legit outcome. And that scares the shit out of me. What if Z-Bo or Shane misses a 3 in the final minute tonight? What if Jefferson finally hits one? I'm concerned. I'm not concerned that we'll play poorly or anything. I'm just concerned we'll be on the losing end of a tight game.

c. Uh, am I still doing letter points after the last one was an incoherent mess?

d. Yes, and I'm answering my own questions with 1 sentence answers, Calkins-style.

e. Alright, enough of that. Bottom line. This is the first "must win" game of the series for the Grizz. Maybe Game 3 was a bit like that as well. But this feels like a must-win for both teams. The winner of this game advances. I really think that goes for both us (obvious) and them. We will not win game 7 in San Antonio. I just pray to god the refs don't get whistle happy on the flops the Spurs pull all the damn time. The Spurs average 37 free throws in SA and only 23 in Memphis (via Chris Herrington). As long as I don't watch an f-ing free throw contest tonight between Ginobili and Parker, I'm calling this a Grizz win. 97-90. The bench keys the win by building a double digit margin late in the 3rd and the Spurs never get the lead again.

f. If the Grizz lose, post this email as the final one on RTS. I'll be wading in the Mississippi River immediately after the game.

Graham
Biggest thing is not getting down early again like Game 5. Can't imagine the Spurs are going to cough up too many more double digit leads. But this team doesn't seem intimidated by the moment like the first Grizz playoff teams did. I actually have a pretty good feeling they will win tonight. Amazing- here I am typing that I have a pretty good feeling the #8 Grizz can take out the #1 Spurs.

Chris
Yeah, it's really absurd to think about the expectations these Grizzlies have created for themselves. At this point, it would seem that it would be an upset for the Spurs to win the series. And I think the Grizz have a better chance against the Thunder than the Spurs do, as well.

I was thinking about this today in the shower. The Grizzlies almost beat the Spurs 4-1. Think about that. 4-1 is dominant by any measure, but Grizzlies 4, Spurs 1? Spurs the 1 seed, Grizz the 8...Spurs with homecourt advantage, and it took 2 fluke shots just to force a freaking game 6.

If the Grizz were going to win the series, it would have to be in 6 games. That's what anyone would've thought. Well, here it is. Let's do this.

Graham
Please don't tell me anything about your showers again. I picture you naked enough as it is, it's starting to get awkward.

How was the Arcade Fire?

Chris
I can't come back from that.

Arcade Fire was good. The show was excellent but I thought they should've played a little more. I think they played about an hour and 40 minutes. I wanted 2 hours. But they are easily the coolest Canadians I know. Number 2 is Alan Thicke. You're a distant 3rd.

Funny story about last night. I was standing in the beverages line and I happened to see the Spurs Media Relations guy walking to get a coke. I'm not quite sure why I recognized him, but I know that he had 0% clue who I was. Anyway, as I see him walking towards me, I just start saying, "Booo, booo Spurs" until he looks at me. He just laughed a little as he walked by. I bet he was standing there going, "how the hell does that guy know I work for the Spurs." He was in plain clothes. Anyway, that's how I roll. He was in Grizz country. I had to let him know I was there man. He was with Matt Bonner and Richard Jefferson. I was a little depressed those guys had good taste in music.

Graham
I know I can't compete with the Arcade Fire and Alan Thicke, but I'm cooler than Alex Trebek? Sweet.

Nice that you heckled the PR guy. Well played.

Chris
You beat Trebek and Bryan Adams. I think you buttered me up talking about how often you picture me naked. I think our emails just jumped the shark. I used "buttered" and "me naked" in the same sentence.

Graham
Watch us put up a preview that they'll win, and go out and lose by 30. We'll be the Rick Reillys of the blogosphere!

Chris
Except cooler. You ARE number 3 in my Canadian Power Rankings.

We can't quit you Rick Reilly

2011-04-16T07:20:00.000-07:00

Neither Graham nor I have posted in months. We’ve both been busy with, uh, going to our jobs and watching sports. It’s hard out here for a pimp! Regardless, the entire point of this blog is pretty much to make fun of sports media members 5 times a year. What better way for RTS to jump back into the blogging scene than a Rick Reilly column on the NBA. Sometimes, it’s just too easy.

Reilly: New Orleans Hornets vs. Los Angeles Lakers -- Forget it. Without David West, even Chris Paul on a "Limitless" pill can't win two games in this series. Lakers in 5, and Paul calls Student Movers the next day.

Chris: Doesn't the limitless pill make you realize your full potential? Wouldn't we agree Chris Paul has already done that? What, it would take him from 95% of his potential to 100%. What a big fucking jump. And what a bold move to say the Lakers in 5. Uh, this is a sweep.

Graham: The Chris Paul Limitless pill. I haven't seen the movie, but from the trailer it supposed the pill can make you 100% in every aspect of your life. So how would Chris Paul all of a sudden correctly predicting the stock market have any effect on his game? Can it fix his knee?

Chris: Yeah, I'm still confused by this one. Shouldn't the line have been "not even Chris Paul with Greg Anderson as his trainer could save the Hornets."

Reilly: The Thunder, everybody's cool new kid in class, is about to get a wedgie in front of the whole playground.

Chris: Weren't the Thunder good last year? How is this team "new"?

Reilly: Never pick a team with Zach Randolph on it. He has an extra punk chromosome. What's remarkable is that Memphis coach Lionel Hollins looked like a guy TRYING to lose so he could play the Spurs in the first round.

Chris: Don't even get me started. Congrats on showing you haven't seen Zach Randolph play the last 2 years. And the Grizz had 3 options - win twice and maybe get Dallas or LA. Go 1-1 and maybe get Dallas or LA. Go 0-2, rest your best players, play the Spurs. It's not like any of these scenarios were ideal.

Reilly: What do Oasis, Winona Ryder and the Mavericks have in common? They're massive underachievers.

Chris: Oasis and Winona Ryder? Way to keep up with current pop culture Rick! I bet he had to google Oasis and Ryder too.

Graham: Can you really call Oasis underachievers? They were one of the biggest bands of the 90s! They sold 100 million albums! And Winona Ryder can't act so the fact she got as big as she did is amazing in itself.

Chris: I was so perplexed by the mid '90s references that I forgot to get offended by the shot at Oasis. I like Oasis!

Reilly: Philadelphia 76ers vs. Miami Heat -- The Heat are fueled by emotion more than any other team in the league. The world will be watching them in this series.

Chris: Nope, everyone will be watching Celtics-Knicks buddy. No one cares about Miami till the next round. This series couldn't be less exciting.

Reilly: New York Knicks vs. Boston Celtics -- Boston is the John McCain of these playoffs. Great story, good ideas, too old. If New York had just one more big, it could win this, but it insisted on Chauncey Billups instead. Plus, Rajon Rondo is a god.

Chris: Wait, John McCain is a great story? What story is that? And how is Boston a great story? Aren't they a tired story? Aging vets try for one last ring. And how are the Celtics a "good idea." If the idea was to trade a young low post defender, rebounder and intimidator because you have washed up Shaq and Jermaine O'Neal, then yeah, they are a good idea. And wasn't Chauncey part of the trade for cap reasons? And what "big" did Denver want to give them? Chris Anderson? And Rajon Rondo is a god? The god of crappy free throws, I suppose.

And Reilly picked Denver over San Antonio. Awesome. I give Denver in the Conference finals a .05% chance of happening. There's a greater chance Winona Rider becomes a star again.

Reilly: Boston vs. Miami -- The showcase series of the playoffs. So many stars, some are in the third row. Rondo locks up Dwyane Wade, but LeBron, making up for the hot mess he put on in the 2010 playoffs, averages 38 and 8 and three new dance moves a night. Boston might've won this if it'd known Shaq was going to be the first superstar to retire and still show up for games.

Chris: Rondo locks up D-Wade? By locks up, you mean, forces him straight into the paint where Shaq fouls him hard as shit, then yeah, Rondo locks him up. Boston was a "great idea" the last series, but now they are the morons that trusted in a washed up Shaq.

Reilly: Denver vs. Los Angeles -- This one is as one-sided as The Falkland Islands War.

Chris: Any time you can reference a war that lasted 74 days 28 years ago, you have to.

Graham: Falkland Islands War. Wow. 96% of his audience will have no idea what he's talking about. It would be like making a joke about the Quebec separatist movement. In fact, I'd like to see that.

Chris: Graham, you're completely wrong on this. I'm guessing 96% of Reilly's audience is some middle aged man who paid attention to the Falkland Islands War back in 1982, you know, when I was 2 years old.

Reilly: Miami vs. Chicago -- With home-court advantage, the Bulls weather the wave after wave of attacks on Rose.

Chris: So the homecourt advantage allows the Bulls to weather attacks on Rose. Do the fans get involved or something? And if they didn't have homecourt advantage, then the Bulls would just quit if D-Rose gets knocked down? I’m so confused.

Reilly: Los Angeles vs. Chicago -- The Lakers fall apart like a Jenga tower. Andrew Bynum's legs give out. Kobe's shoulder gives out. Pau Gasol's knee gives out. Rose is so quick and full of energy against the Lakers, he looks like a squirrel trapped inside an assisted living home. Bulls in 6, Rose in full bloom. Don't need to dream that.

Chris: So he's betting that the Lakers sustain injuries to their 2 best players and 3 of their top 4 players and still take the series to 6 games. Are the Lakers tied 2-2 and then everyone gets injured at the same time? How does this work? A squirrel trapped inside an assisted living home? I'll have to take Reilly's word on that, since he's old enough to live in one.

Graham: How is a squirrel trapped in an assisted living home any more energetic than a squirrel trapped in a regular home? Or a school? Or a library? Or really, any other edifice of any kind?

Chris: And if it's trapped, does it have as much energy? Shouldn't it be a squirrel running lose in an assisted living home? And I suppose the assisted living home is a shot at the Lakers age, you know, since they are all 15-20 years younger than Reilly.

Dribble Pro - Comedy Gold

2011-01-23T08:15:00.000-08:00

Every so often I check the Commercial Appeal to see what Geoff Calkins has come up with, and today I found an article on Henry Bibby inventing a ball to help with dribbling, with a link to the crappy commercial:

Here's what I love about the ad:

-Jim Hill, "Professional Sportscaster". Wow, he got THE Jim Hill? What a coup!

-Jim Hill's tie is crooked.

-The "interview" cracks me up. Why do they even need an interview? Why do they even need Professional Sportscaster Jim Hill? Can't Henry Bibby just look at the camera and give his pitch?

-Bibby: "I re-engineered the surface of the basketball."

No you didn't. You glued some studs on it.

-A celebrity endorsement from Professional Basketball Player Miles Simon! Yes, THE Miles Simon. Jim Hill and Miles Simon in the same infomercial, this product can't fail! How quickly did Miles Simon say yes when asked to do this? And did he make enough money from it that he can afford to get an apartment and stop living out of his car?

-The kid who says, "This s the best thing my parents ever game me!" Better than love, kid?

-Another celebrity endorsement, this one from Lou Amundson! The A-listers keep coming out for this!

-In the "other pros who recommend Dribble Pro, Darrell Arthur's name is misspelled and mispronounced. Come on, Professional Sportscaster Jim Hill, do your preparation!

-OK, here's the part that almost had me in tears. As they're reeling off the names of the other pros who recommend DribblePro, Darrell, DeMarre Carroll, Jason Hart and Lou Amundson are all listed ahead of Rudy Gay and Mike Conley, who then don't even get named by Professional Sportscaster Jim Hill, they just get a "and many more". I wonder if Mike Conley threw his DribblePro through the TV when he saw that.

-Look, it's Jason Hart with an endorsement!

-The before and after clips of the guy bumbling with the ball. Yeah, I'm buying that whole scenario.

Graham

And a retort from Chris.

First off, did Henry Bibby really sit around and come up with the Dribble Pro, or did some yokel in his garage conceive it and then try to get an investor to sign off on it? I'm leaning towards the latter. And once he finally got an investor, did they figure out a budget for the pitchman and determine they could get Henry Bibby, Jim Hill and Miles Simon for 1/10 of the cost of Chris Paul? I need to know these things. Where is the lost footage of the initial Dribble Pro braintrust getting together?

I also noticed that Darrell Arthur's name was spelled wrong and mispronounced. I'm not sure if this is an indictment against them or us.

Did you notice that the majority of the basketball players were not only obscure, but aren't ballhandlers? You mean if I get this basketball, I'll be able to dribble like Lou Edmondson? Why didn't you say so! If only they came out with a basketball that made me shoot free throws like Dwight Howard or shoot three-pointers like Antoine Walker!

Lastly, how sad did Rudy Gay and Mike Conley feel for Henry Bibby when he asked if they'd endorse this basketball? Was Bibby quietly sobbing over dinner talking about how he'd be swindled by some Dribble Pro scam artists and just need a few Memphis Grizzlies players to bail him out? Was Rudy Gay offended that DeMarre Carroll was involved in the meeting, or did Bibby have to fly out to Dakota with Carroll in the D-league to get his endorsement?

Title Game Previews and then some

2011-01-22T05:34:00.000-08:00

Chris
I guess we aren't doing a playoff preview this week? Well done us, half-assed bloggers.

Graham
No we can do one. Let's knock this bad boy out...

We'll start in the AFC. The Jets went into Indy and knocked out Peyton Manning. Then they went into New England and completely discombobulated Tom Brady. Isn't it reasonable to think they can do the same to Ben Roethlisberger? I mean, why not? And you factor in that Rashard Mendenhall basically sucks...isn't it fair to assume they can do it one more time?

Chris
Guess who’s going to discount the Jets one more time? This guy.

First, we admitted Indy was down this year. I just didn't trust Mark Sanchez. And really, my mistake was trusting Jim Caldwell. I feel so dumb thinking he could do anything right. The fact that the Colts made the Super Bowl with him as their coach last year is probably the most impressive feat of the century. Seriously, who was the starting RB for the Colts in the Super Bowl last year. Addai? Was he healthy? I have no clue. Anyway, we're talking Jets, aren't we? So the Jets beat the Colts. Big deal...hardly. Now, what they did to the Pats was impressive. But it got me thinking. The Colts and Pats are built the same way. Suspect D. Great QB. Good WRs. Crappy RB. So shouldn't we have seen a tough, physical team being able to beat the Pats? But that game was their Super Bowl. They aren't going into Pitt and doing it again. They're spent. Plus, Pitt is just like the Jets but better. Better D. Better QB. Better WRs. At home. And they have a QB that just won't quit. That tops a guy with a foot fetish any day. Steelers win 24-16.

Graham
But at some point don't we need to start taking the Jets seriously? They gave Tom Brady nothing last week. If they're good enough and smart enough to come up with a game plan to completely shut down a team that previously beat them 45-3 earlier in the season, then they can certainly do enough to frustrate Ben Roethlisberger so badly he'll want to take them into a bar bathroom.

But then, you have to flip it around too- What the hell do the Steelers have in store for Mark Sanchez? Crap, can you imagine what they're going to do with Polamalu? Sanchez is going to have to spend the first 10 seconds at the line finding him, then trying to figure out what to do. He'll be more confused than you trying to find a g-spot. (I challenge you to leave that joke in the blog).

This is going to be one of those low-scoring defensive slugfests that make for such compelling television. You know what, screw it. Jets 14-13.

Chris
You know what's harder to find that the g-spot...a picture of you with a full head of hair. Look at what Mark Sanchez is doing to us, he's tearing RTS apart!*
*The Room reference.

I take the Jets seriously. What they did to the Pats was impressive. Can they shut down the Steelers offense, of course. But Ben isn't going to take their shots lying down. He'll give them shots of his own. And then, perhaps, some shots to their wives, girlfriends or daughters. But I digress. I simply view Ben as better than Sanchez and the Steelers D as better than the Jets. I really hate both of these teams.

Chicago doesn't stand a chance this week, right? Doesn't that scare you?

Graham
Well played, my nemesis. Well played. And I don't know what The Room is, so even better. But hey- the jerk store called, and they're running out of you!

Anyway, there's no way the Packers win Sunday. None. Don't even know why they'll bother showing up. I am completely dismissing them.

Chris
Go to Youtube, type in "The Room You're Tearing Me Apart." It's easily the best moment in cinema history.

If the Packers lose, it's because the Bears D is criminally underrated, or they choke, or God hates you.

Graham
We already know God hates me, as I'm a Mariners fan.

Chris
Why does your offense suck so bad against the Bears? Is their D that good?

And really, if we have a Mark Sanchez-Jay Cutler Super Bowl, isn't that an indictment against everything we think about the NFL?

Graham
If it's Jets-Bears, I might not even watch. I won't be the least bit excited.

Chris
If it's Jets-Bears, I'll take pee breaks and head to the fridge during the game and just watch commercials.

Graham
If it's Jets-Bears, I'll opt instead for a Sex and the City marathon.

Chris
I've got the complete set! I mean, my wife has the complete set!

Graham
And as far as SATC goes, remember the episode where Carrie was whining about her love life, and Samantha had sex with some random guy, and Charlotte was acting like a spoiled bitch and the ugly one was doing whatever she was doing? That one was awesome.

In Which I Make Fun of a Minor League Baseball Team

2011-01-14T12:58:00.000-08:00

Not many people know that one of Chris's passions in life is minor league baseball. I know, I think it's weird too, but who am I to judge.

So earlier this week, after he was perusing the website for the Roswell Invaders (of course he was), he sent me a link to their website, featuring a series of photos of their rather, uh, modest, ballpark.

OK, I'm being nice. The place is a dump. But dammit, it's their dump, and they're proud of it. Go see for yourself.

After spending a good 20 minutes trying to gather myself after hysterical laughter, I put together a list of things about the photos that crack me up. In no particular order:

-The photo of the bleachers that have a roof over them. "Oooooh, covered bleachers. Classy."

-The park is called Coca Cola Park. Do you think Coke HQ has any idea their name is attached to this dump? Some regional VP in New Mexico bragged to the head office that he got naming rights on a stadium deal, but didn't bother to inform anyone it looks like the park I grew up playing Little League in. I almost feel like I should send Coke a note letting them know what they've invested in.

-The shot of the dugout taken from 200 yards away. "Yep, it's a bench." The fact that it seems to be situated right next to a neighbor's storage shed is strangely appropriate. Then later on there's another shot of the same dugout, taken from even further away. Then one taken at night. Baffling.

-I can't quite tell what the point of the fourth photo is. The "monument" is in the photo, but there's a better shot of it in the first photo. Maybe they're proud of the net, I don't know. Mostly it looks like a shot of a cloudy day.

-In the first shot of the locker room, the one couch is in total disarray. And the intern (or possibly vice president) who was assigned to take these glamor shots for the website didn't take 10 seconds to put the pillows into place.

-The night time shots. I don't even know why, but it kills me that they made some poor bastard stay late then go out there at night to take these photos.

-In one of the night photos, there are patches of grass growing in the basepaths, which are not unlike the effects of my ill-fated attempts to grow a beard at 17.

By the way, there isn't supposed to be grass in the basepaths.

-If you look carefully at the night time shot of what appears to be home plate, it seems no one has mowed the infield in at least 6 weeks.

-The locker room decor consists entirely of a Johan Santana Fathead. From when he was with the Minnesota Twins. His last season there: 2007.

"Hey boss, should we spring the $30 for a new Santana Fathead since he's been with the Mets for 3 years?"
"Is the old one peeling off the wall yet?"
"No."
"Then you have your answer."

NFL Playoff Predictions: Round 2

2011-01-12T19:21:00.000-08:00

Kansas City will keep it close against the Ravens. There’s no way Seattle can beat the Saints. Are you ready for more bold playoff predictions from RTS?

Graham
Let's start with the easiest call of the week to make: the Patriots are going to steamroll the Jets. Without Jim Caldwell there to save their asses, I don't see any way the Jets beat the Patriots.

By the way, I know the foot fetish jokes are old, which is why I'm furious that I didn't think of this sooner. At work last week a few of us had the Jets-Colts game on and sure enough the foot jokes start flying. So I finally chime in and say, "You think Rex Ryan was furious when barefoot kicking went out of style?", then went on about him approaching Nick Folk in the locker room to convince him to try it, promising to rub his callouses, etc. Maybe it doesn't translate in print, but it killed. But it came weeks after the whole thing came out. I'm slipping.

Anyway, back to Jim Caldwell for a second. What other obvious decisions can he botch?

"Hmmm...my gas gauge says I'm low, but I'm sure I can make it another 50 miles."
"This meat seems awfully undercooked. Whatever, I'm sure I'll be fine."
"Look, we're drafting Hasheem Thabeet and that's that!"

Chris
The Colts-Jets game was exhibit A in why Jim Caldwell sucks. If I recall, we both said he botched the Super Bowl as well (saying the difference in the game ended up being Sean Payton's balls vs. Jim Caldwell's, uh, lack thereof). Anyway, I tweeted this Saturday night, "Jim Caldwell is killing independent Peyton Manning." (You are damn right I just quoted a tweet of myself in an email that I'm going to post on my blog and then link to it on facebook. Take that world!)

Anyway, Peyton's got a few elite years left, maybe what, 1-2, and he has to sit there and watch Jim Caldwell call timeouts for the other team? What an asshole. The Colts aren't my team, but I really am disgusted watching men make millions of dollars to be incompetent. If I wanted to watch assholes make tons of money for being incompetent, I'd start following politics. I'd prefer to watch brilliant coaches one-up each other back and forth, like chess, or something. Is that too much to ask, for coaches to be equally as smart as us at football strategy?

As for your Rexy Ryan joke, it sounds very good. Next time put me on speaker phone. I'm not sure if I told you this, but after the Ryan thing came out, I thought SNL had great material for a skit where Ryan is walking around the locker room after a game and all the players quickly drop their towels covering their man parts when he walks by to cover up their feet instead. How would that not have worked for SNL? Oh yeah, cause no one watches it anymore.

So yeah, I hate to quickly dismiss the Jets at Pats since that's what we did with the Seahawks, but I don't see a scenario in which the Pats lose, unless it involves Jim Caldwell Tony Allen-ing Bill Bilichick. (Tony Allen - verb, means to beat up and steal someone else's job with no consequences).

Graham
I like how we learned nothing from dismissing the Seahawks. "Meh, whatever, the Patriots will handle them, why bother."

Don't think we can do that with the other AFC game though. Baltimore-Pittsburgh is a tough one to call. As a Rashard Mendenhall fantasy owner, I can tell you Pittsburgh's ground game was useless the last 6 weeks of the season. I see no reason why it changes now.

So can Big Ben and the passing game win it? I'm not so sure. But then again, do I want to pick Joe Flacco to walk into Pittsburgh and pull out a road win? I'm not so sure about that either. Here's what I am sure about: this game is going down to the wire. I'm taking the Steelers. Barely.

Chris
Ravens-Steelers is good, hard-hitting, but ultimately boring football. I mean, I know this game is going to be like 13-10 or 17-14 or something like that. I have a hard time believing that the winning team even breaks 20. It's just field position, punts, and you pray you don't make a backbreaking turnover. Can't I just flip it on at the start of the 4th quarter? Philly-GB, that was a game that I had no clue about. It could've been 45-38, one team could've cruised, or it could've been what it ended up being. There are simply not a lot of options with Baltimore-Pitt. Unless Ben date-rapes Joe Flacco or something.

Anyway, this game is a coin-flip to me. And the smart pick is Pitt. But I like Baltimore as a team more, and hate Big Ben. So why not stick with my preseason love of Baltimore?

Graham
I'm with you on the boring part. Reminds me of 1980s NFC East "battles" that announcers over 70 drool over, even though they're boring as hell.

Chicago-Seattle...crap, I have no idea what to make of this game. I hate the Bears, and not just because I'm a Packers fan. As crazy as it is to say about the #2 seed, I just don't think they're that good. And I don't trust Jay Cutler one bit. This seems like one of those games where he could throw 4 picks.

Then there's the Hawks...all jokes aside, from what I saw of the New Orleans game, they were the better team. It would be one thing if the Saints shot themselves in the foot and handed it to Seattle, but that didn't happen. The Hawks legitimately earned that win. You know, just like we predicted. (Note: must redact previous blog post). Now, it's one thing to do that at home. Can they do it on the road, in the cold? I'm saying yes.

I trust Matt Hasselbeck more than I trust Jay Cutler, and I think that makes all the difference. Hasselbeck isn't reckless- if he can't exploit the secondary like he did against New Orleans he'll keep it simple. Cutler can't do that, he only knows one way to play and if it isn't working, he keeps trying anyway. I think he makes a couple of critical mistakes that cost them the game. And the f'ing Seahawks will go to the NFC title game.

Chris
I couldn't, COULDN'T, be less interested in Bears-Seahawks. I assume Chicago will win, but Seattle did throw me for a loop. They are playing for 2nd place, that's all I know. I would be shocked if the winner of this game made the Super Bowl. So really, why put more thought into it? The Bears should win this game and then lose. Although a Pack at Bears title game would have me sweating if I were you.

By the way, how stupid is it that the Falcons win the NFC and then have to play Green Bay instead of Seattle thanks to seeding and division bullshit. Shouldn't the Falcons have the right to pick? I think Bill Simmons wrote about this once upon a time, and I'm too lazy to look it up, but how cool would it be if Sunday night the Falcons and Patriots both had press conferences to announce which team they played next week. And how cool would it be if Bill Bilichick just flipped a coin and said, "I don't give a shit who comes to Foxboro next week. We're kicking their ass." He just throws up a coin and walks out before it lands. This isn't a better idea than the Falcons having to play the Packers instead of the Seahawks?

Graham
As badass as it would be for Belichick to flip a coin and walk out, it would be even better if he didn't even bother attending the press conference and sent an intern instead. Some nervous 21 year-old gets up to the podium..."So, um, this is a bit awkward, but Mr. Belichick said he was going on vacation this week until Sunday and that I should come here instead. He said he was going to some island where they don't even get cell service. He said he'd know who they were playing when the other team ran out on the field. So, uh, here I am I guess."

Chris
Even better! Get Mr. Goddell on the phone right now. Tell him RTS is on the line with brilliant playoff scenarios.

Graham
And while we're on the phone with him, we can ask how he can claim to be concerned with head injuries while simultaneously forcing an 18-game schedule on the players.

Anyway, Packers-Falcons. I'm saying Packers, obviously.

Chris
Speaking of 18 game seasons, why don't they have an 18 game season with 2 bye weeks and each player can only be active for a maximum of 17 regular season games. So, a guy gets injured and misses a week or two, he can play the rest of his games, but the iron men like Peyton and what not, those guys are going to have to be forced to miss 1 game. Now, you wouldn't sit him in the first 10 games, right, cause he might get dinged up later, but still, it's week 14 and the Colts have the 3-9 Cardinals at home. Do you go ahead and just rest Peyton, or does everyone rest in week 20? I'd love to see this.

And how much would it torture you as a fantasy owner, waiting to see which week your guy is healthy and sits out. Plus, would you sit your best players out at the same time and just take a loss, or try to stagger it. Jim Caldwell's head just exploded.

Packers win...but why Graham, or rather, how?

Graham
I hate your idea, just for fantasy purposes. It drives me insane enough as it is. One time during fantasy baseball, after the rosters locked for the week one of my relievers announced he had to miss the week to go to China to finalize the adoption of a kid. I was livid. I don't know if I've ever been that mad. You have 6 months in the winter to take care of that stuff, don't do it during the season.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh yeah, Packers. Look, I quoted all the stats in last week's preview. Not they appear to have a running game as well. And I won't publicly predict against my favorite team. So Packers it is.

Chris
But half of your info from last week revolved around the stats the Packers put up at the Eagles and Kevin Kolb. Now you are just going to ignore the stats that your beloved Cheese put up at Atlanta when they lost? I'm not saying you have to pick the Falcons, but last week, you really did sell me on the Packers. I would've flippantly picked the Eagles and gone 1-3 in my picks. You talked me into a very respectable 2-2 (since no one in their right minds would've picked Seattle). So explain exactly how the Pack win? James Starks is the key difference between this week and your previous Georgia Dome loss?

Graham
There were only a handful of Eagles-exclusive stats, but ok, I'll play along.

-Here is the Packers' margins of defeat for their 6 losses this season: 3, 3, 3, 3, 4, 4. They can play with anyone.

-One of those losses was to Atlanta by a last second field goal. You'll never believe this but the Falcons were in position to make that FG because Green Bay went to the prevent defense. Anyway, in that game Green Bay's leading rusher was Aaron Rodgers, with 51 yards. Brandon Jackson, who is a worse runner than Hasheem Thabeet, piled up exactly 26 yards on 10 carries. Now, I'm not going to suggest that after one good game Starks is the second coming of Barry Sanders, but let's just say he can do a little better than 2.6 yards per carry. That gives Green Bay another weapon to use against Atlanta.

-On the flip side, they held Matt Ryan to 197 yards passing, including just 49 yards to Roddy White. If the Packers can take White out of the game again, that's a big blow to Atlanta.

-Clay Matthews had 0 PDs in that game. That's huge. he needs PDs for them to be effective. In fact, no one on the team had a PD, that has to change.

-One of the days I will figure out what a PD actually is, but I'm wondering now if it's Pass Deflections. Maybe I'll look it up. Maybe.

-Atlanta's three losses this year: Pittsburgh, Philly and New Orleans. They did squeeze out close wins against the Packers, Ravens and twice against Tampa. But they didn't once beat a quality opponent by more than six points. They fattened up against weak teams. By contrast, the Packers beat Philly, NYJ, NYG and Chicago all by seven points or more. We already know Green Bay will keep it close, so who's more prepared for it?

Chris
I am going with the Falcons

Graham
I always thought you were a loser.

Chris
I think this is the hardest game to pick. Atlanta sure did choke and tighten up against the Saints at home a few weeks ago. The pressure is on them. Are we sure Matty Ice won't melt? Zing! I think it'll be Packers at Bears for the right to lose to the Pats. I'm with you buddy. (Cue "That's what friends are for.")

Wild Card Weekend Preview

2011-01-08T04:36:00.000-08:00

Are you ready for Graham’s first post of 2011? Of course you are. Sadly, it’s a joint post with Chris, but Graham fans, take what little morsel you can get. (There’s a joke in there somewhere). It’s none other than the 2011 RTS NFL Playoff Preview. And we’re posting it less than 24 hours before the first game, because, uh, we put it off till the last minute. Our bad, 11 fans. On to the Wild Card Weekend preview.

Graham
NY Jets @ Indianapolis. I have no idea what to make of this game, other than that if I were Peyton Manning, I'd go out for the first series in bare feet, just to screw with Rex Ryan. Before beating the hapless Bills in the season finale, they Jets lost 3 of 4. Indy won 4 in a row to end the season, but other than the first place showdown with Jacksonville, 2 were to Tennessee and the other was to Oakland. Plus, they can't run the ball, and they're hurt.

Part of doesn't want to bet against Peyton Manning, but on the other hand, he's an enormous douche. I was watching the Jacksonville game when Austin Collie ran a route across the middle, Manning underthrew him, and as Collie went down for the ball he got hammered and was nearly paralyzed. He laid there motionless for a while, and it was several minutes before Manning, whose underthrown ball was the reason Collie was nearly relegated to a wheelchair for the rest of his life, came over to check on him. Even then, it was halfhearted, and he walked away as quickly as he could. It was pathetic. So because of my newfound dislike for Manning, I'm taking the Jets.

Chris
First off, let's get this out of the way. Did you see Rex Ryan's quote about losing to Peyton Manning last year in the playoffs? He said, "You lose a playoff game, it's devastating. I want to put the shoe on the other foot. I know this team does too. We want him to experience it this time."

Now, I care not about Rex Ryan and his proclivity to feet. However, can't he talk football without bringing them into the mix? It's not like Daunte Culpepper and the Vikings made sex boat references when talking about facing the Bears. Wait, why am I saying this. Keep talking about putting shoes on Peyton's feet, Rex, by all means!

Anyway, the Jets suck. They are Baltimore light. Their QB is worse, but not by much. Their WRs are worse, by a lot. Their defense is good, but they don't have game changers like Ed Reed or Ray Lewis. Do you really want to go to war with Mark Sanchez? And by war, I mean, Indianapolis.

But here's the thing. The Colts aren't that good either. Sure, it's the Colts and they should win just based on having Manning, Reggie Wayne, Freeney, etc. But they barely beat the Titans twice in the past few weeks. They scare me. There's only 2 teams I hate worse than the Colts right now in the AFC, and that's KC and the Jets. I think the Colts win, simply based on playing at home, regardless of what shoes Peyton has on his feet.

Graham
The thing with this game is, I don't even really care about watching it that much. I'd be perfectly happy to tune in to the last 5 minutes and check it out. Kinda like the NBA. Except I don't even really do that with the NBA anymore. The Packers are in the playoffs, the Canucks are in first place - who needs the NBA?

Chris
I want to watch all the playoff games, just as a month long farewell to the NFL. Then again, with no Monday Night Football on last night, I managed to read 75 pages in a book I've had since October and barely touched.

As for the NBA, uh, yeah, I'm switching to AT&T Uverse on Saturday and I think I picked a package that didn't include the Grizzlies station. I told my wife I didn't even think I'd add the channel. She thought I was nuts. The NBA is the easiest thing to give up. And I was a die hard fan for about 10 years. Is this what they mean by “Where Amazing Happens”?

Anyway, what's the other AFC game this week, Baltimore at KC?

Graham
How sad is it for the NBA that the off-court stuff is 100x better than the on-court stuff? The NBA has the best draft, best free agency and best trades. I follow that stuff religiously. Then the games start and I don't care. And the impending lockout? Whatever. And I lived and breathed the NBA for 8 years when I worked there.

Anyway, we've already gone off the rails.

Tell you what, I like Kansas City's chances against Baltimore.

Chris
You like KC? Ugh, what's wrong with you? KC is frisky, but Baltimore is the darkhorse in this thing. They play as tough as anyone. They have what, 4 losses or so? Baltimore wins like 23-13 but it's one of those games that's never really in doubt. I bet it's 10-3 midway through the 3rd quarter and you start thinking, there is no way in hell KC is going to win this.

Graham
I think Kansas City will keep it close. I think the Ravens will pull it out (that's what she said), but the Chiefs will be right there in the end (that's what she said). I'll take the Ravens by a field goal in this one.

Chris
Way to toe the line. You praise KC but then pick Baltimore. So if KC wins, you bust out the "I told you I liked KC" and if Baltimore wins you have the "I picked Baltimore" card as well. What else should I expect from a Brett Favre fan?

Graham
Excuse me for not writing a 35,000 word missive detailing everything point by point while at work.

Chris
You are forgiven. Do we even have to preview the Saints-Seahawks game?

Graham
What kind of bloggers would we be if we snarkily dismissed the Seahawks? If we just decide we're too lazy to put any thought into the game, and not consider circumstances where the Seahawks could pull out a win?

Actually, we'd be regular bloggers.

Saints by 17.

Chris
You want me to give some thought into a circumstance in which the Seahawks win? The Saints plane would have to go down Marshall-style. And that's only if Drew Brees is on the plane. If the entire Saints team dies except Brees, I'm pretty sure he could put together a rag-tag group of free agents, castoffs and minor league football players and beat the Seahawks. That sounds like a movie script I should start working on.

Graham
You could cast Jason Schwartzman as Charlie Whitehurst.

By the way, in the topic of lame feuds from the other day, we can add a new one: Tony Allen vs. OJ Mayo.

Chris
The funniest part about it is that it's not a feud, it's an ass-kicking. Allen beats Mayo up to the point that Mayo can't show his face at the game, and what happens to Allen, he gets Mayo's starting spot! He's going Nancy Kerrigan on someone before the season's over. The Memphis Grizzlies everyone!

Graham
Beat a guy up AND take his job. Now that's badass.

Take note, Kevin Kolb.

Chris
The day Kevin Kolb beats up Michael Vick is the day a 7-9 team makes the playoffs. Oh wait....

So I suppose this is our transition to GB at Philly. Convince me GB wins.

Graham
Here's why Green Bay wins:

-They have an elite defense. The 240 points they allowed this season was best in the NFC and second best in the NFL behind Pittsburgh, allowing them to have the league's second best point differential at +148.

-In the last 9 games of the season, they gave up 20+ points once. And it was to New England.

-Six times this season they held opponents to under 10 points. I'm too lazy to look up other teams so I'll assume that's either best in the NFL, or at least top 3.

-According to one NFL expert*, Charles Woodson and Tramon Williams are the best CB duo in the league.
(*I am the expert quoted in that stat).

-Clay Matthews is a frontrunner for Defensive Player of the Year. He absolutely terrorizes opposing defenses. In Week 1 against the Philly team they play Sunday, he had 3 sacks, 7 tackles and 1 forced fumble. He also had a "PD", but admittedly I can't figure out what that is. If there's one defensive player in the league who can keep up with Michael Vick, it's Clay Matthews.

-They have an offense that hung 30+ points on opponents six times, including 45 points in Week 16 against the Giants in a do-or-die game.

-Oh yeah, they already beat Philly once this year. Yeah yeah, Kolb started, was ineffective, got hurt and gave way to Michael Vick. But that doesn't change the fact the Packers put up 27 points against the same defense they face this weekend.

Chris
That was like, some actual analysis. It threw me off and even you had me believing. It's hard to trust Michael Vick, and it's also hard to pick against him. I really don't have a dog in this fight (I went there) so I'm not blinded by cheese like you are. But I do love cheese. How's that for analysis?

Graham
Here are three things that could kill the Packers:

-Run game. Fun fact: Aaron Rodgers was the leading rusher in the Week 17 win over Chicago. He had 21 yards.

-O-line: Bryan Bulaga has not been good lately. He's been as effective as a Bulaga Whale*. (*rimshot)

-Defense. Yeah, I spent the previous emailing bringing out fancy stats like yards against and PDs (whatever they are). But when Green Bay has a late lead, Dom Capers has them go into the Prevent defense. I'll spare you a 10,000-word manifesto on why I hate it so much, but it comes down to this: it just doesn't fucking work. When you play dominating defense for 58 minutes, I see no reason to change your style for the last 2.

Mark my words: if the Packers are up by a touchdown or less with 2 minutes to go, Vick will carve them up when the Packers lay off and take them down the field.

Chris
I think the game boils down to one thing, and one thing only. Does Michael Vick go f-ing nuts. If he has 75 yards and a rushing TD and 200+ yards passing and another 2 passing TDs, then you guys lose. If you contain him, make him pass, stay in the pocket, etc, you win. Your offense seems good enough to put up 20+ points, regardless of your rushing game, so it seems to me, can you contain Vick? You've won me over. I'm going to say they do. (Cue "That's what friends are for.")

My letter to the Commercial Appeal

2011-01-07T04:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday morning I awoke to find that I had become a member of the Commercial Appeal staff. I found this quite strange since the Commercial Appeal never contacted me about writing for them and never paid me for my work. But nonetheless, in the paper appeared my thoughts and words (although slightly edited). So I just wanted to write and make sure I’m not supposed to be showing up for work for you guys and didn’t know it. If I am, I apologize for not showing up yesterday or today. However, I’m willing to start within 2 weeks after I give notice to my current employer. It’s the right thing to do.

I don’t mean to imply that you have no idea what I’m talking about, because surely you know whose thoughts and ideas you print. But just in case you missed it, in Geoff Calkins article “Vols show Memphis Tigers how far they have to go”, in the middle of the article, is my line, “The O.J. Mayo-Tony Allen tilt was more competitive than this one.” I know, I know, it’s funny and brilliant and helps merge both Memphis Tigers and Grizzlies basketball into one joke. I’ll accept your thanks before you offer it, because really, who wouldn’t find this funny?

How is this my thought you ask? Am I simply some delusional reader that has lost all sense of perspective and started making claims to random words in your paper? Of course not! During the course of the Memphis-Tennessee basketball game, due to boredom and frustration at my beloved Tigers taking one on the chin, I began to tweet my thoughts in real time. One of my tweets, during the game, was “Even the Tony Allen-OJ Mayo fight was more competitive than this.”

How did this tweet get into your paper? Do me and Geoff Calkins simply share similar taste in thought and joke? Do great minds truly think alike? I wish this were true. But my tweet did not simply fall on deaf eyes. I’ve got 105 followers! And who is one of these followers? Geoff Calkins, your highly esteemed columnist! It appears as though Geoff decided to take my tweet, incorporated it into his article and failed to quote or credit me. It surely was a typo. Because, if not a typo, then I can’t help but fear that he outright stole it. I think there’s a term for this….what is it…hmmm…oh yeah…plagiarism. Surely he didn’t do that.

I like to think I’m a fair person. I tweeted your employee, Mr. Calkins, yesterday and asked him for my credit. But this tweet DID seem to fall on deaf eyes. It’s been nary a word from him since he stole my line. So, it appears, it’s come to this. I’m having to write in and defend myself. Since it’s quite obvious my work, however small, was stolen, I feel the Commercial Appeal has several options to rectify the situation.

1. You can, as mentioned above, just go ahead and give me a job as a sports columnist for your organization. I do have a Master’s degree in journalism and previous blogging experience. I can provide writing samples if needed. My Mayo-Allen tweet is just the tip of the iceberg!

2. You can publicly print this letter in your paper and underneath it, Mr. Calkins can supply his response. I’m sure it’ll make for great discourse on the topic of tweets/plagiarism in the 21st Century that will most likely win awards. Major awards!

3. You can print a public apology from Mr. Calkins in your paper.

4. You can send me a royalty check for the profits from your January 6 edition. After all, my work was used. I’m not too sure if this is a viable option since it appears that the newspaper industry is faltering. There might not even be a royalty for me to have. Although, I suppose, I’m understanding now why the industry might be going under. If a random guy sitting on his couch can provide insight and send it to the masses instantly (105 followers!), why pick up the paper the next day just to read those same thoughts from someone that is paid to travel to and from the game?

Feel free to contact me and let me know what option you think is best. Or, if you have another solution, I’m more than willing to listen.

Chris

Best of YouTube 2010

2010-12-26T17:11:00.000-08:00

It's time for the annual Best of YouTube from RTS. I scanned the last 365 days worth of posts, tweets and facebook posts and hand-picked the best videos of the year. You are welcome.

Put the word fail in a video and there’s a 99.9% chance I’ll watch it. There’s also a 99.9% chance I’ll love it. I’m really not that complex.

Toy Story + Fight Club = brilliant

The next time you are watching someone talk about how dangerous the NFL is, remember that this is happening every day as well.

We all have bad days. Thank god I haven’t had a day this bad.

I wonder if The Price is Right losers have formed a support group. If so, this guy probably attends religiously.

My favorite part is the reaction of the crowd. It’s just a series of ohhs and ahhs in unison.

Everyone knows that dancing is a dangerous sport. This guy knew the risks going in.

“I’m okay….I’m okay….I’m okay! I’m okay!”

Never had an older brother. This sums it up pretty well.

Look, everyone has some high school decisions that they regret. But seriously, these kids are going to have years of therapy to get over this.

This is why I don’t play baseball. Well, this, and no discernable talent whatsoever.

I’m not quite sure if this video having 200,000 views is a positive or negative sign about the way our culture is heading.

This is the sequel to “White Men Can’t Jump.” It’s called, “White Men Can’t Land.” I’ll be here all week.

Will farting in public ever not be funny?

And the award to best goat vocalist of the year goes to...this guy

The real life Cousin Eddy.

“That’s messed up.”

I love Seinfeld. I love remixes. That’s all.

This is exactly how long soccer was cool in America this year…14 seconds.

Your move American Idol.

This one can’t be embedded. I suppose the awesomeness has to be transmitted directly through youtube.

This isn’t simply the Best of Youtube 2010, this goes into the best of all-time. It’s the Citizen Kane of Youtube.

It's been a while

2010-12-04T06:09:00.000-08:00

I know, I know, you come to RTS daily to see if Graham or I have posted something, and just like our wives, we leave you disappointed. But find disappointment no more my fair readers, there is a post today, and it doesn't involve one of us bitching about sports. Without further ado, here's some of my favorite internet finds from StumbleUpon over the past month or so.

Now I’ve seen some cool dances in my life, but this one takes the cake.

These are some classic sports injury pictures. The first image is my favorite for reasons I can’t quite discuss.

I’m a fan of the simple pleasures in life. You know, a cold beer and a hot dog a baseball game, a hot chocolate on a snowy day, and people falling down, getting knocked over, and FAILs in general.

Damn the man!

Haven’t figured out what to get me for Christmas yet? I’ll take the blue raspberry one.

I love the mashups. Here’s an appetizer.

It’s a good thing this wasn’t around when I was 19. I probably would’ve listened to it nightly while eating a bag of Cheetos.

It’s not a Cajun wedding until the tasers come out.

I’m not sure if this is life imitating Bad Santa, or if Bad Santa imitated this.

As mentioned previously, the mashup is probably the best invention of the last 5 years. I can’t get enough of them, whether it’s Brokeback Saved by the Bell, the Mentos American Psycho above or the like. As far as mashups go, I think this is the Citizen Kane.

Chris

Intern Havoc

2010-10-28T04:57:00.000-07:00

So I came across this website doing research for my job and couldn't help but chuckle. It looks like a legit site, with a few links in there that can't help but make me laugh. Here's the site: http://www.spiritoflasalle.com/

Graham's response when I sent it to him, "That's awesome. Some intern decided to have fun on their last day and none of the old people know how to work the internet to fix it."

Well played intern.

On LeBron, Race and Celebrity

2010-10-03T05:20:00.001-07:00

I know, I know, I’m white, so I’m not supposed to talk about race. I’m not supposed to chime in on the LeBron James’ race factor question. But it’s been irking me, so I’m going to wade into the waters and hope to go I don’t come out sounding like a racist. Isn’t that why most white people avoid talking about race? We’re scared that our opinion on the subject might be deemed racist when we disagree? Screw it. I’m taking my blog post to South Beach.

First off, before I skewer LeBron, I want to thank the interviewer, Soledad O'Brien, for the dumbest question possible.

It was, quite simply, “Do you think there's a role that race plays in this?”

This is quite possibly the easiest alley-opp that LeBron’s been thrown. It was a perfect toss, right above the rim and to the right, just hanging there, waiting for him to rise up and throw it down. And instead of LeBron attacking this lob and throwing it down violently, shaking the rim so badly that we thought the goal might break, he simply tipped it in. Was race a factor, he was asked?

LeBron replies, “It's always, you know, a race factor.”

This is a dumb question and a dumb answer. And it doesn’t warrant the attention it’s been getting (yes, I realize the irony in bemoaning the attention while giving it attention).

Growing up in a America, the great melting pot, means that race, religion, sex, appearance, all that stuff, is a factor. In pretty much any situation, if you are minority, the reason you are a minority is going to be a factor in your life. I’m sure women will tell you that sex is a factor. I’m sure that Muslims will tell you that religion is factor. For black athletes, I’m sure they’ll tell you race is a factor, whether big or small, pretty much every day. So it’s a dumb question. The answer to the “is race a factor” is going to be yes 100% of the time.

So can I fault LeBron for what I said? Of course I can!

LeBron answered that race was a factor for the criticism he’s received. The implication of this is that he was criticized for “The Decision” and his offseason because he was black, not because he did it the wrong way. That’s what really irks me.

His entire summer was an exercise in inflating his already enormous ego. He samples all the free agent destinations, making each team gravel for his “talents” even though there’s not a chance in hell he’s going to Clipperland, the Knicks or any other sub-par team. He’s making everyone beg for him even though they don’t stand a chance. You want to move on from Cleveland, fine, so be it, but quit with the charade already. That’s how I felt back in June and it wasn’t because you’re black LeBron, it’s because you’re the King, although you don’t have your crown.

And that’s the real heart of the issue here LeBron. It’s not race. I’m not piling on you cause you’re black. I’m not a jilted Cleveland fan who’s bitter that you left me. I’m just a regular old white NBA fan (a dying breed, I know), who is sick and tired of your posturing and self-aggrandizing.

From day 1, you’ve been anointed by the media as the next coming. You’re supposed to be the future of the NBA, the next Jordan or Magic, the guy that dominates the league, wins title after titles and makes us re-evaluate the greatest player ever debate. You didn’t seem to have a problem with the white media building up your hype machine before you earned anything. But a few years later, when the hype hasn’t materialized into titles and you handle your free agent summer in pathetic fashion, race sure comes into play now, huh?

I suppose I should back off LeBron, because honestly, he doesn’t know any better. He’s been appearing on Sports Illustrated covers since he was a high school junior. Hell, if my face was plastered on a magazine cover with the words “The Chosen One” next to it when I was 17 years old, my reality and perspective would be skewed as well. I’d probably be wearing gold-plated platform shoes and have my own army of oompa-loompas carry me on their backs wherever I went.

And this is our fear with people that get fame at a young age. We’re scared the fame will warp their perspective and they’ll go off the deep end, losing touch with their fan base (you know, us normal people that have to work a regular 9-5 job, take out car loans, and who gather around the television to worship at the alter of celebrity, and for men, the sports stars). We’re scared young celebrities will eventually disconnect with us and when it happens, the backlash ensues. And if LeBron thinks the public and white media turned on him because of race, well, he’s wrong. Go ask white guys outside of Minnesota how they feel about Brett Favre. Go find me a Tom Cruise fan these days. Hell, I hear New England Pats fans are bitching and moaning about Tom Brady’s hair and Audi. Race is a factor, are you kidding me? (so I suppose if Tom Brady gets booed, he can say that hair played a factor.)

The bottom line is this LeBron. You mishandled the summer. Most people don’t care that you left Cleveland. But they do care how you did it. Most people don’t care that you went to Miami, but they care that you had to take out a 1-hour TV Special to announce that you are “taking your talents to South Beach.” And sports fans are a fickle bunch as well. They’ll turn on you in a heartbeat but welcome you back as soon as you lead your team to victory (see Vick, Michael). And you’ve had 3 months to reflect on the backlash and make a pretty simple statement. You could’ve just said, “I wish the city of Cleveland well and Akron will always be my home. I want to be the greatest basketball player on the planet and do to so, I want to play with the best. The Lakers have a hell-of-a-squad with Kobe Bryant surrounded by multiple All-Stars and the Boston Celtics have 4 Hall of Famers. It’s a battle every night in the NBA and I want to go to war with my friends, Chris Bosh and Dwyane Wade. If Cleveland could’ve offered my that opportunity, I would’ve stayed. But things don’t always works out that way and it’s time to move on.”

What would’ve been so hard about that? Oh yeah, having a pulse on the perspective of us normal people. That’s the one thing LeBron doesn’t have. Oh yeah, that and NBA titles. He’s still got a chance at one of those.

Chris

NFL Preview Part 9 (Playoffs)

2010-09-09T12:11:00.000-07:00

The final predictions are upon us. Yep, you got it, Graham and I successfully managed to preview every NFL division and the playoffs before a single game was started. Our next goal is to post about something besides football between now and 2011. I give us a 50% chance.

Chris

AFC
Ravens (13-3)
Colts (12-4)
Chargers (11-5)
Patriots (10-6)
Jets (9-7)
Dolphins (9-7)

Chargers beat the Dolphins and Jets beat the Pats in a stunner in Foxboro.

Ravens beat the Jets and Colts beat the Chargers. Ravens beat the Colts to go to the Super Bowl. However, if the Colts/Ravens game happens in Indy, I'd pick the Colts.

NFC
Saints(13-3)
Cowboys (12-4)
Vikings (12-4)
Packers (11-5)
Eagles (10-6)
49ers (9-7)

Minnesota beats the 49ers, easily. Green Bay takes out Philly.

So that would make it Saints/Packers and Cowboys/Vikings. Yikes, that would be some good football right there. I'll go with Saints/Cowboys in the NFC title game, with the Saints winning.

For the Super Bowl, I got the Ravens beating the Saints.

I love these preseason predictions. I'll be lucky if I get 1 of the 4 title game teams right.

Graham

AFC
Indy (13-3)
Baltimore (10-6)
New England (10-6)
San Diego (10-6)
NYJ (9-7)
Miami (9-7)

Indy and Baltimore get the byes, and in the first round New England takes out Miami and the Jets upset San Diego. Not that that's really an upset since San Diego essentially got in by default. That sets up Indy-NYJ and Baltimore-New England.

I don't see the Jets getting by Indy this year, so the Colts go to the AFC Final. Although the NFL will desperately want Indy-New England in the AFC title game, so much so Danny Davis might be the referee, I think Flacco and his unibrow get the best of New England, setting up Colts-Ravens. Give me the Colts in that one.

NFC
New Orleans (12-4) - can't remember what I predicted for their record, so I'm saying 12-4
Green Bay (12-4)
Dallas (12-4)
San Fran (8-8)
Minnesota (11-5)
Philly (10-6)

I'm giving the byes to New Orleans and Green Bay. Dallas beats San Fran easily and I think Philly takes out Minnesota, now that the Vikings' receiving corps looks thinner than my hairline. That sets up New Orleans-Philly and Green Bay-Dallas. That is some solid f'ing football right there.

No way Kevin Kolb outplays Drew Brees, so give the win to the Saints. And since Romo's a regular season wonder, I'm taking the Packers over the Cowboys, which has nothing to do with my allegiance to The Pack.

Now I know what you're thinking: "Graham, do you respect Chris less because he took so long to get on board with Friday Night Lights?" Yes, I do. And I also know that predicting a Super Bowl rematch is idiocy of the highest order.

So Green Bay-Indy it is for the Super Bowl.

My prediction: a heart attack for me. And a Packers win.

NFL Preview Part 8 (NFC West)

2010-09-02T01:02:00.000-07:00

Chris
San Francisco showed me a little something last year. Solid defense, plus a few playmakers on offense. Vernon Davis and Alex Smith finally came through, although, still, they haven’t' justified their draft position. But I think you can win with these guys, plus Crabtree and Frank Gore in a crappy division.

Plus, Arizona is going to suck this year. You can't tell me that Matt Leinart and an already gimpy Larry Fitz can carry that offense. And I never trust anyone named Beanie. It's one of my rules to live by.

Seattle will be decent if, and only if, Matt Hasselbeck stays healthy, which he won't.

And who else is in the division, oh yeah, the St. Louis Rams. Why does West Coast NFL football suck? Seriously, the NFC West and AFC West are the two worst divisions in football. I can't believe one of these 4 teams is going to be a division winner. Then again, we live in a world where one of the Jersey Shore cast members is going to bring home $5 million this year and Xavier Henry can't even get a measly rookie contract out of the Grizzlies.

1. 49ers (9-7)
2. Cardinals (7-9)
3. Seahawks (7-9)
4. Rams (3-13)

Graham
I actually like San Fran to win the division if they can get half-decent play out of Alex Smith. Which is a little like saying I like the Grizzlies to make the playoffs if they get half-decent play out of Hasheem Thabeet. That said, they have a good defense anchored by Patrick Willis, and some playmakers on offense with Vernon Davis, Michael Crabtree and Frank Gore.

After that, I hate the rest of the division. Hate it. Arizona is going nowhere fast with the Matt Leinart/Derek Anderson crap combo at QB. Seattle needs Matt Hasselbeck to stay upright, and all of Pete Carroll's positive vibes can't guarantee that will happen. And St. Louis isn't worth talking about.

But it begs an interesting question- this division has the potential to be so bad, that an 8-8 team, or maybe even 7-9 team, could win it and get into the playoffs. What if a 7-9 team gets in with an automatic division berth, but a 10-6 wild card team from the NFC East doesn't get in? Good lord. If that happens, the NFL almost needs to just step in, put the NFC West division title on hiatus for a year and try again next year.

1: San Fran (8-8)
2: Seattle (6-10)
3: Arizona (5-11)
4: St. Louis (2-14)

NFL Preview Part 7 (NFC South)

2010-09-01T01:59:00.000-07:00

Chris
Okay, it's hard to like the Saints. Defending champs. Good coach. Great QB. High powered offense. So why wouldn't they win the division? They should beat Tampa Bay twice, and probably be able to go 3-1 against Carolina and Atlanta, right? I don't see much of a slump from them, although I'm not picking them to repeat as champs.

I can't speak honestly about Carolina since they contain my favorite player in the NFL, Deangelo Williams. They've got a good rushing offense and got rid of Jake Delhomme. I have no clue if their new QB is any good, but he's got to be an upgrade from Delhomme, right? Maybe they bounce back and get 2nd in the division. But they feel like an 8-8 team to me.

Atlanta is completely boring to me. Michael Turner is pretty good but not flashy. Same with Matt Ryan, Roddy White and Tony Gonzalez. They're all good players, but none of them are what I would call great. I suppose they could win anywhere from 7-10 games.

Tampa Bay sucks. We discussed this earlier when talking fantasy, but their offense has 1 decent option, and that's Kellen Winslow. Give them 3 wins.

1. New Orleans (12-4)
2. Atlanta Falcons (9-7)
3. Carolina Panthers (8-8)
4. Tampa Bay Bucs (3-13)

Graham
So you say it's hard to like the Saints, then predict big things for them. Speaking out of both sides of your mouth- what are you, a Republican? Anyway, why can't they repeat as champs? You think last year was a fluke? They have just as good a shot as any team, especially in this division. As long as they have Drew Brees, they have a shot.

I like Atlanta a lot more than you. I think Matt Ryan is in store for a bounce back year and I really like Michael Turner. Possible wild card team.

I don't know what to make of Carolina. Everyone seems high on their QBs with Matt Moore and Jimmy Clausen. But they seem to be the equivalent to NBC's promos for The Event: positive buzz, big expectations, but in the end will get canceled. I'd be concerned. But they have great RBs who can win games by themselves. Ultimately, they're not a threat.

The less said about Tampa Bay the better.

1: New Orleans (13-3)
2: Atlanta (9-7)
3: Carolina (6-10)
4: Tampa Bay (2-14)

Chris
I didn't proof my email. I meant to say, "It's hard not to like the Saints." So there. Instead of talking out of both sides of my mouth, instead, I'm just a plain old idiot that didn't re-read an email I sent to a friend.

Speaking of speaking out of both sides of your mouth, you said you like Atlanta a lot more than me, yet you predicted them to finish 9-7, which is the exact same record I had them at. Congrats.

I'm not sure that Carolina's QBs are any good, I just doubt they'll be Jake Delhomme level bad. I mean, that guy pooped the bed more than your infant does.

Graham
No one poops the bed more than my kid. No one.

Chris
The first Jake Delhomme compliment in 2 years. Even his wife is embarrassed.

NFL Preview Part 6 (NFC North)

2010-08-31T01:55:00.000-07:00

Chris
I barely even want to discuss this division since it means I have to type the words Brett Favre. Anyway, let's just assume he's coming back, which I'll assume each offseason until he dies. Since he is coming back, that means two things. First, the Vikings are the frontrunner to win the division. Second, Sidney Rice is a viable fantasy WR*. Only one of these two items concerns me, to be quite honest. (*editor’s note: not anymore)

Anyway, I like the Packers. They were a playoff team last year and if I remember correctly, played much better the second half of the season. The Pack should be a playoff team again. I like Rodgers (natch) and Ryan Grant is serviceable. He just plows for 4 yards straight down the middle. Not a gamebreaking back, but a downhill runner, which is nice these days. The Pack offense is awesome so as long as they can protect Rodgers and have a decent D, they should be fine. And if they can beat the Vikings once, they might win the division.

I think the Bears will bounce back some. Cutler should improve with Mike Martz as coordinator, Brian Urlacher is back and they added Julius Peppers. I still hate their WRs except for Johnny Knox. Regardless, this team shouldn't be that bad. Maybe 8-8 or something?

The Lions, ugh. They got some young talent but still will suck. They just might not suck as bad. So they got that going for them.

Your thoughts?

Graham
Obviously, I'm biased, but I think Green Bay can and should win the division. After they got their o-line sorted out last year, they finished 7-1. Their offense is a juggernaut, and Jermichael Finley is due for a big breakout this year. They can score with anyone. Defensively they might run into trouble. Granted, it was the first preseason game, but Cleveland's #1 offense steamrolled Green Bay's #1 defense. They need a more effective pass rush, and Al Harris is a big question mark with his injuries. They need a much better start than last year's 4-4. Check out their first 6 games:

@ Philly
vs. Buffalo
@ Chicago
vs. Detroit
@ Washington
vs. Miami

Those are all winnable games, then the schedule gets brutal with Minnesota twice, Dallas, New England, NYJ, NYG and Atlanta. If they come out of those first six games 3-3, or God forbid even worse, then things could go downhill fast. But if they come through with four or five wins, then giddyup.

As for Minnesota, we all know Favre's back. But can anyone expect the stupid line he put up last year? 68.4% completion rate, 33/7 TD/Int ratio and 107.2 rating. Even Neil Patrick Harris hasn't enjoyed a career renaissance that good. But there's no way he can do that twice, is there? Either way, it will go right down to the wire with the Packers. And consider this: 4 of their last 5 games are in domes, so weather won't be a factor. Shoot me.

Chicago will do what Chicago always does- a mediocre, forgettable season.

I like what Detroit's doing. Stafford, Suh and Calvin Johnson are good building blocks. I could very well see them overtaking the Bears in the next year.

Chris
Green Bay can win the division. Should? That's a bigger stretch than you thinking Hasheem Thabeet won't bite on pump fakes. Green Bay can't go 0-2 against Minnesota. That's the bottom line. And yes, Favre was insane last year with his performance, but really, I don't see why Minnesota will drop. They still have Adrian Peterson, Sidney Rice and the best defensive line in football. I hate it, but Minnesota SHOULD win the division. Anything can happen though.

As for the first 6 games, I think 4-2 is a pretty reasonable start. I think they'll lose at Philly and hopefully vs. Miami. But they should beat Buffalo and Detroit for sure. There is no reason they don’t win at least 2 of the 4 games against Philly, Chicago, Washington and Miami.

Anyway, here's my prediction

1. Minnesota (12-4)
2. Green Bay (11-5)
3. Chicago (8-8)
4. Detroit (5-11)

Graham
Here's the thing: Green Bay can improve. They can get better play from the o-line and better play from the defense. Minnesota can't improve. Best case scenario is they stay at the same level as last year. Big difference. If Green Bay even splits the season series with Minnesota, they should take the division. Prediction:

1. Green Bay (12-4)
2. Minnesota (11-5)
3. Chicago (7-9)
4. Detroit (4-12)

Chris
Well, using that theory, Detroit has lots of room to improve, so pick them to win the division.

Okay, here's a decent question. Every year there is one team that comes out of the crappy teams to surprise everyone. Last year it was the Bengals. Two years ago it was the Dolphins and Falcons. We're what, 75% done with our preview and I think for the most part we've picked about the same order of finish in each division as the previous year. Picking between the Packers and Vikings or Jets and Pats is really splitting hairs.

Who is the sleeper crappy team that rises up this year? And by crappy, they had to win less than 7 games last year. The choices are: Bills, Browns, Raiders, Chiefs, Redskins, Lions, Bucs, Seahawks or Rams.

And when I say "rises", I mean at least 9 wins. Dear God, I have to pick one of those teams to win 9 games? It's not the Browns, Bills, Lions or Rams.

Seattle had some injuries last year but I still don't trust Pete Carroll and Matt Hasselback. The Raiders, uh, in a word, no. I think it has to be the Chiefs or Redskins. I guess Redskins, huh? Shanahan and McNabb could possibly squeeze out 9 wins, right?

Graham
The Skins are the obvious choice, but in that division it's tough. The Seahawks are in a crappy division, but Hasselbeck's always hurt and the backups are JP Losman (!) and Charlie Whitehurst (!!!). The Bills, Browns and Rams are hopeless. The Lions are 2-3 years away. So how about this: why not the Raiders? Their QB has gone from F- to C-, which should be good for at least a couple of wins in itself. Their defense is halfway decent, and I'm not ready to give up on Darren McFadden at RB.

Then there's the schedule: I don't expect them to do much against San Diego, but couldn't they steal 3 wins in 4 games against Denver and KC? They also play the NFC West this year, which gives them four winnable games.

I'm not saying they'll make the playoffs, but I could very well see them winning 7 or 8 and challenging Denver for second in the division.

Chris
I was thinking possibly the Chiefs, for the same reason about playing in a weak division. I think Cassel is alright, plus what if Dwyane Bowe bounces back and their RBs are okay. I have no clue about their defense though. I can't rightly pick them to win 9 games. I see what you are saying about the Raiders. They are boring but they seemed to hang in a lot of games last year. Just getting rid of Jamarcus Russell should be good enough for what 2-3 wins? That would take them from 4 wins to 6 or 7. Maybe...

Graham
Just please don't remind of this prediction when the Raiders finish 2-14.

Chris
It's never pretty having to pick the sleeper. I mean, there's what, a 1 in 9 chance you are right? And really, we're too lazy to really predict the sleeper after looking at those 9 teams schedules. Plus injuries affect NFL more than any other league.

Graham
Hey, I checked the Raiders' schedule! I promised half-assed research and I did it!

Chris
You're leaving me behind. If you ever dumped me as a blogmate, well, that would be the low-point of my life to date. (not trying to tempt you).

NFL Preview Part 5 (NFC East)

2010-08-30T01:46:00.000-07:00

I’m not sure what’s gotten into us, but Graham and I promised a full NFL preview, and, well, you’re getting one. What next, we uphold our wedding vows? Without further ado, we kick off our NFC preview with the NFC East.

Chris
Possibly the toughest division in the league. Dallas has talent, although they don't always capitalize. Romo isn't a top 5 QB, but you can make the case he's top 10, right? I like that offense when Romo isn't playing like the gunslinger. I really hate Cowboys fans though, so it'd be nice if they miss the playoffs again.

I think the Eagles are the best in this division. I trust the Kevin Kolb move. It seems a lot like Aaron Rodgers replacing Favre to me. I think Philly wins the division. At the very least, Andy Reid eats a lot.

The Redskins are a weird team. They've got some talent but probably not enough. The upgrade from Jason Campbell to Donovan McNabb is significant to me, as long as McNabb stays healthy. But other than Albert Haynesworth, I can't name one defender on their team. That's probably not good. Then again, I think NFC East games are terribly boring except for Eagles-Cowboys.

The Giants, meh. They scream 8-8 to me.

Graham
Dallas is the best team in this division, and should win easily. Which sucks because I hate them. But really- let's say Dez Bryant has even a decent rookie season- their passing game is him, Miles Austin, Jason Witten and Roy Williams. That's pretty damn good. Romo may not be a top-5 QB, and certainly not in the playoffs, but he's good enough that that group could be really, really good.

After that it's a jumble, and any of the other 3 teams can finish anywhere in the division. You like Kolb, but really, what do we have to go on with him? He's been good in spot duty, but what about as a starter? What happens if he gets off to a slow start (a Week 1 turd against the Packers would be nice) and the entire city and Philly media corps is bearing down on him? We have no idea how he'll react. And Brian Westbrook is gone, which could be a huge loss even though he was hurt most of last year. Philly is a big question mark.

Giants- whatever.

I don't like Washington. They'll be a bit better with Shanahan and McNabb, but they're not a threat to win the division. Maybe, maybe they sneak into a wild card spot if Philly and the Giants falter. But that's a big if.

Chris
So let me make sure I got the official preview for the Giants down.

Me - meh.
You - whatever.

You are welcome Giants fans.

Philly was 11-5 last year with LeSean McCoy playing more than Westbrook and with D-McNabb throwing 22 TDs and 10 INTs. Sure, there is a chance that Kolb sucks, but there's just as much pedigree with him to succeed this year as Aaron Rodgers had going into his first season. He's not a sure thing, but I like my chances with him. He comes into a good offense with playmakers (DeSean Jackson, Jeremy Maclin, LeSean McCoy, hell, even Brent Celek). So I just don't think he craps the team. If he can keep the turnovers down, they should be fine. I'm not saying they'll go 13-3, but I think 11-5 is within reach, especially if they can go 4-2 in the division (split with Dallas, sweep either Wash or NY).

Did Dallas win the division last year? I thought they missed the playoffs. So Dallas spanked Philly in the playoffs and then got spanked by Minnesota? I mixed up last year and 2 seasons ago, when Philly spanked Dallas to get in the playoffs. Anyway, this is all very confusing for anyone reading this. I suppose my point is this, yes, Dallas should win the division, but Philly could still make the wild card. I think they're better than New York and Washington.

And please don't consider Roy Williams a good player. He's terrible.

Okay, here's my guess

1. Dallas (12-4)
2. Philadelphia (10-6)
3. Washington (7-9)
4. NY Giants (7-9)

Did I say this was the best division in football? I take that back.

Graham
I forgot about LeSean McCoy. Crap, I really need to start doing research before I write stuff. I'll give you that one. As for Roy Williams- I noted him as the fourth option. As far as fourth options go, he's not bad. And frankly, I don't blame Dez Bryant one bit for not carrying his pads. Bryant might double his receiving yards this year.

1: Dallas (12-4)
2: Philly (10-6)
3: NY Giants (8-8)
4: Washington (6-10)

Chris
Yeah, you need to do research before we post these things on RTS. We have a fanbase with expectations (hi Gary!) to adhere to.

Graham
I know, I've taken Gary for granted. My apologies, I promise to do half-hearted research from here on out.

RTS Debates: Hasheem Thabeet vs. Chris

2010-08-19T19:19:00.001-07:00

So I have a friend that’s doing some graduate studies over in Africa. Who does he happen to run into over there? Hasheem Thabeet. My friend sent me a picture of him and Thabeet. I forwarded it to Graham and he responded that it looked like my friend could take him in a game of one of one. What ensued was one of the most heated email debates in RTS history.

Chris
From the sad but true department: I truly think I could beat Thabeet in a game of 1 on 1. And really, I'm not sure if it's sad because I'm delusional or sad because it's true. Either way is pretty damn depressing.

Graham
You could not beat Thabeet one-on-one. When he has the ball, he'd just back you down and drop in an easy one from two feet. When you have the ball, he'd just stand back and dare you to shoot. You'd never beat him.

Chris
Concepts I have working for me.

1. I'm not that bad a shooter so if I got the ball first, I could, in theory, go on a run. I assume the game is make-it, take-it. I could give myself a lead if I'm shooting well.

2. I completely understand that he could post me up and score all day. However, in one-on-one, he'd have to start at the 3-point line. Can he really dribble all the way down to the post? Maybe a few times, but every time. I doubt it.

3. He would not take the game serious unless I got close to winning, so he's probably just jack up 3s until I got to 6 or 7 points. So really, I'd just have to make sure to not give him the ball back when he started trying.

4. Thabeet really, really sucks. I mean, if I had to pick 1 player in the NBA to try to beat for a million dollars, he'd be on my list. I'm not joking about that.

Graham
He doesn't have to dribble from the three-point line to the post. He just has to turn around, stick his ass in your face and back you down. We're not talking about AI crossovers here. You would not be able to defend that. No chance. And as much as Thabeet sucks in the NBA, remember, he was good enough in college to be a consensus top-10 pick (if not #2). That means he was at least relatively effective against guys who are 6-8, 250 lbs.

If we're really talking about beating an NBA player, it won't be someone who's 7-3, 300 lbs. It can't be any player who can just turn around and back you down easily. It would have to be a smallish wing player who can't shoot worth shit. Maybe then you'd have a chance. Maybe.

By the way, it reminds me of this story. Before the NBA Draft settled into MSG every year, they used to take it to different cities. In 1998 they were in Vancouver, and I volunteered with the Grizz (how I got my foot in the door- no one ran quotes at the draft like me). There was a fan fest thing where Antawn Jamison, Vince Carter, Mike Bibby and 1 or 2 other guys played one-on-one against kids, and I swear to God this happened:

The kids were about 10 years old, and the hoops were only about 5 feet high so they could at least shoot and have a reasonable chance of going in. The players were all screwing around, and the kids were just happy to be on the same court. Except there was kid in Vince Carter's line who was better than all the rest and was taking it seriously. The first time he took on Vince, he took a shot and Vince swatted the ball to the other end of the court. The kid was pissed. He went back in line and waited his turn, didn't talk to anyone, didn't smile. He wanted revenge.

So he comes up again and Vince comes out to about halfway between the free throw line and three-point line to defend him, not really taking it seriously. The kid takes a few dribbles to his left, gets Vince to lean, and blows by him on the right. Now Vince is fucked, and he knows it. He tries to chase the kid down from behind but was a step behind, and the kid dunked it on the 5-foot hoop. The entire place exploded and Vince couldn't believe it. Antawn Jamison came over laughing his ass off and just tore Vince apart. And the kid didn't say a word, didn't smile. Just put his head down and got back in line.

One of the single most badass things I've ever seen.

Chris
The kid dunking on Vince Carter is awesome. You should track him down for an exclusive RTS interview...where are they now version.

And I'm not going to let the Thabeet thing die this easily, cause mainly, I'm an idiot.

First, the “good college player” theory I'm not buying. I realize he's a better player than me in the context of college basketball, team basketball, etc. One on one is different, so the fact that he scored a whopping 13 points a game in college isn't really amazing me.

Second, Thabeet could back me down from the 3-point line, but if he's going to play like that, I'm going to push and shove and what not. He can call the foul if he wants. Hell, he's listed at 267 lbs on NBA.com. I'm at about 235. I'm not giving up as much as you think, especially if he's having to dribble while I can just get better leverage.

Lastly, I'm thinking I could beat Thabeet maybe 1 or 2 times out of 10. Not good odds. But better odds than just about any other NBA player. You said I should go against a wing player that can't shoot. I'm going to give you a heads up. Uh, every wing player in the NBA is quicker, stronger and faster than me. I wouldn't stand a chance. It would be a dunk contest. They'd get to the rim easier than Thabeet's backing down technique. I'd rather play Thabeet than DeMarre Carroll. I suppose that's all I'm saying. But I do realize that Thabeet, overall, is a better player than DeMarre. I just like my one-on-one matchup better.

Graham
For crying out loud.

OK, let's say you camp out at the three-point line and try to hit bombs all day. If he sits back and you miss, he's getting the rebound. You'd have to shoot 75% from three-point range. No chance. And let's say he decides to play up on you and challenge you - there's no way you have the speed to blow by him and get to the rim untouched. At the very least he could recover and challenge the shot. How many contested layups are you making against a 7-3 shotblocker? He's not some lumbering 350-pound oaf. He's lean and has some modicum of athleticism, enough at least to chase down a 235-pound rec league player.

You say you could beat him 1 or 2 times out of 10. You'd be lucky to beat him 1 or 2 times out of 100.

Chris
The fact that you think I can't blow by Thabeet if he plays up on me really just shows you how underrated I am. I mean, have you seen this picture? Thabeet's got nothing on this!

And really, saying that Thabeet has a modicum of athleticism is really stretching it. I mean, he has a hard time even catching a damn ball.

Something else you haven't taken into account. I can score on Thabeet in the post. I've got Kevin McHale level post moves. Just subtract about 8 inches and add some serious love handles. Other than that, we're twins.

Lastly, 1 or 2 times out of 100? Are you kidding? I'm not playing 100 1 on 1 games. I'd die after about 15.

Graham
I think now you're just trying to annoy me. Mission accomplished. Listen mini-McHale - your post moves would be useless. He wouldn't bite on one of them because you can't shoot over him. All he has to do is stand there and swat them away.

Chris
I completely agree with everything you said about what should happen when I play Thabeet.

I just think you give Thabeet too much credit. I guess the fact that I've seen him play 75 times or so makes me realize that he won't back me down (even though he should), he will bite on my post moves (even though he shouldn't) and he won't give a crap and I will (which sounds about right).

Graham
Me 1, You 0

Chris
So you win an argument because you could coach Thabeet to victory over me? This isn't a video game where you get to control him. Just because Thabeet has the raw ability to dominate me 1 million times over, doesn't mean he would. He's an idiot. A goofy, uncoordinated idiot. I stand by my theory that I could beat him 1 out of 10 times. I stand by your theory that I shouldn't beat him 1 time out of 100.

NFL Preview Part 4 (AFC West)

2010-08-19T04:16:00.000-07:00

Chris
This is the crappiest division in the NFL. San Diego should win 10 games just cause Philip Rivers is better than the rest of the AFC West QBs combined. (Jason Campbell, Matt Cassel and Kyle Orton). I'm not sure you could win the Super Bowl with an AFC West All-Star team. It would be what, Philip Rivers, Dwyane Bowe, Vincent Jackson and Jamal Charles as your best skill players?

And I hate the fact that Dwyane Wade has a different spelling of Dwayne than most, cause then I switch that crap out inadvertently. I blame LeBron.

Okay, so I got San Diego winning the division. The next 3 teams are a crapshoot. I like Josh McDaniels but don't think that offense can score enough. I think Oakland will improve, simply because they got JaMarcus Russell off the team, and I think Kansas City is a 6 win team. So, uh, here's my best guess.

1. San Diego (11-5)
2. Denver (7-9)
3. Kansas City (6-10)
4. Oakland (6-10)

Graham
I can't think of one thing about the AFC West that interests me. It's like the Grey's Anatomy of football as far as I'm concerned. It speaks to how bad this division is that the Chargers are down two big players to contract disputes, and it won't affect their chance at the division title one bit. The biggest issue with them is keeping themselves interested all season, kind of like me when I'm playing Wii Mario Kart. I'm so awesome I have to invent challenges to keep my interest (until the game give my opponents 18 blue shells in a row).

Denver...Tim Tebow...don't care.

I kind of feel bad for Kansas City. I don't know why, but they've always seemed like the most non-descript team in the league. Never that good, but never bad enough to get a star player in the draft. Now they pin their hopes on Matt Cassel. Between them and the Royals, that city is underrated when it comes to tortured fans. And I won't even start on the brand new arena they build specifically to lure and NBA or NHL team that 3 years later is still vacant.

And the Raiders are the Raiders. Whatever.

1: San Diego (10-6)
2: Kansas City (5-11)
3: Denver (5-11)
4: Oakland (4-12)

Chris
I love the fact that the majority of our previews revolves around, "man, that team is boring and I have nothing to say about them." I think our AFC West and AFC South previews were pretty much identical. We praise the Colts and Chargers and are completely bored by every other team. Good job us!

NFL Preview Part 3 (AFC South)

2010-08-18T04:11:00.000-07:00

Chris
Indy wins 12 games, easy. I'm not sure if they win more, but 12 is the minimum they'll win. That's just how it goes. The only question is whether they sit their players and lose a few games at the end, or actually have to play all season. Pretty boring, and I'll be watching every freaking game thanks to my Manning/Wayne fantasy combo.

I predicted the Titans would take a step back last year while you said they'd still be good. Suck it, Graham. I like Jeff Fisher and Chris Johnson (who doesn't), but I still don't think you can win with Vince Young as your QB and that WR corps, unless Kenny Britt breaks out. I don't hate the team but don't love it. I see anywhere from 7-10 wins.

Do I really have to write something about Jacksonville? I hate that team. Without looking, I'm guessing they've won between 6-9 games the last 4 seasons. They'll do the same.

Houston has one of those teams that should be better than they are. Didn't they win about 8 games last year? This division is so boring. There is the Colts and everyone else. How's that for a preview?

Graham
Indy runs away with the division, and in other news the sun rises in the East and Two and a Half men sucks. Whatever. I refuse to jump on board the Houston bandwagon, especially after Steve Slaton committed homicide against my fantasy team last year. I hate that guy. Tennessee will be perfectly average and Jacksonville sucks. I don't even know what else to say about this division.

1: Indy (13-3)
2: Houston (8-8)
3: Tennessee (6-10)
4: Jacksonville (5-11)

Chris
Since my understanding of the NFL is directly related to fantasy football, can we discuss Houston for a minute? Who is going to be the RB this year? Slaton was a stud 2 years ago and sucked last year. They drafted Ben Tate from Auburn and also have Arian Foster or something. I know to stay away from RB by committee teams, but if I'm stuck in the 11th round and need to take a flyer on a guy, which one is it? I mean, the offense is potent so if one guy can manage 15 carries a week, he should do decent. Which guy is it? I'm leaning towards Tate, I guess.

And since I have to do records, here's mine.

1: Indy (12-4)
2: Houston (8-8)
3: Tennessee (8-8)
4: Jacksonville (7-9)

Graham
Who will Houston's RB be this year? I'll tell you who: Steve Slaton. Here's why: In the 10th round of my draft later this month, I'm going to need a running back, and he's going to be on the board. I will pass over him while cursing his name, and watch as he proceeds to rack up 1300 yards and 12 TDs. So take Steve Slaton. And listen for my sobs from 2000 miles away.

Chris
Good to know. And when I draft Ronnie Brown or Ricky Williams, the player I pick will get hurt and the other one will be a stud. Fantasy football, good times!

Graham
I'm sure you read Bill Simmons' big manifesto on fantasy last week. Gotta say, I was really intrigued by the menage a trois idea. There's potential there.

Chris
Some of that was downright retarded though. I'm a huge fantasy nerd always looking to shake things up, but even I couldn't follow all the crap he was talking about. Although yes, a 3-team game would be somewhat interesting.

I did like the idea of being able to draft college players, although that would take a lot more research. I think at the end of every fantasy draft every person should be able to draft 1 college player and then cross their fingers. 9 out of 10 times it wouldn't pan out.

Graham
Yeah, when he started on backgammon or whatever the hell that was, I lost him. And no way on more than 1 college player. I'd rather try to perform a vasectomy on myself than follow college football.

Chris
Ahh, your hatred of college football. I don't "follow" it so much as I watch the Memphis Tigers cause I hate winning and I watch the SEC game of the week cause I don't have kids and just love football in general. I also like drinking and yelling at the TV.

Graham
If you love football so much, here is a schedule of CFL games on the NFL Network. Enjoy: http://cfl.ca/page/u-s-broadcast-webcast

Chris
CFL is to Football as veggie burger is to burger, or as non-alcoholic beer is to beer.

Graham
Or the missionary position is to sex.

Chris
The line should've been "or sex with you is to sex"

Graham
Oh yeah? Well I slept with your wife!

Chris
My wife is in a coma.

NFL Preview Part 2 (AFC North)

2010-08-17T04:09:00.000-07:00

Graham
I love Baltimore this year...I know Ray Lewis is a year older, and Ed Reed is injured, but I still think the Ravens could make the AFC title game. Ray Rice is a stud, and with Anquan Boldin on board Joe Flacco has someone besides Derrick Mason to throw to. Seriously, Derrick Mason sucks, but he's been their number one option for a few years. This is a very good team.

After them though, I have no idea what to make of Cincinnati and Pittsburgh. Owens and Ochocinco (by the way, a year later, it still makes me laugh to type that) have both lost a step. Despite their love for themselves, they're not elite receivers anymore. But they might be just good enough. And if Pittsburgh can hang around until Rapistberger gets back, who knows?

Oh, and the Browns play in this division too. Just a reminder as it's easy to forget about them.

Chris
You leave Derrick Mason alone. He and I have had some good fantasy years together. He's a standard possession receiver though and shouldn't be your Number 1 guy. Boldin is a good addition except he will only plays like 10 games a year due to his physical style. But yeah, there's no reason that Baltimore doesn’t win the division. How’s that for a double negative?

Cincinnati will drop this year. That team wasn't that good. They somehow won games. I watched some of them last year cause I had Benson and man they were boring. Carson Palmer just isn't right and Chad Johnson isn't elite, just decent. Owens isn't even decent. He's a cancer. This team drops straight back to 5-11. Well, maybe not that much, but drops.

And Pittsburgh, uh, is Charlie Batch starting for them? Byron Leftwich? How many games does The Rapist miss? I think 4. Will they go 0-4? 1-3? They play the Lions, Giants, Broncos and Panthers in the first 4 weeks. I think 2-2 is their best case scenario without him. Regardless, I think the Steelers go 8-8.

And when having Jake Delhomme as your QB is an upgrade, well, your team sucks. Here's how I see it.

1. Ravens (13-3)
2. Steelers (8-8)
3. Bengals (7-9)
4. Browns (3-13)

Graham
So 3.6 seconds after sending my initial email, I went over to espn.com and read the following:

"Baltimore Ravens general manager Ozzie Newsome faces a tough month ahead. The season-ending knee injury to cornerback Domonique Foxworth will force Newsome to study rosters closer than any other front-office executive so that he can make trades and waiver claims on cornerbacks. Foxworth was a $7 million-a-year fix for the cornerback position last season. The combined salaries of the remaining players at cornerback are slightly more than $6 million. The Ravens are hurting at cornerback.

To make matters worse, Fabian Washington, who makes $1.809 million on a one-year deal, and Lardarius Webb, who makes $395,000, are coming off major knee injuries. Webb probably won't be ready for the opener, and Cary Williams opens the season with a two-game suspension. Newsome already has made a trade for cornerback Doug Dutch of the Washington Redskins, giving up quarterback John Beck, and he can dangle quarterback Troy Smith to get another corner."

OK, so Ray Lewis is a year older, Ed Reed is hurt and they have no cornerbacks. Is it too late to back away from my AFC title game prediction? I still think they win the division though.

Back to the Browns for a second...I follow football pretty intently, but I don't think I can name five of their players. There's Delhomme, I know that. And I think Joe Thomas is on the offensive line. Is Kellen Winslow still there? What about Jamal Lewis? Hell, Bernie Kosar might still be there for all I know.

Anyway...

1: Baltimore (10-6)
2: Cincinnati (8-8)
3: Pittsburgh (8-8)
4: Cleveland (1-15)

Chris
This is a fun game. Name the Browns players.

1. Jake Delhomme
2. Derek Anderson (i think)
3. Mohammad Massaquoi
4. Montario Hardesty
5. Josh Cribbs

That's all I got. I'm pretty proud of that list.

Graham
Derek Anderson is in Arizona with the Cardinals now, so you're down to 4. But I was wrong on Kellen Winslow- he's in Tampa. Turns out he was there last year too. From one irrelevant team to another. I had no idea.

I've never even heard of Hardesty. I really think Jamal Lewis is still there. Hang on a sec...yep! 9 games last year!

Chris
Wait, Jamal Lewis is in Cleveland? I thought you were joking. And Anderson, who knew? Jerome Harrison is in Cleveland, and I couldn't think of his name, but then I just read a fantasy column and he was referenced. I'm giving myself a half a point.

Graham
Lewis has been there for a few seasons winding down his career.

I just thought about this. I'm in a 14-team fantasy league, 13 players per roster. That's 182 players who will be drafted. And there's a good chance not one will be a Brown. Incredible.

Chris
I bet 3 guys get drafted.

1. Jerome Harrison
2. Montario Hardesty
3. Mohammad Massaquoi

I read someone predict that Hardesty would get Rookie of the Year. I wish I could go back and find out who, cause that's hilarious to think that offense will move the ball or score points.

Will Tampa Bay have people drafted besides Kellen Winslow?

Graham
I have no idea. Maybe Josh Freeman goes as an insurance QB in the last round. Hey- does Warrick Dunn still play for them? I'm asking that honestly. I don't even know. Either I know less about football than I thought, or Tampa and Cleveland are completely irrelevant.

Chris
Warrick Dunn dropped several late drive passes 2 years ago and lost me my fantasy playoff game (I lost by 1 point). He was in Tampa then. I'm pretty sure that was his last year there.

Who are the Tampa Bay RBs? I think it's Cadillac Williams and that guy they signed from the Giants, whoever was Brandon Jacobs backup. This is so confusing.

Graham
I totally forgot about Cadillac. OK, now I have to go see...it was Derrick Ward. I could have sat here for 5 hours thinking about it and never come up with that name. And get this, their leading receiver was Winslow. With 884 yards. Their leading receiver was TE with less than 900 yards. Wow.

Chris
Check this out. I'm guessing their leading wide receiver was Sammie Stroughter. I have no idea where I pulled that name. See if I'm right.

Graham
Close- it was the one and only Antonio Bryant. But Sammie was next in line.

Chris
Damn you Antonio Bryant!

NFL Preview Part 1 (AFC East)

2010-08-16T02:55:00.000-07:00

Between now and Labor Day, Graham and I will tackle a NFL Preview the only way we know how, by debating it via email when we should be working. This week, we tackle the AFC. There's a 50% chance we'll get all of the NFC done as well. Without further ado, here's our AFC East preview.

Graham
I can't figure out the AFC East. The Jets are the hot team, but every year the most buzzed about team flops. And if Darrelle Revis doesn't get signed soon, that's a big problem. As for New England, they have no running game and Wes Welker is coming off about 12 torn knee ligaments. Miami could have a bounce back year, but who knows? Hell, at this rate, Buffalo might win 11 games. OK, maybe not.

Chris
I think that it's clear that the Bills suck. Is Trent Edwards still their QB? And is Lee Evans still their best WR? What's the opposite of a game changer? A game stay the samer? That's what the Edwards/Evans combo is. And if Trent Edwards isn't their QB, well, I'm sure whoever it is sucks. Pencil the Bills in for 3-6 wins. I'd look at their schedule and give an exact prediction except reading 16 Bills games sounds almost as boring as watching 16 Bills games.

The Jets, Dolphins and Patriots are all good teams. Each has flaws but enough talent to overcome. I still don't trust Mark Sanchez and Braylon Edwards but the Jets D and run game is sick. That'll keep them in games. I could see them winning between 9-12 games. Revis will play is my guess.

The Pats have Brady and Moss, or as I like to call them, the anti-Edwards/Evans. There's no way this team wins less than 9 games with those guys healthy. I have no clue who their RB is, their 2nd WR, or any of their defenders. But I don't count out the Pats unless the karma police crush Brady's knee again.

And my beloved Dolphins, well, they should be fine. I love the Brandon Marshall addition. Going from Ted Ginn to Marshall is like trading a used 1972 Ford Pinto for a brand spanking new Ferrari. Of course, this Ferrari could potentially get arrested at any given moment, but still. Ronnie Brown will be awesome for 7 games and get injured. Ricky Williams could run for 1,000 yards or breakdown. And the defense is average. I think 8-11 wins is in range, depending on how the schedule is. They essentially need to beat the Bills twice, and split with the Jets and Pats. 4-2 in division gives them a chance for playoffs I think.

Graham
Question: should the Bills just move to Toronto at this point? I mean, I hate to kick the good people of Buffalo around, but it's time for a fresh start for that franchise. They dipped their toe in the water last year for a couple of games, just make the leap already. I mean, if Toronto can support the Argonauts, they can support the Bills. Speaking of Lee Evans, I'm well acquainted with his nothingness. I had him in fantasy last year, and he was as effective as wet toilet paper.

As for the Jets, I just see a big letdown coming. Sanchez wasn't great last year, just good enough not to blow games and caught some breaks along the way. Between the hype, aging veterans whose contributions are murky (see: Tomlinson, LaDainian) and a possible Revis no-show, there's more warning signs than a firing range. I agree New England should have enough to win the division, but they aren't the juggernaut they used to be. I don't see them getting back to the Super Bowl.

And your beloved Dolphins...not feeling it. Sorry.

Here's how I see the division playing out:

1: New England (11-5)
2: New York Jets (10-6, wild card team)
3: Miami (8-8)
4: Buffalo (3-13)

Chris
I'm onboard with everything you said, except I think the Dolphins could sneak into 10 wins from 8-8 with a few breaks, just like I think the Jets could drop to 8 wins without Revis. I just don't see much difference between the Pats, Jets and Dolphins. The best team will get 11-12 wins and the worst team will get 8 wins. It's tough at the top there.

As for Buffalo, instead of moving to Toronto, can we just abolish that team altogether? Even in their best years, they got beat silly in the Super Bowl 4 straight years. Seriously, if your glory days involve being a joke of a runner-up, let's just call it quits, okay? Sorta like the Memphis Grizzlies best season involves the words “swept in the 1st Round of the Playoffs.”

You know the year that Randy Moss had like 85 TDs in the Pats 16-0 season. I took Lee Evans ahead of him thanks to over thinking it and reading too much Matthew Berry. It was the worst fantasy decision of my life. Just for continuity, here's my pick

1. New England (10-6)
2. Miami (9-7)
3. New York (9-7)
4. Buffalo (3-13)

6 Weeks of Stumbles

2010-08-15T08:50:00.000-07:00

I’ve let 6 weeks worth of good links build up and now it’s time to unleash them upon our rabid fanbase of 10 followers. Contain yourself!

This is pain.

Jersey Shore talking bobbleheads. They sell themselves, really.

The only disappointing thing about this video is the girl that kicks the ball stops after it happens. I would’ve kept playing and tried to score.

I like dancing in the street as much as the next guy. Just be careful out there, okay?

I’m so glad this wasn’t around when I was in college. Actually, I would’ve abused it the most, what am I talking about?

The guy that made this should’ve retired from basketball right then and there.

So very true.

Do you like car crashes and verbal abuse?

This is what you get for going on Glen Beck.

For your inner South Park dork.

I’m fine! I’m okay! I’m okay!

If we ever have an RTS Man of the Year, this guy would be at the top of the list for 2010.

Chris

Worst Movies Ever

2010-08-14T15:12:00.000-07:00

Last week via twitter there was a localized debate brought about by @waskew. It was about the worst movie you've ever seen. I didn’t jump into the debate at the time for a variety of reasons: I was busy at work, I’m lazy, and I’ve seen a ton of crappy movies. I didn’t want to just fly off the handle with one or two movies and leave out some of the truly crappy ones that I’ve seen. Note: I used to work at a video store and then a movie theater so I had free movies from the age of 15 to 23. I had a lot to pick from. So, just like most everything else we do here at RTS, here’s my one week late list of worst movies ever seen. (I simply picked all the movies I’ve rated 1 star on Netflix). (Just skip to the bottom for some analysis if you don’t feel like browsing through a ton of crappy movies that you might or might not have heard of).

300
10,000 BC
Alexander
Angels & Demons
Babel
Batman & Robin
Bewitched
The Boxer
The Brave One
The Brothers Grimm
Bug
Cabin Fever
Catwoman
The Chumscrubber
City by the Sea
Collateral Damage
Confessions of a Shopaholic
Cradle 2 the Grave
Dante's Peak
Dave Chappelle's Block Party
Domino
Down in the Valley
Dragonheart
Eagle Eye
Elephant
Eyes Wide Shut
Fighting
Flags of Our Fathers
The General's Daughter
Get Smart
Ghost World
Green Zone
The Haunting of Molly Hartley
Henry Poole Is Here
Instinct
The Island
Kingdom of Heaven
Kissing a Fool
L.I.E.
The Ladykillers
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
The Love Guru
The Man Who Wasn't There
The Mask of Zorro
Master and Commander
Miami Vice
Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil
Mission: Impossible II
Nashville
The New World
Nightwatch (Nick Nolte movie)
Palindromes
Paradise Now
Paranormal Activity
Patch Adams
Pauly Shore is Dead
Pearl Harbor
The Perfect Storm
The Pest
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Psycho (remake)
Punch-Drunk Love
Quarantine
Quills
Rachel Getting Married
Sahara
Saw III
Snatch
A Sound of Thunder
Spider-Man
Spider-Man 2
Spun
Stigmata
The Straight Story
Swimming Pool
Synecdoche, New York
The Tailor of Panama
The Time Machine
Titus
To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything
Tomb Raider
Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life
U Turn
Unleashed
V for Vendetta
Van Helsing
Vanilla Sky
We Were Soldiers
Wild Wild West
You Don't Mess with the Zohan

Now, a few notes should be made.

First, my wife used to love horror movies and I hate them. So some of these movies got 1 star simply cause I hate the genre in particular. But really, "Saw III" was painful for even the most ardent of horror fans.

Second, about 15% of the movies on this list I didn’t even finish. So yeah, maybe the ending turned out better, but if I can’t make it to the ending, then what’s the point?

Third, some of this is my own damn fault. I mean, I hated "Spiderman" and "Tomb Raider" and yet I still saw "Spiderman 2" and "Tomb Raider 2". Needless to say, I watched a lot of movies when I worked at a movie theater.

Without further ado, here’s my lowlights

Lord of the Rings
Everyone raves about this series like Jesus Christ himself came down and blessed this trilogy. I just didn’t get it. The first one was boring and I feel asleep in the second one. I have a 120 minute theory about movies. If a movie is going to go over 120 minutes, it better be for a good reason. Otherwise, it’s going to bore me. Why exactly was this movie 3 hours? So they could walk and walk and walk? Ugh.

Alexander
As part of my 120 minute theory, I remember this movie being painfully long. When two movies suck, whichever movie lasted longer sucks worse. So, "Alexander" is worse than "The Love Guru". Think about it.

Batman & Robin
The first truly terrible movie I’ve seen. It’s like the "Plan 9 of Outer Space" of my generation.

Down in the Valley
I love Edward Norton. This had to been one of the most disappointing movies I’ve seen. It’s atrocious.

Dragonheart
Dennis Quaid teams up with a dragon with the voice of Sean Connery. How could that not be cool? Trust me, it wasn’t.

Nashville
This is a classic! It’s amazing! Blah, blah, blah. Nothing happens. I kept waiting for this to get good. And I’m sure if Chris Herrington reads this post he’ll blast me for not liking this movie. Seriously, I remember some people being stuck in traffic for what seems like forever until I turned the damn movie off.

Snatch
I’m sure I’ll catch some grief for this but I needed subtitles for this movie. I couldn’t understand a damn word. And I feel asleep trying to watch this. I tried again and feel asleep again. This movie puts me to sleep faster than JaMarcus Russell’s sizzurp.

300
Pretty much the worst movie of all-time, simply because so many people without a brain laud it. It’s just a bunch of ripped dudes talking in deep voices about honor. “We have to defend our nation. Sparta is our home. Etc. Etc. Etc.” Then they go fight for like 45 minutes, take a break, talk about defending Sparta and honor again and repeat. This happens about 7 times and then the movie ends. It’s torture. I’d rather have fought 300 Spartans on my own than have to watch this again.

Chris

We're back!

2010-08-05T15:00:00.000-07:00

Okay, so neither of us has posted in a month. I know our fan base is clamoring for a something. So here you go.

Chris

Stumbling towards vacation

2010-07-04T07:47:00.000-07:00

I’m about to go on vacation for a week. I couldn’t just leave RTS hanging like that. So it’s time for a mammoth list of links.

Look, teabagging is a real problem that no one should suffer through. But if it happens to you, it’s probably best not to go on the news discussing it. Just move on, you know?

Calling this an epic fail doesn’t do this justice. What’s bigger than an epic fail…a life-altering fail?

Graham, can you send me your address? I’ve got a present for your newborn.

Pretty much every awesome moment from ‘80s movies.

This is brilliant idea. They should actually make some children’s books like this. It would be great bathroom reading material.

Not much else to say about this other than, this is a pretty cool video.

This is what growing up with a big brother is like, except multiple it by 16 years or so.

Fight Club music video. Still holds up.

This is why I don’t play baseball. Well, this and I don’t like chewing tobacco.

Cool 8-bit song with Lego animation.

“Try to bust your opponent’s balls”

I love smart asses.

Bungee jumping isn’t one of those things you can go into with doubts. Here’s why.

Native Americans FTW!

I’ve been watching this video everyday trying to hone my dance skills.

Good summer song.

This is like the ice cream truck for men.

I want what this guy is having.

One day I’ll be writing this song about the Memphis Grizzlies leaving town. Except the lyrics will simply be, “Who wants to cheer for a Michael Heisley team anyway?”

Please buy me this.

This pretty much sums up my college years.

There’s times when I feel old…you know…pretty much whenever I put it on MTV. But this video takes the cake.

Certain things define your lifetime. Most everyone remembers where they were when the Twin Towers were attacked, or when they first heard a Beatles song, or had their first kiss. Well, prepare to be wowed again. This video will change your life.

Chris

Danger, White Guy Ranting

2010-06-30T17:54:00.000-07:00

I saw the above image on this site.

Bravo my friend, bravo. I hate people like this. And while I'm here, ranting about people cutting in line, I've got another bone to pick.

I walk into the movie theater today. There are ropes that go in snake-like fashion to the box office. The line is essentially empty except for one mother and teenage child standing halfway down the snake. They are in line, in a technical sense, so I stand behind them. They aren't moving farther down the empty part of the line towards the teller. I hear the mother say, "I don't know where she is." It seems pretty clear she says it for me to hear. My understanding is, "I'm waiting on someone." So, I cross over the rope and walk towards the teller. As I'm standing at the front of the line waiting on the next teller, I hear the kid go, "Way to go Mom!" She has jumped over the ropes to stand in front of me. As she stands in front of me, her friend joins her and they walk to to the teller.

So here's my question: if the lady was in line, why didn't she walk to the front of it to start with? If she was going to be offended that someone skipped her, why would she stand in the middle and encourage this? Who stands in the middle of an empty line and then scoffs when you take that as a sign that they aren't ready to purchase a ticket? You know who does, this stupid lady. But the jokes on her...her kid was ugly.

Chris

Sunday Afternoon Movie Special: Never Back Down

2010-06-20T12:39:00.000-07:00

I’m a man of the people. So when the RTS fan base clamors for another running commentary of a movie, I’ve got to give the people what they want. Today’s Sunday afternoon feature: Never Back Down. Let’s bring it on.

Rainy high school football game. The game is being broadcast on the radio. That happens a lot in high school football, right? Uh oh, the opposing team just started talking about someone’s Dad. We got a fight brewing. Billy Badass, er, Tyler ,is beating up everyone in sight. Looks like Tyler is moving to Orlando. And cue the plot…

I love how this guy just played a stellar football game, got into a huge brawl and what does he have to show for it, one minor band-aid above his eyebrow.

I thought his name was Tyler. It’s Jake. My bad Jake, don’t beat me up. Jake is flashing back to moments with his father. And a regaee-infused emo song leads to the moving montage.

Somehow this guy moved from Iowa to Florida, unpacked and made it to high school within a 3-minute song. That’s impressive. He gets to school, goes to the football field, takes 1 bite of an apple and then walks off. This guy lives his life in fast forward or something. I’m confused.

Uh oh, Jake happened upon a fight and goes to break it up. But it’s not a real fight, it’s a backyard MMA fight! I never saw this coming!

Jake’s in class and he’s not just a meathead. He’s talking about Achilles. Color me intrigued by Jake. And so is the random blond named, “Baha.” What are the chances that this blond has a violent boyfriend that isn’t going to take kindly to Jake?

Max waddles up to Jake at lunch at school. Max is the happy-go-lucky fighter that wants to help Jake become a super fighter. Max will now teach Jake the way of the MMA fighter. He’s like a teenage Mr. Miyagi.

Football fighting montage as Jake walks through the halls of high school! “And I’m tired of backing down…” This song is amazing.

Uh oh, Jake just got invited to a party by Baha. “How it feels to be alive….!”

Jake’s at the high school party and greeted by Max. How come high school parties in the movies are the most absurd representation ever? Actually, I never went to parties in high school but I assume they weren’t like they are in the movies. I’d ask Graham but I know he didn’t go to parties either.

So they’re running a backyard fight club at the party. I’m thinking Jake is going to fight soon. Can I wager on this?

Slow-mo intro of Baha. Soothing music plays. But it’s interrupted as Jake’s got to fight Baha’s boyfriend. Shocker!

Jake doesn’t want to fight. He’s not just a brawler like these other guys. This Jake is tough to read.

Baha’s boyfriend Brian starts talking smack about Jake’s dad. This is the new version of calling Marty McFly chicken. Nobody talks smack about Jake’s dad!

It’s Jake vs. Brian. Would there be much of a plot of Jake won?

Man, my boy Jake got it handed to him. I think he should go find an older, wiser fight guru to train him for about 45 minutes and then come back, beat up Brian, steal Baha and ride off into the sunset. That sounds way too farfetched. He probably just goes home, focuses on school and forgets this ever happened.

I think we’re on the 3rd montage of the movie and it’s only 20 minutes in. Can they make a movie with just montages and slow-motion footage? Everything seems cooler with a montage. Hell, Jake’s little brother just microwaved a pizza in the montage and it was the coolest pizza making experience I’ve ever seen.

Brian’s name is Ryan. I’m terrible with these people’s names. Can I just refer to Brian/Ryan as the blond douche? I think that works better. We’ll go with BD for short.

Max tells Jake about where to go train. And he shows up! My dream scenario is happening. He might take on BD and win Baha after all.

A training montage! With a song that I like by TV on the Radio. I’m actually embarrassed that a song I like is in this movie. Wait, no I’m not. How come 75% of all training, no matter the sport, involves a massive rope climbing exercise? Who sells these ropes? I wouldn’t even know where to go to get one. Home Depot? I should walk in Home Depot and say, “I need a huge rope…I want to train to fight and climbing a rope seems like the most logical place to start.”

Jake’s MMA-guru tells him the one rule, “No fighting outside the gym.” I have a weird feeling Jake breaks this rule.

Baha shows up at Jake’s door. I think she’s torn between BD and Jake. I am too! Jake isn’t having any of this. Baha set him up. Good for you Jake. I’m sure you’ll stay mad at her for the next 70 minutes.

I think we’re on the 5th montage of the movie. And it’s a back- to-back training montage. I can’t argue with the name of the movie going with the title “Never Back Down”, cause that’s what I got tattooed on my heart, but seriously, “Montage” would’ve been more accurate.

And we’re back in high school. I think Jake’s been in town for 2 weeks or so and he’s been in class twice. And the two times he’s been in class, it’s been English class. I guess they don’t do math down in Orlando.

Looks like Baha is breaking up with BD. She’s in love with Jake! I’m so excited for them. I bet they have awesome babies.

Jake’s pissed off. BD talked some smack about his old man again. This isn’t good. And Jake is randomly fighting 5 dudes in the middle of the street. Talk about road rage..zing!

BD just took Jake down in the bathroom. BD talked in a creepy whisper about making it through, “The Beatdown.” There’s a decent chance BD is homosexual and takes pleasure in beating boys down. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Jake’s fighting with his Mom. Mom yells, “You think you’re the only one that wants to break stuff. I can break stuff too!” It was the worst piece of acting I’ve ever seen. It’s official. Eat your heart out Keanu Reeves.

Introspective song plays as Jake walks to his room in slow-mo. Pretty much the coolest footage ever of a kid walking to his room.

Training montage number uh, who’s keeping count anymore? Look at the songs used in this movie. Is this the worst collection of music assembled since the Monsters of Rock series?

This montage includes the eating of raw eggs. And Jake racing his black guru near the ocean. Did the director of this movie just watch all Rocky montages and then re-act them with teenagers? If so, checkmate by the director.

Jake apologizes to Baha and they start making out on a coffee shop patio. If only Jake can somehow beat up BD, then I’ll have predicted this entire movie. I should head to Vegas immediately.

I realize now why this movie has so many montages. The rest of the movie is completely boring. Every scene with Jake’s mother is torture. Torture might not be a strong enough word. What’s worse than torture? Prison rape? Every scene with Jake’s mother is worse than prison rape. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Wait, yes there is.

Jake’s turning down a chance at “The Beatdown” to spend time with Baha. Jake needs to get his priorities straight. They messed up the plot. Jake isn’t supposed to get the girl till he beats BD. Sigh…

BD is pissed off that Jake isn’t fighting at the beatdown. So he brings Max back to his crib. And now BD and Max are play fighting. This will end well. BD kicks Max’s ass and drops him off at Jake’s house. I bet this leads Jake to enter the beatdown and try to take out BD for Max.

“Walking away and giving up aren’t the same thing.” Can I retroactively make that my senior quote? It’s by the wise philosopher Baha.

“Doing nothing has consequences too, “ says Jake.

“You can’t live in the past, my friend” says MMA guru.

How many Oscars did this win? I know Best Screenplay for sure, but I’m thinking it might’ve gotten Best Picture as well.

“Sometimes fighting the fight means doing the one thing you don’t want to do…win, lose, it makes no difference. It ends tonight. This is my fight. Everyone’s got one.” Well done Jake Tyler.

Getting ready for the beatdown montage.

And Jake Tyler checks into the beatdown. I’m so nervous. I hope he wins.

Beatdown montage as Jake and BD both kick some ass. I bet they make the finals.

Oh no, in his quarterfinal fight, Jake Tyler gets some ribs broken. How come every fighting movie involves the hero getting hurt before his final fight? This even happens in “Gladiator”. Is it some sort of unwritten screenwriting rule?

BD gets disqualified for eye gouging. Tyler quits cause he wants to fight BD. Looks like they’ll go at in the in parking lot instead, cause they’re true brawlers.

And it’s on. The final fight between BD and Jake. Will he avenge Max? Will he avenge his prior humiliation? There’s too many storylines to count. Oh wait, no, those were the only two.

BD is winning. Jake is hurt. Baha is crying. The last hour of Jake’s life passes before his eyes, he turns into a killing machine and knocks out BD. Does this really work? I’m going to try this the next time I play Madden.

Baha and Jake embrace. Time for the happiness montage.

Chris

2000 NBA Draft Review

2010-06-18T17:04:00.000-07:00

*Editor’s note: When the Internet was first invented, I had a hunch that one day the playing field for writers would leveled and we’d be able to get our work published without working for a major newspaper or magazine.

In that spirit, I began chronicling my thoughts on a variety of topics, hoping they’d see the light of day. Now, with the advent of blogs, my vision has come true. So herewith is the first in a series of posts revisiting pre-blog journal entries.

Since the 2010 NBA Draft is next week, I thought for the first one I’d go back and re-visit what I wrote the day after the 2000 NBA Draft.

The 2000 NBA Draft is in the books and there’s a lot of uncertainty in the air in the NBA– which picks will pan out? Which will be busts? Will Shawn Kemp get his career back on track in Portland?

But two things I am certain about: Dirk Nowitzki will regress in his third year and be a bust, and this Vertical Horizon band has a very bright future ahead of it.

So as I sit here listening to “Everything You Want” on my Discman, I present my thoughts on some of yesterday’s NBA Draft picks.

#1: Kenyon Martin to New Jersey. No real surprise as Martin was the consensus #1 pick. How he fits into New Jersey’s crowded frontcourt will be interesting though, as the Nets add him to a mix that includes Evan Eschmeyer, Jamie Feick and Jim McIlvaine. Martin will get his minutes though, and most exciting for Nets fans, they can build around he and point guard Stephon Marbury for the next decade. Granted, there are whispers about character issues for each player, but I’m sure it’s just youthful indiscretions. These two players will be a terrific inside-out combo for the new millennium.

#2: Stromile Swift to Vancouver. As a huge Grizzlies fan, I’m excited about this pick. Swift has tons of athleticism, and I’m sure the basketball IQ will come now that he’ll be under the tutelage of Sidney Lowe. With Bryant Reeves in terrific shape, Othella Harrington saying he’s committed to the new regime and new owner Michael Heisley pledging his commitment to the city of Vancouver, bright days are ahead for the Vancouver Grizzlies.

#3: Darius Miles and #18 Quentin Richardson to the LA Clippers. Great picks by the Clips. After being bad for so long, the pieces are in place for a very bright future. I predict that Lamar Odom will win multiple titles in L.A. Now he’s surrounded by recent lottery picks like Michael Olowokandi and Corey Maggette; and now Quentin Richardson and Darius Miles. There isn’t a better collection of young talent in the league. Yes, the Lakers are the defending champs and still the toast of the town, but don’t be surprised if before long it’s L.A. vs. L.A. in the conference finals.

#4: Marcus Fizer to Chicago. This kid is a stud, the next Karl Malone. Pencil him in as a 20-10 guy for the next 10 years.

#5: Mike Miller to Orlando. In such a loaded draft class he probably won’t be the Rookie of the Year, but this is an intriguing pick. The Magic are rumored to be big players in free agency this year, potentially landing both Tracy McGrady and Grant Hill. Leaving Toronto would be a great move for McGrady. He plays the same position as Vince Carter, but Vince, the beloved “Air Canada” isn’t going anywhere for a long time. If he gets out from Vince’s shadow in Toronto, McGrady is a player with the talent to lead teams deep into the playoffs. Meanwhile Grant Hill has been an ironman in his career thus far with Detroit, and the Magic would get their money’s worth with him. Adding Miller to the mix makes them dangerous from the perimeter. If John Amaechi gets over his fear of banging the big boys down low, they’re in great shape.

I’ll jump ahead a bit now…

#11: Jerome Moiso to Boston. It’s been a rough ride for Rick Pitino in Boston so far, but the Frenchman will help turn things around. Paul Pierce is a stud in the making, and once Antoine Walker learns to stop jacking threes, he’ll be a perennial All-Star. With Moiso holding down the paint with last year’s lottery pick Tony Battie, it won’t be long before Pitino starts challenging some of Red Auerbach’s coaching records.

#16: Hedo Turkoglu to Sacramento. Didn’t like this pick one bit, not when other forwards like Donnell Harvey, Hanno Mottola and Brian Cardinal were still on the board.

#25: Iakovos “Jake” Tsakalidis to Phoenix. A real sleeper pick here. This kid is huge. Granted, he’s a bit of a project, but like the saying goes, you can’t teach size. If they can improve his speed, footwork, lift and decision-making, then this one could pay off in a big way. Scott Skiles will have to be patient, but I’m sure he’s up to the task.

#29: Mark Madsen to the LA Lakers. Wow, the rich get richer. Great value pick for the defending champs, adding a bruising forward who isn’t afraid to do the dirty work. He’s also a great teammate, which will come in handy as Kobe Bryant matures and tries to become the top option over Shaq. Will there be tension between the two? Maybe, but Madsen should be able to diffuse any issues before they cause a divide between the two franchise players.

That’s all for now. “Dude Where’s My Car” starts in about 45 minutes and I don’t want to be late.

Is it July 12 yet?

2010-06-15T15:37:00.001-07:00

For the last few weeks, I’ve been having my share of fun at ESPN’s expense with the cross-sport power rankings. But this week they really took the absurdity to a new level – they managed to irritate me before they even got to the list.

In case you haven’t heard, and really, it’s been flying under the radar, the World Cup got underway last Friday. Since ESPN paid the equivalent of Manitoba’s GNP to get the U.S. broadcasting rights, they’ve made sure to remind us at every turn that the tournament is underway.

As an unapologetic soccer-hater, it’s been torture. Since I can’t watch ESPN for the next month, I’ve had to fill that time with things like reading, watching Persons Unknown (excruciatingly compelling) and spending time with my kids. It’s really unfair.

So imagine my frustration when I click on the cross-sport power rankings and am greeted with this lede:

“If you haven't been tuning into the World Cup … what are you waiting for?”

What have I been waiting for? I’ve been waiting for soccer to be interesting, that’s what. I’ve been waiting for games where two goals are scored. I’ve been waiting for excitement and players who don’t go down easier than Lindsay Lohan. I’ve been waiting for an end to the arbitrary amount of time on the clock depending on how long said players writhe around on the ground for after being blown over by the wind. I’ve been waiting for a decent explanation of the offsides rule.

Check this out: through 14 World Cup games so far, two have ended 0-0 and four have ended 1-0. That’s six out of 14 games with one goal or less. Only once in those 14 games has one team scored more than two goals.

It’s playing out exactly as the episode of The Simpsons where soccer comes to Springfield:

The thing is, I could live with a month’s worth of soccer if it weren’t for its insufferable fans. If soccer fans just watched their games and shut up about it, I wouldn’t begrudge them their sport. But they make Gleeks look normal. What’s especially nauseating is when American fans try to co-opt European terms that just sound ridiculous in failed attempts to come off as smarter than everyone else. Don’t call it football, or futbol, or the Beautiful Game. And enough already: it’s a field, not a pitch.

You know those people you meet who are all high and mighty and claim to not own a television? Their sense of superiority is so sickening you want to strangle them with their ascot sweaters and hit them over the head with their Sigur Ros CDs. It’s the same attitude of soccer fans who look down their nose at those of us who don’t see the excitement in watching them kick the ball around the middle of the field.

Anyway…

In the intro to the cross-sport power rankings, ESPN goes on to say…

“With seven of the top 20 athletes on our list futbol (ugh) players, there's really no excuse not to.”

Oh, ok. The media entity that paid hundreds of millions to broadcast the games tells me there’s no excuse not to watch those games. I guess I’ve been wrong all along.

“Especially since the No. 1 athlete in this week's Cross-Sport Power Rankings is Tim Howard, Team USA's impenetrable goalie.”

Impenetrable, eh?

“Allowing only one goal in the 1-1 draw…”

So much for being impenetrable.

“…Howard was spectacular -- and then some. Without his hands of gold, Team USA would likely be pointless after its World Cup debut.”

Just out of curiosity, I checked the game’s boxscore. Turns out, they keep track of shots two ways: total shots, and shots on goal. Apparently it’s so difficult to hit a target the size of naval ship that they have to differentiate between those shots that do require the goalie to make a save versus those that sail 10 feet over the net. In any event, in that game England got all of six shots on goal. In 90+ minutes. So way to go, Tim.

NFL training camps can’t come soon enough.

Summer Playlist

2010-06-15T04:57:00.000-07:00

After watching the MTV Movie Awards I realized two things: I don’t know who half of the popular people are anymore and man, most popular music sucks. So I’m here to save you with the 2010 RTS Summer playlist. Here’s what I’ve been digging lately. (You can skip to the playlist at the bottom to listen to most of the songs).

1. Walls by Shout Out Louds
The Shout Out Louds are on my to-do list. My music to-do list grows each day. Since I only have a 10 minute commute to work, I actually have to find time to listen to new music. Maybe I should pick up running or something.

2. Thieves by She & Him
This song reminds me of some coming of age movie set in the 50s where the teenage kid finally asks his dream girl for a first dance on the last night of summer camp. I like camp.

3. That Old Pair of Jeans by Blur
Put this song on the boombox and go toss the Frisbee. You are welcome.

4. Fool’s Day by Blur
Blur releases a song for the first time in years, they get put on the RTS playlist. It’s in our contract.

5. Love by Snowglobe
Since they’re a local band, I couldn’t find this song on playlist. Here’s a link with a trippy video instead.

6. Someone’s Missing by MGMT
MGMT’s second album was ultimately a disappointment to me. I kept getting the, “keep listening to it, it will grow on you” vibe from it. It didn’t stick. Probably didn’t stand a chance given how much I love their first album. But this is my favorite song on Congratulations. It’s not quite good enough to cancel out “Brian Eno.”

7. I Can See the Pines are Dancing by AA Bondy
This seems like the song you put on as you drive out of town.

8. I’m Afraid of Everyone by The National
The song’s too new to be on playlist yet, so here’s another youtube link. I’m coming around on The National. Maybe I’ll go listen to those two albums I have on iTunes that I’ve never finished. Whoops.

9. Hollywood by Codeine Velvet Club
One of my friends described this song as a mixture of Neil Diamond and The Strokes. Those are both high compliments.

10. Games for Days by Julian Plenti
Games for days, also known as the NBA Finals. Zing!

11. 1901 by Phoenix
Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix is my favorite start-to-finish album in awhile. I think this is my favorite song, but I’m not exactly sure. The entire album is just as good as this.

12. Golden Slumbers/Carry that Weight/The End by The Beatles
The Beatles have been following me around this summer. I’ve been hearing them a lot in public places, restaurants, etc. So, why not close out with one of their more underrated songs that also doubles as a past favorite summer listen of mine.

RTS is back in full

2010-06-09T10:50:00.001-07:00

Two weeks ago, with my wife lying in a hospital bed giving birth to our second son, I had just one thought: Chris had damn well better be keeping track of the ESPN cross-sport power rankings.

One baby and two weeks later, I’m dismayed to report that he didn’t hold up his end of the bargain.

Typical.

But I’m back now, and ready to take ESPN to task. Before I do though, they overlooked an obvious #1 for this week’s cross-sport power rankings: The Canadian Football League. This week the CFL took a bold leap into 1991 by installing headsets into their quarterbacks’ helmets for the 2010 season.

It’s been 20 years since this technology has been available, and the CFL is finally jumping on board. Although in fairness, it’s entirely possible Hamilton only just got power this month.

Either way, it’s a bold leap for the CFL. Among other innovations they’re considering for 2010: the forward pass, air travel between cities, and black players.

While the CFL was sadly overlooked by ESPN this week, the worldwide leader actually did a reasonable job. A few notes:

#2: Ray Allen. He made #2 on the list after going 8-11 from three-point range in Game 2 of the Finals. I’m going to go ahead and guess he’ll fall a few notches after going 0-8 from three-point range, and 0-13 from the field overall in Game 3. He didn’t just take a dump in Game 3, he flooded the toilet and left the house.

#11: Antti Niemi. “He gave up four-plus goals for the third consecutive game on Sunday, but the goalkeeper has the Blackhawks one win away from their first Stanley Cup since 1961.” Here’s some info for non-hockey fans: giving up 4+ goals in three straight games is not good. If Chicago’s winning those games, it’s despite him, not because of him. Kind of like how RTS continues despite Chris, not because of him.

#15: Stephen Strasburg. Dana Jacobson sez: "I know he hasn't made his MLB debut yet, but it comes Tuesday night. And when word got out he would finally be throwing for the Nats, tickets to the game sold out faster than a Strasburg pitch!" In case you’re wondering, Dana opened her set with a joke about Ovaltine.

After last night’s performance, I can’t wait to see what kind of zingers Dana has in store for when ESPN makes him #1 next week:

“Even the Sahara’s not as hot as Strasburg!”
“The Nationals needed an ace more than a blackjack player with a 10!”
“I slept with his wife!”

Until next week, and forever yours in basketball,

Graham

I'm back...

2010-06-03T18:00:00.001-07:00

I took a vacation in which my airline customer service agents, yes, plural, told me to re-book a new flight cause mine was canceled, which caused me to spend a night in Atlanta, fly to Philly instead of the Big Apple a day late, rent a car, drive to LaGuardia to pick up my bag from my flight that, amazingly, didn’t get canceled and you know what I’m about to rant about, why, Entertainment Weekly’s 100 Greatest Characters of the Past 20 Years.

I had to let some of the rankings slide simply because I know I’m not the demographic but at least recognize that these characters are popular with a host of people, such as: Harry Potter (#2), Carrie Bradshaw (#9), Madea (#28), Elmo (#38), and well, you get the idea.

And some of the rankings I had to let go simply cause I didn't even know much about them and thus couldn't properly make fun of them. But generally, if someone makes a Top 100 list, I should know who they are. But, I'm forgiving today.

Here’s the ones I can’t let go.

#3 – Buffy
Really, no character that appears on The CW, or WB, or whatever the hell it’s called, should be allowed on this list. As a matter of fact, I don’t know one person that ever watched this show. And I know some pretty big losers.

#6 – Rachel Green (from Friends)
I’m not simply trying to bag on the ladies, and I accept that Friends had it’s moments, but weren’t Rachel and Ross completely lame and miserable? Am I missing something?

#11 – Cosmo Kramer
I’m as big a Seinfeld fan as there is. Still watch it several times a week. I have no problem with Kramer ranking in this high, but no other Seinfeld character made the list. The most popular TV show of the past 20 years, which was an ensemble comedy, only gets 1 character?

#17 – Lara Croft (from the video game Tomb Raider)
A video game character makes the top 17, and it’s Lara Croft. Call me crazy, but I don’t really find video games to have characters, since, you know, the user controls everything, but even if you were going to put a video game person on here, shouldn’t it be the dude from Grand Theft Auto?

#18 – Someone from Glee
If a show hasn’t even finished a season yet, it can’t make the list. I didn’t make the rules. Wait, yes I did.

#19 – Morpheus
I don’t want to get too dorky on this but wasn’t Neo the savior? I feel like they just put Morpheus on here cause they needed another black dude. Which leads to...

#20 – Ally McBeal
I let Bridget Jones go at #16 cause I didn’t want to come across as a sexist asshole, but really, uh, these rankings suck so far. Basically, they just picked a legit character, a female, a black dude, a geeky one and repeated itself.

#30 – Stephen Colbert
Is he really a character? Isn’t he Stephen Colbert? Isn’t he nonfiction? I’m sure he would think so. How’s he a character? My head hurts.

#36 – Gollum
I don’t have enough time to rant about Lord of the Rings. I f-ing hate that movie. I hate it as much as one can hate a movie. But I do accept that a lot of idiots like it and idiots buy things, so, you know, EW had to cater to that. But how in middle Earth is Gollum the best character from this series? I saw 1.5 of the movies (before falling asleep) but I do know that all Gollum did was wander around and go, “my precious”, channeling his inner-Ben Roethlisberger on the prowl for coeds before its time. So yeah, that’s a great character. I would link to the LOTR clip from Clerks II, but I’ve already done that on this blog previously. Screw it.

#54 – Juno
Am I the only one that thought this movie sucked? Some smartass 17-year-old gets preggers but maintains her sassiness. Woopty-doo. It was written by some recovering stripper or something, so, you know, that gives it street cred, or makes it cute, or prodigal or whatever. Anyway, no way Juno should make this list. You want a smartass kid, give me Igby from Igby Goes Down.

#59 – Master Chief (from Halo)
Already ranted about video game crap, but once again, isn’t this just a dude in a metal suit with a gun? Master Chief should have to immediately hand this award to Robocop.

#70 – Saturday Night Live’s Mary Katherine Gallagher
One of the golden ages of SNL involved the early ‘90s with Chris Farley, Mike Myers, Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, etc. and then we had the Will Ferrell era. And yet, the stupid “Superstar” girl makes the list. Maybe the rankers had a catholic school girl fetish. It’s the only reasonable explanation. And yes, I count fetishes as reasonable explanations.

#74 – Don Draper
Buffy is #3 and Don Draper is #74. If that isn’t grounds for shooting the rankers, what is?

#91 – Hancock
This movie sucked. This isn’t even a good Will Smith character. How is Hancock better than the Fresh Prince, the dude from Independence Day or the guy from Men in Black? I’ll tell EW where they can stick their Hancock.

#93 – More Video Game characters
I can’t even rant about this topic anymore. I just had to list this on principle.

Off the top of my head, these were the horrendous omissions. I’m sure there’s plenty more I’ll think about in the middle of the night.

The rest of the main Seinfeld cast, as well as Frank Costanza
Bart Simpson
Mark Walberg’s character from I Heart Huckabees
An Edward Norton character - pick one: Primal Fear, American History X, Fight Club
John McClane
McLovin
Dwight Shrute
SNL characters (too many to list)
The dynamic Paul Walker/Vin Diesel duo from Fast and Furious

Chris

Cross Sport Rankings

2010-05-26T18:39:00.001-07:00

Graham had a kid and I told him I'd update the Cross Sport Power Rankings this week. I looked over them while drinking a Stella and realized that my word sucks. I mean, how I am supposed to rant about rankings that list hockey players as the top 3 people? I have a better WNBA knowledge base than hockey. Regardless, Graham is m.i.a. with a new kid and I'm headed out of town for the better part of the next week. So...don't expect much from us anytime soon. Who am I kidding, you didn't expect much anyway.

Chris

The cross-sports power rankings

2010-05-19T15:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my wife was due to give birth to our second son. The birth of a child is a monumental event, but it was only the second most important thing about my day yesterday. My primary concern: the release of this week’s espn.com cross-sport power rankings.

After being disappointed by last week’s decidedly competent rankings, they’ve reverted back to their usual lunacy. Am I the only who cares about this? Probably. But I do care. Too much.

To the list!

#1: Ray Allen. Get this: “The 14-year NBA vet had the hot hand in Game 1, shooting 50 percent from the field and scoring 25 points against the Magic. As Trey Wingo put it, he's ‘ageless’."

25 points on 50% shooting gives him the top spot? I went back and looked at the play-by-play (I’m not even kidding); seven points came in the fourth quarter. He didn’t take over the game, he didn’t put on a clinic in the final minutes, he didn’t put the Celtics on his back and lead them to victory, he basically just put together a perfectly acceptable game.

Christ, Kobe Bryant had 40 points in Game 1 of the Lakers-Suns series. So why does Ray Allen get the nod? Because he’s a 14-year vet? In other words, ESPN is saying, ‘Well Ray, we thought you were washed up, turns out you’re not, so good job old man.’ That’s insulting. Kind of like when I tell Chris I liked one of his blog posts.

So where’s Kobe? He’s…

#4: Kobe Bryant. Not only did he score 40 points in Game 1, only to come in behind Ray Allen, but they dropped him a spot in the standings. Unbelievable. It’s a sad day when I’m defending Kobe Bryant.

#8: Kevin Garnett: From ESPN: “Plus, have you ever seen anyone who personifies the term ‘game face’ like the Big Ticket?” Nope, never. In my nearly 30 years of watching sports I’ve never seen anyone take the game seriously.

Before Kevin Garnett came along, every other athlete came out onto the court skipping and humming “What a Wonderful World”. Kevin Garnett is the first athlete to ever get pumped up for a big game. If only Michael Jordan had been intense; how much better could he have been if he’d just buckled down and focused?

#9: LeBron James. His team was eliminated, it was generally accepted he didn’t play well towards the end of the series, and Delonte West may or may not have been having sex with his mom. But let’s throw him in the power rankings anyway because in 3 months he might go play somewhere else. Makes sense.

#11: Didier Drogba. He’s a soccer player, by the way. Anyway, they mention one of the reasons for listing him is that he was named one of Time Magazine’s 100 Most Influential People. You know who else was on that list? Lady Gaga. So let’s not go taking that title too seriously, ok?

#14: Mike Cammalleri. Finally, some Jewish representation. At least they got one thing right.

Now a programming note: if nothing happens in the next week, my wife will be induced Tuesday. I considered protesting since Tuesdays are when the cross-sport power rankings come out, but even I’m not dumb enough to lobby for a date change for our child’s birth in order to monitor a sports website’s made-up gimmick that no one else really cares about.

So odds are my reaction to next week’s rankings will be on hold, unless Chris decides to pick up the baton.

Conference Finals Preview Bonanza

2010-05-17T11:43:00.001-07:00

After weeks, nay, months of nothing from me, it’s all Graham all the time right now. Good news for you, bad news for Chris, who is once again exposed as the second best writer here at RTS.

Of course, like the tv show Jericho, all good things must come to an end before their time. With the wife due to give birth to our second child any day now, it won’t be long before I once again disappear for extended stretches.

Until then, I continue with a series of playoff previews that come after the series have already started. But today you get a bonus: two sports for the price of one. That’s right, I’m previewing both the NHL and NBA Conference Finals. Why? Because I’m hoping the volume will overshadow the lack of real analysis. To the picks!

NHL Western Conference Finals: San Jose vs. Chicago
Chicago took Game 1 yesterday to take home ice advantage from San Jose. A few weeks ago people would have assumed that to be a death knell for the fragile Sharks, but improbably, the Sharks grew some playoff cojones this year and haven’t choked.

Watching them battle back from the own goal in the first round and becoming a playoff juggernaut has been the hockey equivalent to what it might be like if Shia LaBoeuf starred in a critically acclaimed drama that got him Oscar buzz.

That said, it’s starting to feel like Chicago’s year. When an undrafted free agent goaltender like Antti Niemi can carry a team for long stretches, then something’s going on. I think it keeps up. Chicago in 6.

NHL Eastern Conference Finals: Philadelphia vs. Montreal
Let’s take a step back for a second to appreciate how it came to pass that the Eastern Finals is a 7 vs. 8 matchup.

Philadelphia had to win their final regular season game just to qualify for the playoffs, then knocked off the veteran Devils in Round 1. They went down to Boston 3-0, then rallied to win three straight to send it to Game 7. They promptly pooped their pants, going down 3-0 in that game. Except, that didn’t seem to bother them too much as they came back and won.

As for Montreal, by now everyone knows that they pulled off the rare eighth seed over first seed first round upset, then knocked off Sidney Crosby and the defending champs in the second round. But most impressive is that their best offensive player is Jewish. So Mazel Tov, Montreal.

At any rate, how do you pick a 7-8 conference finals? How ridiculous is it that we’re at this point? And with Michael Cammalleri and Jordan Farmar both in the conference finals, is this the best year for Jewish professional athletes in history? Even though Philly took Game 1, I think the Habs continue their ride. Montreal in 7.

NBA Eastern Conference Finals: Orlando vs. Boston
I really hate the idea of picking Boston. I don’t need any more Kevin Garnett in my life. I’m sick of his act. But having said that, unless Doc Rivers screws it up for them, and he very well could, I don’t see Orlando beating them.

All the Celtics have to do is foul Dwight Howard every time he touches the ball. If Orlando can’t get Howard going, who’s carrying them? Vince Carter? Jameer Nelson? JJ Redick? If I’m Boston, I’d take my chances with any of those guys. Boston in 6.

NBA Western Conference Finals: L.A. vs. Phoenix
I’ve barely watched any NBA this season. I still follow it, still have an idea of what’s going on, still won my fantasy league, but I barely watch the games anymore. Horrible officiating, games that end with 17 straight timeouts in the last two minutes and watching Nate McMillan get Coach of the Year votes despite being a terrible coach have turned me off of the games themselves.

But not for this series.

This is the first time in a long time I count myself being legitimately excited about watching the NBA.

I have no idea who to pick. I mean Christ, I don’t want Kobe to win the series and play for another title, especially since the winner of this series will be the favorite in the finals. Phoenix can throw enough bodies at him to give him trouble, and the Suns hold a huge point guard advantage with Nash over Fisher. With Robin Lopez supposedly coming back, it gives them another big body to contend with Pau Gasol, an especially big advantage if Andrew Bynum isn’t 100%. And with a week off, the geriatric Suns should have their legs.

But the Lakers are still the Lakers. They destroyed a very good Utah team, and I hate betting against them. And a big part of the Suns relies on Jason Richardson getting hot, never a sure thing. And did I just type a minute ago that Robin Lopez needs to be a factor in this series? Oh sweet lord. You know what? Screw it. Phoenix in 7.

The Canucks are in playoff purgatory

2010-05-13T10:38:00.000-07:00

This is a long, rambling rant about hockey. I wrote this more for me than for anyone else. Skip it altogether if you want, it won't hurt my feelings.

This is how bad it’s gotten: when the Blackhawks took a 3-0 lead late in the second period of Game 6 the other night, I spent the third period reading a book. Sure the TV was on. And I perked up a bit when Shane O’Brien made it 3-1. But I never really got my hopes up. I knew it was over. I invested myself more in the story of credit default swaps in Michael Lewis’s The Big Short than I did my favorite team’s playoff finale.

I’ve been kicked around by the Canucks before, but this felt different. It’s not just that they lost. It’s not just that they were horribly outcoached. It’s not just that they were dealing with a staggering list of injuries, including a bruised testicle to their best defenseman.

It’s that the window closed. And it’s closed now for a decade.

And that hurts.

Here’s what we now know about the Vancouver Canucks: in its current incarnation this is a very good team, but not an elite team. Which means they’re stuck in the worst possible position: playoff purgatory. They’ll make the playoffs every year, but barring an incredible stroke of luck they’ll never make the Finals, let alone with the Cup. This team is doomed to a decade of first or second round exits.

Everything was geared up toward this year, and it was all lining up.

Questions about the Sedin twins in the past were put to rest this year: Henrik led the league in scoring, and Daniel would have been right there with him if not for missing 20 games with an injury.

Ryan Kesler anchored the second line and solidified his spot as one of the top-five two-way players in the league.

They got secondary scoring from Alex Burrows, Mason Raymond and Mikael Samuelsson.

They led the conference in goals.

But all of that went out the window in the playoffs. The Sedins were shut down by the Blackhawks. Burrows showed he maxes out in the regular season, and doesn’t have another level for the playoffs. Pavol Demitra is a carcass. The defense was exposed. Badly. Luongo was spectacular one night, and ineffective the next. And the special teams were a calamity.

Which brings me to my next point: coaching. Let the record show that the 2010 Playoffs were the moment when Alain Vigneault was exposed as a bad coach. There’s no way a team that led the conference in goals in the regular season should be so useless on the power play. No team at any level should be as bad on the penalty kill as the Canucks. Special teams are about systems, and systems are put in place by the coach.

Even beyond that, they were being manhandled by a bigger Chicago team, so what does he do? Stick with three lines, which killed them two ways: their elite players got worn down from overuse and physical play, and the fourth liners who could light a spark and get the team going instead were reduced to spectators.

Or this beauty: in the first round against LA he put Samuelsson with the twins and they exploded. But in the second round he breaks them up and puts a useless Burrows back with them, managing the double feat of hurting both the top line and the player who’d benefitted most from the line change. Brilliant.

As much as I wish we could pin it all on the coach, fire him and bring in a new guy. It’s not that simple. For one, he’s signed for two or three more years. What team wants to pay two coaches for that long?

Here’s the real problem: the Canucks have tied themselves to a core for the next half decade or longer, and that core has come up short time and time again. The Sedins and Kesler are on board for another five years. Luongo starts his 12-year extension (!) next season, while star goalie prospect Cory Schneider will certainly have to be traded at some point. Burrows will be starting his four-year deal. They will have about $11 million to fill eight spots next season.

And here’s the problem: those players have maxed out. Henrik Sedin led the league in scoring and is an MVP candidate. Daniel’s point-per game average was identical. They really can’t play better than they did this year. Kesler has improved every year, but how much more of a ceiling does he have? We know Luongo is at his peak, and it’s hard to believe Burrows can play better than he did last year.

That’s why this year was so critical: all of those guys, with the exception of Luongo, had career years. And it still wasn’t enough.

Meanwhile, the LA team Vancouver eliminated in the first round has a staggering array of young talent that will grow and get better. Chicago has beaten Vancouver two years in a row with a core that’s younger, already better, and still improving. How can the Canucks possibly expect to compete with those two teams for the next decade? Nevermind annual juggernauts like San Jose and Detroit.

The Canucks maxed out this year, and all it was good for was a second round exit. And it’s hard to believe things can get any better anytime soon.

So it’s a decade of playoff purgatory.

This sucks.

Crap, ESPN wised up

2010-05-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

Last week I took a swing at ESPN.com for their cross-sport power rankings, their latest in a long line of lame gimmicks. And really, they made it easy. For God’s sake, they had Tiger in the top-20 despite missing the cut at that week’s tournament. Not even Kristen Wiig is that overrated.

But apparently the powers that be at ESPN read RTS, because this week’s cross-sport power rankings are actually quite reasonable. Frustratingly so, since it give me little to complain about. And complaining is what makes this blog go.

But I really can’t quibble with any of their selections. It’s really bothering me. Did ESPN just get lucky this week, or have they wised up? I’d been counting on these asinine rankings to give me a wealth of material every week. I’d spent days anticipating the release of this week’s list. I was more excited for the ESPN cross-sport power rankings than any 30-something person had any right to be.

But I have nothing this week. They did a good job.

That said, if Sami Salo plays for the Canucks tonight only two days after suffering a bruised testicle, he needs to be #1 next week. No if and or buts. Or balls.

Anyway, since I can’t complain about the ESPN cross-sport power rankings, instead, enjoy this delightfully awful video promoting Sioux City:

On Dwyane Wade and Christmas presents

2010-05-06T09:00:00.000-07:00

Graham has been on fire this week. 2 posts! And what do I have to show for it, uh, nothing. I’d like to blame it on my uber-busy 60-hour a week work schedule and time spent with the kids, but both of those things are about as real as Ben Roethlisberger's male chastity belt. Regardless, Graham tells me the RTS water is warm so I’m going to dive back in, with, yep, you guessed it, an email exchange hitting all the better parts of the NBA, infidelity, divorce and Christmas presents.

Graham
I believe this is what the kids call "baby mama drama"

Chris
This was the highlight for me: It also claims that the boys received "medium size gifts" from Dwyane Wade for Christmas last year, while Union got "the biggest gift of all."

Are these sizes in reference to actual physical size, or how much they are worth? For instance, did the kids get a Wii and new TV, which are both medium-sized, while Union got the world's largest stuffed unicorn, which is rather large. Or, did the kids get a Wii and TV, which are pretty expensive, but Union got a brand new house? I'm confused.

And if you can sue someone over Christmas gifts, well I'm calling a lawyer now for all those damn socks given to me over the years.

Graham
That stood out to me as well. I think we need insight into what the gifts were. But I assume it's monetary value. I like the fact that the ex-wife put the kids on the lawsuit as plaintiffs as well as her. I'm sure the two-year-old is just beside himself about all this.

Tell you what...between a psycho mom who names them in lawsuits and a pro athlete dad who bangs actresses, do these kids even have a hope in hell? Sure, they'll be ok financially, but there is zero chance they are well adjusted human beings.

Chris
Yeah, these kids are screwed, except for the fact that they probably have some pretty sweet Nike gear to wear to school for life. That cancels out the psycho mom, most likely. But if Wade has the audacity to give them medium sized gifts 2 years in a row, well hell, he should be sued.

And whatever lawyer drafted this suit and included the Christmas gift bullshit should just be taken out and shot. So this crazy jilted wife wants to go after her rich husband. She is pissed off and out for blood. She wants to not only try to get his money, but take a shot at both him and his famous actress girlfriend. Hell hath no fury and all that crap. I get all that. I do. But why throw in the Christmas gift shit? I mean, all of the other stuff is far-fetched already, but the second you start talking about the size of gifts, that's when I really don't believe you. Shouldn't this lawyer have just gone, "I think the oral sex in front of the kids is really the meat of this lawsuit. (no pun intended). We can do without the Christmas gift argument and just go with this."

Second, didn't the article say she was asking for $50,000? Does she know how much D-Wade is worth? I think you could get $50,000 out of just about anyone if they really were doing the crap she claims. Shouldn't she have asked for half of his next NBA contract or something? Do we have any pictures of her and her lawyer? I want to see video of her deposition, like, right now.

ESPN Drives Me Crazy Again

2010-05-04T15:37:00.001-07:00

(Two posts by Graham in a row. I'm on fire!)

The list of bizarre ESPN gimmicks is a long and glorious one. Who can forget the “Who’s Now?” bracket a few years ago? Or their mock press conferences with Steve Phillips? Or just about anything John Hollinger does?

You’d think they’d learn from these flops, but nope, they keep coming up with crazy ideas and throwing them out there. The latest is the “Cross-sport power rankings.” Rather than me explain, I’ll copy and paste directly from the WWL:

“We're ranking the top 20 athletes in all of sports. And we're basing where they stand on their performance right now.”

So who votes on these power rankings? Why it’s some of ESPN’s biggest names! Like, uh, Jemele Hill. And Bram Weinstein. No Hank Goldberg though, which is a bit disappointing.

At any rate, this is a goofy gimmick. I give it six weeks, tops. So before it dies a quiet, undignified death, I’m going to weigh in on their Week 2 picks. To the list!

#1: LeBron James.

Seems reasonable. I’m with you so far.

#2: Calvin Borel.

He was the jockey of the Kentucky Derby-winning horse. The Derby’s a big deal I guess. It seems a bit odd to give such a high ranking to a guy who just whips a horse for 3 minutes instead of a basketball, hockey or baseball player slogging through an interminable season, but I’m willing to go with it.

Let’s jump ahead a bit…

#7: Ryo Ishikawa.

He’s the Japanese golfer who shot a 58. I’m not mocking his selection, but ESPN’s reasoning was priceless: “Jemele Hill's take on Ryo's 12-under 58: ‘That's just absurd.’” Well, if Jemele Hill says so, then there’s no arguing that.

#9: Sidney Crosby.
He dropped six spots from his Week 1 standing of third place. Why? “Sid the Kid drops all the way down to No. 9 with the Pens' loss on Sunday.” He drops six spots because Pittsburgh lost one game? Seems a bit harsh. Especially given that it was to a Montreal team that just knocked off the #1 team in the first round. Was the expectation that the Penguins would go 16-0 in the playoffs? LeBron’s Cavaliers lost a game in the first round to Chicago but he’s still #1. Why is Crosby being punished so harshly?

#11: Rory McIlroy.
No problem with the seeding, but this killed me: “’A [Quail Hollow final-round] course record, a $1.17 million victory, and turns 21 on Tuesday ... Irish eyes are smiling!’ -- Dana Jacobsen”

Relax, Dana. We know you’re still trying to make it up to Catholics after your Notre Dame debacle a few years ago, but maybe ease up a bit.

Here we get to my absolute favorite:

#15: Tiger Woods.
Check this out: “Quail Hollow, Schmail Hollow. Despite missing the cut, the panel still thinks Tiger has what it takes when it counts.”

I don’t even know where to start, but how about this: he missed the fucking cut of the tournament he just played in! Even discounting all the other stuff in his life, even if you’re only basing it on his performance at work, that performance was the shits this week! If Tiger Woods can miss the cut of the Quail Hollow tournament and still come in at #15, then ESPN.com’s editors can expect angry phone calls from Kevin Streelman, Cameron Percy and Rich Barcelo. They missed the cut too- where are they in the rankings?

And let’s not forget that his wife is allegedly divorcing him because he slept with any woman who’d look at him. The guy would have banged Betty White if the opportunity arose! He may or may not have a Vicodin addiction! There’s persuasive evidence that his lawyers successfully squashed the police investigation surrounding his traffic accident!

And what’s with the ‘the panel still thinks Tiger has what it takes when it counts’ comment? That’s terrific. And if science finds a way to convert farts to currency, I’ll be rich. But both are fairly speculative at this point.

It’s sad how riled up I’m getting about this. I need to move on.

#20: Brandon Jennings.
Jennings was unrated the previous week…and moved up to #20 after his team lost their first round series. Remember, this is the same panel that dropped Sidney Crosby six spots for losing one game, but they promote Jennings for losing a series.

“But Graham,” you’re thinking, “surely he must have played out of his mind. ESPN has employed a panel of experts who have given this list tremendous thought, and they must have felt he played exceptionally well to warrant such a high honor as #20 on the cross-sports power ranking.”

I didn’t watch the series, so I assumed the same thing. I checked the stats: 40.8% shooting from the field, 29.3% shooting from three-point range. Twelve points in Game 6, 15 in Game 7. In the final two games of the series, he was 10-33 from the field and 2-13 from long distance.

Meanwhile, Kevin Durant was #2 on last week’s list and not only fell out of the top-20 this week, but didn’t even warrant an honorable mention. He shot 35.0% in the playoffs from the field, and 28.6% from three-point range. Crappy? Yes. But very similar to Jennings’s numbers, only they punted Durant from the top-20 and promoted Jennings. Unbelievable.

NHL Round 2 Predictions

2010-04-30T15:03:00.000-07:00

Hey folks, Graham here. How’s it going? Long time, no blog. I know everyone’s clamoring for more of me, but as Regis Philbin once said, I’m only one man!

I mean, I work, I have a kid, another on the way, I’m a busy man. And that doesn’t even take into account how full my DVR is. Those shows don’t watch themselves.

But today I’m back. Then I’m sure I’ll be gone again, so enjoy it while it lasts.

What am I blogging about? The NHL baby! It’s a second round playoff preview. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But Graham, you didn’t do a preview for the first round.” True. But there were eight series. I mean Christ, that’s a lot of writing.

I know what else you’re thinking: “Who writes a playoff preview when the second round has already started?” Yes, it’s true that San Jose beat Detroit in Game 1 yesterday. And while that nullifies any ideas I might have had of predicting a Red Wings sweep, I give you my word I won’t let it affect my judgement. (Full disclosure: my word doesn’t mean much.)

With that out of the way, on to the picks.

Eastern Conference
Pittsburgh vs. Montreal

Montreal comes in on a roll, achieving the rare feat of a #8 knocking off a #1. Although, would it have been too much to ask for Brian Gionta to lie on the ice holding his stick in the air screaming at the final buzzer, a la Dikembe Mutombo?

At any rate, I think the magic ends here (much to the CBC’s chagrin). Beating Washington was Montreal’s Stanley Cup. I don’t see them doing it again. Fact is, they were severely outplayed, and survived mostly thanks to a superhuman effort from Jaroslav Halak in net. And while Pittsburgh isn’t quite as deep offensively as the Capitals, I don’t see it happening two series in a row.

Consider that in the last two years Sidney Crosby has led his team to two straight Stanley Cup finals, winning it last year, and an Olympic gold medal. He’s beaten teams much better than Montreal with higher stakes on the line.

Pittsburgh in 5.

Boston vs. Philadelphia

Who knows. Philly’s banged up, and Boston’s getting Marc Savard back. Truth be told, I barely know anything about this series.

Boston in 6

Western Conference
San Jose vs. Detroit

I like the word enigma. It’s a good word. Fun to say. So in honor of the San Jose Sharks, I’m pulling it out (hey now!) for them. San Jose has a well-documented history of playoff failures. Two-thirds of their top line are known to wilt in the playoffs. Their goalie had a complete meltdown at the Olympics. They barely scraped by a much inferior Colorado team in the first round. Sports Illustrated has less issues than that team.

But at the same time, they’re pretty damn good. They’ve been getting scoring from their secondary players, and if the top line can shake off its past history, they’re damn near unstoppable.

That said, they can’t advance unless Patrick Marleau and Joe Thornton raise their games, and there’s no reason to believe that two guys with a decade each of playoff failures will all of a sudden have the light go on. At some point you are what you are, and Marleau and Thornton are this: great regular season players, crappy playoff performers. They’re the NHL equivalent of the Dallas Mavericks, only without a sociopathic, yet highly entertaining, owner.

As if expecting that team to shake off its baggage isn’t enough, they’re going against the two-time conference champs. I don’t care if San Jose did win Game 1, Detroit’s taking the series.

Detroit in 6.

Vancouver vs. Chicago

Full disclosure: I’m a life-long Canucks fan. You want baggage? I got some fucking baggage. When it comes to the Canucks, I don’t hope for the best, I fear the worst. Because that’s usually what I get.

Take last year: the Canucks sweep St. Louis in the first round, and go up against a talented but inexperienced Chicago team in the second round. Vancouver’s up two games to one, and have the lead in Game 4. They’re looking right at a 3-1 lead in the series with the ability to close it out at home.

And they pissed it away. They blew Game 4, lost Game 5, then famously lost Game 6 when Roberto Luongo gave up 7 goals. You know it’s a bad ending when the starting goalie gives a post-game interview like this.

But it wasn’t completely Luongo’s fault. Vancouver’s defense was not built for last year’s Chicago team: not fast enough to keep up with their speed guys, not big enough for their net crashers. Pretty deadly combination.

Well, guess what. Vancouver’s defense is even worse this year. Christian Ehrhoff has been fantastic, but the rest…yikes. When a Swedish guy is the most physical player on the unit, that’s a problem. Even more troubling is that Andrew Alberts is going to be counted on heavily.

Who’s Andrew Alberts you ask? I was asking that too before the L.A. Kings series. Turns out, he’s a lunkhead. He can’t keep up with anyone faster than a crippled three-legged dog. He can’t move the puck. In fact, he has little in the way of discernible hockey skills. In short, he sucks. At one point in the series I turned to my wife and said “I want nothing but bad things to happen to him in life. Not bodily harm or anything, but I do want him to be audited.”

So that sucks.

But there is a flip side. The Canucks are much better offensively than last year. The Sedin twins are unstoppable, and since Mikael Samuelsson joined their line, they’ve been the best group in the league. With that line carrying them, if they get secondary scoring, they’re pretty to beat. And even though Luongo has those demons from last year, I trust him more than the kid the Blackhawks are throwing out there.

So Vancouver gets the edge in goal, and probably a slight edge up front. I’d like to think that’s enough to compensate for their defense.

But I have a nagging feeling it isn’t, especially compared to Duncan Keith, Brian Campbell, Brent Seabrook and my longtime favorite Brent Sopel in Chicago. The Canucks’ D couldn’t keep up with the Kings, and I don’t think for one second they can do it against a better Chicago team. If the Canucks are going to win, they need their offense firing on all cylinders. And that’s a dangerous way to live in the playoffs.

My god I hope I’m wrong, but my gut is telling me we’ll see a similar result as last year.

Chicago in 7.

April Stumbles

2010-04-25T15:27:00.000-07:00

Here’s the latest things from the Internet I’ve found impressive thanks to friends and StumbleUpon.

This truly has to be both a blessing and a curse.

Are you a fan of classic Nintendo games? Do you like Guns N’ Roses? Of course you do!

You know, I learned a lot of dumb things in school. Why didn’t I learn about the irony symbol? And why aren’t we using it. This would come in handy in today’s world with so much sarcasm and irony lost in translation when reading emails, text messages and the like.

I’m not sure exactly what it is about explosions that I find so mesmerizing but this is as good as it gets.

I’m not a lip balm type of person (are any guys?), but this one could win me over.

I would not mess with the people in this truck. They mean business.

Mindy Kaling 1, Anti-Pirating Ads 0

Copy editors/headline writers have a rapier wit.

I’m too lazy to do the legwork and research, but this can’t be real, right? I mean, if so, why aren’t Doc Brown and Marty McFly buying this up by the ton?

I like to think that I’m the guy from high school that people would be terrified is running the country. Which is why I’m not, I suppose.

I have shown this movie trailer to 4 different people in the last 24 hours. It looks hysterical.

I really don’t think I ask for many things in life, but man, if a family member is reading this, please hunt down the maker of this fine item and buy it for me for my next birthday.

Me and Graham try to maintain a proper level of Internet decorum on the blog, if such a thing even exists, but man, I can’t keep this video to myself. And after you’ve watched a penis copter video, well, that’s really all that’s left to do for the day.

Chris

The Rudy Gay dilemma

2010-04-18T10:10:00.000-07:00

There’s not many things I’m more educated about than the Memphis Grizzlies. I’ve been to about 250+ home games over the past 7 years and probably watched about 500 games during that time span. I haven’t really written about the Grizz or NBA on here since I was the fan blogger for Grizzlies.com. Now that I’m officially retired from that position, it’s time to unleash my Grizzlies knowledge upon the RTS readership. You know, cause Jersey Shore Season 2 hasn’t started yet.

I proclaimed last offseason to be the make-or-break offseason for the Grizzlies. They had the number 2 pick in the draft. They had cap room to go after a free agent. They had another 1st round draft pick and an early 2nd round pick. If they were going to turn things around, it was last offseason. As the Grizzlies just finished a 40 win season (up from 24), it’s easy to say that last offseason was a success. As Commercial Appeal writer Geoff Calkins wrote today, last offseason was a mixed bag, at best.

I think there’s little value in criticizing past decisions on their own. Past decisions should be used to determine future actions. I also think that it’s easy for sports writers, bloggers, etc. to make fun of past decisions with hindsight. It’s easy to criticize drafting Hasheem Thabeet over Tyreke Evans or Steph Curry today. Did you have the balls to call for that ahead of time? I did, well, privately, and have the email archives to prove it. But I come not to praise my past decisions or to bury Thabeet, but rather, to tell you what the Grizzlies should do this offseason.

The bottom line is that the Grizzlies can’t, CAN’T, overpay for Rudy Gay. The running joke in the NBA is that teams trade for cap room and flexibility, which is really just PR spin to say that an owner wanted to cut cost. However, worse than trading for cap room and flexibility is getting stuck in untradeable contracts.

Look at the 76ers and Pistons.

The 76ers are over the salary cap and had a 27-55 season. They’re stuck paying Andre Iguodala and Elton Brand almost $28 million next year (almost half their payroll). That number keeps going up until through 2013. They had the choice to overpay for Iguodala or let him walk. They paid him. They had free agent money and spent it on Brand. They don’t get do-overs. This is their core for the next 3 seasons unless they can unload one of the players. For Brand, that will be almost impossible. They can probably get rid of Iguodala for draft picks and cap space and rebuild again, you know, like they did a few years ago when they traded Iverson to rebuild around Iguodala.

The Pistons have $51 million in committed salaries next year and had a 27-55 season. They’re stuck paying Rip Hamilton, Ben Gordon and Charlie Villaneuva $29 million next season. That number keeps going up until through 2013. Sound familiar? This team had cap room last year, made the seemingly wrong choices to invest in Gordon and Villaneuva and can’t get that money back. They’re stuck with this core.

This isn’t the NFL where the contracts are non-guaranteed and you can just cut a player and his contract if you made a mistake. This isn’t the MLB where there is no salary cap so teams like the Yankees and Red Sox can just increase the payroll each year as needed. In the NBA, teams only get 1 or 2 chances to make big signings each couple of years. Each couple of years! The only way to win in the NBA is to go over the salary cap and pay the luxury tax or to make shrewd signings. For the Grizzlies, it’s going to have to be the latter. So, is Rudy Gay one of the guys to sign? Let’s discuss.

Grizzlies owner Michael Hesiely has put himself in a bad spot. By assembling a cheap roster the past few years, the knock has been that he’s unwilling to spend money. Now there’s pressure to re-sign Rudy Gay. Will he overpay Rudy Gay just to say, “Look, I spent money.” Signing Rudy Gay for $10+ million a year is my nightmare scenario. Gay is an athlete but he’s not a basketball player. He can get you 20 points a game. If your main skill is scoring, you’ve got to be a scoring machine (see Durant, Kevin). 20 points per game isn’t enough. You’ve got to do more than that. You have to use your athleticism to defend, rebound and block shots (see Smith, Josh). You have to create for others (see Evans, Tyreke or Johnson, Joe). Rudy Gay is an elite athlete, but not an elite player.

Rudy Gay isn’t terrible, by any means, but in the NBA, it’s not just about how good a player is. It’s how much the player cost. The small market teams are at a distinct disadvantage because they can’t pay a $91 million roster like the Lakers. The Grizzlies had a $57 million roster last year. The salary cap next year is supposed to be $56 million. The Grizzlies won’t go over that. I don’t blame Heisely for that. Small market teams don’t go over the cap. So you have to spend the money wisely. If Rudy Gay is the man, you sign him. If not, you have to be willing to let him walk.

If the Grizz sign Gay for $10 million per season, they’ve set the market value and expectations for their upcoming free agents for the future. If Rudy Gay is worth $10 million, do you think Zach Randolph, OJ Mayo or Marc Gasol will settle for less? And are the Grizzlies willing to spend $40+ million a year on Gay, Randolph, Mayo and Gasol? The simple answer is no. Michael Heisley will not pay all four guys. Signing Gay to a big contract means that Randolph, Mayo or Gasol will not be resigned. That’s why it’s a nightmare scenario to give Gay a big contact this year.

I prioritize the players like this: Mayo, Gasol, Randolph and Gay. The problem is that Gay is the lowest priority but also the first free agent. I’d rather try to sign Mayo and Gasol and then see if there’s enough money left to throw at Gay. The Grizz don’t have that option. If the Grizzlies can’t sign Gay for $8 million per season or less (and they can’t), here’s the viable alternatives.

Sign and trade Rudy Gay
This is going to be tricky. A lot of teams have positioned themselves with cap room so they could just sign Gay outright instead of giving up something in a sign and trade. Gay can make more money and sign for 1 more year in a sign and trade, so he’d push for that. What could you get for him? If the Nets, Hornets or Jazz land the number 1 pick, a trade is going to be in the works for the number 1 pick (John Wall) or Devin Harris.

If the Nets win the lottery, could the Grizzlies trade Gay for Devin Harris? The Nets would then be able to have a core of Brook Lopez, Gay and John Wall and enough cap room to add more free agents. The Grizzlies would then let Mike Conley walk after next season to help free up some money for Randolph, Mayo and/or Gasol.

If the Jazz win the lottery could the Grizzlies trade Gay and their lottery pick for the number 1 pick and Andrei Kirilenko? The Jazz would save some money and be able to build around a younger core of Deron Williams, Paul Millsap and Gay. The Grizzlies could let Kirilenko walk after the season to free up money for Randolph, Mayo and Gasol. They wouldn’t have to pay John Wall until his rookie deal ended down the road.

If the Hornets win the lottery, could the Grizzlies trade Gay and their lottery pick for the number 1 pick, Peja and James Posey. The Hornets save some money and still have a core of Chris Paul, David West and Rudy Gay. The Grizzlies land John Wall and should still have enough money to pay at least two of the three: Gasol, Randolph and Mayo.

I’m not sure if there’s other viable sign-and-trade options given that a lot of the teams can just sign Gay outright. If the Knicks can’t land LeBron, Rudy Gay could get a big offer. Are you willing to let him walk for nothing? Here’s another option.

Let Rudy Gay sign with another team
Re-sign Ronnie Brewer and use your lottery pick on a small forward. You can probably sign Brewer for a third of the cost of Gay and hope that one of the following small forwards lasts until your pick late in the lottery: Wesley Johnson, Xavier Henry, Al-Farouq Aminu or Gordon Haywood. Would you rather have Gay for $12 million or a Brewer/Henry combo for $6 million?

Let the market dictate his value
Posture that you’re willing to match any offer for him (which the Grizz are already doing). Hope that the teams with cap room sign other big name free agents instead. Hope that either Gay’s market value is lower than he expects or almost non-existent. This would be the Josh Smith/Paul Millsap route. I don’t think it will happen, but it’s worth a shot.

Match whatever offer Gay gets
If the Knicks sign him for $12 million per season, match it. He’s an asset. Even if you don’t think he’s worth that much, you sign him and then spend the next 12 months trying to find a suitor willing to take him for a combination of younger players or draft picks. Keep the asset in your pocket and hope you can turn it for cheaper pieces before next summer when Randolph and Gasol’s contracts are up. I’m not a fan of this move cause you could get stuck with the contract, or Gay could get injured, but I would at least accept the mentality.

The bottom line is that the Grizzlies still haven’t determined their long term core or future. Last summer seemed to be that summer, but instead of signing a long term free agent, they took a 2-year rental on Zach Randolph. It bought some time and gave the fans some hope and added another option to the core, but the question still remains, how much is Michael Heisley willing to spend on this team, and which players is he going to spend it on? Rudy Gay’s at the plate. Randolph & Gasol are on deck. Mayo is in the hole.

Chris

RTS: A blog divided over Jersey Shore

2010-04-07T13:37:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week Chris sent Graham an e-mail about Jersey Shore. This saddened Graham, who refuses to watch Jersey Shore on principle. It led to a spirited e-mail debate that was our most prolific in weeks. Sit back as Graham gets on his high horse while Chris makes the most ridiculous movie comparison in history.

Chris
You really need to watch Jersey Shore Season 2. They are starting to film now. If you can't appreciate the picture below of a spray-tanned guido wearing "The Urban Sombrero", well then, we aren't friends.

Graham
Then we aren't friends.

Chris
I suppose you don't like train wrecks then. Cause Jersey Shore is just one big mess of stupidity infused with steroids, hair gel, booze and testosterone. GTL baby.

Graham
Fine, I'll take the bait.

(Deep breath)

In regards to reality television "train wrecks", no, I don't like them. Why do I want to watch a bunch of sad, worthless people allow themselves to be exploited in hopes that they can gain 15 minutes of fame? What's the entertainment value in that? I can't laugh with or at these people, I just feel sorry for them. They're pathetic with few, if any, redeeming qualities. What has Paris Hilton added to the world? Kim Kardashian? What have these Jersey Shore idiots added?

Nothing.

They serve no purpose other than to glorify their own egos. So no, after a long day at work, a 45-minute commute in gridlock and if I'm lucky, spending an hour of quality time with my son before his bedtime, I don't feel like unwinding by watching these brain-dead idiots humiliate themselves.

But it goes beyond that. It speaks to a larger issue at play here, namely, even though these twits completely degrade themselves for the sake of "entertaining" the simpletons who watch them, they still win. One, they get paid. And two, there are actually morons who come to admire them, which is beyond depressing. On the news last week they reported that one of these Jersey Shore guys was going to be in town making a club appearance. It may have been an April Fool's joke, but even if he did come, he'd get airfare and hotel paid for, an appearance fee, and he'd have a bunch of hot, idiotic women who'd allow him to give them the Sandra Bullock treatment if they let him (how's that for timely?).

What does that say about the warped nature of modern day celebrity? How screwed up is this whole system? So no, I don't watch. I don't want to have anything to do with perpetuating this endless cycle of stupidity and celebrity worship.

Give me Chuck any day of the week instead.

Chris
I agree with 50% of what you said. Let's interview myself to dig deeper.

Do I think the Jersey Shore cast are idiots and undeserving of any amount of monetary compensation for being idiots?
Yes. However, I do watch the show, which indirectly pays them, so I guess I'm a hypocrite. Then again, if you think about it, we're huge sports fans and what, 85% of these guys are douches, idiots and morons and we have no problem paying big money to follow them.

Graham
The sports analogy doesn't work for me. Athletes are morons, you and I know that as well as anyone. But I don't watch sports because of their character, I watch sports because I like sports. I really don't care that much about the kind of people they are away from the field. But these train wreck shows are built around these peoples' personalities, or lack thereof. That's where I run into the issue.

Chris
Even if you don't care about an athlete's personality, or say you don't, you still give that person money and support. You probably don't like Michael Vick. The reason you don't like him has nothing to do with sports. You wouldn't buy his jersey. So you can't say that personality doesn't come into play with sports players. Ultimately, you like sports cause of the game, not the player, but still, you support the player regardless. I support Jersey Shore people, reluctantly, because I like to laugh at them. And I don't watch Jersey Shore because of their character, I watch them because they are caricatures.

Graham
I also resent the fact these people don't actually do anything. Even the worst pro athlete has to show up to practice a few hours a day, and have displayed some modicum of talent somewhere along the way. I hate Two and a Half Men, but at some point the actors would have taken acting lessons, worked their way up the ladder, etc. These Jersey Shore idiots just roll out of bed and go about their day with no discernible talent or skills, and are rewarded handsomely for it.

Chris
These people don't have talent? J-Woww designs her own clothes! Pauly D is a DJ. All of the guys have to GTL, you know, gym, tan and laundry. It's work baby.

Now, do I think that the Jersey Shore cast members are delusional and don't realize that 75% of their audience is laughing at them?
Yes.

Graham
But of course they don't realize, or even care, that people are laughing at them: they get paid, and they live the celebrity high life. If anything, they're laughing at us.

Chris
So really, you're jealous of them. You are jealous that idiots get paid to do nothing and you refuse to support it because you are a smart guy that has to work for a living. Don't hate the player Graham, hate the game.

Is it sad that the Jersey Shore cast doesn’t realize the majority of their audience is laughing at them?
Not really. The majority of Americans spend their time laughing at all the yokels out there and thanking God that they aren't like that. As a matter of fact, I'm sure a lot of people do it to us to. But they are wrong.

Graham
Who would laugh at us? We're awesome.

Chris
Agreed.

Do I think the 25% of the Jersey Shore audience that worship the cast are beyond pathetic?
Yes. It's one thing to be the idiot on Jersey Shore. It's another to want to be the idiot on Jersey Shore. I think the great Michael Keaton movie Multiplicity tackled this.

Graham
I can’t even argue this. You caught me completely off-guard with the Multiplicity reference.

Chris
That's what I was going for.

What's the entertainment value in all of this?
I like laughing at stupid people. As a matter of fact, isn't this why "fail" and "pwned" are terms we enjoy? And we do enjoy them. I think there's only so much one can handle. I watch Jersey Shore and Tool Academy. Essentially I like laughing at steroid driven egomaniacs cause, well, it makes me feel better about not having muscles. Don't tell anyone that.

Graham
Laughing at a 30-second clip of a regular guy falling off a bike is a lot different than feeding into the celebrity machine.

Chris
(whispering for dramatic effect) Is it really that different Graham? (grows louder) Is it REALLY THAT DIFFERENT?

As for glorifying their own egos, well, isn't that the problem with celebrity in the first place? Aren't regular schmoes like us constantly trying to figure out which celebrities are like us, aren't complete jackasses and we can identify with? Isn't that why the Tiger Woods and Sandra Bullock things are "shocking"? We're shocked cause we thought Tiger was just a regular dude that just happened to be extraordinary at golf. When we find out he's a lying adulterer, we're upset cause we watched him from a distance and pinned him as normal even though we had no reason to think so. We don't care when Jesse James or whoever the f he is turns out to be a piece of crap, but dear God, if he ruins that wholesome Sandra Bullock image that we made out of thin air based on fictional movies, then I'm upset. The sooner we admit that all celebrities are pretty much jackasses that are glorifying their own egos, the better off we'll all be. And the sooner we realize that we have no clue what it's like to live that life, the better off we'll be as well. So yeah, enjoy Chuck instead of Jersey Shore. Just don't pretend the guy in Chuck isn't just as big of an asshole, cause there's a pretty good chance he is.

Graham
Again, I go back to the sports analogy. I don't care if the guy in Chuck is a huge asshole: I like the show he's on. Chuck isn't based on his real-life persona, it's a scripted drama that has nothing to do with what the actors are like away from the set. It's not even close to the same thing.

Chris
I don't care if the people on Jersey Shore are huge assholes either. As a matter of fact, I know that they are, for the most part. If anything, it feels a little more honest.

White Men Can't Jump

2010-04-04T06:20:00.000-07:00

The L-ster Club

2010-03-23T02:23:00.000-07:00

Saying that a previous post about Latrell Sprewell was the most popular RTS post of all-time is akin to saying that “Your Love” is the best song by The Outfield. It's not like there were a lot of nominees. Any post that receive 1 comment is gold in our book, so when the Sprewell post got 14 comments (including some spam!), well, I had to go back to the well again. (You try to use “well” twice in a sentence, it’s not that easy.)

I went through my vault of dorky childhood things and pulled out another gem. It’s a letter and fan club application to Larry Johnson’s fan club. You can click on the pictures for larger images.

Let’s discuss the below letter first.

I love the fact that “great news” is bold, underlined, in all CAPS and has an exclamation point. I’m going to do this on my work emails from now on. Anything that’s important can’t simply be bolded or underlined. I’m taking it a step further. Let’s try it out. “I’m out on VACATION! this week but will respond to ALL EMAILS WHEN I RETURN!.” That isn’t going to get old, AT ALL!. Also, I think the guy typing out this letter forgot to underline “FREE”. He probably got fired.

Next, Larry Johnson tries to get me to pimp out his fan club to all my friends. Shame on you Larry. You shouldn’t even need my help since you already said you get “enormous amounts of mail.”

For Larry’s closing, he wishes me “Peace and God Bless.” That can’t hold a candle to Latrell’s “Yours in Basketball.”

Now, let’s discuss the fan club flyer.

Who thought up the brilliant name, “L-ster Club.” It sounds like a weekly meeting for pedophiles. I keep looking at it and thinking lester club, as in molester. Did he not go by “LJ” or “Grandmama” yet?

Next, the bottom of the order form is torn off so I’m sure I joined the free club. I’m distraught that I don’t have the membership card still. Think of the access that bad boy would've given me. I'm at All-Star weekend, trying to get in the club, waiting in line and flash the "L-ster Club" membership card. It would be just that easy.

I’m even more pissed that I didn’t join the MVP version for $18 and get a “L-ster t-shirt.” I would wear that thing everywhere. There's no sense dwelling on the missed opportunity now. I suppose we all have regrets from the past, just like Larry probably regrets forming “The L-ster Club.”

Chris

March Stumbles (links)

2010-03-20T08:31:00.000-07:00

Time to catch up on the stumbles (links). Here’s what’s I’ve come across on the web over the last month or so.

Why aren’t beer commercials funny anymore? I miss Miller Lite’s “Man Laws.” At least Bud Light is still bringing it.

How can you not want to watch a trailer for “MACGRUBER: The Ultimate Tool”?

Are you a fan of farts on TV? Then I’ve got the video for you.
Yes, I’m 29.

Do you like jingles? Do you like pork? Here you go.

I love the fact that this guy is a PE teacher.

Cars crashing in the snow never gets old. NEVER.

Canucklehead.ca probably contains my favorite images on the web. Here’s why.

I’m still waiting to use this website for a prank. Here people list what services they’ll provide for $5. One of them is a wake up call. I’m going to use it with Graham’s phone number for 5 a.m. on a Saturday morning soon enough.

Birds 1, reporter 0.

Whenever I’m having a bad day, I just click on this video and all my cares seem to melt away.

I’m putting Dehli on my "travel to" list just to witness this in person.

Plays like this convince me that I should just quit playing basketball. Then I watch the fat people falling video and everything turns out alright.

Even if this kid took this picture as a joke, well, it’s etched in Internet lore forever.

Creepiest family photo ever.

Chris

Chris' March Madness Picks (Updated with Graham's picks)

2010-03-17T14:59:00.001-07:00

Since tomorrow starts my second favorite sports weekend of the year, I suppose I should go on record with my March Madness picks. I’d taunt Graham and compare picks, but the tournament is a crapshoot and neither one of us has watched a great deal of college basketball. As a matter of fact, I don’t think I’ve watched a full game of any college team save for the University of Memphis, and they aren’t in the tournament. I did fall asleep to Ole Miss-Tennessee earlier this year. Maybe that will help me out.

I’ve filled out about 10 brackets cause I love hedging my bets and ending up in 2nd place in multiple formats. But I guess if someone held a gun to my head and made me place bets, here’s how I would predict it shakes down.

Round 1 Upsets
I’m not going to list all the higher seeds that win. I simply think these lower seeds will advance past round 1.
Northern Iowa
Georgia Tech
Murray State
Louisville
Siena
St. Mary’s
Yep, pretty exciting, out of 32 games, I think a whopping 6 will be upsets.

Sweet 16 teams
Kansas
Maryland
Georgetown
Ohio State
Gonzaga
Butler
Xavier
Kansas State
Kentucky
Temple
Marquette
West Virginia
Duke
Texas A&M
Baylor
Villanova

Elite 8
Kansas
Georgetown
Gonzaga
Kansas State
Kentucky
West Virginia
Duke
Baylor

Final 4
Kansas
Kansas State
Kentucky
Duke

Final Game
Kansas beats Kentucky

I had to throw a few upsets in there. I know picking all number 1 seeds and a number 2 seed is pretty lame, but honestly, aren’t Kansas and Kentucky the best 2 teams? I know that doesn’t mean they’ll play each other, but hell, the percentages are in their favor. I don’t like Syracuse or Duke that much. I like Ohio State, Georgetown and West Virginia, but they’re stuck in the Kansas/Kentucky brackets. That just sucks. I hate when my sleepers get thrown in with the favorites. I could really see any team coming out of the Syracuse or Duke brackets. It wouldn’t shock me if it was a double digit seed. Oh well. Run to your bookie and bet the farm against these picks.

Graham's Picks

I have not watched a single second of college basketball this season. I occasionally glance at an article in Sports Illustrated while I'm taking a dump, but that's about it.

Although, that research taught me that for all its talent and wins, Kansas has been inconsistent this year. That worries me. So I'm not taking them in the Final 4. Instead, I have Ohio State coming out of that region. Why? Because I really like Mark Titus' blog Club Trillion. If I ever meet him, he will get an official RTS one-armed embrace. Plus, apparently Evan "The Villain" Turner is a badass. So there's that.

What other nuggets can I give you? I have a feeling about Washington. Granted, I say that every year and it never pans out. But I see a run to the Sweet 16.

Who else? Even though someone from Syracuse is hurt, I like them anyway.

How's that for analysis?

On to the picks:

Sweet 16:
Kansas
Maryland (does Juan Dixon still play for them?)
Georgetown
Ohio State

Syracuse
Butler (Because he's my butler)
Pittsburgh
Kansas State

Kentucky
Wisconsin (Go Packers)
Washington
West Virginia

Duke
Texas A&M
Baylor
Villanova

Elite 8:
Kansas
Ohio State

Syracuse
Kansas State

Kentucky
West Virginia

Duke
Baylor

So to recap, my elite eights are four #1s, three #2s and a #3. Not only did I not go out on a limb, I didn't even climb up the tree.

Final 4:
Ohio State
Syracuse

Kentucky
Duke

Final:
Ohio State over Kentucky.

There it is folks, take it to the bank. Good luck.

Trading Places

2010-03-08T10:27:00.000-08:00

Okay, I don't know why I was thinking about this, but here's the premise.

Tomorrow, you are going to wake up and assume the role of the main character of a movie. Whatever happens to this character, it will happen to you. However the movie ends is how it will end for you. Now, you can pick 1 movie to veto. Other than that, everything is in play. What movie do you veto? Conversely, if you could pick the ideal movie to happen to you, what movie would you pick. The only rules are that the movie has to be released at the theater (no b-movies, no obscure direct to DVD movies, no porn), and if a movie has sequels, all of those things would happen to you as well. Obviously, most of the bad movie picks would revolve around horror plots, so I picked 1 movie from each of the following categories: horror, comedy, drama, action and misc. movies. Here's what I came up with.

Movies I would veto

Horror - Hostel
I'm pretty sure the main character lives but goes through a ton of shit to get out alive. I think any horror movie is really fair game.

Drama - American History X
I'm not sure if this is action or drama. I suppose it's drama. Pretty much any movie that involves me getting raped is high on the list of veto. I think this scenario is worse than Shawshank Redemption because the rape was probably more brutal, you have a huge Nazi tattoo on your chest for life, I would have to curb someone at some point and I don't make a lifetime bromance with a old wise dude named Red.

Action - Saving Private Ryan
Tomorrow, I'm jumping out of a death boat and watching tons of my countrymen die. I survive for about 3 more weeks before getting shot just to save Matt Damon.

Comedy - Raising Arizona
I'm a career criminal who kidnaps a baby thanks to my crazy wife's barren needs. I live in a trailer. My best friends just busted out of jail and want to crash with me. Oh yeah, and I get my ass kicked by this huge, scary son of a bitch.

Misc - Seven
I'm going to investigate a bunch of brutal, gruesome muders, have my prego wife's head get chopped off and then I'm going to jail for murder. Good times! I put this as misc. cause I wasn't sure if it was drama, horror or action.

Dream Scenarios

Horror - Uh, none.
What about something like Zombieland? Is that a horror movie? Can I just wake up and hang out with Woody Harrelson and kill zombies?

Drama - The Karate Kid
I get to go back to high school, learn how to kick ass, play putt putt with Elizabeth Shue and have a montage made to "You're the Best." Oh yeah, and isn't he from Jersey, so I could hit up the Jersey Shore whenever I visited family.

Action - Fast and Furious
Anyone that says they don't want to be Paul Walker is lieing.

Comedy - Animal House
That one is too easy. I suppose Anchorman or Old School would be in the mix. Beerfest and Super Troopers were in play, but since there isn't a true main character, I assume I'd randomly be one of the guys and could end up as the man whore or Favra and that wouldn't be cool.

Misc - Back to the Future
I get to go to the past, to the future and to the Old West. The only other movie that could possibly be in the mix would be Star Wars simply for the use of the force and light saber. But I'd have to get my hand chopped off.

Email Thread - The Fabric of Chris & Graham

2010-02-27T07:02:00.000-08:00

As Graham so eloquently noted before, “Being that we spend our days chained to chairs with virtually unfettered internet access, it should come as no surprise that Chris and I exchange a ridiculous amount of e-mails. The e-mails seldom, if ever, get in the way of my actual work, they’re more of an aside between tasks.”

And since Graham and I spend more time mocking each other and the random news/sports stories throughout the week than we do posting blogs, it’s time to let make these emails public. I know, calm down. Why don’t you pour yourself a big class of red wine and get ready to indulge in the awesomeness of the Chris-Graham weekly email thread.

Chris
Suck it Canada. We kicked your ass in hockey. I don't even care about the sport but it's still nice to own you. Isn't hockey your national past-time? You hoser.

Graham
And I'm already tired of the U.S. media proclaiming yesterday's win the Miracle On Ice II. A team made up entirely of NHLers beat another team made up entirely of NHLers. Not like they're plucky high school kids or anything.

Chris
Everyone knows that Miracle on Ice II was The Mighty Ducks 2. Duh. Don't ask how I came across this, but could this possibly be the worst band of all-time?

Graham
Worse than this guy?

Chris
Worst song ever. How does it have 114,000 views and we only got 26 followers on twitter? How did you find that? I also figured you were sending a link of Jack Johnson.

Chris
Since I'm a classic American asshole who doesn't really care about hockey until, you know, the Americans beat Canada in the Olympics and hop on the bandwagon faster than you can call me a stupid pucker, can you explain something to me? Why wasn't America supposed to win a medal in hockey before last night anyway? I know that the NHL has tons of Canadians, Russians and foreigners, but it still has a lot of Americans too. Shouldn't the USA be a top 3 hockey power, or am I just delusional?

Graham
The US is near the top, but the top-3 is really Canada, Russia and Sweden. The US falls into the next group with the Czechs and Finland. They have all NHL guys, but don't have the top-end talent (Crosby, Malkin, Ovechkin, etc.) that the first three have.

Chris
Thanks for clarifying. I at least know Crosby and Ovechkin. The Winter Olympics, making Americans care about hockey once every 4 years.

Graham
By the way, I know you don't like hockey, but I implore you to watch the next big U.S. game. Very few TV timeouts, end to end action, Olympic hockey is the way it's supposed to be played. The last 2 minutes of Canada-U.S. yesterday was as good as it gets.

Chris
I caught the last 5 minutes of last night's game. It was intense. I was hoping USA would win so I could taunt you. I mean, cause I'm patriotic.

I just read the Knicks are going to try to buy Eddie Curry out to try to save some cap space. Think about the end of the bench space they'll save as well.

Graham
Buffet restaurants in NYC will be furious.

Chris
Does it get any dorkier than this? Really?

Oh wait, it just might

Lastly, I've been browsing a government auction website. It's mostly a bunch of junk that's been seized. What are the chances I ran across this? 1000%?

Graham
(After ignoring all my lame emails above, the conversation shifts to our previous post about Latrell Sprewell).
We should write to random NBA players and see who the lamest player is that blows us off. Can you imagine if we get no response from Royal Ivey?

Chris
Great idea. I'm penning my letter to Darko Milicic right now. We should write them as sarcastic as possible only hoping they don't get it.

Dear Darko,

I'm your #1 fan. I know you probably get millions of other people claiming to be your #1, but really I am. I've followed you since your days in Detroit. I watched every game, especially the end of blowouts, waiting to see you dominate. I'm glad to see you are in Minnesota. I think that you, Kevin Love and Al Jefferson are the best front court in the league. Maybe of all-time. I was wanting to see if you could autograph this card and send it back to me. I'm totally going to frame it and keep it forever. Yours in basketball.

Graham
Dear Brian Scalabrine,

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter- I'm your biggest fan! You are the best redheaded player in the league, I like you even more than Delonte West. Even though you don't get much playing time, I really like the enthusiasm you show when your teammates do well. Like you, I never get off the bench for my team either except when the game is decided. I used to pout about it, but then I saw the way you wave your towel like a maniac every time Tony Allen makes a jumper and it changed the way I look at my role. If you can make it to the NBA, then maybe I can too! If you could sign this card I'd really appreciate it. Yours in basketball.

PS-Maybe KG, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce could sign it too?

Chris
I'm sending that letter. I just put a big whopping 50 cent offer on this card. I hope I get it. The Bry-man is totally going to be getting your letter.

Graham
So you've probably heard the guy who played Boner on Growing Pains has gone missing. Kirk Cameron did an interview about it, and had this to say: "Mike and Boner could always work things out when they put their minds to it," Cameron said. "I'm praying for you, pal. Hope to hear from you soon." Well gee, if their TV alter egos from 25 years ago could figure stuff out, surely that means a grown man with a history of mental illness can do the same.

Chris
I wouldn't be shocked if Boner disappeared just to avoid having to talk to Kirk Cameron anymore. Kirk is a loon, which is tragic, cause Mike Seaver was awesome.

Graham
Do you ever wonder if the casts from 80s TV shows still keep in touch? Like is Kirk Cameron friends with the guy who played his blonde-haired younger brother (Ben?)?And when did they all give up on the idea of Leonardo DiCaprio ever hanging out with them again?

Chris
Well, asking if I ever wonder about 80s TV show people keeping in touch is obviously sarcasm. Of course I do! Just yesterday I was thinking about Kevin Arnold and Winnie and figured they were sitting on a porch somewhere reminiscing. It gave me a calm sense of peace in this crazy world.

I'm not sure if you've been keeping up, but Kirk Cameron is a zealot and I assume that the rest of the Growing Pains cast shunned him, or he shunned them. I'm not sure how shunning really works, to be honest. I think you are just baiting me to talk about one of Canada's national heroes, Alan Thicke. I see you pointing us there and I'm not doing it. Alright, fine, damnit, yes, I bet Alan Thicke and Joanna Kerns might still talk on the phone sometimes and wonder why Leo never calls them back. I mean, hell, they did let him into their home, did they not? And no, I didn't have to look up Joanna Kerns name.

Where would you rank '80s families? Would the Seavers make it? I know that everyone would put the Keatons and the Huxtables up there. I don't really remember Family Ties, it was a little before my time, but I'll just throw them in there cause it was a huge hit. I'm putting my top 5 as this.

1. The Bundys (or was this more 90s?)
2. The Huxtables
3. The Arnolds
4. The Seavers (I loved the Growing Pains)
5. The Keatons (I can't rank them properly since I was like 5 years old when this show was popular)

I left out the Charles in Charge fam cause it was just kids that I remember and the Who's the Boss people. If the Bundy's go 90ss, I throw in Who's the Boss. Am I missing something? I'm probably better equipped to do the best 90s families.

Graham
I did know that Kirk Cameron was a nutty zealot. As I think about it, I believe he didn't invite the rest of the cast to his wedding, which caused a big rift for several years. Not sure where it stands now.

Anyway, top 80s sitcom families...interesting. Married With Children debuted in 1987, and its best years were early on, so it counts as an 80s show. You've made a pretty good list, although you could make a good case for the Tanners from Full House. I think my list looks like this:

1: The Bundys. No-brainer.
2: The Arnolds. If the day ever comes when broke 1970s bands stop trying to hold the producers hostage for rights fees for their songs, and this show makes it to DVD, I am going to Best Buy and lining up the morning it comes out. I loved, loved, loved this show. And not just because my younger brother always compared me to Wayne.
3: The Huxtables
4: The Keatons. I have a better recollection of this show than you, but not by much. I do remember always enjoying it though.
5: The Seavers

Honorable mention: The Tanners. I could take or leave Who's The Boss.

Chris
I'm glad to see we agreed on the same 5 shows. I liked the Arnolds better than the Huxtables. I think I just made The Huxtables #2 cause they were so popular, and I'm not a racist like you.

Since we're here, let's go ahead and bang out the 90s TV families as well. I'm leaving the Bundys off since they were the top one of the 80s.

1. The Simpsons
2. The Conners (Roseanne)
3. The Costanzas (docked points since they weren't the central people of the show)
4. The Banks (Fresh Prince)
5.

Wow, the 90s were pretty lame. Do The Hacketts count from Wings even it was just 2 people? Or the 3 guys from Frasier? I suppose the family from 3rd Rock from the Sun is in there. I didn't watch that show enough. Always liked it but never watched it religiously. Otherwise, maybe you could throw in the collective families of the South Park kids, but that's kinda lame. Ugh. Maybe you can think of some people I'm missing.

Graham
What about the Gellers on Friends? Not a huge fan of that show, but anytime Elliott Gould showed up as Ross and Monica's dad it increased the show watchability by 50%.

Chris
I was bored the other day and flipped it on a rerun of Friends. God, it was unbearable. I assumed the show was funny cause I remember seeing a handful of episodes back in the 90s but man, ugh. Maybe I caught a really bad one or one of the last seasons or something. I'd rather just put the Hacketts on there with an asterisk saying that 90s TV sucked. It really did. I looked throw a list of shows and ugh.

Graham
It's not a family sitcom per se, but Newsradio is the most underrated show of the 90s. And I say that knowing that it was Joe Rogan's big break.

Chris
I've seen some and liked it. I guess I really didn't watch much TV from 1996-2002 or so. I'm not sure what I was doing.

Did you read the comments on RTS on your last 2 blogs. You got a big fan in Gary. He said, "I am not from Canada, yet I find Rick Reilly about as tolerable as jock itch (and far less welcome). This post is gold." He also said that we had the "greatest blog ever." Are you commenting again under an alias?

Graham
I don't know who Gary is, but I appreciate his approval of the two blogs I banged out in 10 minutes. If people want lame NBA memorabilia, then I need to post about 4-foot by 6-foot mock contract from the Bryant Reeves press conference announcing his $65 million extension in 1997.

Also, did you see these pictures from the Canadian women’s hockey team? Way to do us proud, ladies:

Chris
Best....Picture....Ever....I take back anything negative I said about Canada, even Bryan Adams. Those are the classiest ladies I've ever seen. I hope they don't read this and sense my sarcasm. They would kick my ass.

Graham
I know I told you a while ago that I'd sworn off Deadspin. But do you read every Friday's compilation of hookups gone wrong that readers send in? They're laugh-out-loud hilarious, and I don't even care that most are probably completely made up.

So they found Boner's body and of course the media wants a response from Kirk Cameron.

Here's the thing though - do you think Kirk Cameron is really that devastated? Maybe, maybe not. But what an awkward position he's in. Sure, they were best friends on TV, but in real life, they were probably just co-workers, two guys who showed up to work every day, did their jobs and went home. For all we know they haven't talked in 15 years. I mean, if someone I'd worked with at my job out of college died, sure, I'd feel bad for them and their family, but it would be tough for me to muster a heartfelt tribute to someone I haven't talked to or thought about in a decade.

Chris
And that's why you are an asshole and he's Mike f-ing Seaver.

Lost Letters from Latrell Sprewell

2010-02-23T02:43:00.000-08:00

About 3 weeks ago I went to lunch at my parents' house. My mom was cleaning out a closet and asked me to go through some boxes of stuff that were mine, take what I wanted and throw out the rest.

One of the boxes contained all sorts of scrapbook stuff that only a parent would save (high school newspaper articles, report cards, etc.) Along the way, I started saving tons of sports clippings as well. Why I saved ticket stubs to Memphis State-McNeese State basketball games, I'll never know. There was one item that just made me laugh. It's the letter found below. You can click on the image if you need a larger, more readable version.

The letter leads to so many different questions.

Was I a big Latrell Sprewell fan at some point?
No, not even remotely.

Why would I ever write him?
I was a huge sports card dork (recovering) and basically sent out cards to about 500 players over the course of several years trying to get them to autograph them and send them back. (Yes, I still have an autographed Rodney Rodgers rookie card and no, I didn't have a girlfriend for quite some time).

Why would I keep this?
I have no clue, it's beyond me.

Is there a funnier player to have a letter from knowing what we know now?
This has to rank up there. A Sprewell letter on Warriors letterhead ranks right next to owning a Rae Carruth promise ring or a O.J. Simpson autographed bloody gloove. I could probably sell this letter on ebay if it had some of P.J. Carlesimo's neck hair on it. Priceless.

Lastly, what's even better, is some of Sprewell's words. He claims he couldn't sign my card because he receives far too many requests like this. Really, Latrell was getting hundreds of requests a day? Hardly. Also, it says he sent me some Warriors items. I have no clue what they were. I kept the letter, but not the Warriors memorabilia. Baffling. Last, I love the closing, "yours in basketball." Right back at you Spree.

Another crappy espn.com columnist

2010-02-20T15:58:00.000-08:00

Did you know ESPN has a columnist named Gene Wojciechowski? (Sorry for the italics, I copied and pasted because I’m too lazy to spell it out myself. And since I’m also too lazy to learn, I shall heretofore refer to him as Gene Wgnejknf34785te).

Anyway, between Bill Simmons being ESPN’s biggest star on the site, and Rick Reilly being its biggest douche, Gene Wklsdnfsd903454 tends to be overlooked. And there’s a reason for that: he sucks.

Not in a lame Rick Reilly way with jokes that are 20 years too late (although I’m sure Jay Leno finds Reilly hilarious). He’s just, well, boring. There’s no real reason to read his columns.

Anyway, because I can’t get enough Tiger Woods coverage, and I just need to read everything out there about him, I meandered over to Gene Wkfnioedfn43895’s column, and go figure, it sucked. And since he sucks, I think I’ll take a swing at him. Plus, he was a dick to me on the phone once when I worked in the NBA, and I’ve never forgotten that. So here we go:

To the people ripping Woods for his Friday mea culpa, let me get this straight: Woods stepped into the planet's largest confessional booth, stared into a television camera, humbled himself to the size of a ball marker, admitted his marital infidelity, apologized repeatedly, begged for a second chance, did all of this as his mother sat a flagstick away and that's still not enough?

Well, there’s still the matter of what happened the night he crashed his car, given that he either fell asleep at the wheel or was in a prescription-drug induced haze. So let’s say he’d made it out of his driveway and out onto the road- he would have become a hazard to innocent people. Isn’t that a bit of a concern? So there’s that. Plus, when the police tried to investigate, he kept ducking them, which is a little suspicious. So yeah, I’d say there’s still some explaining to do.

Sure, it was staged. What, you expected a pay-per-view event where Woods would do a PowerPoint presentation on how many women not-named-Elin he slept with?

And if you turn your attention to pie chart graphic 11-A, you'll see a breakdown of cities and countries where I cheated on my wife.

Actually, I would have enjoyed that very much.

Seriously, how many pounds of flesh do people require from Woods before it's enough? Who cares if his speech was uneven, or if he didn't stain the lectern with tears -- as if that's how you judge the sincerity and quality of those 13 minutes and 32 seconds.

If not sincerity, then what else do we judge the speech by, just the fact he went out there and did it? Sorry, not good enough. Here’s the thing, Gene Wfisfnds8934589f: I have a two year-old son. He likes to intentionally dump out his milk. It’s a huge pain in the ass. When we make him apologize, he usually does so just because we’re making him do it. There’s no sincerity. So the apology means nothing. That’s what makes or breaks an apology Gene Wklsdfnmrt8934r, sincerity.

Don't know about you, but Woods telling the world, "My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before," seems to fit the moral inventory checklist. And him saying, "I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated," is as blunt an admission of a wrong as you'll ever hear.

But there was no sincerity! So who gives a shit?

Friday's 13-plus minutes weren't his comfort zone. Even in an ultra-controlled environment, Woods looked as if his stomach was tied in square knots. Faked? Forced? Mechanical? No way.

Gene Wdfnsdf8934r34, a few paragraphs ago: “Who cares if his speech was uneven, or if he didn't stain the lectern with tears.”
Gene Wweiornwer893, now: “Faked? Forced? Mechanical? No way.”

So, uh, which is it? I’m confused.

If you've ever talked to Woods when he's in his comfort zone -- at a tournament, after a news conference when he stops for a few extra questions, just off the 18th green after he's finished his round or in the locker room -- you'd know he prides himself on revealing bits and pieces of himself in teaspoon-size servings. What I saw Friday was bigger than a teaspoon.

Hey, Gene, buddy, take a guess at how many of the millions of espn.com readers have ever had the opportunity to talk to Tiger just as he’s finished the 18th hole or as he’s walking away from a news conference. Personally, I’m going to say about 0.0000000000000001%. Way to relate to your audience.

And nothing against the people who were critical of the speech…

Isn’t the point of the column to be critical of people who didn’t like the speech?

…but Woods didn't write it for them. He wrote it for himself, for his wife, for his family, for his friends, for children and teenagers who considered him a role model. I wasn't expecting Winston Churchill/Martin Luther King Jr.-quality stuff. I was hoping for something genuine, however awkwardly delivered, and I got it.

Are you sure? Once again, Gene, you wrote the following just a few paragraphs earlier: “Who cares if his speech was uneven, or if he didn't stain the lectern with tears.”

Questions remain unanswered. That's because questions weren't allowed to be asked.

And as a supposed journalist, that doesn’t bother you? It certainly bothered the Golf Writers of America, who boycotted the event on principle. Isn’t asking tough questions the very purpose of being in the media?

Gene Wfwefn348534895sdd: Where neither sincerity or accountability really matters.

So what if it was an imperfect performance?

Jesus, Gene can’t get his own story straight. Even he can’t decide if it was genuine or not.

Anyway, if you needed an apology from Woods, you got it. If you wanted to see tears in his eyes, you saw them.

Wait, what? Once again: “Who cares if his speech was uneven, or if he didn't stain the lectern with tears.”

Woods has been knocked down since November. The damage was self-inflicted and deserved. Friday, in a bizarre, surreal setting, he stood up again.

Wobbly, but up.

Wobbly would be a generous description of this column.

Why I hate Rick Reilly, Vol. 1753324974732

2010-02-12T10:09:00.000-08:00

Rick Reilly is baiting me. I know this. I know he wrote this hoping Canadians got irritated. I know I should ignore it like I do the rest of his stuff. But I have the day off and some time to kill, so instead, I'm going to respond. Rick Reilly's words are in italics.

It's always so cute when Canada hosts an Olympics. Canadians try so hard. This comes from living next to America and having an inferiority complex worse than Tito Jackson's.

I'm not bothered by the faux condescension as much as another of his patented 20-years-too-late jokes.

For instance, it's rained every day I've been in Vancouver, athletes are starting to withdrawal because of pruny fingers, and Canadians feel terrible. They're always saying "Gee, sore-ee about the rain, eh?" Do you realize they've been helicoptering snow up to the mountain venues? Who does that?

Who does that? Olympic organizers who thought ahead, came up with a contingency plan in the event that weather, something they have no control over, doesn't cooperate. When that contingency plan was needed, they did what they'd been planning on doing and have been making the best of it. That's who does that.

These people are nice. Preposterously nice. Aunt Bee in mukluks nice. This is a country that has human-chomping grizzlies on every corner and yet chose the furry beaver for its national animal.

Hmmm...jokes about bears and beavers. The refuge of the lame.

Do not talk about hockey. A Canadian team has not won the Stanley Cup in 17 years. This is possibly because there are no more Canadian hockey teams left. OK, that's not true. Still, if Canada doesn't win the gold in men's hockey this time -- something it's only done once since 1952 -- fans here might all throw themselves under stampeding moose.

And moose. Can't forget a moose joke. Reilly's firing on all cylinders today!

Speak Canadian. ATMs are ABMs. Street hockey is "shinny." Butt is "arse." Beer is "brew." Stuff is "whatnot." Newfoundlanders are "Newfies." Never say the "g" in "ing." And yay is not a cheer, it's a measurement, as in: "I'm lookin' for my malamute, about yay big and yay long?"

The only correct statement in there is the Newfie reference. Otherwise, no Canadian that lives in a town of more than 100 people talks that way. In fact, if I heard anyone talk that way, I'd punch them in the face. And what the hell is a malamute? I'm serious, I've never even heard of that before.

And it apparently NEVER STOPS RAINING.

From animal jokes to rain jokes. He's really humming now.

Compliment their national anthem. It's way better than ours.

Finally, something we can agree on.

Go to Tim's (short for "Tim Hortons") and have a double-double (two creams, two sugars) and some Timbits (donut holes) and stand around and talk about curling. This will be a welcome topic. The Canadians are still great at curling.
You: The boys oughta do priddy good, eh?
Him: Oh, sure. The sweeps are beauties.
You: You thinkin' they might be winnin' and whatnot, eh?
Him: Boy, would that ever be neat!

I'm just going to say it: Tim Horton's is no better than any other donut chain. I don't even care what my fellow Canadians think about that.

When referring to Elvis, be sure its Stojko not Presley. If you're talking about acting, don't forget the god of all Canadian thespians -- Lorne Greene from "Bonanza." If your birthday is August 9, always look at the ground, shake your head and add, "The day Wayne was traded."

He was 1 for 3, which for Reilly, is outstanding. No one cares about Elvis Stojko or Lorne Greene, but the Wayne Gretzky trade was a dark day. Speaking of which, if you can get through a dreadful first chapter, Stephen Brunt's "Gretzky's Tears" is a great read.

If you're a snowboarder and you snap your neck in three places doing your Double Fakie Ollie Grab and they're putting you in the ambulance, smile and go, "It's fine! Canada's got free health care!"

And 6 hour waits at emergency rooms! And year-long waits for non-critical surgeries! And health care cost overruns that are crippling the country's economic system! And acknowledgment that the system isn't working, but a refusal to make difficult decisions that could improve it! But that's a debate that's way above Reilly's intellect, so he instead opts for cheap jokes and cashes another ESPN cheque!

God I hate Rick Reilly.

Chris' Favorite Stumbles Part 2 (links)

2010-01-31T08:39:00.000-08:00

Since my last post of favorite stumbles was such a hit, I’m back to bring you volume 2. (That’s code for I’m too lazy to actually write something, so I’m just going to make snarky comments about Internet oddities.)

If you are a beer connoisseur that’s also a fan of flow chart humor, well then, here you go.

At some point I’m going to get around to my favorite Pearl Jam songs, which will lead to Graham’s retort. But, for now, I’ll leave you with a top 5 song of theirs.

When a blog posts about another blog post, what is that? Is it meta-blogging, or just plain lame? Meta-blogging sounds legit. Let’s go with that. By the way, here’s someone else’s post about funny WiFi network names. It’s hard to not link to a “Your Dog’s Shit Is In My Yard” network name image.

Funny or die has a lot of hit or miss videos. Somehow, this one manages to neither hit nor miss. What does that make it?

The Button - watch more funny videos

The saddest imdb.com resume’s ever.

Here’s a song from the leader singer of Interpol. You are welcome.

The most brilliant modern description of the Jesus/Satan struggle to date.

Anytime you mock the news, you get the prestigious RTS shoutout.

If you are a fan of candid celebrity photos from the ‘50s, ‘60s and ‘70s, well then, here’s a link for you. (Warning: You can’t unsee the Yoko/Warhol/Lennon photo.)

I can’t get enough of the Asian TV animated reenactments of current pop culture happenings. Here’s the Conan-Leno tiff in an Asian nutshell.

Graham sent me this one earlier this week. The Price is Right goes wrong for this guy.

I don’t have the heart to embed this one, but if you like Spanish Children’s Hip Hop, well then, here’s the video for you. And really, once you reference Spanish Children’s Hip Hop, it’s time to call it quits.

Chris

Trouble in Paradise

2010-01-29T14:16:00.001-08:00

Being that we spend our days chained to chairs with virtually unfettered internet access, it should come as no surprise that Chris and I exchange a ridiculous amount of e-mails.*

The e-mails seldom, if ever, get in the way of my actual work, they’re more of an aside between tasks. Sometimes though, work does get in the way. For instance, on Tuesday I had to be at work at 4:30 a.m. as a local morning television show was broadcasting live from here. As a result the rest of the day was a haze, including an early departure whereupon I crashed on my couch for an hour until my wife came home with a wired two-year-old who was patently uninterested in my being too tired to play with him.

Following that day’s fun, on Wednesday I spent the better part of the day locked in a studio doing a bunch of interviews with the players and coaches of the unidentified sports team I work for. In between interviews I had to return work-related e-mails and phone calls, so once again my correspondence with Chris was put on the back burner.

On Thursday, things got back to normal so I resumed e-mailing Chris. It led to this response:

“Congrats on being dead over the last 2 days. I didn't get nary an email. I actually had concern. I think we might need to have a set rule that if you aren't going to reply to emails in a work week, you need to let me know. I was worried sick about you.”

Then on Friday, I e-mailed again, and Chris, who was leaving early because of the snowstorm in Memphis, replied tersely with this:

“You abandon me this week. You are on your own today my friend.”

Wow, things just got real in here.

Now, Chris will complain I copied and pasted only portions of his e-mails and he’s being misrepresented. And that may well be the case. But it’s still unsettling. I didn’t realize I was supposed to check in with him about my comings and goings. Are we in one of those weird bromances I’ve heard about? If so, I had no idea my bromance partner was so damn needy.

At any rate, apparently I need to do some damage control here at RTS HQ.

Graham

*Yes, loyal RTS readers, despite sporadic blogging (although apparently enough to garner us a sponsor), Chris and I produce paragraphs upon paragraphs of hysterical e-mails that only we see. I realize that me telling you this is akin to Hershey’s telling its customers they make a super-tasty batch of chocolate that only employees are allowed to eat, but such is life.

Favorite Songs in 2008

2010-01-24T08:46:00.001-08:00

Since my favorite songs in 2009 was such a popular post (I got 2 responses on Twitter!), I’m going back to the well. Plus, what better time to discuss my favorite songs in 2008 than 2 years later? Don’t say we aren’t timely here at RTS.

Anyway, just like my favorite songs in 2009, the rules are the same. These aren’t my favorite songs that were released in 2008, rather, my favorite songs that I added to my iTunes that year. (And don’t worry, I’ll be doing my favorite songs in ’04 sometime in 2015.) The playlist is at the bottom if you just want to go ahead and hit play.

Don’t Stop Believing – Journey
Has a band ever reached their apex 20 years after they started putting out good music? I don’t know anyone over 40 that likes Journey, yet all the youngish people (20-40) love to sing to them while out tossing back a few cervezas. (I love the fact that Word wanted me to correct cervezas to cervixes. I don’t know how to toss back a few cervixes, but it sounds like something a married man is not allowed to do). Anyway, Journey’s fine with me. My favorite cheesy pop-rock band of the late ‘70s/80s was Foreigner, but I’m down with this song. I don’t know how this song just got added to my iTunes in 2008. I’m pretty sure I had it during my Napster days and then lost it when my hard drive crashed in 2003 (aka, the worst time of my life). Anyway, congrats to my friends that pounded Journey into my head for the past 10 years, I’ve finally joined in.

Radio Nowhere – Bruce Springsteen
Gotta give props to local sports radio host Chris Vernon for using this song as an intro to his show. Bruce has always been one of those rock icons that I mean to spend more time listening to but never get around to it. It’s my rock Achilles heel, sorta like an all-you-can-eat buffets is to Shaq’s offseason conditioning. Anyway, I sweared to God this was a Pearl Jam song when I first heard it, which is a compliment to both Bruce and Pearl Jam.

This Time Tomorrow – The Kinks
I should thank Wes Anderson for my Kinks love. The Rushmore soundtrack made me get into the Kinks in high school and I deemed them the most underrated band of all-time. Then, after my Kinks phase dwindled over time, Anderson throws a few more Kinks songs in The Darjeeling Limited. This inclusion of this song in the movie was the only redeemable part of watching it. Nice save Wes.

Campus – Vampire Weekend
It’s hard to include a Vampire Weekend song after hearing their latest album, Contra. Vampire Weekend is fun, catchy, has a little bounce to it. I’m just pretending their 2nd album didn’t happen, sorta like the year I had Braylon Edwards on my fantasy team.

Leader – Phantom Planet
The best description I can give of Phantom Planet is Weezer-light. They don’t have any of the nerdy emo components but still retain a lot of the power pop fun. Anyway, this album was the definition of a good album. No great songs but no bad ones either.

The Angel and the One – Weezer
When The Red Album came out, I hated it. The only song I liked was “Pork and Beans.” I’ve gone back and given the album a few more listens and I don’t hate it as much. This song has grown on me. Maybe I’m just too Weezer delusion to hate them. Sometimes we get jaded by what we used to like and want to validate it. I think that happens with Weezer. I loved them so much in high school that I refuse to dislike them now, regardless of what they do. That makes no sense, whatever, I’m leaving it.

Hello It’s Me – Todd Rundgren
For whatever reason, I didn’t watch "That ‘70s Show" when it was popular. Last summer I needed something to watch so I DVR-ed (verb, to record a TV show) the entire series on FX and plowed through about 3 episodes a day for a couple of months. This song was in the pilot and it reminds me of the Eric-Donna relationship. It gives me a sense of nostalgia for a couple that didn’t actually exist in a decade in which I wasn’t born. Got it?

Postcards from Italy – Beirut
I’ve heard two Beirut songs and like them both. Yet, I’ve never bought their album or done any further investigation. I’m lazy.

You’re the Best Around – Joe Esposito
Everyone needs a little kick-ass montage rock from time to time. This is the pinnacle. I’m going to listen to this on the way to my rec basketball game tonight. Watch out opponents!

I Love LA – Randy Newman
This song was being played during the Lakers-Celtics finals. I hate the Lakers, still do, but for a brief moment in 2008, I had to support them thanks to Kevin Garnett’s douchebag chin and snarl staring at me through the TV during the NBA Playoffs. So I jumped on the Lakers bandwagon because I’d rather support an accused rapist than a Boston sports team. So what happens, the Lakers screw me by losing to the Celtics and then winning the title the next year when I’m back to rooting against them. I hate LA.

Modern Guilt – Beck
Beck seems like the type of guy that would make fun of you to your face only he’d be too smart for you to realize it until after you left the room. I like people like that.

Kids – MGMT
I’ve worn both this song and “Time to Pretend” out. They’ve probably been played on my iPod about 3,722 times over the past 1.5 years. Sometimes trendy is legit.

Bargain of the Century – Albert Hammond Jr.
I don’t know anyone else that listens to this guy. Everyone likes The Strokes, right, yet this guy can’t make it on his own? I don’t get that.

Heimdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse – Of Montreal
Neo-David Bowie. That’s my best take on this band. Constantly crazy, good pop music. Awesome band to see live. I have no clue what they’re talking about half the time but I’m an idiot so that doesn’t say much.

Your English is Good – Tokyo Police Club
My musical listening generally goes like this. I’m either in a phase where I’m listing to music from 10+ years ago, I’m testing the water on new bands or I’m listening to songs of the past 12 months. These guys were a band I tested out and they got upgraded. I’m not sure how long this song will remain in the rotation but they’ve made it 2 years, which counts for something.

It Never Rains in Southern California – Albert Hammond Sr.
I was in a easy listening phase thanks to “That ‘70s Show” and listened to this song and Jim Croce more than any 27 year old ever should.

Song For – Earlimart and Our Life is not a Movie or Maybe - Okkervil River
Thanks to the “All Songs Considered” podcast put out by NPR for giving me these bands. Earlimart reminds me of a Travis-Elliott Smith hybrid. Okkevil River is on my music to-do list. If I could just not have a job for about 12 months to catch up on all the music, books and movies on my to-do list, I’d be good to go. I need someone to sponsor that plan.

Bag It Up – Oasis
Oasis sure did a quick drop to obscurity. I decided to plow through like 5 of their albums one month. I can’t recall the albums that I liked or disliked. I just remember liking this song.

Them Kids – Sam Roberts Band
I gotta throw those Canadians a bone since my blogmate is from the Great White North.

Our First Sponsor

2010-01-23T10:24:00.000-08:00

Graham and I would like to say big-ups to our first corporate sponsor, PartyBets.com. As you can see, we've got the link for your on the right side of the page. We're not adverse to selling out the blog. As a matter of fact, Graham and I welcome any and all sponsors willing to take us to the next level.

Look for a blog post soon about how Graham and I spend our lucrative sponsorship deals.